A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in such a difficult situation that I am feeling really desperate with nobody to talk to about it. I have been married for 11 years and have been unhappy for the majority of it - although I have tried to dig in and keep going trying and hoping it would change. I have been shunned by my family in law and this causes terrible friction at home as my husband still wants to see his family and I do not believe I should get in the way of that. My husband is also very undermining to me and emotionally abusive (sometimes physically) and I find myself having to explain why I have done even the smallest things and each time I try something new it is criticised - my confidence is terrible now. Then he will be sweetness and light and I'm left wondering if I am imagining it all. 2 years ago I told my husband I was finding my own place and I did so and lived there for a year. I met a really kind and loving man during that time who made me realise what love was all about however my own family were really angry for me deserting my marriage that I had to keep this guy a secret. I felt so bad because this guy was patient and loving and he didn't deserve to be kept a secret but because I feel weak and bullied by just about everyone who should support me I couldn't face even more comments and emotional pain. The thing is my feelings for this other guy grew and grew and in not saying anything to anyone I was not able to lead a fulfilling life with him. In the end he said he needed to move on and he now lives abroad. We keep in touch daily and he wants me to move out there with him. Since he left, my husband has supported me financially because I am studying and wants to make a go of it but I feel powerless in this situation. I think our issues are the same and will never change. My family (Mum in particular) are pressurising me all the time to stick with my marriage I miss the guy who is now abroad really terribly but he is sick of wondering if I will ever go out there as its been months now. Because I kept that relationship from everyone - protected it from getting ruined - I feel to now tell everyone about it I risk losing family as they will think me a complete liar - maybe I am. I recently moved house and have lost contact with friends who don't seem to reply to texts or calls. I am absolutely dreading Christmas, cannot face being false, I don't know what to do. My heart is saying one thing. My head is telling me I just can't. Everyone wants me to be happy but its never on my terms. I feel incapable of making any decisions for myself in life. I cannot sleep - please help - any advice would be really appreciated.
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bullied, christmas, confidence, emotionally abusive, liar, move on, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010):
It would be interesting to see what the outcome has been since this was posted onto here. Hopefully our friend has finally taken steps to remove herself from this situation and rebuild her life the way she wanted it a difficult thing to do for anyone. At the end of the day it is her life and if other people cant relate to how she feels then are they worth hanging onto? Hard to remain positive - so many decisions. Being financially independant is first step, then have own place, and try to remain healthy in the process. Takes alot of guts but worth it in long run - would be equally careful not to rely on new guy either too much. xx
A
female
reader, LoveGirl  +, writes (12 April 2010):
Tisha, I know I know I know ( I thonk I replied to 3 very old -2007 ones - same answers apply. In this instance my response remains the same going forward, if the marriage is 'dead' no love for a spouse, declaring undyimg love, affection and idolising the lover, still expecting and receiving financial gratification from the husband, come on......OK Tisha if you allow me one more 2007 response I will quit with the golden Oldies(lol)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (12 April 2010):
 Pssst! LoveGirl! This question is 2 1/2 years old....
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A
female
reader, LoveGirl +, writes (11 April 2010):
"....Since he left, my husband has supported me financially because I am studying and wants to make a go of it but I feel powerless in this situation...."I Will only say this: if you are so much in love with another man and want to end your marriage please try to do the right thing by not using your husband financially. i view this as "stealing" your husbands resources.
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A
female
reader, poppypig +, writes (11 April 2010):
i dont know that i have the right answers for you but i too am in a situation the same as yours, i have been with my partner 9 years and he has always been controlling and abusive towards me, emotionally and physical, i am too scared to walk away as everything i do he ridicules me and pulls me down, i went to a solicitor for help but he ignored the letters and i didnt feel that i had the strength to fight as i have no confidence because of him.We do nothing together, seperate bedroom, seperate interests seperate lives i just wish he would let me go and get on with my life.I too have met someone else, we have been very good friends for over 3 years and he is so trusting and cares about me deeply, my mum knows about him as she knows how unhappy i am at home, he has been a rock to me and i wouldn't of got through the past few years without him he has put my faith back in men although i dont trust anyone anymore because of the abuse ive suffered. I wish i could help you and i wish i could get help myself, it would be nice to keep in touch with you, and maybe help each other
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009): I don't even know if anyone will read this. I'm probably answering more for my own benefit than anyone elses. But You are not alone. I wish I had the answer for you.
Similar to you I was in an abusive marriage for years. I wish I could have the dignity of saying things were great when we dated and they changed because of money kids job etc. But the truth is he was just as abusive if not more when we dated and I married him anyway.
I was crazy in love with him and addicted to the drama. Into our marriage he would become violent when he couldn't deal with the stress of work. The violence varied from just shoving me into a wall to pushing me down a flight of stairs and kicking me in the head repeatedly.
That wasn't the painful part though. It was the things he said to me. How he hated me, how fat I was getting, that I ruined his life, he wanted a divorce. After he would usually feel terrible and was so nice to me. It was hard to not forgive him. I wanted that feeling of him approving of me and loving me.
He was gone for a month about two years ago on business and I realized then that I wasn't scared. I was relaxed and able to just take care of my kids, and walk around my house comfortable. No scrambling to get the kids out of his way when he got home. No waiting up all night to see if he was going to come home or finding him passed out in the bathroom.
When he came back I told him how I felt. That I didn't want to live my life like that anymore. At first he was furious and horrible. But then he was sad, remorseful and almost desperate to make it work.
We went to therapy at my suggestion but weirdly it was me who didn't really want to try once we got there. I mean I did, but I couldn't really do it. I don't know exactly why. I asked him to move out under the guise of trying to make things work. But really I just wanted him out. I wanted that peace again. He moved out.
I started focusing on me, losing wieght getting in shape taking care of myself. And went back to school to get upto date on my degree that had become stale after 3 years of being at home with the kids. I met a man and started out just chatting exchanging emails etc. But the ease of our connection just compelled me to him.
I fell in love and love him deeply. He knows whathas been going on with my husband and me and for about 7 months was really patient and understanding. But today told me it's time to fish or cut bait generally. That he doesn't want to be the "other man". Hell who can blame him??? Who would want that? I wouldn't.
I haven't filed for divorce for the same reasons other women don't. I'm scared of my husband's reaction. I'm scared about what it will do to the kids, I'm scared of how people will view me, and I'm afraid of being financially on my own.
I told my boyfriend I would. He is elated. But I don't know if I have the courage and that disgusts me.
I am also feeling a twinge of doubt because he is several years younger than me. I keep fast forwarding 10 years wondering if he will leave me for a younger girl...
Also my husband is starting to be really nice. He hasn't been for more therapy but what he did get seems to have had an affect. He wrote me a note the other day saying he wishes he had been the husband I deserved 9 years ago and that if our marriage fails he will consider it the biggest mistake of his life.
He told me a story about a time he was being angry with me and I was sitting on the bed with my knees curled up to my chest crying. He said at the time he didn't feel anything but anger towards me but looking at the memory he felt sick that he could do that to me and wanted nothing more than to have me love him again.
I believe he is sincere and it's affecting me. But my boyfriend is strong, and protective and kind and loving and I want to feel the way all the time I do when I'm with him.
I am devistated, no matter what I choose there will be pain and regret. I am so unfair to both my husband and boyfriend right now.
If I was a good person I would let them both go and figure out things myself but I'm too selfish to follow through on that I fear.
There probably isn't a good answer. Just two bad ones. The trick is making one and then committing yourself to making the best of it. Making that choice though is hard... I know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): Honey, I am in the same situation. I feel so helpless! I have been married for 10 years now. My husband is so annoying most of the time. He doesnt trust me. He follows me around the house, its like he is a part of me, like a shadow. He supports me as well because I am going to school and he keeps telling me that he dont want me working. While in the beginning I thought "Hey! He really cares about me because he dont want me working, he wants me to finish school...well, when I finally "woke up" I realize that he doesnt want me working because he knows if I have no money coming in to pay the bills then I cant leave him, like I am totally dependent on him and I cant live without him. It is a control matter!! My parents are alot like yours and says I need to try to make it work... and for along time, I have tried to make it work but just recently I have realized that I have to live my life for me and do what is best for me no matter what my family or anyone else thinks. If they truely love me then they will understand and accept my decision, if not..I dont need them anyway!!! You need to live your life and do what is best for you no matter what anyone else tells you! You know what is best for you and what will make you happy. If you want to be with the other man, and he is good to you and makes you happy, GO FOR IT!!! Dont worry about what anyone else says, thinks, or feels!!!I hope this helps some, good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): I understand your situation and it is hard to find others who have experienced this. I am a woman who is/was in the same place, exactly! I've been married 16 years and at year 10 I met my boyfriend. I have two kids and multiple family members who believe in sticking with marriage - never give up, learn and grow together is their motto. I too believe this as I think you do too but.... we are not our mothers, we are more educated and have more choices so who wants to be told what and how to do things by our "partners"? My husband and I were not on the same team as he made all the rules and decisions.
What made the difference is when he found out about the other man. I had filed for divorce over a year ago. He was upset but the real effort on his part came after he found out. My parents were sooo upset with me and they still do not "like" me for this. However, husbands changing after they are confronted with an affair is not unusual and I definitely recommend you do tell him (yes, it is scarey both emotionally and physically - you have to carefully plan it) or else you will end up with possibly another lover and believe me it is soooo much harder when there is a third person involved.
I think you are lucky your boyfriend moved away no matter how painful it is. I am not recommending this so you can get back to your husband as I do feel more independent since my husband has moved out - hear my story... after my husband found out I was involved I told him things about his controlling behaviors and anger (which I had said in the past) but now he finally was really listening. The way I approached these issues in the past (or so he says) was threatning to him and he felt attacked by my words. He went to a therapist (whom he still sees on a weekly basis) and got medicine! It really helped. He is calmer and we actually talk, heart to heart talks. Things are so much better and I almost want him to move back home, I want to please my family and live the ideal life which definitely has its benefits, but I do not think I'll ever find out and here is why- I have built a relationship with my boyfriend over the past six years where we have always talked, we never had a lack of connection and I have made verbal commitments to him. I do not think my heart will allow me the pleasures of exploring a new relationship with my husband as the pull is too strong to continue developing my other relationship. How sad!
It is hard for some of us to give our hearts back to a man after there has been abuse because our bond with them (if there ever was a connection) is broken yet.... we played a part of the cycle and how can your man grow to meet your needs if he does not know about your secret lover? If you involve another person in your marriage again and your husband shows he is capable of change it will be torture. You have been married for 11 years and I too married young like you did. I don't think you realize how much you care for someone until they are no longer around. Whichever way you decide there will be regrets and joys. Every day I make efforts to put aside what other people want me to do so I can connect with what I need. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (1 November 2007):
 Hi,
I'm sorry to see you are having such a difficult time.
I have little empathy for your husband even though you say he is trying to patch things up. The mental and physical abuse does it for me. He doesnt deserve a partner.
As to what to do, first think that moving to another country will be very difficult, you would need assurances from your old flame that he will support you while you get on your feet and that its just not an invitation based on a whim.
Counselling would be good idea with your current partner, but if the abuse is ongoing then it's something you need to be committed to over a long period. Your family should be supporting you but a lot of parents believe that marriage is for life and no matter what happens you still stick with your husband. So I dont believe they want you to be happy in this way, they want you to live up to their ideal of the perfect marriage. This is not constructive at all.
At the end of the day, if your husband is still abusing you either mentally or physically, leave him as soon as you can, forget everything else. You could move out temporarily again and decide then what you want to do. If you have to support yourself then so be it, you can always put your education on hold until you have yourself sorted out.
Good luck !
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (31 October 2007):
 Hi. I sense your desperation and can understand how you feel. I also sense you are feeling confused which is probably affecting your thinking. I am trying to help but I don't fully understand what has happened in the past. What made you move back in with your husband??? You would have been at your strongest then, when you had moved out - but chose to move back to your husband. Why? Forgive me for saying but you sound less strong now - but more desperate.
You say that you believe you are incapable of making decisions , but in a way - you have made a decision. You decided to move back with your husband. And that's is where you are now. So maybe you are really saying - I made a decision but now think it was the wrong one. And prior to that, two years ago - you made a decision to move out out and leave your husband. So you are capable of making decisions, but maybe you are not happy once you have made it. You mentioned you are not sleeping very well. There are a few signs of possible depression - even though you might not realise it. If you have been unhappy for a long time depression can creep up on you as the result of continued unhappy/negative thinking. Before you make any more really big decisions, and the next one is a really big decision, it might be beneficial to see your GP. They can do a little anxiety/depression test to help diagnosis.
If you think I am way off the mark - then you just need to decide for your self - not for anyone else - do you stay (and try and make a go of it - and I mean try) or do you decide to go. Good luck . Hope this has helped.
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