A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid, I have a multifaceted question about relationships and midlife crisis and men and women maturing at different rates.I have been married for 8 years together for 18.We are reaching a point in our relationship where I want to take our lives to the next level. Advance our careers with more education, have a baby if we still can. (i'm 40) Make more income as a couple in order to save more for retirement. Serious adult stuff. Is this what happens often with divorce in midlife? Where one spouse matures and the other one stays the same. Happy go lucky, few responsibilities, low motivation. One 1/2 of the couple wants to go forward in life and the other one states that they feel like a teenager. He is starting to mention and talk about 20 YO women who just got hired where he works.Doesn't outright say he likes them but talks and thinks their naïvety is funny/cute. I just don't know where to go with this. I am gonna make an appointment with the gyno for to start on fertility medication. We have talked on and off about the possibility of having a baby but he has severe anxiety about everything in life. I think it will be fine once the baby get here it is just the planning and talking about it that makes him anxious. I just don't know where to go with all of this. Help cupid. thanks!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 March 2016):
 I always struggle with submittals which include the likes of "next level" ... and "move forward"... as if life is a wagon train, moving west from St Louis, and Ward Bond is supposed to be there to make sure everything is "copascetic."
OP: You and hubby need to spend LOTS of time talking about "where you are"... and what you expect your lives to BE in the future.... I suspect that if you do so (speak to one-another... honestly) you'll learn a lot more than you will from a ZILLION responses here on Dear Cupid....
Good luck...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2016): Don't kid yourself. Don't count that everything will be fine once the kid is there. It's more likely that it won't be fine. It'll get worse. If you want the kid regardless of the fact that you may loose your marriage that's fine. Adopt the way of thinking of a single mother and if that's okay with you go for it.Do not presume that your husband will be okay once the baby arrives. It will just add more stress and from what you said he isn't the guy who likes dealing with stress.Wake up from whatever dream you have been living. You are in you 40's and now you decide to get serious. What have you both been waiting for? It sounds that he is fine with what you have and that you just went along with it wanting more. Now when your clock is ticking you suddenly feel the need to hurry up and hurry him up.Look at your life honestly so far. It's been that way because it suited you both. He has issues. Baby's going to add a thing or two to that pile. Your husband most likely likes that you are focused on him and his issues, the baby is definitely going to redirect your attention. And he won't like it.He's talking about young colleagues and you want the diaper-talk, don't you see how NOT CUTE that is?He is not the problem per se. He is the problem for YOU. He is what he is (and I am not defending it, I wouldn't be a minute with a man like this let alone stay for 18 years). You obviously have been suppressing your needs and now quickly want to change him.From the perspective of an unborn child, honestly this does not sound like a great situation. Work on yourself and work out what you really want regardless of your husband. If you still want to and can provide for the kid, go for it. Y
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (10 March 2016):
 Hi,
it seems a bit "weird" and "odd" that at such a mature age and i am presuming here, that your husband is in his 40s too, based on all you've mentioned.
He may be going through some sort of mid life crisis, or maybe he can't be bothered anymore, he's simply caught in a rut.
You need to sit down and talk about all your concerns and plans for the future, even if he doesn't think it's important.
If it's important to you, then it ought be important to him. aFter all he's your husband, not your bf, so tell him.
So far as you being able to conceive at 40, absolutely you can and most probably will, so long as you're still fertile, are very healthy and obtain as much advice from your GP , Obstetrician and gynecologist asap.
You are lucky actually, bec at 40, you still have many options available to you for being able to reproduce naturally, or via assistance and all methods involve using YOUR EGGS, not somebody elses eggs.
Once you reach 46, things get more difficult, but still possible, especially if using donor eggs, which btw, most women over 45 opt for.
If you are serious about having a baby, my strong advice would be do it as soon as possible, not next year or the year after, because with each wasted year, your chances of natural conception diminish and in some women, greatly.
Having said what i've said, even many young women cannot conceive naturally, bec of different health/life circumstances, yet a woman who is older and still fertile, fit and healthy could be as fertile and as capable of conception, as a younger woman.
In the West, the primary concept is mostly always about age, but it's about also about health and lifetsyle too.
Back to your husband, you are both mature adults, you're married and you have plans to discuss.
Discuss everything with him and lay it all on the table, however, don't pressure or bombard him with too much, too soon and when you do, pick a quiet and stress free time of day for you and he, so that he is able to give you 100% attention.
I wish you all the best and please let me know how you get on. :-)
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (10 March 2016):
Hi,
it seems a bit "weird" and "odd" that at such a mature age and i am presuming here, that your husband is in his 40s too, based on all you've mentioned.
He may be going through some sort of mid life crisis, or maybe he can't be bothered anymore, he's simply caught in a rut.
You need to sit down and talk about all your concerns and plans for the future, even if he doesn't think it's important.
If it's important to you, then it ought be important to him. aFter all he's your husband, not your bf, so tell him.
So far as you being able to conceive at 40, absolutely you can and most probably will, so long as you're still fertile, are very healthy and obtain as much advice from your GP , Obstetrician and gynecologist asap.
You are lucky actually, bec at 40, you still have many options available to you for being able to reproduce naturally, or via assistance and all methods involve using YOUR EGGS, not somebody elses eggs.
Once you reach 46, things get more difficult, but still possible, especially if using donor eggs, which btw, most women over 45 opt for.
If you are serious about having a baby, my strong advice would be do it as soon as possible, not next year or the year after, because with each wasted year, your chances of natural conception diminish and in some women, greatly.
Having said what i've said, even many young women cannot conceive naturally bec of different health/life circumstances, yet a woman who is older ans still fertile, fit and healthy could be as fertile and as capable of conception, as a younger woman.
Back to your husband, you are both mature adults, you're married and you have plans to discuss.
Discuss everything with him and lay it all on the table, however, don't pressure or bombard him with too much, too soon and when you do, pick a quiet and stressm free time of day for you and he, so that he is able to give you 100% attention.
I wish you all the best and please let me know how you get on. :-)
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 March 2016):
 I think he is scared of the unknown. He seems to have fallen in to a comfortable routine with life and does not want change. Before you bring a baby in to this marriage, you do need to make sure it is what you both want, as yes things like this can cause divorce.
As for him talking about young women, am sure you know that he loves you and wants to be with you. Remember it is okay to look and not touch. As long as you trust each other I think you will survive this. It may be an option for him to get some help with his anxiety issues.
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