A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,So, my bf of a year or so and I live together in a two br two bath, I have my own room/bath... (long story). So, we recently had a huge fight and I pulled all of my things out of his bathroom. We've had a problem in the past where he was being a bit sneaky and inappropriate with his ex gf. It's gotten so much better, but at the time I was being a bit sneaky as well. I went onto his computer and tried to find recent communications between them because he had hidden something from me and I wouldn't have found out otherwise. I apologized for snooping and we made up. So, months past and things started getting a little sneaky for him again, I went back into his room while talking to my friend on the phone and was glancing into his closet (where he keeps some of her old letters/presents) and didn't go on his computer, but he had a video recorder on. he never told me, but while we were looking at pictures together, i saw them and asked him what they were. He said he wanted to make sure I wasn't snooping anymore. I (being a bitchy girl) asked him if he had something to hide... I'm not proud of that comment. So, we both realized we can't trust each other, we've been trying to get over that, but after our latest fight i got all my stuff from his room and vice versa. We've supposedly made up, but now it's a bit weird. He had a recent email convo with his ex and didn't make much of it, except i know it was a few pages long. I went into his bathroom to get a bottle of lotion out that we had forgotten and realized that his 'on' light for his camera on his computer was on. He's trying to catch me snooping again. He had it turned off at one point, even though it was on, but I think he forgot to do that this time. I'm just really upset, because he makes such a big deal of me not trusting him and saying he trusts me, but obviously he doesn't. Now, since I've been guilty in the past, I feel it's just wrong to call him out, but I don't know if I should confront him or not. Please help, should i tell him I know he's trying to catch me, or just ignore it?
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (7 September 2011):
Your relationship has a problem with trust, and trustworthiness. Neither of you really sound trustworthy based on your past and recent behaviour, and neither of you are trusting of the other. The relationship will fail under these conditions. The way to change these conditions is to talk about all of it. Talk about the reasons you don't trust him and that he doesn't trust you, as well as the reasons you aren't or haven't been trustworthy and the reasons he isn't or hasn't been trustworthy. If you can both learn how to communicate properly with one another, you can move your relationship out of its focus on the past mistakes and injustices, and into the present with a clean slate.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): The answer is simple, really. Just stop snooping. If you can't trust him, break up. It's been a year and if you can't trust each other at this point, the outcome won't be good. It's very normal to be unsure in the beginning, but each time you snoop now, after a year, your question should be why are you still there wasting your time.
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