A
male
age
30-35,
*Fenix
writes:My girlfriend and i have been together for a little more than a year and a half. We do everything together, We are both living at my parents house, we work together (because my family has been friends with the GM of a company, so it was a easy job) and we go to school together.She one day decided that she needed to end the relationship because we want two different things out of life and that she wants to go places and do things. And that i want a long term relationship We have had a lot of arguments latley, including one pertaining to sex. She said we were with each other all the time that she didnt have time to miss me and then, I got upset a couple days later cause she was hanging out with some guy that i've never met. I spent a half of a month away because of this. I cried and begged for her not to do it; the first day i convinced her to sleep on it and think about it then the day after she decided it couldnt happen any longer. But on the first day she cried extremly hard because she said I didnt care about how she felt cause I wouldnt let her go, but I could say the same for her. But now im back at home since thursday and the advice i've gotten from friends is go on with your life, go out after work and not to tell her where your going; when your at home, dont go to her, let her come to you. Keep conversations brief but show that you care, etc. Then today she comes home from work and saw me at the corner walking the dog. Mind we havent had a lot of talking between us except for when shes come to my room to talk (which is almost everyday, either asking me if i need a ride to work the next day which I turn down cause a 15 minute car ride would be awkward.) but she follows me and catches up and asks if she can walk with me and the dog, I say sure. After a couple of seconds she asks "So we're not friends yet?" and I told her "You have to admit its a little awkward between us" and nothing after that was said, she keeps walking with me for about 15 more seconds then she turns around to go home. I stopped and asked where she is going and she says home and that she'll see me there. I didnt try to chase her or anything, I just continued.I feel like if I stick to my current position that I could win her back, I mean why else come to talk to me so often if she didnt miss me. I have talked to her father and he also told me that she had told him that she missed me. We didnt text since October 28th, and still havent, even while I was away. I know that sounds weird, texting and living in the same house but it happens. I do realise that if I am to win her back, I have to become her friend again, but If I keep making her come to me if she wants to talk Imma have to ease up a little at a time with the deflecting of a long conversation (or maybe im doing it wrong). But its obvious she misses me actually being around, she just doesnt let it show when she can. I was also told to make myself available but not all the time, like if she wants to practice guitars together or watch a dvd together to tell her im busy with something else.This may seem like nothing to some people but we basically have supported ourselves together this entire time, besides my parents providing a home we pay the electric, car insurance, health insurance, groceries, etc.I feel like this could have been fixed with a break and not a break-up. I really miss her and it sucks I cant show it. Maybe someone else has been in this situation and can help me out.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 November 2011):
 you are responding in all the nicest most empathic ways.
Most people would be able to see that.
And nothing you have written here has suggested that you have done anything abusive. Quite the opposite,
So I asked myself why would she not respond with empathy when all she gets is kindess and understanding?
Perhaps there are other bigger issues simmering that make her this way?
I can only surmise, in the face of her not responding (or at least her explaining) why she cannot respond appropriately.
Most girls would treasure a guy who treated them so well.
So that is why I wondered what other challenges result in her reactions that seem not to suit how nice and understanding you are being to her.
Regards
Abella
A
male
reader, NFenix +, writes (14 November 2011):
NFenix is verified as being by the original poster of the question"She clearly means a great deal to you. That you are making such a huge effort. And she is getting you to jump through hoops. Sounds like there are some big issues simmering here.
Hang in there, even if she is not coming to the party yet with responses that reflect her recognition of how much you care,"
What comment of mine are you refering to with this comment.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 November 2011):
hi
She clearly means a great deal to you. That you are making such a huge effort. And she is getting you to jump through hoops. Sounds like there are some big issues simmering here.
Hang in there, even if she is not coming to the party yet with responses that reflect her recognition of how much you care,
Regards,
Abella
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A
male
reader, NFenix +, writes (14 November 2011):
NFenix is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Just show her respectfully by your actions that you still need her."When we broke up and I told her I needed her it didnt go so well, so how do I go about doing this without pushing her away.I accepted the ride home and she was very friendly after I told her I would. She physically touched me and at one point, (im assuming) mistakenly called me Honey. " If you see a way to give her a genuine compliment re something non-sexual then do it. So 'gee your tits look good in that' is OUT But 'wow, that was a really well written essay, can I read the next one you write' said with a smile, is IN. "I never did that and I never would (For the first example)But I have always tried to be respectful."Work gently with her to help her regain her trust and confidence. She is hurting right now and needs a friend with empathy." I dont understand, I mean, she has nothing to hurt over. I do though, and my only support system is this site, and a couple of friends I had to chase down to get advice."you are in the best position to gallantly demonstrate that you are that genuine friend with empathy. And that you not find a finer more faithful friend than her."How do I do this? I mean I try so hard as it is."But don't push her sexually."That would be awkward seeing we dont go out anymore. lol."I think some very subtle supportive actions by you will slowly show her that she is already living with the ideal guy.She needs to feel that she can still achieve what she wants in life and will not be stifled and be too restricted even before she has hardly learnt about life.Delight and surprise her."I tried this when we were going out, she is not the usual girl, she doesnt like to be held while crying, making suggestions to her problems arent the best idea, etc. But she knows I've always tried to make her happy in times of sadness. So in your terms, how would I do this? and delight and surprise her?
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A
male
reader, NFenix +, writes (13 November 2011):
NFenix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbella, i think thats what i was looking for this entire time. Im gonna look out for myself and slowly insert your plan. i know you dont know the details but that seems like great general advice.
i mean doing what i said above sounds ok, right?
i feel like changing.my attitude suddenly and folliowing your plan will lock me into friend zone. and shell lose respect for me.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 November 2011):
i think there is still a lot of hope still here. From her point of view she still has some affection for you.
So on that basis I would suggest that she might enjoy what look like some 'accidental' opportunities to have a chance to share some 'platonic friend' opportunities with her.
At the same time please try everything to be gallant and respectful.
I think she was feeling rushed and overwhelmed and worried that she had not lived enough. She may think deep down that you are the 'ONE' but she is worried that she does not yet know enough about life and people.
Is there any place you have ever wanted to visit? Get a travel DVD about the place. Mention that you would love one day to visit 'x' place - ask her if she would mind if you put on the DVD to learn more about the place - choose somewhere far away and interesting. Allow her to see a more adventurous side of you. Ask her if she would like to watch it with you. Allow it to spark a discussion on where she would like to travel. It will allow her hope that you do have adventurous bones in your body. Perhaps she thinks she is the only venturous one.
In her own way she is making little efforts to reach out to you.
Next time she offers you a ride in the car please accept it.
If you keep being distant and uninvolved as your friends suggest then I think you will push her away.
Rebuild the friendship. Consult with her respectfully as a friend. Next time, the night before you are shopping together for groceries think about something you could cook together where two people working together would be better than one, work it into conversation or find a suitable recipe. Say, could we try this? I don't want to try it alone.
Then add in the ingredients you need and try cooking it together at the weekend.
Find ways to build adventurous non-sexual friendship only platonic activities into your time together to help start putting the friendship back together.
If you see a way to give her a genuine compliment re something non-sexual then do it. So 'gee your tits look good in that' is OUT
But 'wow, that was a really well written essay, can I read the next one you write' said with a smile, is IN.
If she loves guitar go outside the square and get her some Segovia examples of guitar playing that may amaze her if she has never heard the guitar work of Segovia.
Work gently with her to help her regain her trust and confidence. She is hurting right now and needs a friend with empathy.
you are in the best position to gallantly demonstrate that you are that genuine friend with empathy. And that you not find a finer more faithful friend than her.
And yes it will take time. And mean that you need to do it respectfully. So your friend's idea to not keep her informed and just go out on the town and not tell her is OUT as it is not respectful.
Your girl still cares. She just needs to be allowed a little more space. Treat her as she wants to be treated and I think long enough as her platonic friend (but you looking hot and cute at all times - smelling and sounding and looking good - yet NOT seeking out other female company) will slowly slowly reel her back in.
No impatience on your part.
Just show her respectfully by your actions that you still need her.
But don't push her sexually.
You have her in your living space. She is tantalizingly close.
I think some very subtle supportive actions by you will slowly show her that she is already living with the ideal guy.
She needs to feel that she can still achieve what she wants in life and will not be stifled and be too restricted even before she has hardly learnt about life.
Delight and surprise her.
Involve her. But keep it low key and respectful at all times.
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A
male
reader, NFenix +, writes (13 November 2011):
NFenix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfor that to happen either of us would have to drop out of school and work double what we are working now. thats gonna have to be something i.look into.
I know its not good enough but what im doing right now is all I got. Im sticking to my things, ive developed a routine where i walk the dog (which is hers, but he is close to me) every night and i go home and stay in my room watching movies, working on my computer, etc. im not moping around or showing any signs of sadness. another thing is when i was away for half a month she told my parents she would move out so i could come home, but we both know she has no where to go. My friend suggested just like kate did to tell her next time it comes up to just say Its gonna be difficult because i want to be more than friends. I welcome and suggestions or advice because i just really need help.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 November 2011):
 as you said yourself she said if you were not living together you would probably still be together, yet you are still living with her, does that not tell you something? She is working so am sure she could rent out a room somewhere, you just don't want to let her go but you both need space to yourselves to sort your heads out. Living together is not the solution for this. You need some space apart from each other.
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A
male
reader, NFenix +, writes (13 November 2011):
NFenix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionher moving out isnt an option. she has no where to go.
i agree with kate, but all the advice was given to me not her. ever since she asked the friendship question and got my response she kinda ignores me. i leave every morning extremely early so i can get to work so i dont have to sit in the car with her. and like she said if we werent living together we'd still be together. thays why i feel like there is a chance. And questioning her about a relationship is too early.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (13 November 2011):
Coming straight out a relationship and trying to be friends never works. Especially as you are wanting more than friendship you need to tell her that. Maybe she should try and find somewhere else to live so that you both have the space that you need. Doing everything together is just not healthy and that is probably why she feels the relationship is not working. You two where suffocating each other. It is probably best she moves out and finds her own accommodation.
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A
male
reader, NFenix +, writes (13 November 2011):
NFenix is verified as being by the original poster of the questiononly thing she expressed was being friends. its awkward atleast for me. So talking about it, i feel, would push her away.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (13 November 2011):
It can not be healthy for the both of you to be still living under the same roof if you are no longer together. It is clear she needed some space to decide what she wants. But to me it sounds like she just no longer wants to be in a serious relationship. My guess is she does still love you and off course she is going to miss you, but she is still young and she doesn't want to settle down she wants to travel a bit and live her life a bit while she is still young. Am afraid if her mind is set on this then you are not going to win her back no matter how hard you try. You both really need to sit down and talk about things. Ask her what it is she wants to do in her life, maybe you could both go travelling together. Maybe come to some sort of arrangement. Stop playing the games and just sit down with her and talk. You cannot keep living together if she has no intention of working on the both of you getting back together then you both need to talk about the living arrangements. Either you work on the relationship or you both go your separate ways.
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A
female
reader, kate28 +, writes (13 November 2011):
It sounds like she just wants some space. The best thing you can do is give that to her and follow the advice your friends have given her. Maybe she will decide to come back, maybe she won't. Give her her space and take some space for yourself. If one of her complaints was that you were too available, then don't be too available. Develop some interests of your own apart from her, you will probably enjoy it, it will help you not feel so bad, might possibly get her back, and if you do get back together might help prevent the same thing from happening again.
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A
male
reader, NFenix +, writes (13 November 2011):
NFenix is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso something noteworthy is that she admitted that if we didnt live together the relationship would still be going on.
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