A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Cupids.My husband of 16 years is perfect by everybody else's standards. He is well liked by my family and friends, a good husband, a good father and best friend. I know that logically he is a good choice for me. He has stood by me during good and bad times, especially bad times. He is my rock when I am about to fall. He would go to the ends of the world for me and back. He has proven to be there for the long haul. He is a man of character, loyalty and honesty. In other words, maybe everybody is right, he is perfect!!!Here's the problem. I am no longer attracted to him. I am not even sure I am in love with him anymore. I love him as a best friend but I do not feel the spark and connection we once had. I am in love with another man. But I do not want to break my husband's heart and leave him because he adores me and our child. I am afraid he would be lost without us. I am in counselling right now to try and figure myself out and why I am experiencing this disconnect. But I do know that being physical with my husband is not something I want anymore. I am turned off by him. If we are physical, I do it because he is always nagging me and complaining about how I don't show him enough attention. So, to get him off my back, I give in. I have often cried after being intimate with him because I feel so unfulfilled and lost, wishing so much that I could be intimate with the person who has my heart, not my husband.But despite all the counselling and all of my efforts to convince myself that I can work this out, I can't ignore the feelings I have for another man. They never go away. Even if I don't see him for awhile. I miss him. And when I see him again, everything is better. I feel such a strong connection with the other man and if we were not both married with families, I am sure we would be together. I have tried to ignore him, forget about him, move on, but my heart will not let him go. I do not want to make the conscious choice of letting him go. It is not what I want. But I am married and having this man in my heart has been so hard on my marriage. I treat my husband like second best. I do not pay attention to him the way he deserves. And I hate myself for this. But I don't feel the same way about him as I did when I met him 20 years ago. I know that he does not deserve any of this. But if I have allowed myself to fall in love with another person, I can't be in love with my husband anymore.I do not know what to do. I am truly at the end of my rope. I really want to be with the other man but despite his feelings for me, he has not given me any clear indication that he would leave his marriage for me. This is such a big mess. I could really use some serious help. I have been on here before but I just can't seem to find a way out of this mess. I can't really describe the pain and emptiness I am feeling. I want to be with someone who is married who has not stepped forward but I am married myself to someone who would give me the world on a silver platter yet not feeling I love him with all my heart. HELP!!!
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best friend, move on, no longer attracted, spark Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): what everyone else thinks of your husband really doesn't matter because they're not the ones married to him. so what if everyone thinks he's perfect? They can marry him, then!
if you don't love him, then you don't love him. and that's no one else's business but your own. Marriage should be based on love between two people. if there's no love, then the marriage shouldn't be continued because it's robbing him of an opportunity to find love with someone else. (so you know what you have to do)
I wonder, why did you go to such lengths to tell us how everyone else thinks your husband is so great? why is this important information or how is it relevant? I'm taking a guess here. do you feel that you must have other people's approval to leave your marriage? Does your own opinion and experiences in this marriage not carry enough weight for you to be confident in a decision? remember - other people are not married to him, it's easy for them to see his good qualities and not know about his bad qualities.
I seriously doubt your husband will be "lost" if you left him. Of course he will go through a period of difficulty and sadness and grief, that's completely normal and everyone who goes through divorce will experience that in varying degrees. Most people who are emotionally healthy will get through that and heal just fine from divorce and go on to get married again. (statistics show that most people who are divorced, do get married a second time so your husband probably will get married again eventually if you left him). If your husband is emotionally healthy, he'll be fine in the long run. If he's not an emotionally healthy person, then that's not your responsibility and you're being held hostage in this marriage which is not a good basis for staying in a marriage to begin with.
A
male
reader, eek  +, writes (28 September 2011):
 i feel sorry for your husband. Its never nice being second best. you are probably feeling this way as your relationship was so secure (he loves you would do anything for you) that you dont have to worry about making an effort as you know he is there so you started looking else where. When doing that he has noticed (complaining of lack of affection) as when looking at the other guy you gradually start shutting him out (which made him complain more) however as you was not thinking of him/his feelings this just became an annoyance to you so you pushed him away more. Im guessing he may have during this time tried to make an effort romanticly hoping to get the loving affectionate you he once loved back into his life. Which you may have ignored or dismissed. If what i have just written sounds correct save the guy more heart ache let him go and find someone who deserves his loyalty love and affection and whom will love him in return.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (28 September 2011):
 You are basing your rejection on your husband on being attracted to him physically?
How can you rebuild that when your loyalties are divided between him and your married lover?
Your decision to stay or go should not be based on whether your lover is willing to leave his marriage for you.
If your husband is truly your best friend and a really good man, you owe it to him to keep your vows to him.
As long as you keep having your infidelity, you will never be satisfied with your marriage.
You never solve what is wrong IN a relationship, by seeking OUT of it for the solution.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): I assume you are having an affair, emotional if not both physical and emotional as well.
You are in counseling, which is good.
If this is correct, then you have to figure out what is going on with you with the help of your counselor. If you have not told the counselor about the affair, they can't help you.
However, you can't figure out what is wrong in your marriage while you are involved with another man. It doesn't work that way. Why not?
Because you are having an affair, and it is apparently secret, and secrecy destroys marriages. It is like a drug, it is called the "fog" of the affair by people who have been through it as well as counselors and psychologists.
You can't be intimate, truly intimate, with your husband if you are keeping secrets that are destroying the marriage.
Your counselor has probably told you as much, if your counselor hasn't then you have the wrong counselor and may have an enabler for counseling.
You have internal issues that would make you not feel worthy of "someone who would give me the world on a silver platter" yet would lead you to be drawn to someone who "is married who has not stepped forward" and who is also betraying his wife and family like you are betraying yours.
By the way, if you want to be the woman whose husband cheats on her, marry a cheater, and find out what it is like.
Get out of the fog, and figure out what is wrong with you, what is wrong in your marriage, and remember what cheating is.
Cheating is "not being fair" to the other person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): if you would leave your husband if the other man left his wife to be with you, then you should leave your husband even if the other man isn't available. That's because your heart is not with your hb, and therefore your marriage is a sham and if it continues unchanged you'll just find yourself in this situation again in the future maybe with another man or maybe with this same man.
it's selfish to stay in your marriage as a temporary stop gap measure to pass the time until someone better makes you an offer. that's treating your husband badly EVEN though you're staying with him and even if he's begging you to stay. if in your heart if you were honest with yourself that if the other guy made you an offer you'd then leave your hb no matter how much he may be heartbroken or beg, well then it's dishonorable and selfish to stay with him just cos you don't have someone else to make you feel better about leaving him.
if you're staying with your husband due to obligation and pressure - whether from him or from other family - then you're basically living a lie in order to meet other people's expectations of you. which is more terrible: disappointing other people, or living a lie???
it's also illogical to hope for a married man to make any commitments to you especially if you're also married. if he has already rejected you, then you need to learn to come to terms that this fantasy is just a fantasy and not something to be basing life decisions for yourself and your family.
If the married guy has no idea how you feel, then that's the way it should be unless and until you're BOTH divorced and single. He has to be divorced and single first before it's reasonable to expect him to make commitments to anyone besides his wife! and thus you can't hold up your own life and keep your husband and child in limbo because you're waiting for something improbable to happen before you will set in motion events that will change their lives.
basically if you don't love your husband and you know it, then you should leave him and deal with the consequences of that, and then move on with your life as a newly single mom, and look for men who are also single. you have to take the first step, no one will do it for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): I agree: your hb is a good decent man. He derserves to be treated with love, dignity and honour. Since u are incapable of doing this, I strongly recommend you leaving him. Yes, oplse do the honourable thing and get out of his life.
I am also in a long standing marriage. I know There are always dips. BUT through the challenges the respect is there. YOU have chosen to disrespect your hb. You have decided that he is second best. Hun, He is Not!
Yes the romance and lust has long gone but why have u not tried to rekindle it?
To me u are a very foolish woman. You actually do not know what u really have. You have NO cooking clue what a gem you have. You want to throw away your 90% for the 10% of sex missing?
You have come to a crossroads/mid life crises. You believe another womans husband is the answer to your prayers. How can u even comprehend destroying 2 marriages, kids lives dysfunctional as well?
Hun, When you release your hb , u will be so surprised and ashamed of yourself to see other woman valuing him, seeing his true worth.
You see OP, a few years ago, I also was at a crossroads. My hb and I also had marital issues. I also wondered whether the grass was greener elsewhere. Plse note that my hb and I never were unfaithful but its a reality, when u start analysing the gaps, communication issues and so forth. My hb and I hurt our kids. We apologised to them many times as we worked through our "vanilla" life: complacent, just cruising along with each other, doing the everyday chores. Just living out life. BUT once we realised that we had a problem , we both started working through them. It was devastating. The emotions were raw. But we held on, and we got back on track. We started reinvesting in us and slowly it stated to work.
OP there will always be eye candy, always be someone "better" but realise that this other person does not know the real YOU. He doesn't know your heart. Your hb knows your good, bad and ugly side. And he accepts this.
OP your hb seems to be very much like my hb. I KNOW I am truly honoured to be his wife, to love him and to respect him. Marriage is damn hard work, don't be fooled.
Once only u lose your hb will u realise just what u have lost. Sometimes there are no second chances.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 September 2011):
 You don't like to work without a net, do you ? Apparently, you WOULD break your husband's heart and leave him for the other guy, IF the other guy would leave his marriage for you first, which he is not doing ( and probably never going to do in future ). So, since the new guy is unavailable, you cling to your sexually unappealing rock.
Poor rock.
Look, I know it's not your fault if you can't feel the spark and the chemistry anymore; and you are handling it very properly, by going to counselling in the hope of finding out what is it within you that caused this disconnect ,and possibly repair it . And you can't be sexually intimate with a man that you find totally unappealing,a husband, as perfect and excellent as he can be, must be your chosen lover too- otherwise it's not even a marriage anymore, it's a friendship in which you lie to be polite , which is ultimately humiliating for both of you.
But if regardless of your efforts it does not work, - I think you have to let your husband go- with or without the other guy in the picture. Your spouse has been a good husband and father and deserves your honesty. If you can't
love him body and soul, well, you can't, but he deserves to know the truth and not being used for his reliability , as if he were an old car that's not so great anymore but at least never gives you troubles.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): Darling, when we get what we want without trying at all we don't have value may it be blessings or love or anything. You never had to fight or struggle to get love from his side cuz "HE" was "Always" there. I m sure if he woudnt hv given you enough attention you wud hv loved him...cuz lyf too sweet spoils us...thats has happened with you.If you really want to know whats in your heart for him you break your relation with that other man and go for a nice n long vacation with your girlfriends n go for retreat...don't let such wonderful man go away from your life cuz in the end its u who'll be alone...
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (28 September 2011):
What do you want from life?That's a big question, and the answer is different depending upon your upbringing, your generation, your ethnicity ...I've had the opportunity to know people who were born between say 1915-30, who had expectations of that era that were pretty basic -- feed your children and keep a roof over your heads. Those folk didn't expect to be self-actualized. Other than the cases of abuse, they 'settled', and in their last years were comfortable with each other, regardless of how 'happy' they might have been from time to time in the intervening years.Things are different now. The 'roof over your head' thing seems less urgent, and being happy seems more important. I understand the aspiration; I'm just not sure that moving on really gets you more happiness than making do with a genuinely established good guy. Your guy was great 20 years ago; will your new guy be great 20 years from now?I get what the others have said, that if you're not really there for your husband and are convinced you can be happier elsewhere then you probably should leave. Sometimes that really does work; that you know yourself better and have a better chance at being self-actualized now that you're older and more experienced. Your call. Your husband does indeed deserve a wife who is really there for him, particularly if he's the great guy you describe.But I do have to ask you whether your children will be better off, whether on your death bed you will be happier with yourself.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (28 September 2011):
first of all, I think you should try not to feel guilty about your lack of attraction to your husband. that does no good if it blocks you from facing some uncomfortable truths about your marriage.
This is firstly about your marriage, not about the other man. You have no control over the other man and what he will choose to do with his life and his marriage, so you can't make your emotional well-being dependent on that one outcome and that one only. Instead you only have control over your own life situation, which includes what to do with your marriage. So I think you should focus first on what to do about your marriage.
Your feelings for another man only managed to developed because you were already very unhappy in your marriage. If you were happy in your marriage, you would not become so interested in anyone else. So I think you should look at your marriage more closely to resolve that issue first one way or the other.
You don't just lose attraction to someone you once were very attracted to for "no reason" (assuming you once were attracted to your husband and you didn't marry him for other reasons like for money or security). Usually you lose attraction to your partner if/when there is a lot of unresolved toxic feelings built up over time (hurt, anger, resentment).
For example if there was never good conflict resolution or communication in the marriage, and problems got resolved by you deciding to "let it go", well, things don't just go away by themselves and instead pile up and fester even though on the outside you've trained yourself to not show it. But on the inside it manifests in you no longer feeling attracted to or able to be vulnerable with your partner and thus not being able to be intimate with them. Or maybe your husband used to do things that really undermined your trust in him.
While it's good that you're making a good effort to appreciate your husband's positive qualities and acknowledge them, I think you may be going overboard and refusing to see or admit or explore his contribution to the breakdown in your marriage and in your feelings toward him. And thus, you may not be looking at your marriage objectively and thus unable to see where the problems lie and what can be done about them.
For example, you say that he nags you and complains until you sleep with him and that the only way you can get respite from this discomfort is to give in to him against your will. OK, this to me shows a very toxic aspect of the relationship. He is emotionally blackmailing you - you can look up articles on "emotional blackmail" on the web, it's a toxic form of manipulation and it can really destroy relationships. And, it's self-reinforcing, with both of you locked into that dynamic and feeding the cycle so it continues. What starts out as a mere annoyance to you, builds up over time to where your feelings toward him become more and more negative. This is completely counterproductive to intimacy, so it's no wonder you feel no attraction to him. This also shows selfishness on the part of your husband, if he knows that you did not want to be intimate with him and yet went on to use negative tactics on you to get what he wanted, at your expense. And then to do that again the next time around because it worked for him the last time.
Thus, I would suggest that you try to be more objective about your husband in analyzing the state of your marriage so you can be objective about it. Ask yourself is he REALLY a "good husband and best friend". Is he really a "good choice" for you. Let go of black and white thinking - that someone has to be either all-good or all-bad. For example, I don't think that a man who would think nothing of regularly using negative tactics and emotional blackmail to get his wife to have sex with him against her will, is a 'good choice' of a husband. He may have many good qualities like being a trustworthy provider, a responsible and loving parent, and a stable source of support if you need help with errands or logistical problems. But I wouldn't necessarily say he's a great relationship partner. I wouldn't say he's all-bad, but I wouldn't say he's all-good either and thus use that category of him being a "good" person, to close off thinking about what he's contributing to the breakdown in the marriage and in your feelings toward him.
So I think the first thing is to examine your marriage and where it's headed, in an honest and objective way. why? because if you're still married, then you're unable to freely act on any feelings for any other man and thus you'll just prolong your distress. So to deal with your discomfort, I think the first thing is to look at the root of it, which is that you ended up in a situation where you were unhappy in your marriage (to the point that you were open to developing feelings for someone else) and yet still in it. The marriage didn't end, nor did it improve. So you're in this gray area where emotionally you're "single" but logistically you're not.
I think the first thing is to thus work on resolving the problems in your marriage, whether it means improving it so that your emotional needs will be met by your husband (and thus you wont' be longing for 'what could be if only I were not already married' with this other man) or else ending your marriage so you can be free to find a more suitable life partner in the future. And to start you should try to gain an objective picture of your marriage and a better understanding how it got to be the way it is. Dont' just tell yourself that your husband is a 'good person' and thus stop all further thought processes about the marriage or automatically take on all the responsibility for your lack of feelings for him - that's not how relationships work in reality so it's not being objective and thus will get you nowhere.
Ask yourself, are you giving your husband more credit than he deserves and thus are you preventing yourself from seeing where the problems in your marriage truly lie - why you feel no attraction to him?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 September 2011):
 If you don't love your husband any more well then it is time to let him go. Don't beat yourself up about it, at the end of the day if you have fallen out of love with him there is nothing that you can do to help how you feel, so don't feel guilty. If you don't love him it is not a choice you made, it is just how our hearts and minds work at times. But you need to let him go, yes he will be heartbroken but in time he will soon come to terms with it and he will still have his child in his life. So it is time to be honest with him and tell him the truth.
As for this other man, well it is his choice if he wants to leave his wife for you or not. But if he doesn't it still shouldn't mean that you stay with your husband. Live your life as a single woman for a while until you get your head straight. Please don't engage in an affair with this man. Just talk to him and tell him how you feel and give him the option of leaving his wife.
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