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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My first boyfriend treated me the greatest. I was not sexually attracted to him tho, and when he tried to do stuff when I wasn't into it I felt horrible and guilty. I tried to break up with him a couple times, but when I was leaving the room he would cry and it broke my heart so I stayed with him. One day I began hanging out with my friend and he had a crush on me... but it was innocent. We smoked together, and hung out a lot... behind my boyfriend's back. I was a virgin at the time and my b/f knew it too. This friend knew it as well, and he knew I had a boyfriend. Well this friend took my virginity. my boyfriend has never found out. and that is so scary. I cannot believe i never admitted it. Boyfriend had asked many times if me and that guy ever did anything and I always denied it. He said he can tell when I'm lying. So I do think he has always known that I've slept with this guy.Regrettably, I have cheated on him other times too. And how he found out was not my doing but his doing. He climbed thru my window when i didn't answer to his knocking. and he saw my computer had an address... yea.ALl of this is extremely painful for me to think about, because I cannot believe I caused someone so much pain. Sooo much pain... I cannot comprehend what I did to him. but it is weighing on my mind. I do not have pitty for myself because I understand that this is part of the aftershock. But I cannot stop thinking about his wellbeing. so after a year of being broken up, do I tell him? Do I get it all off my chest and into the open? I don't know what to do. I'm scared to see him again, and to know what happened to him while he was recovering from the evil devil that possessed me to harm him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): I would say that it is all in the past. But if HE brings it up, then YES, go ahead and tell him the truth about what you did AND APOLOGIZE PROFOUNDLY TO HIM. Let him know how selfish you were and it has haunted you since about it. It was a terrible thing and if he asks, tell him. And be nice and allow HIM to have his feelings on the matter. He has a right.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all your honesty. I've been looking for someone to ask these questions to. And it's too bad I have to do it anonymously...Thank you, I have been waiting for all of your kind advice.
The only reason why I am thinking of this stuff is because I have a feeling that I will have to face this in the near future. And I have been wanting to think it through before it may happen.
I have definitely learned my lessons. Yet I am still in the process of passing through and realizing its time to keep moving forward and striving to be a better person.
Asking for peace of mind. I just don't know how to handle this in the future. Like with future relationships, should I tell them about my past? I want to heal from this eventually. I guess I'll see where this ends me up
Thank you so much for your truthful advice and for not ripping me apart. I know I betrayed him ... and until now I finally understand what I was doing, it will never happen again if I can help it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): If you were still with him then I would absolutely say you owe him the whole story.
But you're not, so I would say don't tell him. It would be a lot more about your benefit to spill the beans than his.
(You secretly lost your virginity to another guy while dating him? Wow, could you have come up with a worse betrayal if you tried?)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): You've already harmed him enough. Time has passed so he's a little better than yesterday so just leave it at that instead of rehashing it with him and causing him harming him that much more with unnecessary pain. Leave him alone. You've done enough damage. Work through your guilt without involving him. That would be evil. You said you had the evil devil in you, well it's still in you because it made you think about harming the dude more without realizing how cruel that would be. Back up off the dude for good. You had your chance.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): Let it go... he's moved on, you've moved on. If you see him, say hi and keep it distant. I just had my first college GF find me on facebook. After 20 years, she thought that I'd still be mad! No way! Time heals all these feelings, and what you realize is that he was not the one.
We all get to where we get due to things that happen to us. Odds are very good that you will both get to someplace better as a result of moving on.
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A
male
reader, sebaslookingforward  +, writes (18 March 2011):
I think he has moved on already. Dont go back to him and hurt him more than you already have. I hope u dont feel any pride out of what you did. Do him a little favour, and dont contact him again as he probably tried very hard to forget u...
I am sure he found out you had sex with this guy.
If you want to feel better about any of this, think that he has probably gotten over it, and that you have learned your lesson. But do not contact him any more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): Why are you suddenly concerned about seeing him again? Is there some meeting planned or something?
I don't see what the point of coming clean now is. Getting it off your chest only puts the pain squarely on his. He's had a year to heal. Confessing at this point may re-open those wounds and set him back. And for what? You're not getting back together and working toward a future.
He doesn't need this burden. You work this out on your own. If you need to confess, talk to a priest or spiritual advisor.
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A
male
reader, Boy Blue  +, writes (18 March 2011):
After a year I doubt it matters to talk about it to him, I don't think he'd want to know. What's the point of being honest now? The only relief to be gained is yours from your guilt if you tell him. Yes it is painful for you to think about but he was the one that suffered from it. Unless he asks or he actually wants to know, I wouldn't tell him anything and if were me, I still wouldn't tell him even if he DID ask. There's no reason why he should have to keep suffering.
At the same time maybe he's moved on or maybe not. I hope you can face him though and I hope you've learned something from all of this.
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