A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What's the consensus for knowing when you're ready to move in with someone?My boyfriend and I have only been dating for a little over 2 months, but we see each other every day (we work at the same company), spend hours/weekends at a time together, have talked about anything and everything such as marriage, kids, financial responsibility if we did move in together, what we expect in certain situations, how we react when we're upset/angry, and so much more. We've met each other's families and friends, we've traveled together for a weekend, we've been intimate too and have even discussed any issues we've had in the bedroom. Plus he's spent practically a week at my house and helped me make supper, do chores, do grocery shopping, etc. Like we've done the majority of everything you do when you live together with another person, yet everyone tells us 2 months is too soon. Why does a select amount of time (such as needing to be together for at least a year) determine whether or not you're ready? And why should other people's perception of our relationship determine it? No one knows the true extent of just how much time we spend together. We know the ups and downs of living together as we've both lived with roommates before (mine being a best friend even). We know the financial needs, we know it might not work out, but we view that as being a mistake to learn from if it does turn out that way. Aside from hearing we've only been dating for 2 months, people think we're not ready because we haven't had a proper "first fight" yet... But we've discussed that we'd try to work things out and put the effort in to make things better. We know the risks and consequences but that shouldn't stop you from doing something period, you should simply be more conscious of what you're doingI don't understand what more we need to do to be ready. Not that we're trying to rush things along, we know there's plenty of time to wait, but I'll be 24 and he'll be 29 soon and we both want to move out of our parents' houses and be on our own and it just makes sense to do it together. Is it really a terrible idea?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2018): Please read this post: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-sitting-here-alone-and-pregnant-can-i.html
Whilst there are some differences, this shows why two months is nowhere near enough to make any kind of commitment, including moving in together.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (17 July 2018):
 Just to add: "we both want to move out of our parents' houses and be on our own and it just makes sense to do it together" is a bad reason to do it. It actually makes no sense to do it together, when you've only been together for 2 months.
Also, talking about how you handle and react to things genuinely still gives you no idea how they actually deal with and react to things.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 July 2018):
It takes much longer than two measly months to know if you're right for each other. Why move in with someone when there's so much uncertainty, unless you're too infatuated to see the reality of it?Why rush into it? Staying over for a week is totally different to making the commitment of moving in full-time.It's up to you, what you do, but try looking at it like marriage: would you marry someone after less than a year? Hopefully not because you don't really know each other yet. Same goes for living together - what's the point if you're not planning to spend years with this person? Two months isn't long enough to know you're likely to spend years together.How does he handle bills? How does he handle chores long-term? How does he deal with stress? Does your company allow you to date your colleagues (regardless of departments? If you break up, who moves out?OP, being ready to move in with someone isn't the same as being able to live compatibly with this specific person. At our age, we tend to fall hard and fast (like you have). At older ages, we tend to rush things out of subconscious desperation (often due to bio clock).If you're thinking you'll be together for years, why rush into this? No important decisions should be made whilst in the honeymoon phase. You still barely know each other, in terms of a relationship, and living together causes many stresses, which most new relationships don't have strong enough foundation to handle. Some relationships would have survived longer, if not rushed. If you want this to last, don't rush it :)If you decide to ignore the advice of most people (it's not judgement; it's common sense advice), that's okay - live and learn, but just rent somewhere, don't join finances or try to buy anywhere.Good luck, but seriously think about why you both want to rush it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2018): What does it matter what other people think; if you're more than likely going to do it anyway?
My word of wisdom is that it is too soon. You need to be more emotionally-established as a couple. You need to go over a few bumps and endure a few snags together; to be sure you're compatible enough to sign a lease or mortgage together.
If you go separate ways, you're still locked and obligated for the duration of the repayment-contract for the mortgage loan. If it's a less than amicable breakup, and/or if he dumps you; he can spitefully decide not to pay another dime on that mortgage, or any other debt. Your credit would be screwed! He can decide not to repay credit-card balances on co-signed credit. Then it's all yours, girlfriend! No one listens to good old-fashioned reason and logic. You have to scrape your butt bloody, and learn for yourself. The hard-way! People can go from loving you to pieces, to absolute loathing the very air you breathe; after a breakup or divorce.
The warning-signals I'm getting from your post is that you're too much in a hurry. That's where people make mistakes. If everyone around you who knows you two, are suggesting you should wait; I'm using that in support of my own opinion. Take it, or leave it. I advise you to give it another four to ten months.
It's usually wasting good-wisdom repeatedly telling impetuous millennials, and even much sillier older-people, that having kids and co-signing debt is for married-people.
The law offers very little protection to unmarried-couples; because courts would be jammed-packed with cases of broken-up couples suing to get their share of combined assets and property. So you take it upon yourself to figure-out what to do, if you hit that snag. It could cost you more in attorney and court fees; than the total of what you're suing your ex for.
Nowadays unmarried-couples out-rival the number of married-couples almost disproportionately. So the law offers spousal-rights; and lets the rest do the best they can, at their own risk and expense. A good divorce lawyer can leave a spouse penniless; so think in the case of an unmarried-partner!
Being domestic-partners to a lawyer for 28 years, you learn things. So wills were written and assets were hidden. Valuables and properties were cataloged; knowing family on either side could contest them; because our domestic-partnership was not legally-recognized at that period in time. In some states marriage was legal, but they had no real marital-rights regarding property and assets.
He did pass-away from cancer; but his family never came for anything. I inherited everything; but gave them whatever mementos or keepsakes they wanted. No one asked for money. It could have been entirely different. A nasty legal-battle could have ensued. The deed for the condo was entirely in my name! I paid the mortgage, homeowner's insurance premiums, and property taxes. He paid everything else. He left me a lot of money, and I was his sole-beneficiary. He was mine. Now marriage is legal for gay-couples. Yet, in some states, surviving-family can still contest wills; and fight for sole-custody of children.
As many soon learn when the breakup comes; and they have no legal-rights when there is no marital-contract to secure their portion of the combined-assets and property. It could be in court for years. Kids can be totally ignored by the biological-father, disowned, and lose their birth-right to inheritance; because mother decided she trusts a man who says he loves her. Yet not enough to make it legal, to secure his child(ren)'s financial-future, remain committed by vows for life; and under a binding marital-contract, to protect the mother of his children from greedy relatives in his unforeseen demise. Yep, I know a thing or two!
Moving-in together is fine as long as you're mature, use common-sense, you are level-headed; and have a solid-grip on reality. Keep emergency funds handy; in-case you must move unexpectedly.
It's up to you to do whatever you feel the need to do; because it is your relationship. You asked for advice; so I offered it to you. I seriously caution you about co-signing debt. Sign at your own risk. If you have kids with a guy who doesn't marry you; be sure you're always capable of raising your kid(s) alone, as a single-mother.
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male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (16 July 2018):
 Your letter sounds like you're trying your absolute best to convince us as well as yourself that this is a good idea. I'm sensing a degree of uncertainty from the energy in your words. If you're so certain within yourself why even bother coming to us? Why let the opinions of others sway you?You've provided countless reasons as to why he's a worthy mate and yet you haven't written anything in regards to your love for him. Does he make you laugh? Is he trustworthy? Do you have fun with him? Does he make you feel special? It's possible you may be trying to convince yourself to feel something for this wonderful, caring and thougtful guy but it seems you don't and thinking that if you do something drastic enough such as moving in together may solve it and make you feel that spark you need.How long you've known him doesn't really matter even though its only been 60 days but if you're not feeling the right emotions are you sure you want to lock yourself into a relationship with this man for god knows how long? I think you're being logical and not applying your emotions to this situation.There's no need to rush anything. If he's the one then he'll always be there right? Moving in or getting married doesnt prove anything. Plus the fact you two see each other all the time can quickly have a negative effect on the relationship.You're still young. You still have time. There's no need to rush anything.All the best.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 July 2018):
 It might work for you two, it might not.
However WHERE is the fire?
2 months is really nothing. You don't know him all that well and he doesn't know you. Even if you have already spend a lot of time together, you are BOTH on your best behavior and will continue to be so for quite a while, around each other. THAT is normal.
Since you are BOTH living with parents I can see why you both want to move out. But again, where is the fire?
My advice?
If you two are dead set on this, ONE of you find a place that YOU (or HE) can afford on your own. And the other one move in. THAT way if things go sideways, ONLY one of you would have to move out/home.
Set some BASIC rules BEFORE living together. Make a budget. Decide on who pays what etc.
And if after a year you two are still living together and it works, you CAN look for either a bigger place or something to rent together ( I DO NOT find buying a house together a smart thing for couples who are NOT married, as it can be an expensive lesson you don't have to take).
And OP, it's not about being "ready" - It's about knowing that you can LIVE with this person 24/7 and make it work. Dating someone and living with someone can be two different things. Once chores and finances comes into the picture.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (16 July 2018):
 I think that if you both agree that you want to, and it'd be a good financial decision as you'll save money renting together, go for it. Definitely find a place that will let you move out at a month's notice, so if it does go pear shaped, you won't lose much money.I've been trying to get my boyfriend to move out to a shared place with me for a year, because I am always at his place, while still spending money to rent my place, and his flat costs even more! We'd both save money. I'd move into his if there was enough room for all my stuff, but there's not. But he doesn't want to break the status quo and is afraid to ask his landlord for a shorter leece, he just accepts what she says. He's just renewed for another 6 months minimum because that's what she offered when he asked about moving out sooner than a year.... *facepalm* so now we're continuing to spend loads of money on renting 2 properties while we spend most of our time together at 1.... OK then...So yeah, it's good that he wants to move in with you. You're together all the time anyway, and this way you can move out of your parents and share the rent therefore saving money. Win, win!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2018): Op here.
The work thing isn't really an issue because we work in different departments at opposite ends of the building. We only see each other every day because we meet up for lunch and breaks. If we broke up we really wouldn't see much of each other at all except maybe in passing.
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A
female
reader, Bazil  +, writes (16 July 2018):
If it feels right for the both of YOU, not everyone else, then why not? I think the same way for when I hear people say its too soon after breaking up with someone to find someone else. Again why not when you know the score and happy to proceed on new adventures. At the end of the day, life has no crystal ball. My parents were married after 5 weeks of knowing each other and that lasted for 13 years. I think it is very wise, not because of the time line in your case, but just relationships in general, get things down on paper. Relationships are just like any other business deal. Even someone you love can turn. if things go pear shaped. Its smart and gives piece of mind to both.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (16 July 2018):
 The only thing that 'bothers' me just a little is that you are co-workers. More than the two months thing.
You see each other every single day. I know you're not even remotely thinking of it not working out but God forbid something goes wrong and you break up, can you even imagine the awkwardness and how uncomfortable it would be?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2018): I moved into my boyfriends after about 2-3 months. I was there all the time anyway and It just felt right! We have been together 10 months now and everything is going great for us :) id rather know early if we couldnt stand living together rather than find out in a year or two!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 July 2018):
 If only more people put as much thought into moving in together! You may only have been together a couple of months, but you seem to have already discussed subjects some couples don't touch on till much later in relationships.
You both sound like very level-headed individuals. It is YOUR decision, and yours alone, as to when you move your relationship on to living together. Everyone will have an opinion. Everyone is ENTITLED to their opinion. That doesn't mean you have to take any notice though!
I would recommend trying to get a very short-term lease agreement somewhere initially so that, IF things don't work out, you can both walk away relatively unscathed financially. You can always find somewhere on a longer term later.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 July 2018):
 I might be biased but no I don't think it is a terrible idea. Look worst case scenario is it doesn't work out and you both move home again. Just because you are moving in together doesn't mean its a life time commitment. I wouldn't recommend buying a house together or anything, but I really don't see the harm in renting a place. You are both adults and you both no what you want so go for it and good luck. Don't worry about what others think everybody's relationships are different and as long as its what you both want that is all that matters.
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