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female
,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend recently just went off to college. We decided to have an "open relationship" while he was away, but to get back together whenever he returned home. I realize now that it's too hard for me to know he's getting with other girls and not be angry about it. He still wants to be with me when he comes home, but I want him to stay faithful to me while he's there. He hasn't given me a completely straight answer about why he can't do that. What does this mean? Is he using me for convenience, and what should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2007): Hi!
I am in an open relationship with my boyfriend. We've been together almost four years, and lived together for the last 1/2. He's just moved out about 200 steps from my place and we see each other every day. Part of the reason for the move is so that we can both privately invite other people over.
The reason why this works out is that we are very clear that we are each other's primary partner, and I am truly OK with this because I have my own goals in life and I don't really want to be part of a traditional couple. Also, as you've noticed, we take steps to respect each other's vulnerable spots.
I must also say that we are both in our 40s, each having raised a young adult of a previous union, who both left our respective homes before we moved in together. So we've both experienced other more traditional, committed relationships before deciding on this way of life.
I don't think your boyfriend is "using you" when he comes home to you. On the opposite, I think you are in the same position as I am: you are the primary, romantic love in his life, and he "not seriously" fools around with the girls he meets in college, no strings attached.
But you should not remain in a situation that is painful for you. College changes people, and your lives will probably take on different directions. Instead of waiting for him and putting your life on ice every time he goes away, I think the best thing is for you to move on and eventually meet someone who is in your environment, now. Someone you can evolve with, day by day.
A
male
reader, Jesuslovesgeiss +, writes (5 November 2005):
I am a male that is in the same situations as your boyfreind so perhapps i can shed some light on what is going on at the other end of the spectrum. First of all your boyfreind is slightly differen than most typical college dudes because he had been honest with you about this situation. I know many guys who put up a loving front to their girlfreinds and then are unfailthfull to them at school. College is a time for meeting new people and doing new things, and he see that. However, it seems that he sees somthing in you as well that he wants to hold onto. He is stuck in the purgatory of relationships, not knowing if he should miss out on seeing other people or miss out on seeing you. My advice is to talk about what you want with him and be clear on what he wants. If you cannot see eye to eye then I would recomend moving on. Its going to be awkward and painfull at first when you come home, however I know for a fact that If you two are meant to be, He will come back later on.
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A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (18 September 2005):
 I think you need to tell him that it's all or nothing. You care about him too much and it's not fair on you to use you when he comes home. He's got the best of both worlds with that! He can be a player while he's away then come home and have a doting girlfriend. Don't be that, you derserve more.
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A
reader, pops +, writes (18 September 2005):
I think you should tell him how your feel, but be prepared for him to say no, and walk away from you. He might beat you to the punch. Sorry this is not working for you. It took courage to try this, but its one of those lessons in life you can only learn by doing it. Next time, no open relationships for you. Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2005): Tell him it's all or nothing but be prepared to walk away from this relationship if he doesn't agree. Both partners must agree to this "open" arrangement for it to work. And it seems you want a more exclusive, committed relationship with him and he's not prepared to do that. I know for most guys the phrase "open relationship" is just another way of saying "I want to fool around." He can't have it both ways-at least not with you. Many couples think the "openeness" it's a great idea-right up until they see their partner going out with someone else. And then one or the other realizes, they can't handle itand the green eyed monster comes out in full force. You can either be "open," that is, take your relationship slow and not rush into defining yourselves an exclusive couple, or you can have a committed relationship, with the stipulation that you're both going to really commit to each other. Either situation can be a good one, but if you try to have them both together. You'll get neither one. So my advice-keep your self-respect intact and tell him this "openess" is not for you and leave the relationship. Stand by your beliefs and stand up for yourself...take care.
Hugs and Smiles,
Irish
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A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (17 September 2005):
For your sake it would be maybe a good idea if you ended the relationship altogether, and tell him it's all or nothing and that you are sorry. In a way this guy is probably being decent and honest and does not think that he could stay faithful to you while he is at college and he does not want to pretend that he can. I would admire this quality in a man but to protect your feelings and to stay honest with yourself, it would be good to break it off rather than to have an open relationship that you can't live with. He put the ball in your court, it your serve.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2005): my opinion is that you should leave everything yous had together in the past, don't let him use you when he comes home, you need to move on girl lifes far to short
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A
female
reader, screenagerteenager +, writes (17 September 2005):
You should tell it to him straight. If he truly treasures you as his girlfriend he should respect your views and not continue with this. If he doesn't respect that, then it may be a better idea to finish with him, and find someone who is willing to have you as his one and only, even at long distance!
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