A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:So my wife is out with her girlfriends once again, while I watch the kids. She will come home late, drunk, saying how much she loves mje, passing out midsentence.She's doing this more and more. I would say at least once a month now. Some of the other girls leave early sometimes, but never my wife. She will stay out drinking as late as she can if someone will stay out with her.Sure, I do stuff with the guys sometimes too. But we do "stuff". Golf, surf, play poker.She and her girlfriends only go to the bars. So their doing "stuff" is basically joking, flirting, enjoying the attention of the men they meet.How frequent does this have to become before its a problem? I dont have any info that she is cheating on me. But, my gut just tells me that this is not right.Is there anyway I can change this to my comfort level? Never once, in 16 years of marriage, have I told my wife that she can't do something she wants to do. I am not sure how she would react if I told her that now. I don't want to play some passive aggressive bitch game either.Please give me some good advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): By The way QueenKatie - love the Totoro pic. I just brought my kids some Totoro stuff back from a bus trip to Japan, and they loved it
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): QueenKatie, thanks for taking the time to help. Your comments actually hit the nail on the head in a lot of ways.
I have spoken with my wife about this - unfortunately when I was somewhat perturbed by the issue and she kept asking me what was wrong. She said the same things you have, about the nature of a girls' night out (tipsy chitter-chatter/therapy sessions - no real interaction with men, but for laughing at people sometimes).
I think my insecurities on this come from two places. First, way, way, way in the past my wife was what you may have called a "party girl". Promiscious in bar/party settings. Again, I have no evidence she has ever cheated on me. Honestly, I would be shocked to learn she had.
Second, her and I, before the kids mostly, used to have crazy fun drunken nights out on occassion. Not all the time, but several a year at least. Now that I'm thinking about all this, I realize it has been a long time since we have had a "crazy fun" night. We do have romantic dinners, which are nice, but I guess I am jealous that WE no longer have those night, and she has them with other people.
That sounds pretty lame, as I look at it on the page.
Finally, re trying to keep nights out even. My wife feels this is the problem. Maybe she is right, I don't know. I have spent so many years working all the time, that the free time I have I want to spend with the family. My male friends, by in large, feel the same I believe. So we do stuff together, but its really limited to several, maybe 4 times a year.
My wife works part time, and her days are filled with much more social interaction than mine: with the other moms in the neighborhood, her work friends, and as we live near her home town her lifelong friends as well. I would say she does something with one of the groups at least every other week, drinking nights once a month.
So, I guess I feel like I understand the situation, but am still unable to stop my feelings of unease and jealousy. I really dont want that mucvh more time with my bro's (OK, maybe a little). But I certainly do not want anywhere near the level of outside social interaction she seems to desire. Why does this bother me? Any ideas how to change the situation, or should I just accept it?
Thanks again for reading my way too long post
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): First of all, you sound like a great guy and I'm really impressed, first by the 16 years of marriage (good on you both) and second, by the fact that you've never told your wife what she can and can't do, but have always let her decide for yourself. You sound like a great husband, with a very solid marriage!
I think there are two separate issues here: one (mostly) practical and one (mostly) emotional. First of all, the easier, practical one. One caveat to start with: division of labour in the household should always be as equal as possible. You say in your message that your wife is hitting the bars once a month. That doesn't sound excessive to me - many couples have a night out each at least once a week. However, if you're only getting a chance to go out with the guys once every 6 months, there's clearly an imbalance happening. The two of you should have equal chances to go out and have fun - a lot of couples I know operate a kind of informal 'credit' scheme on a like-for-like basis (one night out for her = one night out for you). If you're not getting a chance to have your own 'time away' then that's something you need to discuss.
I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I think you've got the wrong end of the stick about what goes on on a 'girls' night out'. Mostly, these revolve around a bunch of women letting their hair down and having a good time, without any reference to the men around them (except perhaps for an occasionally bawdy or mocking comment!). They have nothing to do with flirting, or picking up guys, or cheating of any kind. In fact, with my girlfriends, a woman who left the group to dance or be with a guy would be breaking all the rules! It sounds to me as if you have no evidence of your wife's unfaithfulness beyond the simple fact that she likes to do different things with her leisure time, which is hardly conclusive! You like to do activities with your friends - sports, poker, etc. She prefers to go out in a gaggle of giggly, tipsy women. That's actually quite a normal gender difference, and I don't think its anything you need to worry about.
The fact that she stays out late isn't any kind of indicator of infidelity either - if she only gets one night to let her hair down a month, maybe she's just making the very most of that time? Think of it another way: many women who are model mothers and partners still like the chance to kick back and relax away from their responsibilities for a few hours. If those two or three extra hours make her a better mother and partner the other 30 days in the month, without really causing any major inconvenience to you, why not?
The emotional issue is a bit trickier. You clearly fear on some level that your wife may be unfaithful to you, even though I don't think you have any real evidence for this. This is quite a common fear, but it's important that you keep it in perspective as nothing more than a baseless anxiety. You're quite right to be fearful of the impulse to freak out and tell your wife that she can't go out any more: that would be deeply controlling behaviour, and quite uncalled for in the circumstances (and also, by the sounds of things, totally out of character for you!).
Instead, I suggest sitting your wife down and having a calm, non-accusatory, and rational conversation about your feelings. Explain that you realize that your fears are baseless, and you're by no means accusing her of doing anything wrong, and certainly not trying to stop her nights out... but tell her that her behaviour leaves you feeling groundlessly anxious. Explore the reasons for this, both internally and with your wife: have relationships in the past involved infidelity? Was having a drink associated with unfaithfulness in your family? Ask her to help you overcome your feelings of jealousy, by providing some reassurance of her love and care for you. You may be surprised at how much of your anxiety evaporates if you just talk about it. The conversation should also give your wife a chance to raise any issues she has that might be driving her behaviour. If she just enjoys a drink once a month, fair enough, no problem, there's nothing wrong with that. But if she seems to be drinking because she's unhappy or unfulfilled, then that's something you both need to talk about.
Also, it might help to shift your thinking about her nights out. It's very tough being a mother, a homemaker, and a career girl on top. Perhaps your wife just needs a bit of time out. Perhaps, instead of being a threat to your family life, the few hours she spends out with friends are actually helping her to cope. Maybe, instead of being a problem, they're a glue holding your family and your relationship together! They may be a far more positive force for her than you realize, and you might actually be doing your marriage an injury if you try to dispense with her bar nights.
Also, please also remember that time together is as important as time apart. It sounds as though both of you are making time apart, which is really healthy. However, maybe the pair of you need time together just as much. So why not hire a babysitter once a month and have a romantic dinner date somewhere, just like when you first met? It can be very grounding to reconnect with each other, without the pressures of jobs, housework, and kids.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (12 August 2010):
 " Never once, in 16 years of marriage, have I told my wife that she can't do something she wants to do."
But you want to now, don't ya? You sitting at home with the kids makes you feel like the woman of the house, that you should be out there drinking too, having fun, not stuck in the house with your kids.
Or you can have a party in your house with the wife and invite both your friends, their kids, and just have a great old time.
If your wife comes home happy and wants some you and her time after a night out, then be the best babysitter there is.
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female
reader, Chelsea*Rose +, writes (12 August 2010):
 Hello,
It seems that your wife is just in need of some "me" time. However, if you planned some time to spend with her alone, if that means getting a babysitter or just waiting until the kiddos are asleep, she may respond in your favor. But, if you think that she should still be having time with the girls, it is important for you to express your concerns in a non-accusing way. That means don't be using the words "you you you" over and over. Instead, say things like "I feel that when you have girls nights, you might be looking for attention. Do I not give you the attention you need because if so, I would like to change that". Just friendly advice.. if you need more, let me know...
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