A
female
age
30-35,
*igi33
writes:I'm just in despair right now. I absolutely love this site and it's helped me in times of need for so long now, so here goes. I've recently broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. We lived together for two years in his family house (his family lived away so we rented) and I loved him so much, right from the very start. I noticed in the relationship that we definitely had some issues/differences; so things like he would get mad at me if I was ever upset, he never really validated my feelings. But then on my end, I had some trust issues (i'm extremely scared of rejection, a lot because I had alcoholic parents growing up and I didn't really ever feel loved). But i'm working through them and have a counsellor. I know that he felt like it was always one rule for him, another for me. I hated that because I tried my best to make him not feel that way but he did anyway. I could have done more. Looking back, I never felt like I was the right woman for him, ever. I don't know if that was more my insecurity or that his lack of respect and appreciation for me (coming from being used to seeing me everyday living together) made me feel that way- probably a bit of both.I think we became subconsciously very dependant on each other; i felt like I couldn't even go to the gym after work because I had him texting me wanting us to cook dinner (every single night) and when I wanted to do my own thing he'd get disappointed or seem annoyed. We're both 24 and I felt about 40 years old as a housewife. I've just started my career and we lived out of the city and I really wanted more than that and I guess I became really frustrated. I thought we were really in love regardless of everything. I adored him and I loved that we are so career focused and so similar- and I have honestly never loved someone so much. So he decided he couldn't take it anymore feeling like I couldn't trust him and he decided to tell me when he got back from work at 12am and he was working the next day early. He said I either changed completely and trusted him 100% or that would be it. I said that wasn't possible nor was it fair to say that and that I would try my best as long as he committed to support me, but it wasn't good enough.I desperately wanted to talk about it and he wouldn't let me with him working awkward hours that week. I panicked and ended up crying my heart out, feeling so out of control and awful and he went to bed and slept. He was at work for the next few days and I didn't get to see him, so i went and stayed at a friends house near work for the week to give him space. At that point, he text me and said he wanted me to come home and I said I couldn't right that second as I'd been staying at my friends and didn't want to jump click of his fingers. The next day, he told me to move out and take my entire belongings with me whilst he was out. (in the space of 2 hours) So before I knew it, I've now moved out of the suburbs and into the city where my work is with these girls who are wonderful. I am very happy here in my new situation but I am very hurt and really need as much support as I can get right now. Every time I have tried to speak to him, he's been so rude and I think 90% of why i'm so sad isn't because I even miss our relationship, it's because he's so angry and rude and I can't believe it. I told him I really need some closure and he said 'your closure is me telling you to f***k off' it's so different from the guy I knew and loved. Does he honestly hate me that much? He's put our entire failure onto me, taking no responsibility and even though I know deep down that's not fair- at my weakest times I'm starting to question myself. I'm so hurt because i never even got to talk to him about it properly. After everything. I feel like I don't have closure. Don't get me wrong, having moved and living in the city next to work is great and I know it's a really positive step for me but I don't know how to get over this. I feel like there is so much blame on my end and it's making me question everything. I feel like a bad person. I feel so lonely. I really just want a bit of support right now and if anyone can help have some tips on closure/advice etc, I think it would really help.Thanks in advance
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2018): The thing about trying to maintain a healthy-relationship, while dealing with insecurities you've borne since childhood. Is that your insecurities and baggage becomes the focus of your relationship, rather than love and devotion.
You said you were really in-love with the guy; but because of your own insecurities, you felt you had to tolerate his bad-temper and stubbornness. Yes, you give and take; but at what point were you two going to outgrow your immaturity?
You're young, and this was a good start-up relationship to help you to tweak some of your lingering faults, adapt to living within a real commitment; and learn how to manage the relationship. without being too self-centered. In a "relationship;" which means it's about two people! Not just you and your insecurities! We've all been through some problems and hardships. No one is obligated to put-up with them until you get-around to dealing with them. You wanted a relationship now; but chose to do that before you got your family-dysfunction out of the way.
That's not how relationships work, my dear. One partner with issues and insecurities; and the other trying to deal with them, and work his or her way around those issues. That's not fair. He has some justification for his frustration and anger. He just didn't handle it like a man. He was stupid, for lack of a better word. He did so for three years. Let's be fair; and give him a little credit all the same.
In all honesty; I think your destiny called, and it was time that your life moved in another direction.
You desperately need time for your growth and independence; which is really important for you at this phase in your young-adult life. Women usually get very involved and too focused on relationships; but neglect their careers and personal-development.
Men usually suffer with arrested-development; because it takes a little time to take the boy out of the man. Case in point; he wants what he wants, and that's that. He throws temper-tantrums, spews insults, and does everything he can to make you feel as though you're not his equal. He punishes you for standing-up to him. Yet, all this time; you tried to adjust to this dysfunction. Thinking you're making it up to him for putting-up with your faults. That's a little misguided.
Everyone has faults. It's a given we should adjust to some; and expect some to be corrected. The more problems you have standing uncorrected; the more you strain and jeopardize the success of your relationship. It's incompatibility when one has a lot of a problems; and the other doesn't have quite as many, or they are not as serious. It becomes unbalanced. You'll lose patience with each other, and you'll fight a lot. You can't gloss it over or sugarcoat it with love; you have to fix those problems so you will have peace and contentment. Your love becomes more durable and well-established. It will evolve over time, and reach higher-levels.
There has to be maturity and common-sense used within a relationship. You don't deserve to take all the blame; and his baby-man temper-tantrums only proves he was just as insecure as you were in the relationship.
He was trying to make you think he was the stabilizer in the relationship; but that isn't so. He disproved that theory by acting like a jerk; instead of cooling-off, and trying to compromise and work the issues out. Honestly, I think things were working more in-favor of your moving on. The relationship was stunting your growth; and he has a temper-management problem he needs to get under control. The pouting, childish rage, and dramatics were far from manly.
You may have had some issues you needed to work-on; but the fact you had a rocky-start is usually an indication you're overlooking something, and it never got resolved. You simply swept it under the rug to keep the peace; and you glossed it over with puppy-love. You have to be adults and address disagreement and discord until it is resolved. Not just trade your weaknesses; and give each other leeway to continue living with faults and personal-issues you should have fixed at the start of your relationship. Old unresolved problems don't go away, my dear; they fester and grow into bigger problems.
What's the point of therapy and counseling if you never make a breakthrough, or show any improvement? You're just showing-up for therapy, and filling-up the counselor's bank account. If you show no improvement over the course of three years; you're simply living with your problems, coddling your insecurity, and dragging your baggage around. Meanwhile, using it as an excuse for your bad behavior. Everyone has a threshold, or an end to their patience. Tiptoeing around your jealousy, distrust, and moodiness starts to get tiresome and annoying. Giving him some benefit of the doubt; he took it as long as he could.
Your emotional-state is by now devastated; but only because the breakup is still relatively fresh. He was right, and I agree with his explanation of his idea of what he considers the closure behind your relationship. He has had enough! That's sufficient closure. Be a big girl, and accept it.
Stop wallowing in self-pity and begging for sympathy. You've got this. You can handle it. You got the wind knocked out of you. Just take a deep-breath. Such is life! You've got to hit some emotional-roadblocks and potholes in life to toughen you up; and to develop your survival-skills. These are life-lessons; preparing you for bigger and better things. On to the next phase of adulthood.
He doesn't have to justify anything anymore; because he has chosen to end it. Now you can give yourself closure by accepting the reality of the situation. It's over! You'll get-over him, you've got your career, and life ahead of you! Destiny is calling!
Go forward, sweetheart, and don't look back! Time to grow-up, outgrow your childhood-issues, and become a woman. Work on yourself during this time alone; and stop being a wimpy little drama queen. You're tougher than that! Writing your post should have been good therapy. Writing and venting did me a lot of good when I was in your shoes. Winded, bewildered, and broken-hearted. I was blind-sided and dumped! Didn't even have the benefit of a big fight!
Like I said. Baby-girl, you've got this. On with life!
A
female
reader, gigi33 +, writes (16 July 2018):
gigi33 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,
This is exactly why I love this site. Thankyou so much for your advice on this. You're all right, I need to focus on myself and moving on!
Part of me still feels like I had a lucky escape, the other just misses the lovely man I knew.
It will all be ok in the end; if it's not ok then it's not the end I suppose!
Thanks
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (16 July 2018):
 He told you to F off in anger. He was angry that you reclaimed you power and refused to go running back to him when he wanted you to. He expects his girlfriend to come home when he wants to cook his tea. He'd conditioned you to do that. So when you went to your friends to get some time for yourself, he saw that as you defying him and he probably did imagine you were actually with another man.I had a relationship that ended like yours. He wanted me with him 24/7 and when I got the strength to go and spend time with other people, family and friends, he got angry. Eventually I rebelled and took a suitcase to go stay with my mum overnight. He took that as a big insult to him and it caused the end of us.He blamed the whole thing on me, calling me all the rude names you can think of and told me to F off. Well, the reality is, he had unrealistic expectations of a relationship with me. He wasn't happy for me to have any independence and didn't trust me an inch.Where there is lack of trust, it doesnt work. Because one person is always trying to prove that they are trustworthy. The other person is never happy. It sounds like you had some trust and personal boundary issues in your relationship. Spend some time bring a young lady in the city. Have fun. Enjoy your freedom. Keep seeing your counsellor. When you do meet a new man, make sure you stand your ground, and go out or to the gym when you want to. Don't fall into the trap of being with your man whenever he wants you to. You need to have balance as individuals and trust in each other when you are apart. Or it won't work out.All the best. Enjoy your new found freedom :) you can hit the town or the gum whenever you like now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2018): Its so sad when it all blows up in your face.Basically he pressed the detonator to destroy your relationship when you didnt come back from your hen night so he assumed you were with another guy shagging because in his mind he considered you unfaithful because you preferred your friends company to his.So he ordered you out.So the insecurity is totally on his part and in his head you have met a fantastic partner who out shines him and he just doesnt want to face you.Its not your fault.Had you come back that night he may have gone into torturer mode, smelling your pants, making accussations and slapping you round.Now you have moved he is sure its over and he doesnt want to be reminded.Did he have a special ring he wanted to give you that night?We may never know but you are not the first female on earth to be feeling a tad bored and dowdy and try to regain your zest by hanging with the girls.He probably wanted his dinner,maybe he bought wine or beer or maybe he just knew you were bored with him, plus he didnt like your comment about running to him at the flick of his fingers.There are people in earth who have done so much worse than hanging with the girls when feeling a bit stale.In short he felt you betrayed him for all the reasons already stated.Even if you reconnected he may still half expect you to be penitent and trully remorseful and this is a difficult way to rekindle a long term thing.The point is that you already have moved on.And he is wrapped in bitterness towards you and most probably seeing someone else and that little chat where he was telling you how much he couldnt live with your lack of trust may have been his opener into the 'I've met someone else!' speech.So of course it works for him to cut off and for you too because if he told you that, you would just say his prophetic words and he would know he deserved it.Please dont assume that I have crystal balled all this, it just sounds likely and maybe you could factor in one of the scenarios instead of assuming or agreeing it was all your fault.Instead of racking your brains why not find peace and consider yourself lucky that the breakup was so painless.And quick.Sometimes its best to start off with a clean slate because you have no need to keep reliving your pain.Best thing to say is "I'm sorry it didnt work out but we had some great years together!" And leave it at that.Unless you just decide to shorten it to saying nothing at all.
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female
reader, Bazil  +, writes (16 July 2018):
People react in ways that leave us in disbelief. In his case from frustration and hurt no doubt. Being told to fuck off is cruel but I suspect a knee jerk reaction. You may not ever get the closure you are seeking from him but you can express yourself in a letter to him. Now whether he chooses to read it is up to him but at least you can get what you need off your chest in an effort to move on. Part of moving on is having the strength to avoid being in contact with him to try and engage his response. If he wants to he will if not respect his choice and start concentrating on you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 July 2018):
 While most people say you don't really know someone until you live with them, MY theory (based on my own relationships and observations of relationships of family members and friends) is that you don't really know someone until you SPLIT UP with them. He is showing you his true colours now because he no longer needs to keep anything hidden. He is acting like he doesn't care because he really doesn't care.
You need to give YOURSELF closure. He is finished with the relationship. Stop tormenting yourself by contacting him. Take back control by NOT contacting him. I promise, in the long run, that will make you feel better. I understand it may be hard at first so do it one day at a time. In the morning, look yourself in the mirror and say "Just for today I am NOT going to contact him". Do this every day. When you feel yourself weakening, remind yourself how he makes you feel when you contact him. Then hold your head high and get on with your life.
Before entering into another relationship, you probably need to work on your insecurities so that they are not such a major factor in your next relationship. In the meantime, allow your friends to support you while you recover.
And we are always here if you need that extra little bit of support.
Come on, girlfriend. You know you can do this. x
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 July 2018):
 Off course you need support it is difficult coming out of a long term relationship. You are mending a broken heart while adjusting to a new life. It is okay to be sad, but at some point you need to accept it is over and delete him from your life. No more contact, no more messaging him! Block his number, his social media everything! It will help you to move on.
If after three years you didn't trust him then the relationship was never going to work. If he gave you reason to not trust him fair enough, but a relationship needs trust. If this stems from your parents then you shouldn't be in a relationship until you can learn to trust someone, so I do see his point in this case, nobody wants to be with someone who doesn't trust them.
As for you not going to the gym ect, that is unhealthy. He wants a settled life but you still need to have time for yourself, so learn from that for future relationships to do what you want and not just to please your partner. A relationship needs space.
Him texting you rudely now is simply his way off dealing with the break up, he doesn't want to hear from you, it is over for him now and he may deal with it differently to you. No more contact OP it will only upset you more.
The good news is things do get easier and you will heal in time. Spend lots of time with friends and family, keep yourself busy and active and enjoy life. You will feel better in time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 July 2018):
 I'm sorry it didn't work out for you two. But it happens.
I think you BOTH ignored "each other issues" in the beginning and thought you either would get used to them or it would change over time.
But most of all, I think your (now) ex is just an immature guy who had a very set notion of what a GF should do and how a couple should function. And you thought that BY doing what he wanted (like be the housewife) you were showing him just how great a GF you were. Even if it made you miserable.
So a LOT of this comes down to inexperience, immaturity and not having some clearer boundaries.
I doubt it was ALL your fault or ALL his fault. It was due to many "little" things. For some these things can be worked out, for others they just can't.
He gave you a unrealistic ultimatum - to change overnight and trust him 100% - and you couldn't do that. Because it wasn't realistic for you.
I will say this though. TRUST is earned. But if you do NOT trust your partner after 3 years... what is the point? Trust is a corner stone in relationships, without it you don't have a stable foundations. And I CAN to some degree see why he had had enough of you not trusting him after 3 years. My question to you is WHY? Did he EVER give any reason NOT to trust him? Or was it "baggage" from a previous relationship/partner? If so, then you SERIOUSLY need to work on that before dating anyone new.
Of course he is putting the "failure" of the relationship on you. Otherwise he would have to accept that HE too is to blame for it and that is just not convenient for him.
But when he says - "your closure is me telling you to f***k off" - TAKE that as your closure. That this is NOT a guy who cares any more. Who wants to be with someone who doesn't give a single F?
He isn't going to give you closure. YOU will have to find that for yourself (and YES, you CAN do that - you REALLY don't need for him to spell it out why it didn't work, you know why.)
It didn't work. The end. Now you can of course spend the next many months beating yourself up for whatever it is you feel is your "fault" OR you can ACCEPT that it was PARTLY your fault it didn't work - then LEARN from YOUR mistakes and DO NOT repeat them in the future.
For now though, I suggest you focus on work. I suggest you COT him off - block his number and remove him from social media THE WORKS! He has already said he wants nothing to do with you, so REMOVE him. Stop trying to get him to "talk about it". You are beating a dead horse here, OP.
And it's natural to feel lonely when you find yourself single after a long term relationship. That just means you need to work on your social circle, family and friends. Being single isn't bad or bad for you.
Next time you meet a guy, BE YOURSELF. NOT what he "envision" a GF should be. If you want to go to the GYM and he wants you to cook dinner, you know what? TELL him I'll be at the gym so either YOU can cook dinner tonight or wait for me to get home and we will cook it together.
Don't STOP being you for a guy. It will make you miserable. HE made you miserable. He won't even take responsibility for his own actions or inaction.
Chin up, it does get easier with time.
And please stop beating yourself up, just LEARN from it.
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