A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating the most amazing man for four months. Everything was wonderful until two weeks ago when he confided that he and his ex engaged in anal sex. Since then, I've had difficulty being intimate with him.I think anal sex is disgusting. I understand that many couples engage in this activity, but I find it to be perverted. Now, I keep imagining his penis with poop on it and I haven't been able to go down on him since he told me. He's told me that he'd had threesomes and numerous lovers. None of that bothered me. Even though I've never had a threesome, I don't think it's disgusting. It's not for me, but I can see why someone would want to do it. I can also understand why a guy would want to have lots of lovers. What I can't understand is why anyone would want to stick his penis into poop. I know this is in his past and I know that he won't force it on me, but I'm still upset about it. I don't want to talk about it with him or make him feel bad about it, but I'm having trouble looking at him in the same way. Please offer your suggestions on how I can get past this.Thank you!
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male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (30 January 2013):
 Just another tip, guys will tell a girl anything to make themselves feel better or reassure them or to get them to shut the hell up. Aslong as your happy that's all that counts
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked about it with him. He was well aware that something was up. He regrets sharing this with me and to some extent agrees that it is gross. More importantly, he told me it felt funny, that he always wore a condom, and that he has absolutely no desire to ever do it again.
He even said that one of the reasons he stopped seeing this woman was that for all of her kinkiness, she was terrible in bed (all kink, but no enthusiasm and zero intimacy). Maybe he's lying, but I feel reassured that he's not a total pervert.
I will do my best to block this out. Thank you for your advice.
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A
male
reader, pschitzo n not  +, writes (29 January 2013):
wow hello uhm I think you don’t like what you heard, it grosses you out every time it's thought about.you're heartbroken to find a piece of what is now yours is badly damaged and it’ll never be the same.Now hear me out a bit. I feel my wife has cheated numerous times male, female, threesomes, and interracial. I've thought about it a lot well over half our relationship (17 years together) well since I blamed her last she broke out some lube and I was like ok make it real.me I didn’t even notice until I was halfway and what was I to do? It was bad, just to have well violated by someone else’s urges combined with my wife’s just ruined it for me.My situation is so messed up but.... I want to point out that well I love her more than she does herself, its bad, I didn’t want this but I got it its mine.That’s apparently who I met and I’m that sucker, I still don’t know what to think 17 years 3 kids ...hope you can hash through it n get a message.. The relationship is not 2 people glued together. They can go their own ways
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 January 2013):
 In that case you have to try and block out this bit of info and proceed like nothing's happened. There is nothing else that you can do and you cant erase the past. Think rationally about it. His ex was an individual who had different likes and dislikes. What repulsed you, worked for her. Yes I know its hard to imagine your partner with another woman but this is entirely your boyfriend's fault for bringing this up.
What I dont understand is when you say "I've lost interest in having sex with a man I love." Why have you lost interest in having sex with him? Just because he had anal sex with his ex? Is this really just about that or are you holding his past against him?
Look OP, we cant erase the past in any way much as we want to. It will always be there and you have to think of it as something that is dead. Why bother about what has happened before you met him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt came up when we were talking about 50 Shades of Gray, actually. I mentioned a discussion I had with some girlfriends (mainly, we talked about how media influences sexual behaviour). Several of my girlfriends have tried anal sex because their SOs wanted to. The nicest thing I heard was that it felt like taking a dump, the worst that one of them actually did (in bed). None of them would ever do it again and all agreed that it was so popular these days because of porn.I mentioned this to him in passing. He protested by saying that some women love it and mentioned this specific ex. Apparently, she enjoyed it more than regular sex (she couldn't orgasm vaginally, but could through anal.)I'm not trying to be "immature" or "judgemental." I am here for real advice because this is a very obscene and repulsive activity for me. I've lost interest in having sex with a man I love. I am asking for some constructive advice. Our sex life was amazing before this. Unlike the aforementioned ex, I have multiple orgasms through vaginal stimulation alone. I wish I could get back to that instead of feeling so repulsed.
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (28 January 2013):
He did it with his ex, you obviously can't deal with that no matter what anybody says here. I personally think you are the one being immature here, he was not sticking in penis in poop. Let this guy go if you can't be more mature about it and accept his past
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (28 January 2013):
Is he telling you this unprompted or are you asking?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (28 January 2013):
Why is your boyfriend providing you with all the details of his past sexual encounters? The only reason that I can think of is because he wants to do the same with you. I really dont think he cares about you as a person and now that he's done playing the nice guy, he's showing his true colors. Why else would any sane person talk about their ex and the sex they've had?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): I can't agree more with Dayzy from Australia. I think he is immature telling you of his past escapades and yes he is probably hinting that if he can do it with you too.I think you have every right to be revolted. Kick him out.
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A
female
reader, HMxDreams +, writes (28 January 2013):
It's been clean and washed since the happening. It's really not that disgusting though I once shared your view of anal sex. So I can understand.
I've tried it, because my view that you can't say you don't like it unless you've tried it. It's not my thing but some girls and guys like it. It isn't as dirty as it sounds.
But remember, it's the past. He trusted you enough to confide his past to you. Don't misuse such trust. Just make sure he understands it isnt something you want to partake in. If he tries to pressure you or asks you about doing it, dont unless YOU want to.
History is there, but germs have washed away. I'm sure he's showered dozens to hundreds of times since then. Otherwise It'd bother me that my boyfriend has had previous sexual and oral partners. But it has washed away and is their past and doesnt change what I'll do with them in the future.
Maybe if you talk to him about it, you might understand more?
And the penis does not come out with poop all over it just so you know :) so don't worry about the thought.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): You know, I don't think she is being judgmental. Having legitimate turn-offs isn't a persecution, it's just something you're simply not into. I'm kinda the same way; I don't look down on people who try anal, it's just not for me. We all have our on/off buttons, and if anal is her off button, it's judgmental to call her such.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm trying not to be judgmental. Like I said, I understand that some people enjoy anal sex (although based on my conversations with close friends, these people sound pretty mythical). They can go ahead and do it until the cows come home.
What upsets me is that someone I care about deeply has experimented and apparently enjoyed a sexual act that I consider both disgusting and dangerous.
The fact is that anal sex is pretty dirty. He told me that there was poop on his penis each and every time.
What I'm having a hard time dealing with is understanding why he'd do something that involved poop. Meanwhile, he doesn't want to have sex when I'm menstruating. Menstrual blood might be messy, but it doesn't carry e-coli or all the other bacteria found in the anus.
I don't want to break up with him. I just want help in understanding in how to overcome my disgust with his past "experimentation" and how it will affect our current and hopefully future sex life.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (28 January 2013):
Well, you're not having sex with poop when you have anal sex. The body does a pretty good job at getting it all out when you go to the bathroom.
Anal sex is something people have been doing for ages, since the beginning of recorded history, possibly since the beginning of human history, so if it's perverted it's a pretty common perversion.
Maybe you can have a symbolic cleansing of the penis so you don't have to picture it being dirty in your head.
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A
female
reader, Dayzy  +, writes (28 January 2013):
What is wrong with this guy that he would tell you about any sexual experiences with previous partners. I share your view regading anal sex but even if I didn't, I would still say that his behaviour in telling you about it is tacky and tactless. Also you do realize the reason he told you is because he's fishing to find out if you will be up for it. What a peach.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (28 January 2013):
 i think you're being extremely judgemental. you said it yourself; it's in his past. but even so, who cares? he's allowed to like things that you don't. and he's entitled to not be judged for it. my suggestion is to realize that different people like to try different things. and if you can't deal with it or can't get over it, then cut him loose and let him be with someone who's not afraid of him having experimented with different things.
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