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female
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anonymous
writes: I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years and we had a great sex life for the first two. As with any relationship the sex tailed off but he is always 'up for it' whereas I am often stressed and tired from work. He had been having trouble accessing his emails so I went onto his account to try and fix it. I found an email from Adult Friend Finders and his profile stated that he would lke to find a discreet 'hot friend' with whom he could have no strings sex. I decided not to confront him but instead sent him an email from an alias address from a 'horny blonde' wanting to meet up. He has not emailed back yet but he has created a new folder in his email called 'Work' and this email is saved in it. Should I wait to see if he takes the bait or should I confront him? The trouble is, it looks like I have been prying into his email which I suppose I kind of did but it was only because he asked me to fix it. I really don't know what to do because I really love him. Had he just deleted the email I would have just forgot about it but the fact that he has saved it makes me think he is seriously considering cheating. Please help
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (22 September 2005):
 Right, first of all, you're smarter than this!! You're seeking reassurance that he's not cheating on you. You subconsicously tell yourself that he cant be and wont be. But truth be said, he definitely is and regardless of whether he replies to it or not, the intentions are already there, which means theres a loophole in your relationship without you knowing it! About your situation now, I suggest you leave it as it is for now and see if he actually takes the bait. You want to do this because since ure already this far out in the game, you might as well wait a little bit more to see what sort of person he really is. Give it a month or two. If he replies, then uve caught him red handed, but if he doesnt, you should still tell him about what uve found out. Sometimes people can change, so I would say trust ure intuitions on this matter.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2005): What's he is doing-IS cheating. He's planning on actively making contact with women with intent to cheat. Confront him. Tell him you know that he has set up this profile. Undoubtedly if he's already dishonest enough to do this behind your back, he'll have all sorts of excuses and reasons. Tell him here aren't any excuses. A relationship is about honesty, trust, and openly working on and caring for each other. If he is actively looking to make new contacts behind your back, he's violating everything a relationship is about. If he's seeking 'to date' someone outside of his relationship, then it's obvious that he places little value on being with you. I think it's time for you to consider-leaving this relationship or it will begin to erode your self-respect and your value. Somehow, he's got to realize that his relationship with you-really IS important to him. You know the old saying-"You don't know what you got 'til it's gone". Tell him he has to go. If, over time, he comes to his senses, and you both want to be together again-then suggest couple counselling first. But unless something happens, and soon, to increase his appreciation and respect for you, then he will inevitably end up cheating on you and possibly leave you anyways.
There has to be a mutual respect, love and commitment to this relationship so that it will work for both of you. It's apparent that you still value monogamy and commitment, and he doesn't. I wish you the best of luck and be strong.
Hugs,
Irish
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A
female
reader, Happygoddess +, writes (20 September 2005):
I think you know exactly what's going on here. What are you waiting for? Do you really believe that there is any plausible explaination for his behavior??
My suggestion is to say something to him, but choose your words carefully. Perhaps you could initiate a conversation with him rather than jump on him with accusations?
You can't police him, and I don't know if he is willing to admit to doing anything wrong. You will have to trust him to believe he has changed (like his password will change!, but ask yourself: what has he done to earn my trust? Good luck.
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