A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm engaged. I became friends with a fellow colleague. He's definitely a bad boy and I've been trying my hardest to stop all connection with him. At first it was harmless I thought and we would just spend short breaks together because we have a lot in common. I became friends with him before I became engaged. We would talk on office chat and he would flirt with me more than I would flirt back. And my fiancé (boyfriend at the time ) found out through messages from my friend on my Facebook. He hated me for a little while and I hates myself too. And we both realized that we needed to fix things on order to make out relationship work. I slowly started ignoring my colleague more and more (it was hard at first because he's very attractive) and then eventually we stopped talking all together. I blocked him from Facebook too. When we completely stopped talking, my fiancé and I's relationship became true strongest ever. The spark had come back sexually and emotionally. My colleague and I haven't spoke in about 2 months ( except for short 'heys' when we pass by in the hallway) and about two weeks ago he sits in front of me and he's been staring at me so much I notice his eyes on me.. I try to ignore it though. Recently I had a short convo with him just passing by. Very cordial, he asked how I was and I asked how he was.. Nothing inappropriate. And then the other day he office chats me and calls me by a short form of my name, ( which only some ppl in my life do) and says why are you on the phone all the time? This was right after he walked by my desk. He's always passing by at my desk but i always seem to be on the phone when he does. Do you think he has bad intentions ? Ps he has a girlfriend he has never mentioned, unless I specifically ask and he's still very short about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): If he has a GF, and you have a Fiance why are you wasting your time even thinking about this guy? Leave him alone. Be polite when you're at work and you see him. But don't wonder. Don't flirt with him. The only think he wants if he is doing this when he knows you're in a relationship, and he is in a relationship is sex. All he wants is to have sex with the pretty naive little girl in the office. You two will not end up together if you cheat on your fiance with him. He will keep his GF and you will be left with nothing. Just let it go. You have a man who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Don't waste your time thinking and wondering about the loser at the office who will screw up everything you've got going with your future hubby.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): Hes just having fun. But he can also see you enjoy the attention. I think you may have more weight on this than he.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): I didn't call you a slut, I said what you've written makes you sound like a gushing school girl.
Nice attempt at a deflection though, OP. I mean if I was so wrong then why the fury and leaping to conclusions? You really are very heavily emotionally invested in this colleague it seems to get so defensive about him. So heavily invested in him your sex life suffered and you became emotionally distant. So heavily invested the only reason you found it hard to ignore him was how hot you think he is. Has he suddenly become ugly?
I said what everyone else said, just a little more colourfully.
Show your fiancé your question see what he says. Let him know bad boy colleague is calling you by your short name again and starting to have chats with you again, let him know how hard it is for you to ignore the guy because he's so damn attractive, let him know you can only "try". If it's so innocent he won't mind reading it and finding that stuff out.
Anyway, good luck with your "trying" and I was right, OP, there's no such thing as trying. Only doing. You either don't let him get that close again or you do. Trying isn't going to be enough to save your relationship if you let him worm his way back in.
I don't have to try not to get close to a beautiful woman other than my wife, I just don't let it happen, never have, never will. You see OP you talk about morals, well morals take fortitude and fortitude is not letting things happen. There is no "trying" in fortitude, and letting bad shit happen is as bad as doing it yourself if you don't use your fortitude to stop it.
The point of my first post was a slap in the face to say stop, because you're right back onto that slippery slope again and I wanted you to face that fact.
Because while you like to say you'd never cheat, those messages the first time where cheating, OP. You don't have to fuck a person or kiss them to cheat you know. Flirting with him online and in person enough to wreck your relationship is cheating.
When it comes to relationships, it's do or don't do. Trying never solved a thing. "I tried" is the oldest cop out there is and only a fool would accept that as an excuse.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 April 2014):
 You ask if this guy has BAD intentions.. it shouldn't matter. YOUR intentions are the one that matter. YOUR BF intentions are the ones that matter... not some hot stud at the office.
Keep being professional and stop wondering what this colleague is thinking. It shouldn't matter. HE shouldn't matter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus, you obviously had a girl hurt you before, because you're way over embellishing everything. Congrats on your imagination though, you could write a story about a girl who seems nothing like me. I'm a very moral person who doesn't sleep around, my fiancé is the only person I've ever slept with and it disgusts me to think of sleeping with someone else. So Cerberus. I'm not a slut despite your theory of every girl being a slut. I'm not one of those girls who twirls their hair and rly is a natural flirt. I've always been a tom boy. So Cerberus not every girl is the way you depict them to be. Honestly the only thing I can think of ever doing with this guy is an innocent kiss. Which i won't because I've put my guard up. I'm a nice person who doesn't like being mean to people, just wanted to see others opinions and thanks everyone for your realistic mature responses.. And reminding me I'm only human but to avoid this person.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 April 2014):
 Bad boys generaly have bad intentions :)...
What intentions do YOU have ? Of cheating on your fiance ' ??...
No ? No no no ? Cross your heart etc. ?
Then you don't need to worry. Mind your business, don't flirt or flirt back, be polite if he says hi as you would to any other colleague,-that's all. His intentions do not concern you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): If you cared about your relationship and your fiance, If you wanted to give 100% to your relationship, you wouldn't even entertain nurthuring flirtatious relationships with people you're attracted to. That is how cheating starts. You cheated your fiance out of that emotional intimacy and lust with all the emotional effort you invested in this friend.Evidence? As soon as he left the picture, your emotional and sexual relationship with your fiance improved.Conclusion - you are not 100% invested in your relationship with your fiance. Or you are too immature to understand how inappropriate and disloyal your actions are. Either way, I wouldn't put that ring on your finger just yet OP, you either have some growing up to do or some reflection about what a committed marriage is.
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female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (24 April 2014):
 "When we completely stopped talking, my fiancé and I's relationship became true strongest ever. The spark had come back sexually and emotionally."Isn't this a good thing? You already know his intentions because you know he's a "bad boy". Ask yourself: would a bad boy have good intentions? There you go. I get the feeling what you're really trying to ask us is if it's okay to start talking to him again. The answer is no. Not if you want things to work out with your fiance. Your words I quoted above prove that. That says when he's around, you don't feel as close to your fiance. So in knowing this, the real question is, what are YOUR intentions toward him? It's okay to find others attractive, but you're responsible for how you handle those attractions. Blocking him on Facebook was a good move. However, it means nothing if you're just going to think about him all the time and wonder if he likes you. And by wondering what his intentions are, that IS what you're doing. Whether you'll admit it or not. And I'm sure he does, but guess what? He "likes" a lot of other girls as well. He's a bad boy, after all. He doesn't mention his girlfriend and answers any questions about her as shortly as possible, because he has every intention of being unfaithful to her. Trust me, this attraction you have for him will pass (if you keep staying away from him). "Grass is greener" syndrome can be a powerful thing, but recognize it for what it is, and don't fall for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): I don't see what his intentions have to do with anything unless you want to know because the idea excites you a little.
I mean you're supposedly "trying your hardest" to break contact and yet here you are gushing like a school girl asking whether the cute boy likes her.
That's how you sound, OP, it sound like you're gushing about this "very attractive" (your words) guy because he's paying a little extra attention again.
I mean I'm picturing you twirling your hair, gazing at him with a deep sigh.
Sounds to me like this is starting all over again, nice and slowly, bit by bit and now you're even gushing over him and wondering if he has "naughty" intentions, because he's an naughty bad boy, you want to do naughty things to you.
Nothing inappropriate my ass. Read what you've written and tell me those are not the words of a woman who dreams about her sexy colleague doing her on her desk.
Best of luck, OP, and mostly to your partner. Your "best" is obviously not working, just look at the detail you go into gushing over this man to the point where you wonder if he has a girlfriend. Funnily enough this guy is also linked to your sexual performance with your partner. Weird huh? you became hornier for him when your colleague was out of the picture. Didn't last very long though, and now you melt every time he calls you your pet name. You probably know the exact number of "hey's" he's said to you this week too.
Deny it all you want, OP, it's as clear as day you have a major boner for your colleague and now you're going to build on that again like you did last time. You see if you didn't, you wouldn't actually care. None of these things you wonder would matter and you certainly wouldn't need to go ask safe people their opinions on an internet forum.
Tell you what, ask your partner all this. He's probably met the guy, he'd know better than us what his intentions are, hell he might even find out if he has a girlfriend for you too.
OP cut the shit, either you're rid of him or you're not, there's no "trying". Stop playing games with this guy, it doesn't matter what his intentions are, being around him fucks up your sex life, ruins the emotional connection with your fiancé because even if his intentions are completely innocent, the effect of your desire for him will still matter. Let it go.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 April 2014):
 You say he's a "bad boy" and then ask if he has bad intentions? Who cares? You shouldn't. Aren't you taken, engaged, spoken for? Haven't you already gone through relationship turmoil because of your lack of … I'll call them "boundaries."
It could be that you are only young and just aren't really ready to be engaged. It could be that you are only young and do love your fiancee like crazy but are so confused.
It could be that you are really flirty and like attention and what not.
It could be that this guy is your boss and you don't want to lose your job.
The tone of this post is that you are engaged but super attracted to this colleague and like that he's come back after you ignored him.
I would not invest in the pension plan at your workplace. You don't sound mature enough to manage that investment at this point and you could wind up losing everything if this guy is your boss and he's in charge of your employment there.
Woman. Yes, you. Wise up, you are thinking with your hormones. Leave that to the men now, mkay?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): You act like you expected it all to be innocent, but you said "I slowly started ignoring my colleague more and more (it was hard at first because he's very attractive" which suggests that there was a part of you enjoying how far it was going before your boyfriend found out.
It doesn't matter if he has bad intentions - you can't be friends with him. You're either too naive to be engaged (because you need to understand that this isn't acceptable when you're this serious about your partner to call them fiancée) or part of you still wants attention from your colleague.
Please, if you want to marry your fiancée, stop all conversation with your colleague that isn't ONLY about work.
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