A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I think I have some intimacy issues. I love my boyfriend very much, I am extremely attracted to him and we have sex on a regular basis (1-2 times a day).The only thing is, when we have sex I am never able to think about him or what is happening at that moment. In my head I always make up some guy or some scenario and think about that. I just find it impossible to think about actually being intimate with my boyfriend even though I love him and I am SO attracted to him!Also when I was younger and masturbated, I never thought about anyone I knew.. I always fantasied about random people. Not sure if they are related events or not.As a kid, I was sexually abused by a close relative and I am wondering if this has anything to do with it?I want to be able to think about my boyfriend! How can I move past this? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): Normal response to being sexually abused. Extremely common after effect.
The only way to go is with professional counseling and you must talk about the abuse...which is hard to do, painful, and you really will have to work hard at this.
Sorry.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for the help.
You really broke it down for me Ashley, and I appreciate that.
I am going to look into seeing a professional, I am just not sure if I will be able to open up about it. I was seeing someone a year or so back about depression, and I always wanted to talk about this but I could never bring it up.
I hate how he is able to forget about what happened, and move on so easily with his life... I am left to dwell on this, every single day probably for the rest of my life.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 AS long as you don't yell out one of your ex's names... or the name of your favorite movie/music star... you're home free....
Once, I had a G/F who had trouble remembering my name, so I taped a piece of cardboard on the ceiling over my bed that said: "HIS NAME IS (my name)".... That worked for us. See if your B/F will do the same....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Claraw1 +, writes (6 September 2011):
 I was sexually abused by a close relative when I was a child also, and for a long time before I got through counseling, I did the same thing that you describe. It is a safety mechanism that a lot of people who have been abused develop and unfortunately it tends to stay with you, even when you are in a loving relationship. It took a long time and some great counseling for me to retrain myself to stay in the moment, and not to zone out during sex, but it can be done. If you would like to talk more about this, please let me know.
Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, Ashley0112358  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 To start with I would like to say, I'm extremely sorry you are in the situation you are in, it must be extremely frustrating.
"As a kid, I was sexually abused by a close relative and I am wondering if this has anything to do with it?"
I think this may indeed have something to do with it, it may be that you are unable to picture anyone you know, as someone you once knew and trusted abused you. In your mind you may be afraid of thinking of someone real, as only real people can hurt you, imagined people cant.
"Also when I was younger and masturbated, I never thought about anyone I knew.. I always fantasied about random people. Not sure if they are related events or not."
This may not be related, i think that most people when younger, and non committed, thought about many random people whilst masturbated. I think this is because at that time we had not yet decide who we wanted to be with, we were still figuring out what we though was sexy.
"The only thing is, when we have sex I am never able to think about him or what is happening at that moment. In my head I always make up some guy or some scenario and think about that. I just find it impossible to think about actually being intimate with my boyfriend even though I love him and I am SO attracted to him!"
I may not be correct in this, but i believe there was a scientific study, that confirmed that women think of other men during sex, more often than men think of other women during sex.
Maybe, you need to concentrate real hard, and keep your eyes open, stare into your partners eyes as you are intimate, and try to form a connection that way.
I hope i do not offend when i say this, but have you ever thought you may enjoy involving another person in your love life, as you may be longing for your boyfriend and another guy. This is just a thought and i do not intend to offend you, or insinuate that you have a particular desire to involve someone else in your sex life.
I think your best course of action would be to talk to a therapist (sexual or mental health) or doctor, as they will be able to give you better answers as this seems like a physcological issue. Once again i am not meaning to offend or imply you have mental health issues, merely saying that these people are best trained to understand the brain.
If you feel you can, you could always talk to you boyfriend about the issue, or you could always keep a chatter going between you both during sex.
Looking into his eyes, at his face, and talking to him during sex may help you think about only him, as your 2 main senses are being concentrated on him.
If all else fails or you feel you cannot talk to a doctor or your boyfriend about the issue, you could always turn the situation upside down, turn it to your favour, maybe you could try roleplay with your boyfriend, and both play the role of 2 fictional characters, and eventually your mind may associate the fictional character he is playing as him. Therefore in a round about way, you are thinking of your boyfriend.
My girlfriend often thinks of me as a persona called glynn, he is essentially me, obviously he looks like me, and acts and feels like me, yet during sex he is easier for my girlfriend to think about. I think this may be due to an overload of senses.
If sex is considered a drug (because it releases endorphines and other feel good chemicals) much like alcohol (being a drug i mean), think about how hard it is to clearly focus on something, or imagine a detailed picture whilst drunk. When drunk you will often only make out the bare outline, no details.
If any of this needs anymore explaining let me know, i understand its a little confusing because i have worded it oddly, and used silly examples.
Good luck, here to help if you want to ask any further questions.
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