A
female
age
51-59,
*lue
writes:I had been in a relationship for 5 years. He was wonderful,charming,sensitive,everything a woman could want. He was my best friend. A year before we got together he had lost his young wife to a health problem and was devastated.After 5 years,he could still not get over her or commit to me by moving in or marrying me so I had to move on. We had been seperated for almost a year,even though we stayed the best of friends.I started seeing an old friend from when I was a teenager. I always had a crush on this man since I was 13 years old,I am now 43.We started hanging out as friends and somehow there was an overwhelming attraction and we fell in love.He is just as wonderful. Now the ex wants me back after almost a year and is willing to give me everything I wanted before.He has moved on from his past and had to heal from his pain.He is willing to go to counseling,marriage,live with me,he wants it all....and we are still best friends. I still love him.I love both of them and I dont know what to do.The new man wants to give me everything I need right now and we have been friends for most of my life. The problem with the new guy I have known for thirty years is that him and my sister had a relationship 8 years ago,he was the love of her life.He walked out after a few years because she was mentally abusive to him and they fought all the time. My sister is now married to a great guy and has been for about 5 years, she has never been able to get over this new guy of mine or old guy of hers. Recently she had been emailing me that she was unhappy because she still loved him. I tried to get the two of them back together but he wanted no part in it.Him and I started hanging out and she confessed to me every week how much she still loved him.I tried to tell her he only wanted to be friends.Somehow and not intentionally,mine and his friendship became more and we fell in love.I wanted to be the one to tell her and I did.She is hurt and told me I had betrayed her.She has written stories on a blog online that she writes and talks about how much she hates me and how I betrayed her. I do feel guilty but at the same time,she is MARRIED to another man.Yes, I feel terrible and think somehow she is right but am I not entitled to happiness also. I dont know what to do on either of these things.I would like your responses no matter if they are positive or negative.Is this betrayal? Should I let this man go?Does the old boyfriend deserve another chance? Should I give the new man a chance to prove himself inspite of what my sister thinks?
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female
reader, Klue +, writes (18 March 2011):
Klue is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all your responses to this.It is tearing me apart,so I appreciate any honest answers.
You are right,the word prove was a poor choice of words.Should I give him a CHANCE to see where this goes since there has been an attraction for thirty years and he is a wonderful guy. As for the other comment I would like to clarify that SHE was the one who was mentally abusive to him.I seen that firsthand with all her relationships.He never talks about it,I know her side of the story already,she spoke with me in depth many times. She is married to a good man now and mentally abuses him as well.While she is writing on her blog about how much she hates me,she is also belittling her husband to the entire world.I have no anger toward her,I understand she is hurt and that is why I have not responded to her blogs or hateful emails she sends
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): Men come and go but sisters are forever. You did one of the worst things a sister can do to another. You carved betrayel deep into her heart over a damn man that comes and goes. Are you serious?! How can you live with yourself sashaying him all up in her face when you know she still isn't over him? You didn't even stop to consider her side of the story. You need to check yourself.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 March 2011):
 Hold on - I'll get to the rest of your message/questions in a second. I want to know what you mean by "prove himself". Why would you ever start a relationship by making someone prove himself to you? That is a weird thing to say, and a true relationship builds on mutual trust and no need for one person to try to take control of a relationship by making the other prove themself. I didn't like that statement.
Anyways, the rest. I think you did betray your sister. Doesn't matter if she got married. You are hearing the guy's side of the story in regards to their split. You didn't even consider your sister's version of the story, and then you're keeping this guy close to her by being with him, plus she has feelings for him.
Guys are a dime a dozen, but sisters are forever. I would rather never be with a guy than ever betray a family member. This guy hurt her. A divorce or breakup in terms of traumatic events rank up there with a death in the family, and with you cuddling up to this guy brings home the trauma your sister felt.
I think you did betray her. You could have had anyone. For this one guy you were so fixated on, there are 50 others who wouldn't have caused such pain to your sister.
Sorry, but I don't see it your way on this one.
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (18 March 2011):
Sheesh...I like the old one and the new one. I am just as confused. I do not think you are betraying her. You told her, if you didn't tell her then that would be wrong. Talk to her about it and let her know you love her very much. She is married and that is what it boils down to. She just feels a claim to him and that is not fair. It was a long time ago and she chose to be with someone else.
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A
female
reader, dietcoke.1  +, writes (18 March 2011):
No man is worth falling out with your sister . He also mentally abused her, i would probably give her some support and stay away if i was you. Being with him is like throwing it back in her face. Give the old guy a chance it would be great if you ended up together where you could have family get togethers. With the new guy family get togethers looks doubtfull
Good Luck x
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