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female
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*atiepops
writes: Hi, I've been in a relationship with a guy for almost 18 months now and we have a 4 month old baby daughter, the problem is I am still in love with my ex. We were together for about 16 months and I loved every minute of it, he was funny, kind, gentle and generous and I just wanted to hold him close all the time. The problem was he had complications that didn't look like they would be resolved as well as living 450 km's away. As he didn't look like he would change his position I decided to move on and maybe find someone else, which I did pretty soon. He wasn't my ideal man but I was fast approaching 33 and just felt that I wanted a family.Within days I knew that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him and begged my ex to re-think his situation, after 6 weeks of being with my new guy I rang my ex again asking him to be with me as he was the one I truly loved and wanted to be with forever, He promised me he would sort something over the weekend. That weekend I had problems and my sister was very ill, my new guy was like a knight and helped with my sister, I felt that I had to give him the chance and as my ex had had so long I decided he was too late. That weekend I called him to tell him he was too late, but he had already changed his situation, I said I was sorry but it was tough. He begged for the chance and couldn't understand how I could tell him I truly loved one day then 2 days later wanted to be with someone else, I couldn't explain to him but it was just my new guy was there.Six weeks passed and I discovered I was pregnant! I was gutted because I was beggining to realise that I didn't really love my new guy, but being catholic I knew It would be hard to change the situation so I went ahead. I kept contacting my ex every now and again but I'm sure it was messing his head, the trouble was I still loved him and realised I'd made a mistake.Since I gave birth I've had quite a lot of contact with my ex, he always tells me he loves me and would do anything for me and my baby, I told him I'm unhappy and that I love him, but I have to try and make it work for my daughter, I'm sure it's not nice for him but I don't know what to do, should I stay with the baby's father or try with the one man I truly in this life???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2005): saying you don't love the baby's father is like saying the child was a mistake you really shouldn't play games like this the man your with sounds like he cares for you he's given a loverly child don't throw that away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2005): To add to everyone's comments, I just have to say..This is no longer "just about you and want you want". You must now understand that you have huge commitments and responsibilities to your daughter and the father of your baby. You may have to accept that this committment supersedes your relationship with the ex bf. Having him waiting in the wings is preventing you from being able to fully commit to your current bf and building a solid, happy family life for your young daughter. You really sound a little bit out of control here. In your shoes I would pull back and think long and hard, before you hurt your baby's Father because he sounds like an honorable man who cares deeply for you and you will hurt him deeply. Remember, we need to treat our own emotions and the emotions of others tenderly and with respect. good luck
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A
female
reader, caffeinequeen +, writes (4 November 2005):
It seems that you already know what you want.You are lucky that your ex is willing to take you and your baby.It's a very loving thing for him to want to take care of a baby who isn't his.It looks like he wants to do the right thing by you.As far as your current guy,look at him real well and ask yourself if you can play happy family for the next 18 years or so, when your daughter will be living under your roof.It is not fair on your boyfriend to wait before telling him you don't really love him. You are very lucky to have that many people loving you and wanting to be with you,and now you have a daughter to love and who is going to love you.You are very blessed. You already know in your heart of hearts that you love your ex, and the feeling is mutual.To me: this is no brain surgery: be with the one you love and who loves you, and spare the agony for your present boyfriend by telling him the truth. It's better to do it now than 2 years down the line.Besides, can you see yourself telling your daughter you stayed with her father ( being unhappy and thinking about another man) because of her.It's such a terrible burden for a child.It's a matter of having the guts to tell the truth and make steps towards the life you really want, as opposed to following some religious and social pressures that go counter clockwise to your true feelings.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (3 November 2005):
 I totally agree with the first answer! You are really a piece of work! I feel sorry for everyone in your life. I hope the father of your baby will instill in her everything that will help her to develop into a fine human being, she sure won't get it from you. Grow up you sobby little whiner.
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A
female
reader, Jackie +, writes (3 November 2005):
Can you sit there and play toss up with 2 men's hearts? You need to lay back and take a moment to realize what you are doing! First of all, if you're wanting to make this work with your baby's father you can't be having contact with some one you care about, cause then you'll drive your self crazy, you need to be focused on what's best for you and that baby, trying to make it work with the father is the best bet! If you know nothing is in for you with the baby's father than you need to leave instead of making the situation worse! By going back and forth on this can cause a lot of heart break and disaster for you all, and no body will be happy! You need to think about the long term affect you're doing and need to chose on what's to come! Choose wisely and do what's best for you and the baby! You're the only one with the answer, listen to what your heart is saying, not your mind! Best of luck!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2005): You may be the most selfish person who has written into us in a long time- perhaps ever! You ask your ex to change and be with you, then 2 days later tell him he's too late? Now you are going to do the same to the father of your baby? Do you really deserve either? I think they would both be better off if they never see you again! Choose which ever sucker will stay with you! But be prepared to make a lot of apologies, and do a little growing up. That baby is going to need a grown up mother pretty soon, and you have a long way to go.
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