A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, just wondering if any of you out there are in loving relationships with a partner who has an eating disorder and what are your experiences and sacrifices over a “normal” relationship?I am in a 6 month old relationship with a woman with anorexia nervosa, she has also self harmed a few times. But despite all of that I dearly love her and she is trying very hard to recover. She has had it so long (16 years) thats its unlikley to think she will ever fully recover.She has pushed me away a couple of times in the past because she couldnt cope with hurting me and her body image etc... It really hurt her and me, but were back together now, she says she is over that now and she can see I am serious about her because I never left her during these times. Anyone else would have run a mile at that point.Theres no sex in our relationship but really that makes no difference to me, I would never pressure her on that front and she has told me she is not ready for that yet which I totally understand and respect. I think if it does ever happen then it will be a special and emotional time for her and me.I liked her a lot from the first day I saw her, theres something about this woman which I have never felt in any other relationship (and I have had quite a few in the past), this is her first real relationship and I know she is scared.She does show me in many ways her love for me, she says she does love me, always writing me lovely letters and cards, she says she never dreamt she would ever meet anyone as kind, thoughtful and caring to her as me.I am very aware she may still be infatuated with me, I admit I was to her in the first few months but when I returned back to earth I still love this woman for who she is, I have never judged her and never will, I can see past her illness although I dont have my head buried in the sand, I know its there and have taken the time to educate myself on ED's and self harm.I would like to propose to her, but do realise I should wait for her to become ready for an engagement.We have talked about our future, her mum is trying hard to get us married off, but I am not letting that persuade me, at the end of the day its my and my girlfriends choice no one elses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi MrBrightside,I forgot to add, I hope it works out for you and your girlfriend too. That was one of the hardest points for me was finding out I could not help her and just had to watch from the “sideline”. Eating Disorders can be very frustrating.Good luck for your future!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi MrBrightside,Thank you for your honest and open reply. I can understand exactly what your saying and I think only someone in our situation would truly understand that.We have had many talks since she pushed me away, she says she over that now and can finally accept that I am serious about her, and that she realises that she has to make her commitment to me. I will admit the first time it happened I did wonder if it was some sort of test to see if I would run a mile or stay, but now I realise that was not the case. A lot of the pushing away was because she was preparing herself for me leaving her because she didnt think I could cope with this as most of her friends could not and moved away.Also part of her pushing me away was her own concerns that she can not give me what she thinks I want out of a relationship at this time. We have discussed all of these issues which has helped her to see that I would never pressure her for anything she was not ready for, even if she was never ready.As a part of her commitment is trying to recover from this awful illness and I know how hard this for her, at least for now she says she can’t easily self harm anymore because of the thought that it is hurting me is stopping her.I have really faced my reality and fears over this relationship and thought long and hard of the worst case where she may not get better and stay being tube fed until the end, but despite all of those thoughts I do truly want to spend the rest of my life with this woman and be there for her, give her my love, respect and affection.I don’t pity this woman but I truly love her and despite all her problems there is so much more to her than I could have ever dreamt I would find in a companion. She is my best friend as well as my girlfriend, we have a great bond and emotional connection which is what makes this relationship different from any before.I do intend on proposing to her, but want to wait until she is out of hospital because I want her to remember that day with fond memories not hospitals. From our talks about our future together she does understand my reasons for waiting and agrees, but says she just wishes it was all official.Thanks for your kind wishes.
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male
reader, MrBrightside90  +, writes (3 April 2010):
I understand that my reply to this question is somewhat late,
But I can relate with very much what you are saying.
No let me start of that I am somewhat younger, but I was in a relationship with a girl who was dealing with anorexia for a year. We have been broken up for a few months (she pushed me away, just like in your story) and now, we are what I would say is 'back together.'
I love this girl very much, but I really dont know what to do anymore, In the few months that we have been appart she was doing very bad and had alot of problems, but at the end of the day I cant help her, and I never will be able to.
This hurts so much, and I constantly thin about her and feel powerless.
Although I must add, when we were broken up, after initial sorrow I did feel much better. I felt like a happier man, I just did not have to deal with all that stuff anymore, and I hate myself for putting it like that. But that is how I felt.
You are a great guy for staying with her that long, but be honest with yourself, is this what you want for the rest of your life ? If you say yes, I wish you the best of luck, because you are thruly doing something amazing, that most poeple couldn't handle. If you say no, that is completly understandable.
Oh and by the way, the lack of sexuality was very frustrating for me, especially after a while. I was never mad at her for not being ready for sex yet, but still I was somewhat frustrated at times.
Best of luck,
MrBrightside
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you once again for your reply "Auntie E" I appreciate it. I will take on board what you say.
I know for her to get to a point where she can at least cope with her ED will take a long time, but I am also aware that may never happen no matter how hard she tries.
Its not easy for any ED sufferer as it is not just about gaining weight.
Despite all of her problems I love this woman with all my heart and I am prepared to wait for her how ever long that takes.
It is hard at times,
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female
reader, Auntie E  +, writes (10 March 2010):
 Bless you! I hear you when you say you don't have your head in the clouds but please proceed with caution. You sound like such a wonder man I would hate to see you get hurt or waste precious time. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi "Auntie E" thank you for your answer, really appreciated.
I feel what your saying and from an outside point it does look like I am trying to rescue her.
I am only too well aware her ED most of the time runs our relationship, and yes I am prepared to take that on for the rest of my life.
I don’t feel any need to rescue her, she has a specialist care team to try and do that. However I do fully support her and listen to her when she needs to talk and that’s my only role in her ED recovery, I am not her carer and she doesn’t want me to be.
I could take a degree on the subject of ED's I have learnt so much about them, mainly for my own information.
I have thought long and hard about this relationship and its worst case scenarios and weather I could cope with that in the future. My girlfriend has been open and honest with me about her ED from before we first met (we met through online dating), I had the choice to let it go way back then.
This is the only relationship in my life I have not really gone into with my head in the clouds.
There is just something about her as a person. I often hear guys say "you just know the one when she comes along" and I am learning what they mean by that. It's a weird thing, I cant explain it.
I have had long term relationships and short relationships in the past, some ended as friends some ended badly but never in my life have I felt like this over a woman.
I know time may change my mind I don’t know, but right now I have no doubts and would like to keep this relationship.
I know 6 months is a *very* short time in a lifetime to get to know anyone even if she didnt have an ED.
Sure I can see her mum’s reasons but I am not letting that make my decision and I have told my girlfriend not to be influenced by her mum. I certainly don’t plan to ask her to marry me just to please her mother; I am not that naive that has to be for the right reasons.
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female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (9 March 2010):
Question: What is going on with you that you need to "rescue" this horibly wounded little bird? Are you prepared to take care of her for the rest of your life? Marriage to this woman will be a disaster. I know it feels good right now to be sooooo needed and appreciated by her. This will grow old very soon. Her illness will be the center of your relationship. Why do you think her mum in such a hurry to get you married off? Yeah - that's right - she wants to put the onus on you. She is tired of taking care of her daughter. Think man!
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