A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been engaged to my man for almost a year. We dont go out anymore and sex that only happens when i throw a fit.He always says his back hurts but when it's work he is out the door no problem. So all im good for is to wash his clothes and cook and clean. I'm not sure we should be married. Things need to change or maybe it's me and this is not where i belong.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 Well, call me gullible, but haven't you thought that he may actually have a bad back ache ?
When it's work he's out of the door... maybe also because he has no choice, I guess. If he does not work he does not get paid,does he. Or, he has all the paid sick days he wants- but we all know how it is , you lay it on thick with every ache and pain , and call in sick at the first symptoms... and sooner or later you find yourself substituted by someone younger, healthier and more resilient.
Don't be so quick to dismiss his complaints. Convince him to go see a doctor and get a diagnosis- THEN, if the doctor says it's nothing, it's all in his mind / he's telling you lies, and you take it from there. But first, he needs to get himself thoroughly checked.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 October 2014):
 I'll repeat my old, worn-out mantra for you: IF there is a mismatch of sex and/or intimacy between two people who believe that they are in a "relationship" (or, a marriage) then that relationship/marriage is doomed....
You need to decide at which point you would like to end things...... It's easier to do so PRIOR to tying the knot!!!!
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 When a man says his back hurts it's not anything to dismiss like a simple headache or just being tired. He could have a herniated disc but too afraid to see a doctor and get a surgery. A declining in health is also a shame to manhood and makes him want to retreat and forget about the pain.
If I were a man and I had erectile dysfunction I would take viagra. Just because I am not feeling well does not mean my woman's need for happiness vanished. Maybe he has a wishful thinking that women don't need sex. Those who do are demanding and annoying. Do you really want to have sex when he treats it like an obligation? He isn't even impressing you so that you would be eager to marry him. He's afraid that if he misrepresents himself then you feel trapped after the marriage. So being his true self right now is giving you a favour for you to decide if you want to go ahead, or leave.
I would not want to be with a man who's okay with just coasting along and giving up on life. All his energy is reserved for making money that he needs and at home he lives like he's already retiring. You on the other hand still have a lot in you and worry that you are accompanying him to slowly rot at the same time. I have to stress though maybe I am wrong and he calculated the risks and decided it's not worth it to do surgery. He could be thinking, "I am not going to have much luck in women. If I get married, great. If I don't, oh well."
If I had been married with a man for many years and he gave me lots of happiness then I would accept and be compassionate about his condition. Since he didn't give you much and you are almost going straight into a boring unfulfilling life with him I will really have to reconsider. The relationship is not allowed to flourish so it doesn't even have a course yet. I would be tempted to say he is just perfect for a woman with a low sex drive or somehow repulsed by sex as well. Let these two people say to the world, "see I have someone in my life and it's peaceful."
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 October 2014):
 That has got to be the strangest excuse, right up there with "i've got a headache' which when you analyize it makes no sense. Need to get on top(pun intended) of this 'problem' ASAP. Might want to delay wedding bells for a while?Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): Better to deal with this now, than after you've tied the knot. It may not mean your relationship has run its course; maybe that you have a higher sex-drive than he has.
I guess maybe it has run its course, if you feel the lack of sex is a big deal-breaker.
Most women are at their sexual-peak in your age-group, between 41-50. Most guys are starting to wind-down after 40. Our testosterone levels start to drop as soon as the age of 45. Sooner for guys who never exercise and don't live healthy active lives. There are other men who are quite virile and studly well into their old-age. There is no noticeable change in their sex-drive. They either have very happy, or very disgusted sex-partners!
It's a very sensitive subject, but you can't marry someone that you can't discuss sex with. If his back hurts, you can be on top. If he can't maintain an erection, or it's becoming difficult for him to get one; maybe it's time for a physical examination to find out if he has erectile dysfunction. Such a topic is not the kind of thing men like to talk about. Not even with our doctors! A wise man would!
Sometimes medication and/or sudden change in health lowers a man's sex-drive. Stress and exhaustion are likely culprits as well. The most common cause of lack of interest in sex is, he just gets very used to the same partner and sexual activity starts to plateau. I am not going to even get into porn. It is a worn-out subject with me, and I'm not even going to go there. Cheaters aren't that hard to figure-out. There are tell-tale signs. Women are pretty intuitive about that. It's almost uncanny!
No guy likes to explain his loss of interest in sex with his partner; because women usually will take the blame and feel it's her fault, before understanding something that probably only another man would. Keeping sex interesting takes imagination and being adventurous. Asking a partner what they want usually saves you the trouble of guessing. That is, if you can talk to them about it in the first place. If missionary is the only acceptable position, it may be too vanilla. Don't be reluctant to be on top.
Now is a good time to test how well you communicate. If he is willing to talk to you on a subject that is so sensitive and work things out? Your relationship is in pretty good shape, and I wouldn't give-up on it.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (6 October 2014):
Is this actually a question? What do you want help with? You certainly shouldn’t be getting married if you feel that resentful towards him, perhaps you aren’t compatible. If you actually do want to work at this, it’ll require give and take on both sides. You’ll have to let go of this anger towards him. He may well have a bad back but still has to work. Perhaps your lack of sex life comes from the fact that, as you said yourself, you don’t go out anymore. You seem resentful towards each other and I expect you’ve got locked in to a pattern of routine where you never surprise each other, you never do romantic things together, complement each other, or set time aside for each other. And so the sex becomes mechanical, he loses interest, you go mad, and guess what? Nobody wins. Talking this over with him, agreeing to make time to do special things together, and trying hard not to take each other for granted, are the ways you can hopefully solve this and spice up your sex life. But from the way you write, this dismal sex life is symptomatic of a relationship in trouble, and one I’m not sure you even seem to want anymore.
I wish you all the very best.
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