A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,Hoping for some advice.I've been with my partner for two years. We met in London, my home town, and live there together. I'm 35 and he's 33.This Christmas, we planned what was supposed to be a 'holiday of a lifetime' to Mexico City. This is his home town, and he wanted me to see it and meet his family. Sadly I really did not like it at all. I am quite an adaptable person, and give everything a chance, but I spent pretty much all the 3 weeks feeling sick, being sick or gasping for breath from the altitude. I spent Christmas Day lying in bed. Added to that, I did not like the taste of most of the food, the traffic, the pollution, the bad water. Seeing children on the street and animals being abused, armed police...I was upset by these things. I am not used to them and I can't imagine ever getting used to them. There were things that were lovely, but mostly I felt threatened ( I am very fair-skinned and 'obvious'). I am aware that saying all this makes me sound bad, almost racist. But he told me last night that he wanted me to come and live here. I don't want to - I would probably not mind living somewhere closer to the coast but this City is not for me. I don't want to leave my family and I could not work here, I would be totally dependent on him.He is really upset now, saying he misses his family and friends and wants to come back (no mention of this two years ago). I feel I ruined his Christmas by not getting used to things right away and getting sick, and he knows I was not happy. It seems the 'dream trip' has backfired badly and I'm heartbroken.
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (8 January 2013):
 Well from the way you describe it I don't think I'd want to live there but hey that's just me.
If you really don't want to live there then don't. You do have a choice. However, if he won't budge then you will have no choice but to leave him.
London to Mexico City is very different than say moving from London to (some parts) of the USA. I couldn't handle that change myself so I wouldn't beat yourself up about it.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 January 2013):
 I have to disagree with you ,Honeypie- and to semi-hijack the thread for a sec, thanks OP. HOME is not necessarily the place were you are born, home is anywhere where your heart is. Where you make good friends, where the pace of life suits you, where you meet kindred spirits, where you feel your soul finds nourishment.
I made your trip- the other way . 16 years in the States . Now I'm back "home" ( ?) , it's not bad, I don't complain, in fact I am lucky that I am living in one of the most beautiful cities in Europe...but , if I think that they have eaten their Thanksgiving turkeys and waited for the ball to drop in Times Square and started the sales at Bloomingdale's without me - sigh- I feel a tug at my heart :)
The fact is, that with places is like with men, maybe some times it's love at first sight , but most of the times is not, you've got to give them a chance , to see if you can get along, once you know each other better. Same as you might make a big mistake by refusing a date with a man just because he wear glasses or has a beard, and your ideal man is clean shaven with no glasses...maybe our OP ( back to the thread ) is a bit rush deciding that she CAN'T live there just because she got Montezuma's revenge like all tourists, or because the police is armed ( again,like in the rest of the world :). I am just saying, if one has got an excellent reason - i.e. a great bf, or fiancee'- to give it a try , then MAYBE she should give it an honest, serious, informed, in depth try , without stopping at the appearence of things.
Of course that she is not a bad person for not wanting to go to Mexico ! I too, even considering myself a citizen of the world, have places where I would not want to live, because the culture, landscape, lifestyle etc. does not appeal to me. I don't know- China, to name one. Then again, if I 'd find the perfect mate whom I could be happy with, in a Chinese man, - I think I'd give it a try. Where you live is important, but with WHOM you live is a bit more important...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 January 2013):
 I moved to the US to be with my husband, and not a day goes by where I don't miss Europe - I would honestly settle for ANY European country over the US, but for now, this is where my family is, so this is where I am.
I think what you experienced was a total culture shock. You might think you are very adaptable (so did I) but reality is most of us like to travel, to see new places but.. HOME is HOME.
Personally, I would not want to live in MC either. It's just not for me. There are MANY places I have seen all over there world that makes me go, yea.. so not for me. And I think that is OK.
I lived in London and would go back in a heartbeat - though I would not want to raise my kids in London, more some place in the outskirts.
Is MC the ONLY place he wants to live? If so, I think you two are having reached an impasse.
And I think he is being quite unfair if he expects you to be OK with being 100% financially dependent on HIM in HIS country.
I gave up so many "things" that defined ME, to be with my husband. And that is not for everyone. Do I have regrets? Not really, though I am homesick, even after 16 years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): Mexico City is one of the most dangerous cities in the world. Where I used to work we were told not to send unaccompanied women there on business as it was not safe and staff had gone missing.
I am sure certain areas are very lovely but Mexico City is not for everyone. I would think it would be tough for a fair skinned young London girl. I was your age when I first went and I hated it. I was not fluent in Spanish and felt extremely uncomfortable. I would not for one minute consider relocating there unless it is a different town or a coastal tourist area.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): To me the reasons why you don't like it there are irrelevant. The fact is you were not comfortable there and can't see yourself living there, whereas your boyfriend wants to. This can happen with any couple who are from different places and doesn't make you a bad person. It just means that you may not be compatible long term unfortunately. Speak to him to find out if you can reach some sort of compromise?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): I have to say I think many others on here are being very unfair. When I went to Egypt I was a bit freaked out by the armed police, and I was so saddened by the poverty I saw in the Dominican Republic that I didn't enjoy my trip there at all. You can't help that you didn't like it, it's just how you feel. Just in the same way there are probably places in the UK you don't like and wouldn't move to. You have the right to live somewhere you feel safe and happy, but unfortunately so does your boyfriend. I agree that maybe somewhere near to Mexico City might be a good option, but if neither of you are willing to budge at all then I'm afraid ending it is your only option. Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 January 2013):
Erm, not to be bitchy , just for the record :
there are about 200 nations in the world , and ALL national police corps are armed, with the exception of UK , Ireland , Norway , maybe a couple more in the whole world. ( And in UK you have AFOs anyway, don't you ? )
That means that in the world only 2,5% of police are NOT armed, and, well, marvelling at the armed police in Mexico isn't a bit like marvelling that they don't eat Marmite regularly in every foreign country ?...
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (7 January 2013):
 OP I can sort of understand. The first time I went to Mexico, I was actually a bit scared of Mexico City. All I saw was the slums on the coach ride to Oaxaca - oh, and the armed police.
The second time, I spent several days in Mexico City and walked around quite a bit. It is high altitude and it takes a few days to get used to that. I found a beautiful area called Cuernacava. I would live there in a heartbeat!
Regarding getting sick, well most people do get Montezuma's Revenge. I escaped it last time, not sure how. I also don't like Mexican food much, but there's always compromise, always things that are bit more palatable to our different taste buds. And I'm sure you'd get used to the food.
An advantage of Mexico is that it's quite a big country, with different states having different climates and altitudes. There are some lovely towns like San Cristobal, Oaxaca, Merida. Maybe try visiting some of these on your next visit? Think about whether or not you could see yourself living in one of those cities instead? It would be a compromise. They are short internal flights, or long coach rides, from Mexico City.
Personally I don't think you have to feel any more vulnerable in Mexico than in London. I travelled around Mexico for 3 weeks on my own on my most recent visit, acted sensibly, and felt absolutely fine. Safer than if I was travelling around Peckham or Brixton!
You probably could work out there, even if at first it was something like teaching English. You'd have to sort out visas etc, but it's not impossible. My brother lives and works out there and has a successful career and probably a better quality of life than he'd have over here.
Just don't rule it out completely at this stage. Mexico is a lovely country.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 January 2013):
I have the feeling that you left for Mexico with already ,if not prejudice , some preconceived notions . Not with a totally open mind and the attitude to notice the positive as well as the negative.
Yes, Mexico City is a huge place where several millions people live and it's difficult living there , same as in all big capitals ,like...London for instance ? I lived in London,and , don't get me wrong , I absolutely loved it, but it's no Swiss Alps village. At least in terms of traffic ,noise and pollution . If you live in Chelsea or Knightsbridge, I guess everything is fine, but there are various areas of London as seedy and dangerous as a Mexican barrio. It all depends where you live, with whom, doing what. And what 's the gasping for breath thing ?, it's not Bolivia , when I was in Mexico City I still was a 30 cigs a day smoker and never had the least problem.
In all honesty, I must also say that when I stayed in Mexico City I lived the place as the foreign tourist that I was , and not as a local resident who has to contend with all the hassle and bustle of daily life, going to work, grocery shopping, etc.etc. It does make a difference - up to a certain extent.
It's not the place, it's the mind you go to it with.
" There are no pure lands, there are no impure lands , purity or impurity is only of the mind " say the Buddhists , and I think they are right. Every big change of location takes us out of our comfort zone, our securities, our ATTACHMENTS. The way we think things SHOULD necessarily be. The first impact is always a trauma, even if you should relocate to Paradise. What makes a difference is your flexibility and adaptability , your curiosity, your willingness to see, learn and change, your determination to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative, your CHOICE to be happy and make the most of your experienec wherever, in a quaint Cotswolds cottage or in a stinky, crowded,"weird" big city.
Said all that, one is totally entitled to have preferences, if you don't like Mexico you don't like it , if you hate Mexican food ( yummy ! ) you hate it, if you feel totally out of place...well maybe that would change and maybe not, and you prefer not to risk, a not unreasonable point of view.
The ONE thing in your case that IMO is a no-no is that you could not work there ( is that for sure ? ) and you'd be totally dependent on him. That would make me think twice about moving even from London to, say, Liverpool.
Where does this leave you ? In search of a compromise. Could you not go and try living there for an year or so, and then if you really can't adjust , decide it 's not working and call it quits ?
Or, try convincing your bf that while apparently he can work in both countries you can only work on yours , so it makes more financial sense that you both stay put ?
Or, say that you accept to relocate to his home country - which is already quite a big change for you - but in some smaller town , not Mexico City ?
You seem upset that two years ago he did not tell you that he wanted eventually to go back home, but maybe he did not feel homesick yet,or had other plans then. Or, he did not feel ( understandably ) the need to map out a total life plan for a just budding relationship.
Anyway, now this is where he's at now - willing to relocate . So, unluckily , either you come up with a compromise - or , you know, some times it's just not in the cards. Dating a foreigner often also means making big adjustements, and this is not everybody's cup of tea.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 January 2013):
You didn't really ask a question, but I have to say it's good that you can admit that you sound bad here because, no offense, but you really do.
I've been to Mexico City with my wife and two young kids and I loved it and I have other family members that have gone there more than once because it's only about $350 to fly there. No altitude problems, the food is great, the people were nice (except one guy who I nearly beat up) and non-threatening, there are a ton of nice things to do there, the pollution felt like a non-issue, you're not supposed to drink the water (a lot of people there don't!), there are some beautiful neighborhoods to live in. I also feel like it has to be noted that there are plenty of white Mexicans so I think you probably didn't stand out as much as you think.
It doesn't really sound like you're an adaptable person to be honest with you, and he was probably very frustrated with the way you saw the place he calls home. Imagine if you met in Mexico and visited in London and he acted the same way?
That being said if you don't like MC then you don't like it. Maybe you could compromise and live somewhere like Pueblo which is outside the city but close enough for him to feel at home?
If that's not possible than I don't know what to suggest since neither of you want to live in each others' country.
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