A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,My ex and I fell in love at first sight - or at least in lust! After two weeks we started going out with each other and it was wonderful. I worked seasonly and had to go back to tour guiding in Spring. He was upset about this but wee said we would stay together. After about a month we were missing each other so much that I decided to take a chance and quit my job and go back to be with my boyfriend. I had never had a boyfriend before. I was 28 then. Things were fine. I found a job and everything was perfect.The bad thing was that my boyfriend and his friends like to smoke marijuana regularly. We were living in Holland so at first I thought it was ok - he was ust being a tourist and trying it out but then I began to realise that it was a regular thing. It definitely had an impact on our life together. He would lay in bed for hours at the weekends when I wanted to get up and do things together. I went on a business trip and he was too stoned to meet me at the station late at night so I had to walk home alone when I got back. Small things like that began to make me unhappy. I told him I was unhappy but he didn't change. Eventually I said I was leaving Holland. I thought I could convince him to leave also and I hoped that then, away from Holland and his friends there, he might change and leave behind his old habits. I moved home but we stayed together. We saw each other every few months. When he came to visit me I knew he had withdrawal symptoms - he sweated at night, he was short-tempered. I visited him and I realised he was also using other drugs. This made me so sad and angry - he was spending money on drugs instead of visiting me or investing in our future.So we struggled on anyway for two years long-distance. Between August and December 2009 I felt things were falling apart. I started a post-grad at university so I had little available funds to visit him so it had to be him that made the effort to visit me. He didn't and wee fought on the phone. I was angry because I was sure he was spending money going out, drinking and worse etc instead of booking flights to see me. I suppose I understand he needed a life too and we had no plan to be together properly so he ws just investing in his life in Holland. Anyway around December it was terrible. I told him I felt it was falling apart and we really needed to talk and make an effort. Then I couldn't reach him one weekend. I sent him an email and said from now on it was completely up to him and that I wasn't going to make an effort any more, if he wanted me he had to show me this. He called once afterwards and it was fine. Neither of us sent the other Christmas cards or gifts. He called me on Christmas day. I said I loved him. He replied back but I feel it was sympathetic. He said he would call the next day. He never did. On New year's morning well after midnight he called. He said he loved me. I just said thank you. Then I didn't hear from him. I called him on 6th January and he told me he had slept with someone else and he needed a break. He said it was after our phonecall on New Year's after I had been so cold. I wanted to visit him immediately but he said no. He said he needed time to think. He said it was a one-night stand but it wasn't. I found out that immediately afterwards he started a relationship with this girl.That was 4 months ago. He called me this week to say he misses me. I miss him too. I love him still. I don't know what to do. (If we get back together it won't be long-distance again. We will have to live in the same place.) What do I do?
View related questions:
a break, christmas, drugs, fell in love, get back together, money, never had a boyfriend, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks so much for all the advice!!! you've all really helped make me feel empowered!!! X
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 May 2010):
This man is a lying cheat. He hasn't suddenly changed in 4 months. He's still the same lying cheat, and he will treat you the same way as before. He will still use drugs, and he will never ever put your first. That is who is he. He is a drug addicted, lying cheat. You're a smart woman. Take away the rose tinted glasses and look at him for what he is. This is a man who hurt you, who used you, who embarrassed you, who lied to you. who betrayed you, who was short tempered with you. And I'll be the only real reason he wants you back is because you'll be living together and he'll have a roof over his head. I know you love him, but stop and think. If you take him back, I guarantee that he will hurt you again.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): Do nothing. He is a simple druggie, they never change their spots. He cheated on you, spent money on drugs, while you were faithful. You deserve someone better, and he doesnt really love you. Find someone who does.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 May 2010):
 You part ways . You are much more sensible,focused and disciplined and you are working on making a bright future for yourself,while your ex is content to drift through life seeking sensations and cheap thrills.Life is not about smoking dope, and maintaining a love story with marijuana when you are an adult says a lot about his immaturity and unreliabilty.
...............................
A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (9 May 2010):
Well it is kinda obvious to me?
You are intelligent, loyal, talented, proactive, keen on a career, prepared to give so much of yourself? I bet you are fit and good looking as well?
I am right so far that is how sure I am!
Well then give up onthis loser and get yourself a proper b/f or partnner that is worthy of you. You are not a bloody charity case so don't act like one. This man will never get anywhere in his life as long as others always put out a saftey net.
You may find it hard to realise that you can do anything you ant and probabaly have anyone you wa nt that is 'you'!
It is not you spending life waiting for a loser to call and upset amd abuse you agin when they sober up. It is Sunday - call a friend better still a male friend and tell him you want to go out today. Go and have a few drinke and see if he tells it any different than I have?
If I was your Mum and Dad I would be furious with you for letting life pass you by, YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO MOVE ON TODAY?
...............................
A
female
reader, bigsister83  +, writes (9 May 2010):
You have invested a lot of time, energy, money, emotion and thought into this relationship. Understandably, that makes it difficult to let go. That's exactly what you need to do though. You are putting all kinds of valuable investment into a rapidly decaying relationship. You are ultimately wasting your time. It might help to check out an Al-anon meeting and listen to other people in relationships with addicts. If that's not the life you want for yourself, make the tough choice and find someone who is actually going to invest as much into your relationship as you are.
...............................
|
