A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How do I stop contacting him? I have kept in contact with a man for 1.5 years. He has stated to me that he cannot have a relationship. Two times he dated other girls, so I know that he is not interested in me. I just kept hoping that he would like me and truly think that I was beautiful. Everything that I do is never good enough to him. So he is not good enough for me. How do I break the habit of contacting him? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): You are addicted to someone who doesn't want you. You really just have to firstly accept that fact, it sounds as if you have. Then absolutely do not contact him again, it is pointless. Just tell yourself when you feel like contacting him 'actually I'm better than this'. Have some self belief. Just because he doesn't want you, so what - there are plenty that will. And really - in time you'll look back and wonder how you got yourself into this spot.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): Who does this man represent? Was Dad aloof? Cold? Disapproving? Neglectful? Do you see similar traits in this man you obsess over that remind you of Dad or Mom? Did you do everything to 'win' Mom and/or Dads approval too? And it was never good enough?The Best way to get over this man is to seek counselling and figure out the WHY you feel how you do about this man. Never beautiful enough for him? Not good enough, no matter what you do?You've attached too much meaning into this man and THAT is why you can't get over him.You address that and with counselling overcome this 'habit' you won't have to go through this cycle you are recreating.You can do it. Takes honesty, dedication to yourself to heal and overcome.Its the wise and right thing for YOU to do so.Hang in there. *hugs*
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (13 February 2012):
 I think part of is really believing and convincing yourself that he isn't in love with you.
You've invested 1.5 years of emotions and mental anguish in this guy who, from the sounds of it, isn't in love with you. That's a lot of effort and what do you have to show for it? You've missed out on the opportunity to find someone who really will care about you, be there for you, and want to love you for who you are.
As an exercise, the next time you think about contacting him, I want you to give yourself 1 hour to "think" about it. Meaning, if you feel the urge to call him, you must wait one hour. During that time, I would like you to write down why you feel the urge to call him. Ask yourself what will contacting him prove and ask yourself if you are being fair to yourself. Unfortunately, loneliness is a powerful motivator and simply understanding what is behind your thought process can stop you from suffering needlessly.
Once you get over the fantasy of you and him somehow connecting, you'll become more available to find someone else and get you what you ultimately desire. Don't waste any more time and don't cheat yourself of happiness.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (13 February 2012):
 Like any obsession or addiction, you just have to go cold turkey and stop.
He fulfils a need in you to feel wanted except that HE doesn't actually want you. You have attached the responsibility to him but he doesn't want it, so the problem lies with you and it is up to you to retrain your heart and mind and focus on other more available options.
His constant rejection of you has set up a vicious circle of obsession, the need to feed that obsession, him rejecting you, you fighting to prove yourself to make you feel wanted and that want fuelling the obsession!!!
It will just go round and round and you will become more and more overwhelmed and obsessed.
You need to accept that this isn't working for you and will never give you the happiness you need. It can be hard to face but surprisingly once you free yourself from the cycle of negative thoughts, after a while it opens up new pathways and new people will come into your life!!
Ditch his number, change yours. Block him from your social networking sites and get rid of anything that reminds you of him. Then keep busy, throw yourself into work or keeping fit, decorate your home, commit to reading a book a week...anything that keeps your mind occupied and contributes something positive to your life.
I have had to do this recently (although I wasn't obsessing) I had to rub someone out of my life so I could move on...so far so good. If a thought about him pops into my head, I just quickly think about something more positive or physically go and do something.
Good luck and I hope you manage to move on with your life and find things that make you happy!!
:-)
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A
female
reader, JAMR  +, writes (13 February 2012):
 Well, As simple as it will sound, and as difficult as it will be. You just don't. There is no other way that makes sense then, putting down the phone, when you feel like calling, and so on. You just STOP. simple as that. It's not easy to just stop, but some of the most important and worth while experiences/things that we do are usually the toughest. Good luck! I know it's a really difficult thing to do, but if you really want it done, then you'll trust yourself enough to be confident about your actions. :) surround yourself with family and friends, try new things to get your mind off of him, if that is a big issue, which in most cases it usually is. it'll get easier, and before you know it, hours will pass before you think of him again. and then hours will turn into weeks and then months. everything will be fine :)
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