A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I love my best friend, she's like my sister when we hang out but her parents are so controlling, I feel like she trapped. when we were little my friend discovered she had cancer, we were only about 5 at the time but i remember it very clearly, she recovered but as we didnt attend the same school we fell out of touch, i met her again about 5 years and we've been best friends ever since. When we hang out we have a good time and usually don't need anyone else to hang with us, though because she had cancer in her leg it means she cant do sports, so throughout school it was mostly difficult, she didnt do PE whch left me alone most of the time, we have other friends but we are not that close with them, usually its just the two of us, we joke about us being the loners of school. I used to go roller skating with other friends which she didnt come to, also the place is out of town and she parents wont let her go, even though we're 16. AS well they're a little bit strapped for cash so we dont go out much, usually its my house as i dont get on with her dad. Her dad hates me and makes me feel uncomfortable whenever i go round her house. I invited her on holiday with me twice with a couple of others and my parents, her parents wont let her go again even though she was going to get a job to pay for it. She often says how her parents love her brother more (not as a joke) and my mum suggested that maybe her dad was being abusive (apparently he called her fat, and she definately not) as i've seen him violent once (he didnt hit anyone he tried to brake down a door cause her brother wouldnt open it). She seems to never want to go against him, and i find him quite intimidating, they never let her go anywhere to far and she has never stayed out over 6pm (only round my house for sleepovers). Sometimes i think he hates me because I live in quite a nice house. but as we've grown up we've become different people with different places we want to go, i want kids, she doesn't, i want to go to uni, she doesn't. We listen to different music. Sometimes its very hard to be her friend because of her family and now i feel we are growing apart, i have been thinking about studying elsewhere for my a levels and feel we might fall apart if i do. But she's my best friend, my sister, but sometimes i feel like a loner cause i get to see her less and less, and now dont even have alot of other friends so i'm quite alone. So apart of me wants to go to this new school, meet new people, but another part feels i'd be abandoning her, especially since her dad is such a soul crushing person. I've encouraged her to come with me, but it's quite far and i dont think her dad will let her go (she was quite excited to go until she spoke with her dad). I really want her to move out, my mum would be happy to let her live here. I really dont know whats going, does my best friend have an abusive dad? Should i go to this new school and potentially leave her? I don't know how to approach the subject of her dad, but if i did, what should i say? Please help i know this was long. thanks
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female
reader, crummyscreenname  +, writes (31 October 2011):
that's a really tough situation. at the end of the day, though, you have to do what's right for you- you can't sacrifice your whole future. But you can show your freind taht you care about her and are concerned, and try to help her. You could try saying somnething like: I've noticed your dad gets really mad sometimes. It's kind of scary. What do you do when he gets really mad? How do you deal with it? Are you ever scared? Are you ok there? Are you safe? Obviously this would be a gentle conversation where you really pay a lot of attention to her answers and give her a lot of time to answer each question, not an interrogation. Be casual, but concerned, try to let her guide the conversation as much as possible while still getting the info you need. If she says anything that worries you, indicates that she may be unsafe, or whatever, you may need to tell a trusted teacher, parent or whoever to call the authorities. Encourage her to be honest and to go somewhere safe if it's a dangerous situation. However, some parents are all bark and no bite, so don't assume the worst unless you're sure.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2011): maybe you should sit down and talk to her and make sure she knows your there for her if she wants to talk dont let her feel alone xx
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (31 October 2011):
 You are the type of friend that every girl needs. You are caring, kind and thoughtful!! She is lucky to have you. HOWEVER... I believe that everyone on this planet has their own path to walk. You can never protect her from her controlling parents. You are just not in a position to.. you are still very young and have to build your own life. Sort of like on a plane when they tell you to put your gas mask on first before assisting others?? Go to the new school, make new friends and have a good time but keep in contact with her. You will be a very big inspiration to her. If she sees your success she might strive to fight for herself... Good luck hunny xx
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