A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey agony aunts. ok so ill get straight to the point. i broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago, i was with him for 9 months, he was my first serious boyfriend. he wasnt right for me, i knew it and so did everyone else, he constantly questioned me and suffocated me and i ended up breaking up with him. i was upset that it hadnt worked out but my feelings for him went away very quickly as i knew i could do better. Anyway, within the next month i met a guy who i clicked with straight away. it started when he added me on facebook and immediately i thought he was a nice guy, he gave me his number and i saw him out the following night. we ended up spending all night in his car just talking about anything and everything, until 8 in the morning! he drove me to college and went to work, and we began texting everyday. Things happened pretty quickly, we fell for each other so fast. He has broken up with his girlfriend of a year and a half at the same time id broken up with my ex, and for similar reasons. Because of this we both understood each other, and I couldnt believe how much i began to like him, i rarely wear my heart on my sleeve. Anyway as time went on i met his family and fell in love with them all, we went to chessington together and we'd have dinner together, id help his sister with her homework, we'd go out, like we'd been together for years, something just felt right. All the while he would pick me up and take me out, want to spend nearly everyday with me, and i was loving it. we officially got together after just a few weeks because we'd been seeing each other so much we got to know each other well and fast. I know it was quick, but we were like a couple that had been together for years. Anyway, everything was going perfect. He kept saying how in love he was with me, and how he never thought hed feel this way about anyone after his ex hurt him like she did. He said i made him so happy and all these amazing things it felt so good to hear. I have been the happiest iv been in a long while, no one has ever treated me the way he has, and i have fallen in love with him even after just a few months. But just yesterday, he text me saying theres been alot of things going on that i dont know about, stuff he thought he could handle but he cant. he said he couldnt cope with a relationship until he sorted this stuff out, and he didnt want to drag me through it. he also said that although he has no feelings for his ex, he isnt over the hurt she caused and he thinks we rushed the relationship, and he isnt ready for it. I am so hurt. i have always been the one to end things because of my own problems, so i am not used to feeling so helpless. he was my rock. i have problems too, but for me, having him there helped me through them. i dont understand why hes done this. he was the one who told me he loved me, who wanted to spend all his time with me, who invited me round and told me all these romantic things. he says that he still loves me, and that his feelings for me are true, and that everything hes ever said has been true. but in the last few days he thinks that he needs some time to sort his head out.now i get that sometimes people need to just take a step back and sort themselves out. and that sometimes its easier to end things so that you dont end up hurting someone more in the long run. i get it. but what i dont get is that he says hes rushed this? hes made me feel like an idiot, i fell for him because he assured me i was NOT a rebound and because of the way he said he was falling for me, it allowed me to allow MYSELF to take a risk and let myself fall in love after the hurt from my ex. but all for nothing? now hes saying this? when i got the initial text saying we needed to talk about it all, i thought it was a joke. it came from nowhere, just 2 nights ago we were sitting in the car for over 2 hours saying how happy we were and talking about the future and all sorts. now this? i think the shock is a big part of it, but its also the fact that i want to be with him and now i cant and theres nothing i can do to change that. its heartbreaking.he wants time, and im going to give him that. not smother him, let him sort himself out. he said that he hopes we can stay friends and "who knows in the future" once hes sorted himself out.What do you make of this? im so hurt and confused. i didnt know this was coming and i wish i could have been his rock like he has been mine. My friends who know us both say hell come back because hes so in love with me. his brother said hes jusst confused. dont get me wrong, i have left him to it. he text me this morning saying good luck as i had exams at college, but other than that, nothing. i am not turning psycho and clingy, i just need some advice on how to deal with this and what it could possibly mean? i know something awful has happened in his family, and some people do just need time. but how, in just a couple of days, can you go from being totally in love and happy with someone and talking about the future, to feeling like its all going too fast? HE initiated it so much more than me. he made me fall for him, and now im left alone and hurt. please tell me what you think.thankyou
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): I know how you feel. This is what I'm currently going through.
But you knowww you deserve better. So don't get back with him.
That's like telling him what he did was ok.
People can only do to you what you let them.
A
male
reader, CJH +, writes (5 January 2011):
 You could look at life that way and play it safe, build some walls around yourself but it wouldn't be much fun would it?
Things, even seemingly matches made in heaven, can and do go wrong. The only positive in that is that you learn more about yourself and others.
If you're looking for a sure thing in life, there is only one. That's that one day, it will all come to an end and you will be a long time dead. Your choice, either give up on deep and meaningful relationships OR carry on trying until you do find the one that sticks.
Sorry to be blunt but.....that's the truth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthought you should be updated, he is back with his ex girlfriend. what a shock. i even said to a friend that i bet he'll be back with her within the month.
the night before last, i was out on the town and i saw him out (unfortunately we are friends with the same people so we occasionally see each other around on nights out). his ex wasnt out. anyway, he came up to me and asked how i was doing etc, bought me a drink, asked me to dance, and i mean dance closely not just a casual "lets be friends" dance!! and nearly every guy i spoke to or danced with he told them to leave me alone, saying things like "excuse me mate, she dont wana talk to you, shes taken yeah" .. what?!?! he said that hes sorry for being like that but he still has feelings and will always care. thats not on! whilst id like to think he genuinely does care about me, considering how intense we were together, half of me thinks he is just trying to keep me sweet incase things go wrong with the ex! i couldnt believe he was acting like that with me when he was getting back with his ex. how was i supposed to react?!
anyway, last night again i saw him out, i dont talk to him when i see him but i dont ignore him if he says hello, which he did, but his ex happened to be out last night too. so did he pay me any attention? he has a dance with me, but then wanders off and i turn around and hes snogging his ex's face off in front of me all night?
sorry im rambling. basically, my problem has changed. as much as it hurts, i no longer want to be with someone who has used me as a rebound! he can have his ex, and she can have him. it wont work because of the way she is, and he knows that. hes just going back to what he knows, so its his mistake. and if he thinks he can come running back when it falls apart, he has a nasty shock waiting!
to be honest, regardless of how strongly i felt for him and do still care about him, i dont care what he does anymore.
but what scares me is what all of this has taught me; anything can be taken away no matter how perfect it may seem. now im terrified of even doing anything! im so nervous it will be snatched away from me, like this was. i really didnt deserve it, im not perfect but i gave him all i had, for once i took that chance. so now i realise that it doesnt matter who is nice or nasty, who deserves it and who doesnt, ANYTHING can be taken away from anyone without them having any control over it.
im scared of being happy now because i feel that it wont last. how do i get over this fear? its always been there but i thought it had gone away when things were perfect. now its back and worse and more intense than before and i dont know if i will ever allow myself to be happy again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthought you should be updated, he is back with his ex girlfriend. what a shock. i even said to a friend that i bet he'll be back with her within the month. the night before last, i was out on the town and i saw him out (unfortunately we are friends with the same people so we occasionally see each other around on nights out). his ex wasnt out. anyway, he came up to me and asked how i was doing etc, bought me a drink, asked me to dance, and i mean dance closely not just a casual "lets be friends" dance!! and nearly every guy i spoke to or danced with he told them to leave me alone, saying things like "excuse me mate, she dont wana talk to you, shes taken yeah" .. what?!?! he said that hes sorry for being like that but he still has feelings and will always care. thats not on! whilst id like to think he genuinely does care about me, considering how intense we were together, half of me thinks he is just trying to keep me sweet incase things go wrong with the ex! i couldnt believe he was acting like that with me when he was getting back with his ex. how was i supposed to react?!anyway, last night again i saw him out, i dont talk to him when i see him but i dont ignore him if he says hello, which he did, but his ex happened to be out last night too. so did he pay me any attention? he has a dance with me, but then wanders off and i turn around and hes snogging his ex's face off in front of me all night? sorry im rambling. basically, my problem has changed. as much as it hurts, i no longer want to be with someone who has used me as a rebound! he can have his ex, and she can have him. it wont work because of the way she is, and he knows that. hes just going back to what he knows, so its his mistake. and if he thinks he can come running back when it falls apart, he has a nasty shock waiting!to be honest, regardless of how strongly i felt for him and do still care about him, i dont care what he does anymore. but what scares me is what all of this has taught me; anything can be taken away no matter how perfect it may seem. now im terrified of even doing anything! im so nervous it will be snatched away from me, like this was. i really didnt deserve it, im not perfect but i gave him all i had, for once i took that chance. so now i realise that it doesnt matter who is nice or nasty, who deserves it and who doesnt, ANYTHING can be taken away from anyone without them having any control over it. im scared of being happy now because i feel that it wont last. how do i get over this fear? its always been there but i thought it had gone away when things were perfect. now its back and worse and more intense than before and i dont know if i will ever allow myself to be happy again.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (14 December 2010):
 I think every serious couple goes through this. I have been with my bf for two years, known him for four years. We broke up at once for three months so we could both get ourselves together and sort through our lives and it was the best thing we ever did. We are expecting our first child together and are engaged to be married.
I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and although you don't know that reason right now, you will someday. I think perhaps your bf did jump from his relationship of a year and a half to his relationship with you a little fast and from what you wrote you two sound like you are perfect for each other.
He will come back. He said there were things going on that you didn't know about so maybe he really does just need time to deal with that right now and he didn't want to hurt you. I would wait for him. If you love him that much and he loves you too, then I would wait. Give him the space that he needs, but be there for him when he needs you.
I really wish you the best I know its confusing and it hurts and it feels like you can't breathe, but it will get better. I promise.
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A
male
reader, CJH +, writes (14 December 2010):
Youre blaming yourself for something that clearly isnt your fault - stop it!! Stop questioning your worth, it will just drive you absolutely bonkers, trust me.You guys did have a whirlwind thing and now, despite the depth of your feelings, it seems to be over. The only way to deal with that is to turn the focus on your life rather than trying to dissect what went wrong here.There could be a million and one reasons why he`s turned - perhaps he`s going back to his ex? Perhaps he`s just realised that you two are not going to live happily ever after, who knows?I know its difficult and, yep, heartbreaking but right now, you need to concentrate on keeping it together for you and you alone.The guy may well come back with his tail between his legs saying he`s made a mistake - especially once he sees you can be happy without him - my advice in that situation is to turn the tables and tell him that you need some time and space to work things out yourself.The alternative is to carry on worrying and carry on living your life on his terms which isnt good at all is it?Dust yourself down, put this relationship down to experience and start looking for other ways to spend your time. My gut feeling says this guy simply doesnt deserve you and you yourself deserve more.
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