A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a brilliant boyfriend, he really is amazing. We have been together over a year and have lived together most of that time (we met in student accomondation.)We are both twenty and lost our virginities to each other, and I can't imagine a more caring and perfect boyfriend out there. Sounds to good to be true right? Well here's my problem; he doesn't really like sex. He only really does it to get rid of his urges and he tells me it makes him nervous if I kiss his or make advances towards sex. I think part of the problem is that he's embarressed about his stamina, (it doesn't last very long). He really does try to please me, but when he only wants sex once or twice a month it's hard for me to fulfill my needs.He is absolutely perfect in every other way, he just doesn't have a massive sex drive. Do you think this is a real problem or something I can get used to with time. I really love him and don't want to lose him but I'm tired of arguing about something he can't change.
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female
reader, iHearYou  +, writes (14 April 2013):
It may be that he's just plain exhausted ... with a schedule like that most of us would be, but he might also have a medical condition. Low testosterone causes a low sex drive and is common in men age 45+, but not an 18-21 year old ... supplements, prescription drugs, stress and depression are other denominators. My guess is his pride gets in the way, but it sounds like he needs to see his doctor for a full physical and to discuss this matter with him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2013): Thank you for replying everyone. I'm not ready to give up yet, I think our relationship is still pretty new but that we can both try harder. We've talked about it and I think part of our problem is that our brains are on different schedules, (he is an endurance athlete so gets up at 6am most days whilst going to bed around 10pm, whereas I'm a typical student, late nights, late mornings) so we do find it hard to get proper alone time, especially as we live with friends.
Also, there is a lot of research into how being an endurance athlete lowers your sex drive. Maybe I'm just trying to make excuses, whilst reading all of your responses I agreed that your answers where right. However, for me and my relationship I'm not quite ready to give up yet and reading the answers made me realise that.
Thank you everyone.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 April 2013):
 Sex matters. You'll get very tired with this after a few years. For now you still have the patience and the, perhaps naive, belief that "love will conquer all". And so you think sex wont matter as long as everything else is fine.
But it does matter. You wont be happy in a relationship like this, not long term. But you'll figure that out yourself once you get to that point. If you don't want things to end though, you need to talk to him about improvements in the bedroom. That you need sex more often, and you and him need to find some compromises.
I think this is just a matter of different sex drives. He doesn't want sex that often, you want it more often. It's just who you are, but it is also something that makes you incompatible. It'll drive you nuts after a few years and it'll make you feel bad about yourself, unattractive, not sexy, not wanted, ignored, rejected etc. It'll bring you down.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (13 April 2013):
OP, you are both young and still have a lot of growing to do together. Now you are realising that you could have more fun together your task is to get your boyfriend involved. First thing, don't argue! Don't argue about anything and especially don't argue about sex. He will feel even more inadequate and make your "problem" a hundred times worse. There are many good things about starting as two virgins together and if you dump him because of sex you may regret it. Intimacy in general is much more rewarding and special than the sex act itself. Get some massage oil, candles, incense, a bottle of wine, and a wet Sunday afternoon and just spend the time together touching each other, no intercourse until its tea time! He may feel shy about doing this but plan it for when he should be horny, and you be careful not to make him come to quickly!!
If you haven't already, get a vibrator/dildo and at the right moment ask him to please help you use this. He doesn't have experience of any other women so YOU are the only one who can teach him nicely about the complications of female sex anatomy. Gets some lube as well, and show him what to touch and how to touch, inside you as well. Now if you aren't sure yourself you should do some DIY to find out !
If he is reluctant to join in, and to be honest he would have to be a super nerd or prude to not be fascinated at playing with a girl and a dildo and seeing her orgasm, then you are going to have to ask him to join you, for the sake of your relationship, in some joint education. Get some books and videos, not porn, about love making. Explain that this is what couples need for a healthy and strong relationship. It's as much about spending quality time together as the orgasms. If all this doesn't help then you know you tried and it is your boyfriend that doesn't want to invest in your relationship. Remember, no fighting, shouting, raised voices, and if he does ask him nicely not to and refuse to get drawn in. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (13 April 2013):
 Hi
Does he just not get turned on by you, or is it sex in general? Did he ever watch porn or read mags,was he curious beforehand about sex.
As your his first he will be discovering himself what sex means to him, clearly not much, maybe he needs encouragement, maybe suggest other ways to look after you.Maybe its the shared house - if there are others there.
Without sex it's purely friendship you have with him, we can love friends, but its not the way to meet your needs.
Decide if he's your future,if it's how you want to be.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 April 2013):
 Why do you say he can't change that ? There are remedies for premature ejaculation, maybe they don't work 100% for everybody, but before assuming " he can't do anything about it " he should consult a doctor AND a psychologist.
He can't throw the towel before having even tried to solve the problem !
Why do you have to get " used " to have your sexual needs unmet ? Can't he get used, at least, to satisfy you more, and more often, through non penetrative sex ?
When there's a mismatch in sexual needs, first you should seek a compromise, and no compromise is possible if he just sits there with his pants on saying " I'm nervous ".
And basically using you once a month to "satisfy his urges " i.e. basically, and forgive me the inelegant phrasing, when he is bursting at the seams. There's already masturbation for that .
If no effort is made to overcome his condition, and to reach a decent compromise, then I am afraid that you'd better leave him. It's not that sex is more important than love , of course, it's that without at least physical compatibility, if not physical passion,
no love is complete and no relationship lasts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2013): It only happens once or twice a month and even then it hardly lasts more than a second. He should try to please you through other ways like oral or fingers. But im imagining that would be a chore to him since he doesnt even feel like sex. Eventually he will stop making the effort on even the little sex you have. Better make a run for it before it gets complicated. Im guessing you dont wana make such a move coz of the sentimental value of losing your virginity to each other, he is great in other ways, you feel sorry for him, etc. But in the end, you will be miserable. By the time you realise that, it might be harder to walk away than now.
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A
male
reader, peanut_gallery +, writes (13 April 2013):
Speak with him and uncover what is going on. Perhaps he can perform oral sex so his stamina issues aren't in the spotlight.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 April 2013):
This is a deal breaker unless, of course, you don't like sex either.
You may be able to tolerate it for awhile but what if you got married? It would only get worse and you'd eventually NEVER have sex (shudders).
Sometimes you have to say goodbye to someone you love, and I firmly believe that that's the case here.
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