A
male
age
,
*atrickw
writes:Hi - I’m feeling emotionally hurt, confused , anxious and vulnerable.I’m a gay man who’s been in a long term relationship for 16 years. I love my partner deeply, but we’ve had one major issue in our relationship - I’m not open about my gay life to my family, and in particular my daughter who is now in her late twentiesThis issue hurts my partner, and feels he's become my “dirty little secret”.To compound this major issue, a degree of apathy has set into our relationship : We seldom have sex anymore, although there are lots of hugs and cuddles.Here’s the thing : He met someone in a band whilst on a work related social event. The guy was 15 years younger, and very attractive, and my partner agreed to meet him, and a full blown affair has developed over the last 10 weeks.My partner confessed to all this voluntarily, and said he still loves me, but can not tolerate being a secret anymore. He gave me the ultimatum of telling my daughter, and if I did, he would end his affair.I realised my love for him was so strong and powerful, that I couldn’t bare to lose him.I’ve now told my daughter - she is fine with it, and has been very supportive.I had sex with my partner last night - the first time for over a year - it was tender and loving.He has said he will now meet with this guy and finish the affair next week - he said he owes it to him to tell him face to face.I feel so relieved and am hoping that this horrible situation will strengthen our future relationship.We have talked for hours and hours, and agree that we both should have attempted to resolve our problem before the attractive attentive guy turned up.Am I doing the right think by forgiving his cheating, in the knowledge that I denied his existence to others, and showed apathy in our relation ship in the latter year or two.I just feel so vulnerable, and desperate to keep him.I'm anxious that he will still keep in tough with this guy - I just could'nt bear that.Thanks for listening …..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): The fact that he put up with being 'hidden' for so many years must prove something. I dont think i could have tolerated what hes been through.
Its unfortunate that it came to this before you found the courage to speak to your daughter. But cheating is never right, whatever the situation. So i can understand your concerns. Your partner has presented you with the cause and effect of your reluctance to talk to your daughter in a brutally 'honest' way.....if cheating can ever be honest! As he has said he will end the affair, you can only trust that he does. And theres that word, trust! Which you probably dont have a lot of at the moment. My suggestion is to ask him if he would consider couples counselling. It might help to talk with someone about his feelings regarding you keeping him out of your 'life' for so long. And your turst issues with him now. I hope things work out ok.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): Sometimes painful events are what we all need to invigorate a relationship. I'm very happy that you were able to work through it. Also, VERY HAPPY your daughter is supportive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): You've both discussed the matter and come up with a solution. If this is what you want then I see nothing wrong with going ahead with it. You always have the option to change your mind in the future.
I don't subscribe to the belief that once a cheater always a cheater. People can and do change all the time, for better or worse. And it isn't up to others to lock someone into a role with a label. Your boyfriend came clean on his own. He didn't wait for you to find out. He may have been in the wrong in having the affair but I can understand where he was coming from.
I think this relationship has a good chance of working out.
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