A
male
age
26-29,
*herno
writes:I am a 16 year old boy. I have a big problem with my ethnicity/background. I was born in Sweden and lived there for a few years, my mother is Swedish, then I moved to Canada. My father is Nigerian-African. However, I have a much closer connection to my Swedish side because of the fact that I've been back there almost every year and lived there for some periods of time. I have only been to Nigeria twice but that is not important. I hate being half black/african!!! It is stopping me from doing the things I want to do, like going outside in public because I am ashamed of where I am from. I have always just wished I was full Swedish because I adore that country soo much but I really hate the fact that I am a mixed-race person because I despise my Nigerian side. This is the main main reason why I am not a social problem, I am lacking social skills, and I can't be myself because of this. If I was full Swedish, I would be soo proud and I would pretty much act myself around people and go out in public, not being afraid of what I am...But now, since I have Nigerian mixed into me, I feel so ugly and because I perceive Nigerian features as "ugly" and that is just my opinion. I have not been able to ask out girls all my life because of being ashamed of half of my ethnicity and suggesting to myself that if I was full Swedish, I would have been much more handsome and cuter because lets face it..."white" people are the most beautiful in the world, especially scandinavian men and women who I heard where one of the most beautiful people in the world, that is just an opinion. Anyways, I don't know what to do, I always hide myself and lie about the fact that I am full Swedish to people, friends, etc. If I am out with my dad, I pretend like he is not my father and I lie to people saying he is just my dad's friend. However, I am proud to go out with my mother. I hide every aspect that shows I am half Nigerian because I just don't like being it. What a werid mix...Swedish with Nigerian...rare...and the Nigerian is a disgrace to my Swedish side, and that is why I am saying that full Swedish would have been better. Knowing that I can't change where I am from, leaves me stranded in life and more importantly, it evokes depression out of me. I am constantly depressed because of this and I never wanna tell my parents (dad) how I feel because it will kill him mentally. Can any of you guys give me advice on how to cope with this, I know you guys can't change anything but give me some good advice (like experience, something that would make me feel better). I just don't know what to do, and I know there is nothing I can do about it...
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): You mention that you do not want to tell your parents how you feel as it would hurt (specifically you mention your father). Trust me he knows. Unless he is a very distant person and not around you much he knows. He knows the issues of race and the problems he faced himself in being with your mother.
He may be wanting to talk to you about it and afraid or not sure how to approach it. If an entry point comes forth where you two may be able to talk about it I would say do it. You may be surprised what help or insight you may get from your father and mother. Though it may be tough at first.
They are more aware of what you may be feeling than you know.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): You are still very young and that's an awkward time for anyone! It is a time of determining self and ones place among friends, peers and the world. It is doubly hard when you have a dual heritage.
I am certain you will come to terms with this over time. As others have mention you will not do yourself any favors to give your white blood so much props over your black blood. It just makes for self-hate and the ones you want to like you will not like you either.
Try to read about famous or controversial interracial people of mixed heritage from the political and social arenas. You don't have to agree with these individuals but learning how they navigated life will help you. And you will know that you are not alone in your feelings...
Google something like "living as a biracial person" to see what you find (bearing in mind some of the links may be non-sense like much online re. race)... here are a few things I found just looking online:
http://www.mixedfolks.com/mfc/Welcome.html
http://thehotzone.forumotion.com/t243-biracial-famous-people-who-look-white
http://www.knowledgerush.com/kr/encyclopedia/List_of_multiracial_people/
It will not help you to hate your black side, nor will others 'like' or respect you more as a FAVOR or credit to you hating that side of you. It just does not work out that way. You will see...
Best to you. Keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, zhacha  +, writes (27 June 2011):
I am black living in the states and have some white European blood in my lineage ala my maternal grand parents. It is not uncommon as an American to have white blood in ones family lineage.
Additionally, I have bi-racial members in my immediate family. I observed the struggles of my bi-racial family members per how they choose to represent and deal with it.
My best advise for you is to come to terms with your multi-racial self and forg out of hand as you are doing.
You could marry or conceive with a white a have a brown skinned child, so trying to 'pass' and keep secret your heritage will not work.
You will not be able to erase your blood heritage. To do so will always bring you down; building your life on lies will haunt.
Further, and most importantly, you will NOT endear those of your preferred side/ race by depreciating your African blood. Not really.
Appearances and social politeness is one thing, but no one 'really' rallies to or RESPECTS a person holding such contempt for that which is is part of who they are.
And ironically, that which you so endear will ironically be MORE out of reach in your quest for their approval, withstanding what appears to be true and or said publically.
Better to embrace and 'learn' more about your rich cultural inheritance good and bad on both sides.
To do so will EMPOWER you! On your own terms. Not others.
That empowerment will provide you better knowledge of where people STAND regarding WHO YOU ARE, instead of who you want them to see you to be - for their 'acceptance'.
Learning to love yourself - this will help you find peace as it will start WITH YOU and not others!
Why should you put your sense of self-determination and worth so much in the hands of others?
Do you deem them so perfect and flaw-free to give over so much responsibility to determine your self worth?
The same race you so exclusively exalt is not perfect. No race is.
The perfection you seek is fabricated in part on the world view of racial supremacy of which by definition will always allude and disappoint you.
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A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender +, writes (27 June 2011):
 Wow Cherno, I like to think I've been around the block a few times around these parts but can't say I've seen a concern such as yours.
I think responses thus far have raised many valuable points. Before I even say (write) anything, I feel your partial self-loathing is so deep that I would suggest getting a professional opinion on this matter and to perhaps seek counseling as you say it is a social impediment for you.
Having said this, I can understand where you're coming from. Not that I'm biracial, but I understand the dynamic. Clearly, growing up you received messages associating white with good and beautiful and black pretty much with the opposite. I think you also sense that your views are not healthy and dare I say racist. But the fact is you should not feel like you do and probably one of the reasons why you do is because most of what you know is from the perspective of a predominantly white European male perspective (and mostly British at that). In Western countries, it is this perspective that dominates our educational textbooks and history books. While this is beginning to change, we cannot deny it.
Let's take, for example, the question Who discovered America? What is your answer? I would hazard to guess that most would say Christopher Columbus. Fact is that wasn't even really his name, it was actually Cristoforo Colombo, he was an Italian sailing under Spanish authority (Europeans). But why did they change his name? In part no doubt to make it more acceptable to English speaking peoples. But moreover, the initial question itself is skewed, because if you really think about it, Was America ever really discovered? That question in and of itself is inherently biased as it only considers the perspective of the European. To Europeans America was discovered, but taken from another perspective, America was arguably discovered by ancestors of the Native Indians some 25,000 years prior to Colombus. Columbus only discovered America from the perspective of the European.
It is these types of inherent biases that in part affect us all and tend to favour the white European male perspective, typically at the expense of other races/ethnicities and women. While things are changing and other races and cultures have more role models to look up to, these biases will tend to dissipate. However, it will take time.
In terms of yourself, you can fight who you are, or you can choose to become more confident in who you are. You need to challenge yourself as to why you are currently thinking the way you do? What messages did you receive growing up? Challenge it...and realize that it is propaganda and/or misinformed in large part. Constructs of what is and has been deemed beautiful has changed over time and there are beautiful people in all races and even individuals have different ideas as to what is beautiful to them.
Look to your strengths and positives and focus on those. Look to role models as others have mentioned for support. Is not president Obama of Nigerian descent? His election is almost unprecedentd in out times. That is the beauty of being biracial, you can draw the best from more than one race or culture. Accept who you are and your father and stop propagating the messages that have influenced you to think the way you do. Is this something you would want for any of your own future children.
Finally, stay away from those who would knowingly or unknowingly influence you negatively.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): I understand your point of view but you are wrong! It really doesn’t matter that you are black or white. Do you think being white makes you better? How many asshole whites do you want me to show you? What is important is not the color of your skin. You should focus on your life and education instead of being depressed and down, do you know the impact of these feelings on your life? Just stop it. Who do you prefer an educated successful black person or a loser white guy? I am a beautiful white girl but I have seen some black guys who I really didn’t mind to be with them. I think mix kids are really attractive and cute; you may be one of them. Just wake up, focus on the important things in your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): Run all you like, kid. You can't ever escape where you came from and you show great disrespect by even trying.
Your mother didn't seem to care about the colour of your father's skin. Why on earth should you? What has skin colour got to do with anything?
The is the 21st century. Shit like that just shouldn't even factor into things anymore, and for most people with half a brain, it doesn't.
How the hell can you possibly have grown up with this attitude? Who did you get it from? Because you certainly hate something by nature. You have to be programmed to do so by your peers and those in your community.
Grow up and learn to accept who you are and maybe you'll be happier and find that others are as well.
Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 You're a young man, and I think these feelings of yours are the result of your craving for an acceptance your black side makes more difficult to get. Just as I wished I were taller, for example, you wish you were not half black. If this is all there is to it, then your problem is just one growing pain of many.
Now, I need to say that being black does not make you any worse than anyone. It makes you non white, but that is all there is to it. I certainly hope the day will come when you will understand that the color of your skin does not make you better or worse than anyone. It's who you are that matters.
I suppose your father would feel very sad and heartbroken if he knew what his child is doing. This, my friend, is very bad.
One could think that the fact your Swedish mother married a Nigerian would result in your having a different outlook on race. But it doesn't surprise me that you don't. Sometimes people fake accepting other races while secretly despise them. Please notice that I say "other races", because whites are not the only ones who do this. I suppose being half black was not a mere fact of life, but perhaps something people would speak behind your back about. Or, not so much behind your back.
I very much like Scandinavians, and I agree with you that Scandinavian women look great (although sometimes, well, they don't) and yet, in spite of the fact that I'm not Scandinavian, I feel hot and gorgeous and sexy and randy and everything. My sister disagrees (and then my family) but I couldn't care less about her opinion. You can learn to feel the same way.
Sweden is a great country, yes, and the people are great. I assume your father is a great man as well. I assume your mother challenged the prejudice with good reason.
I can only recommend that you learn to see the good in people despite their color or national origin. And that, only because that is the truth.
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