A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm having a little age crisis I guess haha. I've just turned 20, and I don't have one friend that doesn't have a baby or isn't married. Everyone I knew from school is married, had a baby or has been with the same guy/girl for a couple of years. I'm single, no child, not even slightly interested in children, and don't really care about settling down. The longest relationship I've had has been a year, and I have no interest in getting married any time soon. Am I behind? Should I be thinking about having a baby or getting married? Should I stop just having fun and enjoying myself, and settle down and have a kid that I don't even want... there must be a reason everyone else is married and has kids! I'm missing out. :/ Am I behind, or is everyone just acting really quickly? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (28 December 2012):
In my 20s, nothing scared me more than the idea of having a child. Doing something as serious as having a child because "everyone else is doing it" is foolish beyond belief.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): Let me tell you something, when I got married I lost all my friends. I had mostly guy friends, so I don't know if it had to do with them not feeling right about hanging around a married woman or what. But it's no fun. Not even one person wants to hang out with me anymore. I've tried so hard to make new friends, but I guess I come on too strong or something because they back off. They like me at first, but then I notice after a couple of weeks they start avoiding me. Enjoy the single life. I certainly wish I had for a bit longer. I got married when I'd just turned 21, and before that I was in a long term relationship from age 16-20. Now I'm 24 and feel like I really missed out.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (27 December 2012):
In the village where I grew up it's basically the same: everyone got married and had babies when they hit 20. But even if that was the norm all around the world (and trust me, it's not) does that mean you should strive for that for the sake of being a part of the herd?
If everyone jumps off the cliff, does that mean it's a good idea to follow them? If you're in a group and they decide to go beat up some people and ruin a few shops, do you go along with them to fit in? Sounds rather ridiculous doesn't it? Well, the same applies to your situation. You're using the actions of the masses in your neighborhood as the standard for success, without considering if this would make you happy or if it's a good thing to begin with.
You were brought into this world with your own mind and now you're grown up you're supposed to make your own decisions, form your own opinions, etc. Just doing something because everyone else does without questioning defeats the purpose of having a brain. Do not use what 'everyone' does as a measuring stick for your interests, actions and course of life.
Plus, let's get real here: with one in three marriages failing, how many of these youngsters will have a happy family 10 or 20 years from now? How many of their kids will grow up in broken homes? Rushing into things, especially things that carry a lot of responsibility like marriage and having kids, is not a good thing. People your age have barely lived yet and they're already settling down. Doesn't sound like a great basis to tie yourself down to for about 18 years.
Just be yourself dear. Go by what YOU find worthwhile. I wish more people did.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012):
If anything, I think your friends - assuming they are your own age - are the ones missing out! My sisters all had kids at your age and now that their kids are finally on their own (in their 20s) they say that their *own* lives may begin.
Take time to find yourself, travel, and enjoy life. Eventually, love with com and with that possibly marriage and kids. Until then, have fun!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): "I've just turned 20, and I don't have one friend that doesn't have a baby or isn't married. Everyone I knew from school is married, had a baby or has been with the same guy/girl for a couple of years. "I don't know what circles you run in but this to me sounds highly unusual in this day and age to me. I mean, EVERYONE you know? really??Most of my friends didn't get married til their 30s!you are definitely not behind. You just need to hang out with a different more mature crowd. "Am I behind? Should I be thinking about having a baby or getting married? Should I stop just having fun and enjoying myself, and settle down and have a kid that I don't even want... there must be a reason everyone else is married and has kids! I'm missing out. :/ "No you're not behind. There isn't even such a thing as being behind because this is saying that you MUST get married and have kids whether you want it or not. That's kinda messed up thinking. You should only get married and have kids if you actually want it for it's sake, regardless of what everyone else is or isn't doing. It's called having self confidence and not being a 'sheep' blindly following what everyone else is doing without thinking about whether it's what you want to do. as they say: if all your friends did something stupid then would you also??
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 December 2012):
 I just watched "It,s a Wonderful Life", and this post begs the quote: Aw, youth is wasted on the young.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 December 2012):
 Everyone is NOT acting really quickly. In UK the average age for first birth is 28 or 29 ! , so it is just in your particular , limited circle of friends or in your subculture that everybody's got a raging baby fever.
If this is good or bad, it 's a matter of opinions. Personally I think it's a pity and a waste, what about getting a college education, learning marketable skills, starting a career, gaining some life experience ? But , don't listen to me , and don't listen to THEM. what counts is your opinion, if you don't feel ready for babymaking or marriage at 20, you don't have to copy your friend's choices. Do what suits you, not your friends.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2012): "I have no interest in getting married any time soon."
Nor should you. You've just started adult life and you should be having fun and enjoying life while discovering who you are. No need to tie yourself down, parenthood is forever and once you pop a kid out, your needs and wants and plans and goals and hopes and dreams become secondary to the screeching, squalling brat's constant demands.
"Should I . . . have a kid that I don't even want..."
NO! You'll resent the kid, and the kid will hate you for it, justifiably so.
"there must be a reason everyone else is married and has kids!"
I'd guess at least some (if not most or all) of them are from broken or dysfunctional homes and therefore are rushing into ill-advised marriages and pregnancies in hopes of instantly creating the imaginary perfect families that they always wanted but never had, and almost all will soon regret marrying and procreating far too young. They apparently have no goals, plans or dreams for themselves beyond being known as so-and-so's wife and/or little so-and-so's mommy.
"Am I behind, or is everyone just acting really quickly?"
Everyone is acting really quickly, to their and their children's ultimate regret. I'm old enough to be your grandfather, so believe me when I tell you that within five years (probably much sooner) your childbearing friends will envy the choices and opportunities you will have because of the freedom you'll be enjoying.
I've never known anyone who regretted waiting until they were ready to have children before having them, and have known plenty who regretted having kids too soon. Much easier to change your mind about something you haven't done yet than something you've already done.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 December 2012):
 Geeze, at 20 years old, your mind should be on college and your future, not whether or not your friends have babies! You need to move away from the high school mentality of doing what your friends do and into the college and grownup mentality of forging your own path in this world.
I agree with N91 here -- I bet many of them envy YOU for not being hit with the overwhelming responsibilities they are.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2012): You're only 20. Trust me you're not missing out on anything! Actually you're friends are the ones missing out! You have the opportunity to go to university, travel, get a trade and just live you're life to the fullest! If you're not familiar with the site, read all these posts on here about marital problem that have children involved. You have no idea how hard it is to be married and have a family! Trust me, its nothing you want to rush into. It takes two very mature people to get married and raise a family and make it work. Let's just be real, at you're age, you're not mature enough yet. Its not an insult its the truth. You just come out of you're parents home that took care of your needs and wants. You have no concept of what it is to pay bills, keep steady income, and put the needs of others ahead of you're own. You have to live life to understand that. That's what I mean by being mature. I wasn't mature at that age either! I had to learn. I am just like you. I'm the only one of my friends that doesn't have children. I'm 36! I KNOW the huge responsibility of raising a child and that is something I promised myself I wouldn't do until I'M ready. I'm glad I did. I have experienced more in 36 years than some people experience in their lifetime! Trust me, my friends are more jealous of me than I am of them. I have what they don't. FREEDOM! Live you're life sweetie with no regrets! Best of luck to you!
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (26 December 2012):
 WHAT!?!?! Seriously?? That sounds absolutely bonkers to me.
I'm 21 and couldn't imagine anything worse right now than having a child or being in a relationship! If you don't want that, then DO NOT do it! Simple.
I honestly can't believe you know numerous married 20 year olds, that sounds insane lol
Some of them may end up looking back on their life, envying the fun that you were able to have because you didn't have those responsibilities. Enjoy yourself! You're young and have plenty of time to settle down.
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