A
female
age
51-59,
*ooty70
writes:Been married 12 years and sex has always been a problem almost from the beginning.When we were dating I had a higher sex drive and was frustrated about the quality and quantity of sex, although when I married him I reasoned that it would be easier to deal with a man with a lower sex drive than one that was demanding, so I accepted it, as he other qualities that I liked.After having 1st child my libido dropped a bit but we still had sex and I expected that he would accommodate me like I did with his low libido.Fast-forward to today, 12 years later, I found out that he had been cheating on me with other women for over 5 years. This I found out about 2 years ago and as far as I know he has stopped this.He seems to only want oral sex again. The other night he said he would put on a blue movie to get me interested in giving him oral. I said why dont you do something to get me interested. I said you just lie there like a log and expect me to give you oral and you dont do anything for me.He turned his back and said "forget it". I pushed the issue and asked him why he doesnt do anything to please me. He never comes and kisses me or any sort of foreplay, just him wanting oral sex. He said I was attacking him and that he didnt want to talk about it and said I just wanted a conflict. I was trying to communicate with him about this issue and he got sulky and defensive and switched off then accused me of wanting to cause an argument.So problems with him and sex have always been there. I just wonder if he is selfish or gets bored with sex with the same woman or cheated to prove to himself that he can still get other women interested in him, or knew that I was unhappy with our sex life so he found it easier to have uncomplicated sex with other women??????Any ideas about if he has the hang-up with sex or me?
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foreplay, libido, oral sex, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, HoneyComb  +, writes (6 October 2011):
One last thing....be patient and hang on for a potentially rough ride. His initial reaction to a new woman in the house (you) may not be at all what you expect. Your new behavior will be foreign to him and create suspicion. He may brush off your advances. If he acts like he's not interested he's just protecting his ego. The rejection can be very humiliating, but don't take it personal and, whatever you do, don't cry. Suck it up and walk away knowing you're one step closer to making a difference. It's taken twelve years to get to this point ... it will take a LOT of time and patience to turn things around. I know you care, so don't give up.
God bless! And please keep me updated.
A
female
reader, HoneyComb +, writes (6 October 2011):
For whatever reason he thinks you're not interested and unapproachable. You and I grew up in a world where we learned nice girls don't dress sexy or touch our bodies...and to keep our hands to ourselves (personally, I wouldn't initiate sex because I didn't want him to get the wrong idea about me). Men are simple and sex shouldn't be so complicated. I know he wants hot sex with you, but he thinks he can't please you. He doesn't know what to do or how to do it. That's where you come in...tell him AND show him. Funny isn't it...how we expect our husbands to just "know" what to do after so many years?It's time to drop your defenses and, hard as it may be, work on putting trust back into your relationship. He's your husband, so give him every reason to come running home to you each and every day! Greet him with a smile and ease up on your expectations. And, most of all do things that make you feel good and sexy, too! Whether it's exercising, changing your hair and makeup, wearing sexy lingerie all the time (makes you feel naughty without others knowing), or all of the above.Give, and it shall be given unto you!
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A
female
reader, Sooty70 +, writes (6 October 2011):
Sooty70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneyComb, I guess what I was trying to articulate in my previous reply was that I am not skilled in the art of seduction or knowing how to make a man feel special. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, Sooty70 +, writes (6 October 2011):
Sooty70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your your time and thoughtfulness in answering my question. He did say to me that he asks me for oral sex and he doesnt do anything to/for me because I never ask for it. So he has it figured out in his mind that if he wants sex he asks as I never show initiative, therefore he never starts anything with me because I dont ask. Make sense?He has always just wanted oral sex and this is where the marriage got into trouble because that is all he ever wanted and usual sex was short and boring.Yes we went to marriage counselling, but here we are still with this sex issue.Also said that there is too much drama involved in me giving him oral so he will never ask for it again. And HoneyComb your suggestions are exactly the things that I think he expects from a woman. It just shows that there are women out there like you who seem to know what to do to please a man and make him feel special, whereas I have been lacking in these skills and your response has pointed out to me a different way of dealing with him.And so it makes me realise that if I left him and he got another woman, she could do the things like you suggest and that would make him happy. Different women have different approaches and know how to make a man feel special. I guess I failed in this and this is why he has labeled me a man-hater and why he found other women to make him feel good. Anyway, thank you all again for your responses and for opening my eyes to the different ways you would approach this situation.
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A
female
reader, HoneyComb +, writes (5 October 2011):
Wow, I could have written this book. We've been together over 25 years and my guy still doesn't get it. When you express your needs, doee he get pissed off and storm off? If so, he sees your commments as personal criticism. Does this sound familiar "I'm the same person you married twelve years ago. I haven't changed and I'm not going to start now"? If so, he'll continue to resist anything that isn't his idea. Here is what has helped me. Dole out compliments and express appreciation for all he does, even if it seems insignificant. Thank him for carrying your dishes into the kitchen, picking out the restaurant, mowing the lawn. When you pass and his arm brushes yours, tell him how good it feels. Show him what feels good to you. After a shower, rub lotion over your stark naked body standing right in front of him spend extra time on your breasts. Be unpredictable and join him in the shower and give him oral without provocation. Buy don't finish. Leave him wanting more! Keep complimenting and teasing. I feel you've fallen into habits and you're both a little stubborn. Be a pioneer, take the lead and get back what you deserve
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (5 October 2011):
 Did the two of you ever have any couples counseling after the cheating came out?
Did you tell him how that made you feel? More importantly, did he HEAR you? Is it possible there are still unresolved issues/emotions from the past infidelities?
Did he ever figure out WHY he sought outside his marriage for sexual fulfillment?
You are validated to feel the way you do for his boarish approach to "service" him. Congrats for standing up for yourself and point out that you are a couple and fullfillment is a MUTUAL experience.
You were not attacking him, you were confronting him and he ran from the conflict and the ugly truth.
Was it productive? Nope. That is why it might be time to get into counseling, especially with someone who has experience with dysfunctions and intimacy issues.
You want to be a couple. He just wants to get off.
Sometimes, that is FINE if you are already satisfied in general as a couple in and out of the bedroom. In this case, your hubby is just being a selfish jerk.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (5 October 2011):
 You have a valid reason to be upset. It saddens me that you even question yourself in this situation. If your husband wants oral sex and does nothing to please you, it is a huge red flag. Was he always this selfish, or is this a new occurrences? Likewise, has he usually been this defensive and immature when presented with an issue? You openly addressed your concerns, wanting to talk about it, but he shut it down and accused you of wanting drama.If my partner were to do and say that to me, he would be out the door, so don't feel as if you're wrong here. Your partner sounds like a selfish ass, who has zero concern over your sexual gratification. No only that, but he is too selfish and disinterested to even listen and talk about your issues. If you don't have a forum where the two of you can come together and talk/fix problems, then you have a relationship problem, not just a sexual one.
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