A
female
age
36-40,
*uestionshere
writes:Hi there,I just read a question where the guy was worried his girlfriend was lying when she said she had never had anal sex before....I'm about to be that girlfriend. I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months now and I really really love him. We have been through a lot, and a lot of it has been based on my past where I have had sex with a lot of guys who weren't that good to me. The guy I dated before my current boyfriend was sending me emails until I told him to stop and blocked him and so my boyfriend is especially sensitive about him...This guy I dated before my current boyfriend is the only person I have ever had anal sex with. It happened once and not for very long because I did not like it. Me and my current boyfriend have been joking about anal sex recently and I feel like a serious conversation about possibly doing it might be coming up. We have had problems in the past where I haven't told him the truth about things, but we've also had problems where I've told him things about men from my past that he wishes he didn't know. I really don't know what to do if he asks me if I have had it before. Even if he doesn't ask me I feel like it will be lying to pretend it's never happened before but I also feel like it might be healthier for the relationship to pretend.I would really appreciate any advice. Especially from people who have lied in a relationship and think it was actually for the better. (especially because that one time I did it was insignificant and not enjoyable). Thank you!!
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female
reader, questionshere +, writes (27 May 2010):
questionshere is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEveryone,
I deeply appreciate your answers! Just to let you know my boyfriend made it clear that he is not interested in anal sex and was joking around. I told him that I didn't want to do it, that I didn't like the idea. I could have said that I had done it before and didn't want to do it again but I sided with the 'white lies' on this one---Given that it's not really a question of whether we will do it together or not. It feels really good to know that there are people out there who think I've done the right thing. Thank you so much!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 May 2010):
 My guess is that she doesn't want to do it, as it was a disaster the first time. She's dreading the conversation because it's going to come to this question, "did you ever do it before?" And of course the answer is "yes."
So I ask our poster again, do you want to have anal sex with him or not? This point needs to be clarified for us. Thanks, Yos, for clarifying, that was very helpful. I see your point.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (20 May 2010):
 I say lie, and tell him you have never done it. Spare his feelings this once, and pretend that you have never tried. It might be an emotional let down it you said you have tried it before and are unwilling to try it again or he might feel that you have done everything in his wiledest imagination and there are no "firsts" that you two can share (some guys are wierd like this).
If you are willing to try it again, more power to you. If you don't want to, tell him you had once had a rectal exam coinciding with your first gyno appt. and that you vowed to never have anyone come close to your anus again. If he has ever had rectal exam (i am sure he has) he will probably sympathize.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (20 May 2010):
 "Won't her hating it again be just as big a disaster as telling him she had it once and hated it then too? Or are you advocating she lie to him about that?"
You're right. I'm assuming from the question that the she wants to do it. Otherwise i'd expect the question to be: 'how do I say no'? But to your point, perhaps this is the whole problem... a girl agreeing to do things sexually that she doesn't really want to do.
No I'm not advocating lying, I never would advocate that. The best thing would be for him to not to ask in the first place...
"women like you are being forced into a no win situation."
Yep :(
"I think I will take the woman that was presented to me when I met number two, and accept that the life she lived leading up to me, has made her what she is and made what I like about her now. No matter what penis she has encountered along the way."
That's the rational thing to do. And the correct thing. Unfortunately, her boyfriend is probably not being rational. It sounds like he's got the typical unreasonable obsession with her past going on.
The 'trick' I guess is to be truthful but avoid detail. Difficult.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 May 2010):
Um, Yos? I have a little question for you. You say you do not recommend lying to him. She says she hated anal sex the one time she tried it. So IF they do have anal sex and it's just as awful for her as the first time, how is she going to pretend Ithat he was somehow better at it? Won't her hating it again be just as big a disaster as telling him she had it once and hated it then too? Or are you advocating she lie to him about that?
Will this mean he's going to want to try it again and again until she d*mn well likes it? Even if she hates it from the get-go and is only having it because his ego is weak?
This is a no-win for this girl.
If you don't want to have anal sex, say so. He knows you've had sex with other guys in the past, you don't have to be specific about which guy it was you had it with, just tell him you hated it so much you stopped it fast.
Don't joke with him about it if you don't want to do it. Stop joking now about it. Okay?
You know he has this issue with your past, don't give him false hopes and let him imagine things if you have no intention of doing it, that's not fair to him.
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A
female
reader, laetitia  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 I would NOT TELL him, if I were you. Past is past and it should stay there.If he asks you directly "have you ever done that before?", you will have to lie to him. I know lying is not good, but for the sake of your relationship it is the best. Men can go absolutely crazy when it comes to issue like that. It's really annoying. Your best strategy is to avoid the topic or the question being asked the first place. And, please stop telling him about your ex's. Next time he asks you about an ex-relationship, just tell him "I really do not like talking or even thinking about past relationships. There is a reason why they are in the past. Please, do not ask me about exes anymore". If he is normal, he will GET it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): Just tell him you tried it once but you did not like it. Simple.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 May 2010):
I'm a little unclear on something. Do you want to try anal sex with your boyfriend? Or are you hoping not to?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 May 2010):
 I don't think you should go out of your way to mention it, but if it comes up don't lie. I doubt he'd care if he knew you had, but he'd probably care a lot if you lied. Honesty is usually the best policy.
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A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (19 May 2010):
 Don't tell him
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A
male
reader, RyanS  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 Do not tell him.
Its a minor detail, and its better you lie on this one.
Anyway there is no biological tracker for it, so let your guy feel he is the first to have it with you. Small pleasure for him.
But if you don't like it even with him, then tell him. Very few girls like it and not every guy likes it (incl me). So its not a must for a couple.
Just fyi, I heard from those who do it that it can impact the digestive system. So analyze it well first.
Wish you happiness.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (19 May 2010):
I understand your boyfriends issue, having been there myself. And I know how hard it can be to deal with from your perspective, you have my sympathy.
What you said here sounds fine. Just tell him yes you tried it once, but it was a very bad experience, it was brief and unsuccessful. But avoid any more detail, as I'm sure you've figured out by now detail is not good!
Assuming that it then goes well with your current boyfriend, you can let him know that it was a much better experience with him. That should give him something he can feel is 'special' between the two of you. If you can find the right way to give him confidence through this, this could turn into a positive for your relationship that can give him the feeling he has been able to experience something with you that no one else has. Men are competitive, if you can make him feel he has 'won' then he will be very confident and happy. He will have done something better than your ex, make sure he knows you feel that.
I do not recommend lying. He will sense it in some way, and you will not feel good about your decision in the longer run.
You might also want to consider something sexual you have never done that you can do with your boyfriend, if there is something and you are up for it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): A little white lie won't hurt in this situation.
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A
female
reader, elmofudge +, writes (19 May 2010):
I would be honest and say that you have done it before and how you felt about it. You do not need to tell him who with, as that is a personal thing that belongs in your past. I think the last thing you would want is to tell him you hadn't done it, for him to start suggesting you give it a try and for you to give in. This would not be fair on you. Just be honest and if he is a nice guy he will understand that it's something you have tried and didn't like. If all else fails, you can ask if he would like to be pleasured anally. If the answer is no, I think he should definately respect how you feel even more so.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 If he doesn't ask don't tell. If he asks say "are you sure you want to know?" and then be honest and say it happened once before. Do NOT go into detail. Saying you've done it once before is sufficient.
"Even if he doesn't ask me I feel like it will be lying to pretend it's never happened before" Not telling him when he doesn't ask, in this situation, is not the same as pretending you've never done it before. And to be honest it will not benefit you to pretend. You already experienced discomfort with anal sex and I suggest you are open and honest about this.
I can not recommend that you lie to your partner under any circumstance. White innocent lies is one thing (like telling him his cooking tastes great even though you think he added way too much salt), but flat out lying can only DAMAGE your relationship.
Don't feel too bad about telling your guy too much in the past though. Everyone steps in the salad now and then and puts their foot in their mouth. My boyfriend informed me, without me asking, about his anal sex experiences with an ex, which I found to be mortifying as I was in the middle of telling him about a personal experience of mine. It was humiliating and I was so mad at him, but hey I got over it. And so will your boyfriend, if he is anything close to a nice guy.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (19 May 2010):
 If you read any of my previous posts you'll see that I'm all about being honest with your partner. However, in this instance, I don't think you have to bring up your past anal sexual experience. Now, if you were VERY experienced with anal sex and you did it frequently with your past partner(s) then obviously you'd want to tell your current boyfriend the truth. But if your last experience was truly as insignificant and short... then there is really no reason to bring it up or acknowledge it.
I can understand you wanting to be honest, and again... I usually preach honesty, honesty, honesty. But from what you've said about his reactions about past boyfriends, etc... it's ok to protect him with a little white lie. (in my opinion)
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