A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This will be long so i apologise in advance.I will start at the beginning. I have a boyfriend since february and am crazy about him. I am 20 and after a few weeks we slept together. It was my first time but it wasnt his. I was not pressurised into it by anyone, it felt so right and im not the sort of person to be pressurised into something. Anyway next thing is i have never got on with my mother. She gets angry so easily, makes me feel almost nervous. I feel like i have no confidence around her because she gives out about everything, my clothes, my weight etc.So you can imagine how angry she got when she found the pill and two condoms in a bag in the back of my wardrobe. She was definetly rooting in my room as she wouldnt have found them otherwise. She also told me then that it seems like i am a slut and desperate for a guy because she found a very very personal letter i wrote my ex boyfriend telling my feelings (never sent). I was so mad that she has been rooting through my private things. The worst thing is now she thinks i am a slut which i can garantee you i am not. Ive kissed 4 guys in the past year lol! She calls me every mean name under the sun. I know it must have been a shock to her to see that but i think i have suffered enough with all the name calling, the dirty looks. Is there anything that can be done to make this better? There is no point in talking to her about it as i have tried. At this stage i am sick of everything, her meanness and cruelty. Some of you who might be a little "traditional" sorry if thats the wrong word, will you tell me has she a right to be mad at me having lost my virginity in a relationship at the age of 20? Im so upset, i feel like crying all the time and my boyfriend is worried about me. Any help would be so great as it would give me a different perspective to my own. I know now that i can never trust her again but if i could have a passing relationship with her it would keep me happy. Thanks and sorry its so long.
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condom, confidence, lost my virginity, my ex, the pill Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): My goodness your mother is totally out of order, she has the problem not you. You're a grown woman, acting responsibly in having safe sex.
She has no right to snoop or tell you what to do. Your parents do not own you, they are there to help bring you up so you can make your own choices and be your own person. Children are not possessions to be controlled.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): I geuinely think you need to start looking into a way to get your own place to live (and believe me, I know how hard that is!). It will seem scary, your mother may try and convince you that you can't (legally she can't stop you), you shouldn't and may threaten to cut you off, but don't let that stop you. You will experience hardships, no doubt, there will be times when you will feel lonely and scared, but grit your teeth and keep on going forward, because you can and you will find happiness through it. And when you DO get your own place, put boundaries in force that limit how much your mother is involved and able to visit. Remember, this is your life, it will be your home. If you want cherry red curtains and lime green carpets then do it! To heck with what mother says! If you want your boyfriend to stay the odd night, then do it! To heck with what your mother says! Because once you close your door on the world it is YOUR kingdom to rule as you see fit.I don't doubt that you love your mother, or that she loves you, but your relationship does sound destructive. A mother should love and nurture their child and support them with the choices they make in life, even if they don't always agree with them. However, you mother seems to be choosing to crush your spirit at every turn, by constantly commenting negatively on every aspect of your life, your personality, your appearance, etc. This could be through personal bitterness or a fear of losing you, but whatever is behind it, it is not right and it is not fair, and is holding you back in your life.You are not a slut at all! You are in a settled relationship with a (hopefully) good man, you are taking care of your body and protecting your future by using the pill and condoms, and I am pleased to read that your boyfriend cares enough about you to be concerned for your well-being and wants to help you. You sound to me to be a very sensible and sensitive young lady who just happens to be burdened with an overbearing and over-critical mother. I can't tell you to ignore what you mother is saying to you simply because as it is coming from your mother I know you can't, but please do listen to the people here too, when we tell you that you are NOT a slut, you have NOT done anything wrong and that you CAN find happiness in spite of your mother's best efforts to keep you down.Seriously, look into finding a way to leave home. Investigate all the ways to get a flat of your own, or look into house shares with other girls (either friends or strangers who have advertised a room through a reputable agency) and start to enjoy your life without the constant invasions of privacy or the constant negative comments from your mother. You won't stop her completely, even if you do move out, but hopefully the independance you will gain will give you the strength to either stand up to her or allow you to find a way to stop her comments biting so deeply. You don't say what your boyfriend's living arrangements are or whether you could live with him, but even if he has his own place and could take you in, I would seriously, seriously advise against it right now. It would cause more stresses on your relationship and deny you the privacy and independance that I (and hopefully other here) feel would do wonders for you and your self esteem. If in the future you stay together and grow to a point in your relationship where it is the right thing for you to do to live together and/or marry then that will be wonderful, but in the meantime, seek your own place, find your own feet, and prove to your mother and the world that you are stronger than they (and possibly you) believe, that you can take care of yourself and handle the bumps in the road of life. Also, by having your own independance (even just for a little while) you will know that should any co-habiting relationship of the future come to an end you can and will take care of yourself just fine.I wish you well, sweetheart, and hope that you are able to find your wings and soar above the clouds that others try and surround you with so you can really feel the sun.Take care and good luck.Kitty (UK)
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A
female
reader, sandbox +, writes (30 June 2008):
Let me start by saying that no I don't think you were wrong and I do think your mother may be overreacting... but I think the biggest problem here is your lack of privacy. But you can't really complain about that as I am assuming you are still living in your mothers house! But that can be remedied very easily... move out..... Hope this helps!
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A
male
reader, mustaine6  +, writes (29 June 2008):
Your mum is a b*tch. end of story. you have done nothing wrong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): i can c wat u mean, my mother isn't quite as bad but she does get mad so easy and then says she dosn't.
She has no right to b goin through ur stuff or run ur life.
Ur 20 and u can basicaly do wat u want (accept for comiting crimes, lol) tell her ur an adult and she cant run ur life.
Hope this helps :)
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 June 2008):
 Everything comes in a full circle . It is called Karma.
Whether she has a right to be mad at you or not ,only time will tell.
Put yourself in her shoes and see from her perspective.
If you cannot accept it , it does not mean that you are right or she is wrong.
She comes from another generations which see things differently.
It is just another perspective about the same incident.
If you live with her , you live under her rules.
You can do whatever you want when you are independent of her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): Sorry your in this situation..... Controlling mother's are one of life's saddest things. Of course she's wrong, she has no right to treat you like this. Your well over the age of consent and have choosen to loose your virginity with a guy you love and who is still with you, and tries to support you.
As long as you live under her roof there is little that you can do. She will never change, not even when your happily married with children. She is unhappy with her life, and seeks to take out her pain on you. You need to see things in a different light. Instead of getting angry with her, like she does with you, try to understand the pain she feels. Imagine, her daughter is having sex and having fun... Ahhhhh....Her daughter has a life of her own....Ahhhhhh...... Imagine your mother, her life so lacking in excitement, on her knees with her head stuck right inside your closet, looking for all your secrets. She may be traditional, but she aint that old, this is the 21st century after all. Did she miss the feminist revolution. Women can get contraception now because we have been liberated. Try not to get angry, she loves you, this you know. She is just an interfering old bat who has too much time on her hands. Ignore her, anybody that hears this story, including the rest of your family, will think her strange for snooping in your wardrobe to find your secrets. She's one unhappy woman, live your life, and pity the fact that she has nothing better to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): I agree witht the other two comments.
You have every right to be mad at her for snooping through your room and reading personal letter which you had written. She invaded your privacy and broke trust bonds. There's no way you are a slut... You've waited until you were 20 to have sex... waited until it was the right person and it felt right... and only slept with one man.
I can see that your mum is probably just shocked and no mother would like to think about their presious daughter having sex (as most people wouldn't like to think of their mother and father having sex)... But this is the 21st century. You need to live your life the way you want to... You are responcible adult and you can do as you please.
Be assertive with your mother. You don't need to take her puttng you down.
Good Luck. xxx Emivia.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 June 2008):
 I agree with Annalisa. All I can add is that mothers worry about pregnancies, too. That said, if you want to sleep with someone, nobody can tell you not to.
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A
male
reader, Hench +, writes (28 June 2008):
After reading your story, I have to say, I feel a lot of sympathy for you.
A direct answer to your question would be, 'No' your mother does not have a right to be mad at you for losing your virginity at 20. Past the age of 18, you should have the right to make all your own decisions in life, and your parents should let you experience every aspect of life, letting you make your own mistakes and achievements, and supporting and congratulating you through them.
However, it is always a common for every mother to be concerned over that daughters health and well being, no matter their age, or maturity. Maybe you should sit your mother down and discuss the matters with her, try and reason with her before things spiral out of control...
Anyways, I wish you, your boyfriend, and your mother the best of luck, and I hope this advice will help you in sorting out your issues.
'In Life You Gotta Take Risks'
Peace Out :)
Liam x x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): Hello honey,doesn't sound like a very nice situation that you are in, your mother has no right to be mad at you, you are a grown women who is capable of making your own choices in life. Have you tried sitting down with her and explaining that your happy and all the names that she has been calling you and the fact she has been going through your stuff hurts you. maybe you both need to talk your feeling through, maybe she finds it hard realising that her little girl has grown up.
If that doesn't work maybe you should consider moving out, you shouldn't have to put up with this, your mum should be supportive and happy for you. Please don't feel guilty or bad, you have done nothing wrong-you are 20 years old if you want to have sex, it's your choice not your mothers-you are entitled to be happy and have a happy life of your own.
Take care
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