A
male
age
41-50,
*onfusedone1234
writes:This is my problem. I have been with this woman for over two years now. I love her very much. When we first met everything was going well. Shes been in a abusive relationship for nine years with her ex. She told me how he cheated on her multiple times with many women, he gave her an std, hit her, slaped her out of a chair, slept with her cousins and her own mother. He had another baby on her by a different woman. He has also threaten to kill her if she ever left him. We now live together and just had a baby, and she also has a five year old with her ex that lives with us. So every time he calls to talk to his son, hes very rude and ignorant. Now that I know all about what this man has done to her. Its only natural that I would feel hatred and disgust towards him right? She talks about him all the time, puts him down, calls him names in front of me. and tells me how he has ruined her life. But when comes to me saying anything negative about him she then switches up defends him. What does this mean? This has been going on for as long as we have been together. Its very frustrating and confusing. I dont know what to think. Im starting to wonder if she is still in love with him. But how can you be in love someone that treats you so bad. Im thinking about letting her go because its really starting to get to me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2012): "A female reader, Honeypie United States + ?, writes (13 February 2012):"
Read this over and over, because she is spot on with her answer.
Do not criticize ex's, their relationship is a construct of both of them, and very complex. She cared, it didn't go or end well, it was not a good relationship, but she still cared for him. Learn this, and leave it at that.
A broken heart is still a broken heart.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (13 February 2012):
 She does it for the same reason that she stayed with him through so much abuse - that sort of behavior has a very primal appeal to a certain subset of women, and she's probably part of that subset.
It's evolution in action. We can all agree that women are most attracted to a guy who can protect them, right? We are descended from cavemen who could protect, and cavewomen who sought protectors rather than risking it all on their own. But, that preference comes in varying strengths and forms. To some women, it may be very weak - all she needs is enough social/emotional validation to feel socially protected. To most, some measure of implied physical protection is best - they want a guy taller than them, and assertive enough not to put up with too much crap.
But some women (don't ask me for an exact percentage, I don't think anyone knows) seek a much more overtly violent and promiscuous type of guy. They have a primal, emotional lust for that kind of treatment, because to the cavewoman part of her brain, he is violent enough that putting up with some abuse is worth the implied protection from any threats, and his promiscuity means that her children by him will likely to able to successfully reproduce. This is why serial killers get love letters and marriage proposals from women they've never met. It's why thugs and gang members always have a few girls they're seeing. It's why a lot of women never grow out of their "bad boy" phase. It's why some women leave a man at the first sign of abuse, and others stay with him for years. They're enjoying the attention of that kind of woman.
It's a dark side of human nature, and one that's not really pleasant to talk about.
None of this means she's a bad person. She is what she is. And what you do with that info is up to you - I'm a big believer in nature over nurture, so I'd just up and leave if I were in your shoes, but if you're a believer in nurture over nature, then it's possible she's learned, grown, and moved on from this.
In either case, don't defer to her when she defends him. Be firm in your convictions and your opinions. Don't shove them down her throat, but don't let her change your mind or shush you, either. The last thing you'd want to do is let her decide your opinions or how you go about acting on them. She's demonstrated that she values assertiveness in men, and you have a strong interest in protecting your new family from his influence.
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A
male
reader, eek  +, writes (13 February 2012):
 my ex used to do that and then defend then later she went back to her abusive ex! If she is defending him and talking about him a lot she still has feelings for him. Sorry to say this but you need to be careful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): I agree he's (whatever discriptive she uses). SUPPORT her and this shows you VALIDATE her. You'll both feel better. If she starts making excuses for him, tell her, HOney, don't make excuses for him- he is a horrid abusive man. Its okay to be angry and hurt and vent about the abuse you endured. There is no love in a dead relationship. I'm not attacking you. I'm angry too that he mistreated such a wonderful loving woman such as you. It hurts me too. Hug and reassure her. Ask her if she just wants you to listen to her when she is talking about the trauma and not say a thing. Sometimes we women just need our Man to sit and listen and show you are listening by asking questions "he did that?" or reflect her statements of "you feel angry, hurt".THEN, when he calls, you answer the phone. Cut him out as much as you can. BE POLITE but if he is rude and abusive, tell him he can call back when he is going to be respectful. BOUNDARIES. He's a bully/abuser and he can control his anger and rage.Make it a rule she not take calls from him when you are not around. Tell her its about keeping her safe from his abuse and bully tatics and keeping the home a safe, loving environment.Also, please seek couples therapy and put son in counselling. They need the proper healing tools to cope and overcome with the abuse of 9 years.Hang in there.Make sure he is calling at a decent hour and talks on the phone for a decent amount of time. Ensure he is being fair and loving to son.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 February 2012):
 She isn't defending him per say, but herself and the fact that SHE actually dated him, so when you criticize her ex, she takes it as you criticizing her as well, because after all, SHE dated him. SHE had a child with him. SHE is bound to him in that manner.
Let her be the one dealing with him, if he does something you do not like (that pertain to the child) sit her down and talk to her.
Also talk to her, tell her it's time to leave him in the past as much as possible.
Also, the less you talk about him, the less he is in your life one way or another, if that makes sense.
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A
male
reader, confusedone1234 +, writes (13 February 2012):
confusedone1234 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou both for your replys. She has told me she still has feelings for him. Thats what baffels me. I try not to talk about him but its hard because she still has to communicate with him because they have son together. And when they talk on the phone she acts if though she does not remember what he did to her. Thankyou I will sit down and have a long talk with her
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): Basically OP, she's defending herself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): What you fear is possible but I think it's more of a case by criticizing him you're criticizing her. Remember everything you say just reminds her how much of an idiot she was, I don't think it's about her still being in love with him. I find that a lot of women take criticism of their exes as criticism of them. They can take this kind of thing very personally, especially if he treated her really badly and she stayed throughout.
You see her calling him names is her venting, that's kind of okay but she's taking your criticism of him as a reflection on her. Which you can't deny that it kind of is. She was a fool like.
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