A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:thank you for taking your time to read this.I am 24 years old and could do with some advice.I came out of a very messy controlling relationship 9 months ago after i left him i took this time to really focus on myself.i am notorious for messed up relationships. This time i promise i will do things differently. I would take my time to get to know a guy before i give my heart out.In my search for love naively I attract the wrong guys. A month ago, in a party i met this guy.I wasn't looking for a guy but we just clicked. we chatted the night away,it felt amazing...he is a police officer by profession, he is 26 years old. I felt comfortable with him we had so much things in common .We exchanged numbers, chatted for endless hours on the phone and kept in touch for a month. He told me he also came out of a relationship 6 months ago, he was with his girl for 5years.He told me he isnt touch with her but she hurt him deeply and would never take her back.when he took me out the third time we ended up kissing for the first time, it just felt right. After the kiss when he went home, he started panicking, he was still in touch but i could feel he was trying to be distant.when i called him up on it,i could tell he was being honest he said that since his break up i was the first girl he connected,he cant deny but he has feelings for me. But he told me his barriers are up because he was really hurt previously. He said that he wants me to me to be happy and will always support me to be successful. He told me that he found me beautiful and attractive and a very lovely personality. He didnt regret the kiss, but he felt we just jumped to quickly.He said when he meets up with me in the future, he wants to just chill with me, be friends build a bond but no kissing, because he just wants to be friends and see where it leads..i feel confused.My trust at the moment in guys are so shattered,i cant stop over analyzing. I really like him, but iam also panicking. I dont know if i should go with the flow , iam scared if i come on strong it might scare him away .I would ideally like him to be mine if its meant to be,but iam scared that this is too good to be true,iam not sure how iam supposed to act around him , iam really scared of scaring him away now iam not sure what to do from here but i know i dont want to loose him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi
thankyou for all your advice,especially cindy. " I am not that into you and I don't mean to date you "...Cindy you took the words out of my mouth and nailed it.It seems like the guy is genuinely hurting,and so the best thing for me to do is be platonic friends,if its meant to be it will be and things will fall into place and as the anonymous reader mentioned maybe i do need to take this time out and be my own woman.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (7 January 2013):
 Warning off topic:
So I finally know that my troubles in life are a result of typographic errors.
All this time I thought I was programed to Conquer, when I was meant to Concur.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): I guess it is possible he is not ready for a relationship and he doesn't want to hurt you...though I have never met a guy who was that considerate and thoughtful in sparing a woman's feelings, but you may have found the anomaly.
That..or maybe he is lying to you and the "ex" girlfriend maybe is not an ex at all. Maybe they live together or something. Something's a little off. If you have mutual friends do some digging, is my advice.
I think there is a 50/50 chance he might be lying to you about something.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): Take your time!! Really should give yourself a year or two after a break up to heal...especially if your prone to dysfunctional relationships. Get some therapy, learn about your own self-care. When you're in your power as a woman, that is what is hot to a man...if he's not chasing you....he won't. They are designed in their DNA to pursue, concur, and capture the girl. We can't always know why someone thinks the way they do, but it does feel a little suspicious to me. He was in a long-term relationship...he has not had enough time to heal since then. Five-years is a long time. I really think you need to check why your freaking out when it's not serious. That sounds like your desperate to feel loved. Sorry just my opinion (I've also been there in your situation). Love yourself....and that's when your true love will show up!!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 January 2013):
Strangely, I think that this is one time when over analyzing would be appropriate. Including checking his references. Personally I think that his kissing ban will not last out the month. He is just messed up in the head and the kinks will unravel on their own. But, there is just enough strangeness in his behavior to make me suspicious.
FA
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 January 2013):
 Pardon me but this is sort of funny, he TOLD you what to do and in a way that it does not leave you much range of action, were you not listening ? Unless you want to kiss him by force and take him by force and " make him yours " like in some bad romance novel.
He told you he wants to meet with you again, but just chill, just being friends, no kissing. Try and build a friendship , and take it from there , and see where it leads.
So, I'd say it's pretty clear HOW you should act around him. As a platonic friend. Since he told you he's not up for anything else atm.
I guess perhaps the doubt you are having is whether he is telling you the truth and REALLY wanting to take it very slowly. Or if he is just bullshitting you and giving you some lame excuse that basically means " I am not that into you and I don't mean to date you ".
A reasonable doubt, and one that will be dispelled very soon by the course of events. See how consistent he his with his words. See how often he wants to talk and hang out and spend time with you just as friends . See if he puts a reasonable effort in getting to know you better.
In a month or so, you'll be able to assess if he meant business , or not.
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