A
female
age
41-50,
*uttercup76
writes:I have been torn between to men now for a few months, but I think I have decided to give my ex another chance since we have has such a long history together and we have children together. But I don't know how to let the other man go, because I feel like I crave the attention he gives me, I've never gotten that kind of attention before. I know he cares about me also, I don't want to break his heart but I feel like I need to give the other a chance .my relationship was fine except for the attention I wasn't getting and I guess I sought out attention somewhere else and I developed feelings for him, now I feel like I'm stuck between a Rick and a hard place, they both have a lot in common, if I could Caine the two they would be perfect for me, I just so confused, I try to think I want to give him another chance but when I'm around him all I can think about is the other one and how much he makes me laugh and smile and how good he makes my heart feel, but I don't have the emotional ties to him like the other and when I think about planning for my future I can't see anyone in it but him so with that being said an I right to give him the chance again.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 December 2012):
 Okay, this is starting to sound a bit whacked, for lack of a better expression.
You left your husband and the father of your child because he was becoming distant and worked too much.
Now you want to leave the guy you're with, even though he's meeting the needs you were lacking in your husband.
The problem in both of these relationships is you. You can't rely on a guy to MAKE you happy. And you can't just flake out on a guy without there being consequences. Sure, you could get back with your ex-husband, but then what? Next time you get bored, lonely, or realize that marriage takes effort, you flake out again?
I think you need to work on yourself to be honest. Guys aren't on this earth to a woman's "everything". Happiness has to come from inside you. Instead of trying to find the right guy, focus on being the right woman. You hurt your husband....now you're going to hurt this new guy for nothing. You won't ever be truly happy because you take yourself into every relationship you're in, and you're 50% of the fate of the relationship.
Just to give you food for thought -- many times guys work as hard as they do, get ahead in their jobs, and work themselves to the bone is to show their love to their families by providing for them. They may not be good at emotional stuff, but this is what they know. Your husband could have been an out-of-work drug addict, which is worse than a workaholic.
I can't advise you on this choice between the new guy and your ex, but I can advise you to stick with your decision if you make it and no more flaking out. YOU work on your happiness. Don't expect any guy to shoulder that burden.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 December 2012):
 ah yes you still have the same problem only reversed.
You married a man who is no longer the same man.
if it's JUST communication that's missing, well then counseling will fix that.
we go to counseling about twice a month... mostly to help us figure out how to communicate which is the biggest problem for most couples... they just don't TALK.
Perhaps you just need to consider that's what's BEST for YOU and the CHILDREN is for you to be alone till the right guy comes along instead of trying to work with just the men you have...
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A
female
reader, Buttercup76 +, writes (27 December 2012):
Buttercup76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk maybe I should have said this differently.I was once married to my ex and we did have children together and I was in love with him but over the Years things that I needed in the relationship grew distant. He was never here, worked all the time and always put his job first and tool me for granted. We lost touch with the way we once were, it got comfortable with me taking care of everything, and he was happy just bring home a paycheck.I have gone through a very life changing accident where I'm very lucky to be alive, and it made me start to wonder about things and about my happiness. When I would try to talk to him about it he wouldn't listen. I was the one who broke up with him because I felt like life was too short to be unhappy all the time. Part of me loves him but part of me can't stand him for not trying to save us, and now that he has been gone for a while he wants to try but I don't think he is capable of change. I'm scared to give in and I'm scared to lose him. And the other guy I had started seeing pays me attention but not in the way you think; he communicates with me. It's not that I want someone sitting there telling me how pretty I am, I just want communication. A partner in life, but things are not great in that situation either. I don't want to lead either one on, I'm not that type of person. I just want what is best for my future and my children future. If my ex could go back and be the person that I married and keep being that person I would stay with him forever.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 December 2012):
IT's so hard when we are in love with the man we want HIM TO BE.
Your ex can't and has not provided for your needs in the past, what makes you think he will now?
You are in love with a dream. So many women marry or date the POTENTIAL of the man, not the actual man. I think that's your issue here.
You have a history with him that has already indicated he can't be what you need and yet you want to try again....
NEVER ever fall in love with a man's POTENTIAL. IF you can't love him and accept him where he is at the moment then you will forever be disappointed.
I suggest that you not go back to your ex
and you make it very clear to the current guy that you are just NOT THAT INTO HIM... cause honey he's going to get hurt.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 December 2012):
While you have a history with him and that can be important, you obviously broke up for a reason. If whatever it was hasn't been resolved then there's no reason to believe that things will be different this time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2012): "I think I have decided to give my ex another chance since we have has such a long history together and we have children together."
Two irrelevant (and incredibly dumb) reasons to give your ex another chance, especially if he's someone with whom you never should have stayed or had children in the first place.
Think about the reasons why he's your ex because if he's a philanderer and/or deadbeat and/or controller and/or druggie/alkie and/or abuser, then that is not going to change no matter how long he shacked up with you or how many times he knocked you up.
If the problem is NOT your ex but your craving male attention and affection, then very likely they will both ultimately grow tired of your high-maintenance need have your ego constantly stroked and your vanity constantly fluffed.
Radical idea: In thinking about your future, why not consider what is best for YOUR CHILDREN rather than which random male fawns over and flatters you while telling you everything you want to hear, whether it be true or not?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 December 2012):
You didn't say why you broke up with your ex. This is the key to what advice anyone gives to you here. Why did you two break up, and who did the breaking up?
I will say this, if your breakup was due to him cheating on you, then don't get back with him. It won't be the same, and that would be masochistic and really stupid. Same with financial issues or if he's on drugs or an alcoholic. Same with rage issues or control issues. In these cases, he's an ex for a reason, and you'd be flushing your life down the toilet along with a good relationship with your current guy.
That goes double for if he ever hit you or verbally abused you. That would be knowingly walking into a nightmare.
Having a "long history" isn't enough of a reason to get back together. If you two broke up because you were simply unhappy or life circumstances changed, then that's a different story.
Your new guy sounds great. Don't cheat on him with your ex. If you decide to get back together with the ex, do things honorably. Break up with your new guy gently before so much as holding hands with your ex. Never hedge bets by keeping the new guy on the shelf leading him on to see if your "gamble" paid off with the ex. It's all or nothing.
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