A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm feeling extremely maternal at the moment and it's causing problems in my relationship.I'm 28, almost 29 and I've been with my boyfriend for 11 years. We've only been living together for just under a year. I know. Things have moved slow with us.Right from when we got together, my boyfriend knew I was dead keen to have a family someday. I've always been overly clucky around children and babies, but until now, I've NEVER felt ready to make a decision like that. I wanted to spend my 20's getting to know myself, what I want for my life and making sure my relationship's solid.. got travel out of my system etc etc. I've always suppressed my maternal instincts, because I know having a baby is the biggest commitment in your life and I wanted to be sure I had children when I was totally ready.About a month ago, I started thinking about my age and thought it's probably time I start considering WHEN to have children. I went to the gyno and despite having PCOS and having tests a few years back, which weren't so hot, I went for some more hormone tests and they came back absolutely PERFECT! I told him I would consider kids in a year's time, but he said the sooner you have children, the better for you and the baby. Since it even started entering my mind a month ago, it's like a light's turned on inside me. Now I just can't stop THINKING about having children. Everytime I go biking, all I seem to see is young families, with mums my age. I feel so maternal it actually brings tears to my eyes. I just seem to see babies and children everywhere now.. and I can't stop worrying about my age and how if I want 2-3 children, I need to really start making plans now.I have a steady job and so does my boyfriend. My boyfriend is one of the most gentle natured people I've ever met. He would make a great father. Problem is, he says he's not ready yet and he's really cagey when I try to talk to him about my biological clock and the fact that it's better to have them now rather than sooner. He closes off to the idea. His mood totally changes whenever I raise the subject. He thinks that since we've moved in together we have less time to have fun than we used to have far less bringing a baby into the mix. I feel like he's looking back to how we USED to be, whereas I'm looking forward to how we COULD be. I know that, alone, the fact that I do feel some added pressure with my age is NOT a good enough reason to have children, but I believe I'm otherwise feeling this way for all the right reasons. It's NOT to keep a man in my life, it's NOT to get attention and have flash baby showers, it's NOT to get out of work.. I have a very good job. It's also NOT because "all my friends are having babies". I've watched everyone I've been to school with have kids and never let that affect my judgement in my own life. I have always been the mothery type to everyone else's kids and I've always been a good girl.. throughout my entire life. I feel I deserve and don't want to miss out on my chance to have my own. Because my boyfriend's so closed off to it. Do I risk pushing my feelings inside and just hoping that ONE day he'll be ready? Or do I leave him and make a clean break? I've never asked him for anything.. money, a house of our own, marriage. Even though I feel like me talking about it all the time sounds demanding, I don't want to ignore my needs. This urge just seems to be growing inside. I feel like I'm in such a helpless situation. I don't want to force or trick him EVER. I want him to WANT what I want.. but I don't think that's going to happen. I could gamble the next few fertile years I have on someone that may never be ready.Eagerly awaiting your advice.Thank you
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 Tell him you want kids or that's it - a dieu, and not au revoir. Curtains. Good bye.
Don't waste your life. Nice and cosy as it is with him, it is nonsense without children. All your instincts are right.
And you don't want to waste the next 5 years getting more upset, and finally leaving him, and then having to find someone else.
Tell him now. Force him into it. Once he has a kid, he will love it. He needs a shove.
Or, better still, just get pregnant, and then he won't have a choice.
I firmly believe he will be very happy as a father, but like many men, is reluctant to take the decision. So take it for him. Women have had to do this for centuries.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011):
I was in your boyfriend's situation. I never really wanted kids. Suddenly, my girlfriend decided she did. I was not 100% opposed, but I questioned her motives. The more desperate she became, the more turned off I was to the idea. Did she want me or did she want my financial security and my sperm?
The situation was not right. I agree with one of your respondents that if I was with another woman I might be married and have a child within a year. That doesn't mean I loved my girlfriend less. What it means is that I learned some valuable lessons from that relationship and I also learned some things about myself.
It sounds like this relationship will not result in children. If you are okay with that, then no issues. If you are not, then I guess you need to make an ultimatum. Be prepared if it doesn't come out like you wish. Even if it does, be prepared that he will resent you for that.
One things on your side is that you are young. Men don't really mature until about 35-40. If I were you I'd give him a few more years to grow up and stop with the comments like: "I feel so maternal it actually brings tears to my eyes." That to me as a man make me want to vomit and break up with you instantly, too. I like to feel our relationship is everything and when you say things like this it feels like I am inadequate. It makes me want to say: "Go find a guy to knock you up and leave me out of it."
Sorry, but that's how I see it as a guy.
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A
female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt  +, writes (14 November 2011):
 I know that you don't want to hear this, but here goes:
One of the theories behind the statistics showing that cohabitation tends not to lead to marriage (or, leads to marriage and then divorce) is the idea that the two people involved in the relationship may have differing goals that do not get addressed before a critical point. That is, once two people live together and decide to be together -- but do not take that commitment to a mutually-understood point -- it is easy for one or both to overlook elements that can bring a relationship to its knees in short order.
All that means for you is that you have some inner work to do.
For instance, now is the time for you to choose: if the Universe is prompting you to choose your greater desire, what is your response? Do you want the baby or the man? And what if this guy is not The Guy?
I look at this situation and it reminds me of so many long-term cohabitating couples who break up, and one or both parties end up married to other people within a year. You have summed up that this guy is gentle, kind, and would be a good father. Question is, does he see himself as a father? Does he see you as the mother of his children?
Now is the time to get the answers to your questions. Do not back down. Press the issue, and you will find out if you need to spend more time on this guy or get out while you still can.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (13 November 2011):
 There's a few issues that stand out.
-You and your boyfriend not being on the same page when it comes to children.
- Your boyfriend is moving at a snail's pace in this relationship.
Problem is you can't sway your boyfriend's about children at the moment. You can make it known what you feel about the subject but that's all you can do. If one doesn't want children at the moment, then it looks like you're not trying. A baby has to be wanted by both parties. What you can ask him is when will he be ready. Tell him to give you an estimated year of when he would like to start.
I know you can't shut off that biological time clock and it's only going to get worse as time goes on. Plus, you also know you may face a bit of trouble due to PCOS, when you start trying to conceive a baby. Depending upon if you're on the prescribed drugs to regulate your period with PCOS, more than likely it will take you longer than a year to conceive.
Not having children is a deal breaker for most women. Now it boils down to you deciding if you want to wait out a few more years to see if your boyfriend changes his mind..or do you want to let it all go and start over again with another guy? Your choice.
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A
female
reader, kate28 +, writes (13 November 2011):
I think you need to be completely honest with him and tell him that this is a deal-breaker for you and see what he says. I would give him maybe six months, and if he's not on board by then you will have to decide if you would rather be with him or have kids and act accordingly.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 November 2011):
 No you should not just try and cover up how you feel and hope your feelings die down. Off course your boyfriend has the right to his opinion and what he wants as well. But is he aware that he might actually lose you over this? He needs to know how strongly you feel about this. I know that it is probably hard talking to him about this when he does not want to hear it. But he needs to hear how strongly you feel about this. If you feel that he may never want children and that you do well then the relationship might be at a dead end for you both. It is time to sit down and talk to him about what you want and see if this relationship is going to work. Good luck.
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