A
male
age
41-50,
*by1
writes:via text, emails, pictures and dating sites, women, is it really that bad when a man does it? even after a year my ex still goes on about it when i ask her to start again and see how we get on. silly cow isnt interested and just uses these as an excuse and says i caused it. she forgets that we was meant to be and been thru so much along with our kids.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 October 2011):
 OP, after reading your updates, I 'd like to suggest you to really, honestly re-evaluate all your relationship with Laura, and not to make reconciliation the one and only focus of your future. It may be very well, that , regardless of love and passion, this relationship is toxic and unsusteinable for both of you.
You have been caught more than once, so obviously, with all your protests of love, you have strong difficulties in being faithful, or at least giving her the kind of loyalty she wants ( i.e. no sexting, no flirting, etc. ) Apparently you have an exceptionally hard time sacrifying your need for attention / validation from women to the needs of a steady relationship, and that makes you a risky bet as a partner. BUT, also Laura's reaction is totally disfunctional. If what you say is true, and if she physically attacked you and messed your face up so badly that you had to stay home from work- she is an abuser. She has the right to draw the line at infidelity- and you have the DUTY, IMO, to draw it at physical abuse. Once a relationship gets to the point of physical assault- it's gone, over, kaput. No sense in trying to revive it, time to let it go because it only will poison both parties.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): I don't blame your Nan for trying to get her money back, £2500 is ALOT of cash. Why would she just write it off.
Also you say your ex is training to be a midwife,which I know for a fact is long hard hours, she is also a single parent to 5 children. Enough to stress anyone to the max,she must have great childcare in place, then she has the debts on top to sort/pay back.
Focus on yourself and seeing your kids for goodness sake, don't fall out with your family, build bridges.Look at it all from their point of view.How do they see her?
Your Ex has moved on.
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A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (14 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question id like to thank everybody who has contributed to this thread and given me food for thought. ive been lucky this week that work has been quiet and ive managed to reflect on myself more than ever and my situation. ive msgd laura afew times and think ive probably been more honest and open than ever before thanks to you people. its hurting me and i cant explain how much, but ive caused more and deserve all of this. i havent anything to live for other than my kids now, and pray someday she can forgive me and possibly try again once she sees me strong, settled and focused. thankyou again all of you. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): Your situation gets more complex as you go along with your story...
It is unfortunate that your family has fallen out due to money. The rift between her and your family may never be healed, which is very sad, but yes that can play a role in her not wanting to come back, too. Being despised by your partner's family is not a great place to be.
My advice here, is that since she is in school, she is growing within herself. She's trying to make a better position for herself. That will help her heal and build self-esteem, which she will have lost after the incident.
It is very bad that she attacked you physically, especially to the point that you couldn't work. She is right to say that time apart is good. It isn't good for the kids to witness that kind of pain or turmoil from the parents. It is abusive to them. I know it has been almost a year, but she needs more time, I think.
It is impossible to say if she will ever come back or not. I know that hurts and it is hard to hear. But, you need to be patient. Maybe once the civil case with your family is over that will help. Maybe once she has made the accomplishment of school in her life, that will help. But those are just "maybe."
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 You mean she has caught you out more than once? Did you promise never to do it again and then went and did it again?
I think I know what the problem is.
She is more stubborn than you are. She is out-stubborning you. You can't win a stubborn contest with someone who is more stubborn than you.
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." A stubborn person with that in her head will never get back together with a guy who makes hollow promises.....
Add that to the family and legal pressures? I'm sitting here shaking my head. I think this is really a lost cause for you.
So there's more going on than your cheating and breaking her trust, it sounds like. She sounds like a pragmatic woman with a personal agenda that no longer includes you. Sorry, but if she has moved on, I really don't see how to turn her around.
You have to live your life as though she isn't coming back, that's your reality. Sorry.
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A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (14 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe found out last time cos she read text on my phone which went off after we went out for a night and was being intimate at home. (couldnt make it up) so from niceness she turned into dr evil, attacked me, bruised and cut me with her nails that much i couldnt go to work for a week i was in that much of a state. she broke down crying asking why. but that wasnt the end of it. that was in the jan and i was still there til the may.
she is studying to be a midwife now and is on benefits, infact late last year we went out for a meal and i asked about coming home, she asked how much i was on and when i told her she said thats not enough to come home, were better off apart. it doesnt help that my nan is now in the process of taking legal action to get her money to which ive fallen out with my family over as there not helping my situation at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): She owes your Nan £2500? Plus other debts she has run up in your name?
Another reason she doesn't want you back perhaps.Is she working or on benefits?
Shes making a mug out of you in many ways, ye you did very wrong and broke her trust - but she's just playing you now, running hot n cold, you need to sort the debt issues before you sort your love-life
Look anyone can tell your sorry, but the person you want to forgive you is not going to budge is she? You can't MAKE somebody care...its like say, your first Ex trying to win you back..you wouldn't be interested would you..no matter what she said or did
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 October 2011):
Remind me how she found out? And how did you react when she confronted you the very first time?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 October 2011):
You keep saying you didn't cheat. I think that you're trying to rewrite HER history of your actions. You think you didn't cheat. She thinks you did. You think she's wrong. You are trying to force her into YOUR frame. You can't win this argument with her because she has her own frame, which is equally valid and in fact, trumps yours.
You actively sought out women for sex chat.
She has lost respect for you. You became untrustworthy and unreliable. You became a liability. You became another child who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar and refuses to see that his actions were wrong.
If you'd been caught out before, that's shame on you, a second time and then it becomes shame on her. Add to that all the pressures against your relationship, I can see that she'd feel like a relief not to have to defend being with you to her family and friends all the time. This way, she's only disappointing you, if she took you back, she'd be disappointing every one else.
Until you really see it from HER perspective, you are doomed to that poxy flat.
The other point you seem to be missing is this: she left one guy and survived. She's left another and has survived for a year. Being with a man is not necessary to her.
You keep saying the same things over and over again. You are stuck in a logic circle of your own devising and until you recognize that you are now in a new phase of your life, you will sit in that poxy flat and pout, running those same thoughts around and around that little train track set of your mind. Useless and a waste of time.
I think your best bet is to start living your life assuming you will not be with her. Maybe if she sees you losing interest in reconciling she'll have second thoughts.
The point is that what you are doing now is not working, so you have to change it up. Do a 180 and approach life from the point of view of a single man with a responsibility for his children.
Try to start to move on, she's been gone a year and I'm pretty sure she has no intention of taking you back. She's had time to recover from the emotional blows you dealt her and decide if she wants to take the risk with you again. I guess she decided it was a bad bet for her.
You're living in a new "normal" so it's time to look squarely at it and stop looking to her to change her mind.
To use an old saying, today is the first day of the rest of your life. How are you going to make it better, relying on no one but yourself? Expecting nothing from anyone but yourself?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 October 2011):
What do you mean, you did not cheat ?! That's totally debatable. You did betray your promise of exclusivity, and you did engage in activities finalized to sexual gratification ( cybersex and sexting ) with other women than yours- that constitutes cheating for a lot of people and Laura is obviously among this people.
I see that you are unamovable from your opinion that you did not do anything serious and it was just harmless fun. Well, think what you want, you are entitled to your opinions same as anybody else... but let me tell you, I am not surprised that this attitude is cutting no ice with Laura !
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male
reader, tby1 +, writes (14 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni understand what both of you are saying. ive told her just that. i wont ever give up hope. truly cant get over how stupid ive been and why?? ive asked her to watch me from afar and notice the changes in me and that all i ask of is that chance. i miss her and love her more than i ever thought possible and no woman ive ever met has ever had the affect on me that she has
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): I agree with Confused. Emotional affairs are way worse for women. There was actually a recent study showing that is a difference between men and women. For a man, the physical affair is considered worse. For a woman the emotional affair is worse.
Of course both are bad. Both remove trust. But if you'd got drunk and met some woman at a bar and had sex one night, then never called her again, there would be a better chance at forgiveness.... although it is still slim.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 October 2011):
 "dont deny i was a fool also. but i never cheated as i said to her last night, if id stuck my dick in another woman or similar then fair enough got no comeback on that but i didnt. what i saw was harmless actions, obviously not on reflection, but to ruin loads of peoples lives over it. not having it"
I'm going to bang my head against the wall now.
OF COURSE YOU CHEATED. An emotional affair is still an affair. IN fact, many women like myself will find an emotional affair WORSE than if you "stick your dick" in another person... Bodies are just that, bodies.. emotions are what matter to me....
You just are NOT grasping the severity of your actions. IT IS JUST AS BAD as physical cheating if not worse. OWN your behavior and own your mistakes... use it as a growing experience and MOVE ON... stop torturing yourself, Laura and your family. And stop trying to place blame or use family issues as a cover.
YOU SCREWED UP.... live and learn.
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A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (14 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondont deny i was a fool also. but i never cheated as i said to her last night, if id stuck my dick in another woman or similar then fair enough got no comeback on that but i didnt. what i saw was harmless actions, obviously not on reflection, but to ruin loads of peoples lives over it. not having it
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 October 2011):
you were not a fool for believing her. YOU were a FOOL for CHEATING on her and LYING to her and breaking YOUR PROMISE to her.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 October 2011):
Ah sure . Since Laura told you that she loved you and would be with you forever,- therefore she should have stayed regardless of anything you do. You cheat on her , you make a fool out of her- hey, she should still with you be ,because she said she would. So, I told my landlord I am surely going to renew my lease, so even if tomorrow the roof falls down, and it rains inside, well, I'll just have to grin and bear it, I guess - because I had told him I'd stay.
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A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (14 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah youve probably summed that up pretty well, but i did explain in my words on the link below. i earned what i got and had. took me months to get laura, wasnt easy with friends and family issues on both sides. weve had other issues to contend with also. i never once saw my life apart from her once id got her. she told me she loved me and was going to be with me forever and i believed her. what a fool for doing so
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 Then can you at least tell us WHY you cheated? Why you wanted the attention of other women, if you were so happy with Laura? If she was your best friend, if you loved her so much... then WHY did you go behind her back? Why did you not respect her? Why were you not loyal to her?
It doesn't help that you claim you are loyal to her when you have shown her that you are, in fact, not loyal to her. What will you have us say? You contradict yourself all the time. If you want support then be honest. Why did you do it? I know for a fact someone who respects their partner, adores their partner, loves their partner, is loyal to their partner, thinks they are meant to be forever... will not go online flirting and sexting with other women. So, why????
Here's what I think: you took her for granted. You thought you were secure in the house, with her having your kids and all. You thought the "silly cow" wasn't capable of living without her man to fix all her issues with money and whatnot. You thought she was so trapped with you, with this destined relationship she supposedly has with you, that you could do anything you felt like, and she'd still never leave you. You took her for granted. You thought you could treat her badly, and that she'd never leave. You thought no matter what shit you did to her, she'd never leave. And then she up and left after all, and now you're here in shock because surprise surprise, Laura has some self respect.
If you weren't taking her for granted... or taking her love for granted, taking the entire relationship for granted, why were you flirting with women online instead of with Laura, whom you claim is your one and only?
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A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (13 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyour trying to blow holes thru all my hard work and the future. of course i want her to be happy, and id prefer it like we was, we was very happy, we went everywhere and did everything, we was best friends. theres been added pressures with the kids and some of our family members, her sister doesnt live me, my family dont like her, and these are other reasons she is against reconcilliation. she owes my nan 2500 and my nans threatening legal action and ive got people chasing me for debts which she has rung up in my name, yet ive done and doing all i can to stop these issues.
it appears to me people would rather us remain apart to say told you it wouldnt work. we was right all along. i was hoping for more encouragement and womens ideas of how i can continue my progress, how she will see and how i can get back onside. I know it wont be easy, but she is worth it, and i hate to fail at anything unless i want to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): Ok Everyone, especially OP:
I never thought I would say this to the OP but here goes:
U messed up. You cheated.
U sought help for your issues. I think your decision to seek help was the right one BUt perhaps your motives were wrong. U should have done it for U first and then L and the kids. Be that as it may: U got help and U started getting your sh1t together, great!
She hasnt/doesnt want help from a professional. That's her loss.
What's this crap u are going to wait for L until doomsday. This is the first in regressing (hope this is the right word: u are going backwards. Counselling should have help u with acceptance and moving forward)
Not being faithful but to L: WTF? Read what u just wrote.
OP your existence/happiness is NOT dependant on L. At least u did seek help for your issues. u admit your wrongs. U know u did wrong. Not too many people, even here on DC can claim this. So big Up to you.
Stop wallowing in self pity. Make peace of your life and move on. Create your peace
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 October 2011):
" ive got myself sorted out just and only for my family and Laura’s sake"
WRONG reason to get help. totally WRONG reason for seeking help and therapy. YOU need to go to therapy to FIX YOU and get help for you FOR YOU... NOT for Laura or the family.
"i will add, i wont get with anybody else again, and i will wait for her for as long as it takes, when your meant to be with somebody then your meant to be."
who says it's meant to be? Seriously... is there a desk in the sky with some guy with a green visor making notes in a book? You keep saying you are meant to be... by WHO'S decree?
do you RESPECT Laura?
how do you show her this respect?
"she has previously told me she hates me, and will never forgive me. but then a week or 2 later she can act nicer towards me and it helps me think that maybe we can make it. i wont ever be loyal to any other woman as long as i live thou. just her."
you are better off if she hates you.. at least then she has feelings. The OPPOSITE of love is not hate it's ambivalence... and when she is ambivalent about you she does not care and can easily be kind to you without feeling anything... no wonder you are confused... once she starts her healing and getting ambivalent, you are mistaking it for feelings and you feed into that and make her angry all over again.
Do you want her to be happy? Do you want Laura to be happy? Isn't that what love is about???
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A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (13 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni take it youve not read the reply i put on the other thread with the link below about why does that womans husband chat up other women??? i know im at fault. ive worked on my issues, im over my issues, ive got myself sorted out just and only for my family and lauras sake. so we can be a family unit once again.
i will add, i wont get with anybody else again, and i will wait for her for aslong as it takes, when your meant to be with somebody then your meant to be.
she has previously told me she hates me, and will never forgive me. but then a week or 2 later she can act nicer towards me and it helps me think that maybe we can make it. i wont ever be loyal to any other woman aslong as i live thou. just her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): You sure the fact she's in a nice 5 bedroom house, and your now in a poxy flat isn't the issue here?
No doubt your having to contribute cash to this lovely home too?
Thats life.
Maybe one day you'll meet somebody new who has a 6 bedroom home............but only if you can get over her rejection and heal - you really need to.
X
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 October 2011):
This is not a relationship problem. This isn't something you need to "work at and fix". Ok? Will you start to understand that soon? You're a grown man and not a little baby, I expect more from your intellect than repeating the same lie over and over believing it will be true with time. YOU are the problem. You alone screwed this up. If she was important to you you wouldn't have cheated. But you did. Now she left you.
This isn't a relationship problem, there's nothing to work on! YOU have to work on YOURSELF, alone, and straighten up your act so you will not do the same thing to the next woman you are with. You are a cheater. Own up to it. It's not her fault you are a cheater, it's not her fault you can't stay loyal, so why should SHE have to "work on it"? What's there for her to do?
You made this mess yourself, you clean it up yourself, and you get yourself back on track. That's not her job, and she owes you nothing.
And if she's the one and only for you you wouldn't be blaming this on her and calling her silly cow. You are acting like a brat, yelling and crying for the toy you deliberately threw away, and now you are angry it wont magically fly back to you just because you want it to.
You messed up. Take responsibility for your actions, you're a grown man after all. If you can't see that this is entirely your own fault you are sure to repeat your mistake.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 October 2011):
I obviously cannot know if Laura will take you back ( it does not sound probable but hey you never know ) but I can tell you something that if I were in her shoes would annnoy me no end and would strengthen my resolution to kick you out of my life no matter what : your stubborn reluctance to take responsibility for what happened and your constant attempt to minimize it, as if it's Laura 's fault for being overreactive and not yours for cheating.
Text, e-mails, picture, dating sites, is it really so bad ?. YESSS ! Dating sites ?, are you kidding !, you don't even have the excuse that you weren't looking for anything but you met somebody by chance and have been overwhelmed by a moment of powerful lust. You cold bloodedly sat down at your computer, made a profile, chatted up girls ( you did not tell THEM that Laura is the one for you, eh ? ) etc.etc. This is premeditation, it shows the intention to cheat, you say nothing was ever going to happen, and how can Laura be sure of that ? how can YOU be sure of that, maybe it did not happen just because you get caught in time ! And even IF you were not going to take this flirtations further, you DID start them, so we have Laura " the one and only " that has to feel like a dummy, laughed behind her back, lied to, humiliated... and you can't even understand how and why she is mad and hurt. Because to you it's just silly texts , a stupid little mistake, like a boy getting caught with his hands in the cookie jar... why Mommy does not understand ,it's not such a big deal if you just wanted something sweet between regular meals ?...
Uhm. If this was your defence line since the beginning, I am afraid you've dug yourself into a hole, I don't know if now eating plenty of humble pie, and showing her you realize you 've done her wrong big time, may help , maybe it's too late. But you may want to try, at least it's still better than pouting because the silly cow made - in your opinion- a big fuss about nothing !
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 October 2011):
You really are NOT seeing the big picture are you?
this was not a fight that just happened... THIS WAS A YEAR AGO AND SHE HAS NOT CHANGED HER POSITION.
if you keep this up she may have the ability to get a restraining order... you need to let it go and move on.
There is no reason you can't have a decent relationship wit your kids.. set up regular visitation and keep it. Pay your child support for them... be the best dad you can be seeing them as often as possible
Get some grief counseling to mourn properly the loss of the relationship... clearly it's over and done.
Learn from your mistakes.
IF you choose to be alone for the rest of your life that's fine.... but the whole drama queen "she's my soul mate and the only one for me can't she see that" is just not the way to go... apparently YOU are the only one that believes that... and if you would grieve and heal from this wound you could open yourself up to new people and new experiences.
Kids do not care that mommy and daddy are not together.. kids care that their parents are happy.. no matter who or what that means. but that means BOTH their parents.
Loving someone sometimes means you have to let them go.. if being happy means they are without you and you truly love her you WANT HER HAPPY even if it means she's not with you.
By saying she can only be happy with YOU, you are being selfish. Love is not selfish...
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A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (13 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionworldywise. how is leaving my woman and kids the best for everybodys sake? im now in a poxy flat on my own whilst she is in a nice 5 bed house, to add i dont wanna have to be apart from her a minute longer and being on my own for the next 30-40 years isnt my idea of fun, all down to some silly msgs.
every couple have issues, unlike her not all just give up and try to work thru them
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): Basically, in a nutshell
You had your chance and you blew it, big time.I believe its called an epic fail.
Deal with it and move on.
For everyones sake.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): A year on and she isn't budging, your no nearer getting back with her.
You met when with others and you moved on/in together. You didnt split with your first partner, be single for a while,because you were unhappy and no longer in love, you left because you met somebody else, a replacement if you like.True?
Then when with the woman of your dreams,the only one for you, the only woman you will love,she catches you flirting/chatting online. So, she recalls how you two met, when you were both with others, and her brain tells her your looking for HER replacement.That your a leopard who won't ever change his spots.
Or maybe she was just looking for an excuse to end it and you gave her one.Yes, others may think you were ideal together, but she clearly didn't, maybe she's enjoying being single for the first time in years.You don't appear to have given her a chance to miss you, your there in her face telling her she's made a huge mistake.
Withdraw, see your children,pick them up and drop them off. Give her space and yourself space.
Your first partners both probably thought they would grow old with you and her,have grandchildren etc - but that didn't happen...now you know how they probably felt when you two walked away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): I know a relationship can be dead before you actually end it. It really isn't that uncommon. And I know you don't go up to your partner and say, "I'm looking for something else." In fact, sometimes it just happens. You both did the right thing long term by ending your previous relationships.
It does happen. That's why emotional cheating is often times a bigger deal than plain old physical cheating. A one night stand is a horrible betrayal, yes. But a long standing emotional relationship is worse. The sharing of hopes and dreams is far more intimate than the sharing of sex in many cases. And emotional sharing often leads to physical intimacy. It is the building of a relationship.
It is better to be honest with your partner and give up the realtionship you're not vested in. I understand what happened between you and Laura in the past. She did the same thing, so she should understand that.
BUT that's also why she freaked out, I think. Because yes, you did that with her. You became emotionally attached to her, then the physical happened once the relationship ended. She sees you building something emotional with other women, and it will be scary for her.
And never assume "she knows she's the one I want forever." Even if you tell her with words all the time, it requires trust to believe it. If she's lost trust, she won't believe it. It takes actions to show it. That means no emotional affairs! Never assume what someone knows. People feel taken for granted and neglected even in the best of relationships. Women require reassurance (some more than others,) and in different ways.
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male
reader, tby1 +, writes (12 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncos our 1st relationships were over long before we met, just stayed together cos it was easier. it doesnt have any bearing on my situation now. she should know already that she is the only woman on this earth i want to be with be. i gave up everything i had to be with her.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 October 2011):
so you were with your x and you met with Laura and plotted how to leave your current partners so you two could be together?
and I'll be you did that without permission from your first partner...
yeah... I think we are beating a dead horse here...
Why should laura believe you won't do that to her?
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male
reader, tby1 +, writes (12 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok the answer is a no, im meaning we met up and discussed being with each other and how things would have to go for the future.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): "....no didnt really cheat on x with laura..."
did not really, or DID NOT? very big difference.
LoveGirl
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male
reader, tby1 +, writes (12 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfao lovegirl, no didnt really cheat on x with laura. we waited til we was both single really.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 October 2011):
 Well she's right, words ARE just words. Now you have to prove yourself by your actions and like everyone has been telling you, it's going to take a long time and even then there's a good chance she'll have moved on. It's up to you but since you are so sure she's the only one for you what other choice do you have? I hope you have a lot of patience.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): did you cheat on your previous partner with Laura?
LoveGirl
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male
reader, tby1 +, writes (12 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni messaged her on (my X) on fb the msg i sent the lady on the link above which i was asked to look at.
all ive got back basically is words are words. you f**ked up, its all my fault and i shouldve known better.
i wonder if she has a heart anymore, and why she just cant take a chance on me 1 last time even for our kids sake. i know i will never ever make a single mistake with her ever again should i be given it
any further input would be appreciated
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): If you really want her back then you're going to have to do a lot to prove it to her. This is not an easy road. If she refuses counceling, as you've said, then perhaps time will help.
You will need to prove faithfulness. That means no dating or chatting with other women, to show you have interest only with her. Continue work with your councelor, continue to work on yourself. Work on your communication skills. Don't flaunt your change, necessarily, but make her aware of it. You must talk since you have kids, so the first step is to move toward civility with her.
Ask how she is doing when you pick up the kids. If she acts stressed out, offer to help, don't wait for her to ask (this is a sign you actually care, you say she only calls when she needs something, well... maybe, but that's because she's hurt, too.) Be patient and kind with your words. This is not easy, it is long and hard to get back what you lost. Plan at least six months for the initial change. If in that time she is still cold and unchanged from how she is now.
She doesn't believe in the destiny thing, so don't bring that up right now. Instead tell yourself, "if it was meant to be, it will be." If not, then it won't.
Also, if you are a faithful person, say the Serenity prayer.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, teh courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." -This is one of those times. Either she will come back, or she won't. Either way, you have learned a valuable life lesson.
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male
reader, tby1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionive answered that question, tried to be honest as possible.
my counselling was basically 3or 4 sessions working out why i made those stupid mistakes., got to the bottom of it that i was insecure and always believed i wasnt attractive to myself and when i did get attention i played up to it. although it would never go further. i just wish i could make laura see this and that i really do only want her and our children
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
I'd be interested to hear how you advise this other "tb" poster: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-he-talking-to-women-online-and.html
Perhaps you can explain to her why you did it? I'd be interested to see your response to this question.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
""i know she is busy but im pretty sure she must have 1 second to reply." Of course she does. She chooses not to reply. Pay attention. She is keeping you away because you are being annoying.
You're like some emotional vampire that needs her being to feed on and live. She doesn't want that. You keep saying she's the only one for you, she's the only one who can make you happy, it's EXHAUSTING to have to be someone else's EVERYTHING. Just because you have an emotional void doesn't mean she's required to fill it. That's YOUR issue to work on, without her.
What does the counselor say about this? What have you learned about yourself in therapy? Because I'm not actually convinced you did go, or if you did, you didn't go more than once or twice. There's not a lot of personal reflection or personal growth reflected in your posts here.
What does the counselor advise you to do?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
"Why would you wanna be apart from the man you loved, struggling with 5 children and being alone?"
I can think of lots of reasons.
No drama. No man pestering you for anything, one less meal to worry about, no wondering where he is and what he might be up to.
You set your own schedule and do your own thing when and you don't have to negotiate or discuss it. The kids do what the kids do and when they are in school, your life is your own.
You don't have to look at the idiot who decided it would be fun to text other women and want to smack him upside the head because he was such a flaming loser that he threw it all away for the sake of a few laughs.
You don't have to listen to a guy whine about how you are the only one in the world for him when you know deep down inside that he is not the only one in the world for you.
You feel a lightness of spirit, a freedom, a sense of relief, like a great weight has been lifted from you.
Those are some of the reasons I could think of. I expect she has her own.
"i know she is busy but im pretty sure she must have 1 second to reply.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 October 2011):
" why would you wanna be apart from the man you loved, struggling with 5 children and being alone? "
because the man you loved CHEATED on you and LIED to you and BETRAYED your trust...
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male
reader, tby1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni asked her recentley about trying again and she replied the answer just now is a no and if that changes she will let me know.
she says she just wants to be on her on. why would you wanna be apart from the man you loved, struggling with 5 children and being alone? makes no sense, yet im just around the corner doing ok but struggling with life cos i miss my family.
i text her a long msg last night, and no reply, text her again today, and no reply. i know she is busy but im pretty sure she must have 1 second to reply.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): "i can never move on as she was the 1 woman for me. the only woman for me, never have i connnected to somebody like it."
Uhm.... if this were true, then you would not have had emotional affairs.
If someone is "the one" then she is the one. Sure, you might find another woman attractive, or whatever. But when it comes to sharing your hopes, dreams, flirting, kissing, desires, bad/good days, sickness, health, joy, fears.... you know, your emotional AND physical self, there is only ONE woman you turn to.
And if she's not there for you emotionally, then she is not "the one." But be a bigger man and don't stoop to her level. Set up counceling for yourself, (you can go to a couple's therapist alone.) It will help you move on.
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male
reader, tby1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni knew the moment i met her i hadnt been in love or been happy with the woman id met wen i was 18. we had 2 daughters and if it hadnt been for them sure we wudnt have stayed together. the moment i met laura it was like bang, what on earth is this feeling ive never experienced before and i know she felt the same. everybody said we was perfect together, and belonged, and others still cant believe were not an item. it seems such a shame that her attitude is so against trying when theres nothing to lose. i know full well i will never find another woman that i want to be with. a year or so on and i feel the same way as i did 8 years ago. life just isnt fair
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 October 2011):
"rude, ignorant and selfish towards me. she only contacts me when she wants something and makes me feel unimportant"
and yet you want her to mistreat you or else you would leave.
so do you think you deserve better?
even if she won't go to counseling with you I think you should go for yourself to determine why you won't allow yourself to move on and find a new one... because honey trust me... there is more than one match for everyone...
you say she's the only one for you but you were with someone before her that had you not met her I bet you would still be with.
I think we need to help you figure out how to move on and get whole by yourself not get her back.. SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU.
IF YOU truly loved her you would want her to be happy even if it means NOT being with you.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 October 2011):
Buddy you are beating a dead horse here. If she isn't interested in working things out, what can you do? Pay your child support and be there for your kids, be a good father and you won't be totally alone as you grow older. Grandkids are very entertaining.
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male
reader, tby1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno counselling on her part, she refused to go saying she could sort her on issues out and didnt need others to help. but reagrdless i went alone to show her i meant that i wanted to change this stupid behaviour. nothing ive done thou has gotten me anywhere. occasionally i get offered a meal round with her and the kids but its usually for something. she asks me to service her now and again if you know what i mean and to lend her money etc. i try all i can. i love her so much and have corrected the error of my ways
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
You may have decided she's the one. It sounds like she doesn't believe in "the one" thing.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
Have you been to counseling? Have you made a couples counselor appointment for you and her?
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male
reader, tby1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni can never move on as she was the 1 woman for me. the only woman for me, never have i connnected to somebody like it. when we met there was something special about it, we was drawn to each other and both knew it.
she has always maintained she was in it forever but i ruined it, so i ask of your advice on how i can begin to make amends here and get her back somehow, otherwise i will just grow old alone and miserable and regretting some stupid silly things i did, which meant absolutely nothing. if id known my behaviour would cost me my entire future and being apart from the people i love i wouldnt have done it, i saw it as harmless.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
If you apply your last paragraph to your statement that you left your first partner, it pretty well destroys your own argument. Why didn't you stick around and try to make that work?
You've decided she is the one. She's decided you are not. If you were flirting around with other girls you basically established that you didn't really think she was "the one."
Yes, emotional affairs are that bad, to some people.
Look, a woman who will move on from one guy because she's met another may well be happy to leave the next one as well.
She's not responsible for your future plans; you are.
"thanks to her ill never be able to have a long marriage and secure family like my grandparents have done etc."
You can certainly move on and meet the next woman of your dreams and marry her. If you'd stuck with your first partner, you'd be years ahead of the game.
"the people of today should be ashamed of themselves" This one is is puzzling. Based on this "its a shame that in todays society people dont want to try and sort there issues out rather than just ending them," you are part of society's problem, as you didn't stick around with your original partners and try to sort out your issues there.
It just goes to show that if you are the type who will leave a long-term partner once, you are the type who will leave a long-term partner again. She's that type. You may be the type who leaves a long-term partner once and then sticks like glue to the next one. She's established pretty clearly that she is not.
If you were so into her, why did you engage in the flirty texty affair? You weren't enough into her to stop yourself from sabotaging your relationship with her.
You knew she was capable of leaving another man, so you knew on some level she could leave you. Maybe you were looking for a way to engineer a situation where she had to demonstrate unconditional love? Only her love was conditional on your being faithful.
I go back to this, two sentences that so obviously contradict each other, yet you cling very stubbornly to your new belief. Fascinating. "we both left our long term partners to be with each other, cos it was the right thing to do.
"its a shame that in todays society people dont want to try and sort there issues out rather than just ending them."
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): SHE DOESNT TRUST YOU ANYMORE
u hurt her.
you both left your long term partners to be with each other BUT u hurt her.
u CANNOT blame her. u need to look at your own actions. she just reacted to your actions.
stop placing blame elsewhere.
LoveGirl
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male
reader, tby1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe had to leave cos we met each other. 1 set of twins there not 3 pregnancies. we both left our long term partners to be with each other, cos it was the right thing to do.
its a shame that in todays society people dont want to try and sort there issues out rather than just ending them. thanks to her ill never be able to have a long marriage and secure family like my grandparents have done etc. the people of today should be ashamed of themselves
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
It doesn't sound as though she believes in destiny in the way you do. Many people do not, it's not an unusual or unreasonable point of view. She must be more of a practical person and less of a dreamer.
The girls' father moved on because....why? He left? She threw him out? There must be a reason. She was with him long enough to be pregnant 3 times.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): so you betrayed and disrespected your partner, and now blame her for not forgiving you and letting it go just like that? you expect her to believe that you were "meant to be" when this is how you've been treating her?
you're downplaying what you did wrong. You need to man up and take responsibility and do the right thing, not be whining because you got what you deserved.
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male
reader, tby1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
tby1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe girls father was moved on once we met each other, we kept bumping into each other at the most odd venues and locations, fate brought us together, yet she denies this even thou we both know its true. no matter what i do or say to her about the past she denies everything. i called her a silly cow cos of her attitude. rude, ignorant and selfish towards me. she only contacts me when she wants something and makes me feel unimportant, yet im always there for her and would do anything at any moment she asked. its a crazy situation, we was so close and best friends. some days i wake up and hate her for forcing me to move out and break up our family. even thou ive fully changed and would never hurt her ever again, all she says is, you shouldnt have done it and so on. there has to be a way of making her see sense and give me a chance to show her the good changed ive made in my life, got a fantastic job, reasonable amount of money and totally dedicated to her and the kids. i would never hurt her again in a million years if she took that chance.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 October 2011):
I've re-read some of your previous posts. I have a suspicion that she was looking for a reason to dump you and you handed it to her by the acts you chose to engage in. She's not taking you back because she's moving on. Sounds like she's managed to move on in the past if she had 3 daughters by another man before you had your 2 sons together.
If you haven't managed to get her to counseling in a year's time, she really isn't interested in mending things.
Different women will have different tolerances for unfaithful behavior. Her standards are either really high or she was looking for a reason to kick you out.
Out of curiosity, what happened to the father of the daughters? Why did their relationship end?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 October 2011):
yeah it's in MY opinion WORSE than a physical affair.
You want to get back together with a woman you call SILLY COW??? Nice... so when you're mad at her what do you call her then.... ( I guess silly cow is a term of endearment)
She's NOT using it as an EXCUSE... she's giving YOU a REASON for why she won't get back together with you.
You emotionally cheated on her. You probably lied to her. YOU betrayed her trust and she no longer trusts you. I see her POV very clearly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): Your really expecting people to see your point are you?
Yes it is bad to do what you did, you showed no respect for your partner and still don't, you dont even say your sorry
What did you actually gain from doing what you did...feeding your ego maybe while destroying your partnership?
Well I guess we all reap what we sow in life
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): My ex did it before he met me and when we were together. guys who think it is okay to flirt with girls have no respect for the woman they are with. I feel the same about men who think it's okay to stare at other women when their gf is right there with them. It's all about respect. If you respect the woman you are with you don't do things that you know will hurt them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): Uhm... yes, it is that bad. You basically made your ex feel betrayed, used, unwanted, uninteresting, unimportant, disrespected, unloved, not sexy enough, noth worth any effort, not beautiful, not attractive, and less than all of those other women. Those women were worth your time, your words, your hopes and dreams and desires, your sexual energy.... Your ex on the other hand... she was what? Lawn furniture? A maid? Servent? Personal assistant? A nanny perhaps? Bed warmer? What?
Next, you call her a silly cow. That really shows how much respect and love her. Calling her names to a bunch of strangers? That's not nice.
Finally, yes, you are the cause of this. You are the one who went behind her back and betrayed her. You basically said to her, "I do not love you and I could care less about if I hurt you." And you are now 100% untrustworthy.
If you want her back you have a long, hard road to rebuilt that trust, prove you love her, and you won't ever do it again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): ask yourself how would YOU feel if you found out she was texting, emailing, on dating sites with other men when you weren't. Would you be totally fine with it?
"she forgets that we was meant to be and been thru so much along with our kids. "
no, YOU're the one who forgot you were 'meant to be.'
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