A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:8 months ago I discovered my wife was emailing an old guy friend I had never met that she had known from high school. She had written like 40 emails, all very long, one a day. I was very hurt and mad that she did not even bother telling me as we're very open about our friends (male or female). We normally don't keep secrets from each other and do have friends of the opposite sex. We're normally both very trusting of each other.She let me read the emails and they were very long but just friendly (very slight flirtation, but innocent and minor). In any case, she has continued to communicate once per week with long emails.I think it would have been fine if she had been honest about it up front, but now I'm bothered and think it is inappropriate for a married woman to be communicating to another man that is not her husband this often and in such depth (especially to a guy she was originally dishonest about). Their emails are extremely long, they're almost like a chat session or very long conversation.I trust my wife but think she is being selfish about having this "on the side" very close relationship with another man and we finally had another big fight and she is going to stop the emails completely.Is it wrong of me to want her to stop? Like I said, she does have guy friends who I'm fine with, however I don't know who this particular guy friend is and the way she originally kept their friendship secret from me sounds fishy.I need to know whether I did the right thing or whether I'm being a controlling jealous husband? what do you think? I don't want her to resent me and she says she will not.FYI, my wife and I have a great marriage aside from this issue, but it has really been causing some friction recently.
View related questions:
flirt, jealous, married woman Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, KayKayKay  +, writes (13 December 2007):
This is where my marriage problems started 8 months ago. First he was just "emailing" old friends. But the adrenaline rush from that was wearing off...so he went looking for more old friends...then started Email, IM' and corresponding via FaceBook and MySpace with girls at the office.
My spouse hid all this from me, and didn't tell me about it until he actually fell-in love with one of these people. At first it was "I don't know why I'm having these feelings...I love you." then two months later it was, I still love you as a friend, but am IN LOVE with her...then finally (now December) I don't love you and we've been broken for a long time...
My advice...it bothers you, then she needs to recognize that it bothers you and is affecting your relationship. If she doesn't care that it bothers you and affect your relationship in a negative way, then...that's the first sign of trouble (cares more about the rush she gets off it than the damage it is doing to you).
Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): Just to add more to this story. He's not an old boyfriend, we're both very open about our previous relationships.
I've never needed to approve or "allow" her to do anything. She goes out to see her friends once in awhile whenever she wants and has even gone out on "girl" trips to other states for several days. I trust her.
I know she was not or is not having an affair, I just have big concerns that it is not appropriate for her to be talking to another guy to this depth, especially since her relationship with him was started on such a bad dishonest way behind my back.
If I was in the same situation and I discovered I had hurt my wife like that, I would have seriously toned down the friendship and depth/quantity of emails because I would have thought it was the right thing to do. She didn't do this, she just kept the relationship on the same level.
Part of what really bothers me is that their emails really remind me of myself and my wife when we first got together and how we used to write to each other. My wife said she misses that type of communication, and realizes we cannot communicate on that way anymore, because we see each other all the time, there's no real "new" stories or reasons for us to communicate via written word like that.
So she really enjoys communicating to this guy in that way, as it allows her to show that creative side of her. I understand this, but think it is not fair for her to write us off as not being able to communicate in this way, I just don't think she puts in the effort into it like she does with this guy (the emails are several pages long).
Thanks for listening and the answers so far. I kind of just needed to know what other people think, whether they think i'm totally a control a-hole, or whether maybe there is some truth in why it is okay for me to feel this way.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (31 October 2007):
 I think yes and no. When you discussed this issue, did she mention why she didn't tell you about this conversation.
You mentioned she has other guy friend, which you approve of. Did you have to profile each one before you approved their friendship? What I think is it may have been an oversight. If you're in a relationship and the "issue" was not an "issue" before, she could have predetermine with the good relationship you have that you would approve because the other ones don't bother you.
As far as being controlling. Let me ask you, is your reason for feeling this way self beneficial or does it benefit the marriage as a whole. By definition in marriage, controlling is an act of limiting behaviors or actions of another. This would be viewed as a controlling act, all though to you it seems as it's OK. You can request, but not demand. She's your wife and not property.
I would say in this situation I would feel the way you do, but over the years I have learned to trust. You don't know this guy so you don't trust him, but you need to trust your wife enough to believe she understands her limits.
...............................
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (31 October 2007):
 If you insist she stops - she might comply but feel bitter for evermore or, she just might carry on without you knowing. If you let her carry on - presumably you can still see what's being said and it's in the open.
Maybe it's an old boyfriend and thats why she didn't want to tell you. What about the 3 of you meeting up for a meal - then you've met him - you might see he's nothing to be jealous about. I can understand your concern - but it does sound innocent. Depends how comfortable you feel suppressing another human being I suppose balanced against a jealous emotion. There is no right or wrong. Guess you've got to talk it through with her. That's all I can think of to help you on this one. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): What if i give you wrong information? Will you hold me to blame.
The decision is yours and yours alone. Use your brain and instincts. Your already doing it, and if it goes wrong don't be sad you tried your best with the knowledge and reasoning you had at that time.
Does she believe in God or Darwin
Good luck
...............................
|
