A
female
age
41-50,
*eckv80
writes:So I was in a fwb relationship recently for about two months. We began to become very close. We both ended it mutually last week and agreed to be friends still. We work together so it's very hard to deal with. He's completely avoiding me now. Is it possible he has feelings he is trying to get over? We used to email all the time and see each other once or twice a week and now it's like we don't even talk. Just dot know why he is doing this? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): OP, sometimes to make a point; posts change as we go.
People redirect the story; and it suddenly has turns that weren't in the original story.
If details are added for clarification; logically, I should adjust my advice accordingly.
If new comments contradict what is originally said in the original post; then I suspect there may be a smidgen of embellishment, or slant on the facts. You can't change the story, and contradict your own question.
You're not worried about losing a friend. You're concerned that you're losing the prospect of him becoming your boyfriend.
He's worried that you're now expecting more; and will not even talk to you. He must have put his foot in his mouth.
Maybe had just one too many sips of wine, and it just slipped out the wrong way.
The original post gives no indication that he "said" he is "getting attached." If he said so; why are you asking if he has feelings for you? That's what most people interpret as feelings.
He's seems to be making an effort to "detach" those feelings.
I just have this gut feeling he may have said something in the heat of passion; or perhaps during one of those moments when two people are having a good time; and he uttered something to that effect. You had feelings for him before you ever became friends with benefits. I would assume your goal was to keep him around; and use sex if you had to.
Well, he now wants to avoid you. He's not remaining friends on any other terms; because he knows there will be strings attached. So he's, in-effect, weaning you off. Putting it all in reverse.
I still believe he has another interest; and you are the one who got too attached.
Regardless, he is the one making the most effort to avoid any commitment.
So as I said before. Save yourself the heartbreak over a man who is not your boyfriend.
So play the game by his rules; so you won't continue falling for him, and he doesn't reciprocate the feelings.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 April 2014):
 Sorry, I seem to keep on adding my thoughts.
"Ben, when you say you are 'attached' to me, what does that mean? I could take it many ways, so you'll have to be more specific."
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 April 2014):
And to elaborate on the "attached" thing. If he said he was "attached" to you, that means he would most likely not leave you stranded on the side of the road with a flat tire, but he would also not introduce you to his parents as his intended wife.
If he said he was "attached" to someone else, well, that means that he's not available for you.
OP, don't be afraid to ask for an elaboration on a statement. "Ben, what do you mean by 'attached'? Are we in it together forever or is it more that I make you feel good at this point in time and you would help me change a tire?"
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 April 2014):
Ah, so you did have feelings beyond 'friends' for him? And he said he was 'attached,' presumably to someone else?
Becky, you are 30-35, if you want to date someone, then date him. If he's not interested or available enough to date you, take him off the list and move on.
Don't settle, okay?
Now, you are probably feeling emotionally vulnerable and somehow like you were played and uncertain. So, what do you do next?
You woman up. You show up for work, you do your thing, you don't email him and you most certainly do not look for him around the office or on social media.
Block him from your feed, take his number out of your phone, you don't have to unfriend him or delete him, just don't obsess on him, okay?
It was a 2 month thing, consider this a life lesson, be grateful for it, when you look back on this in 5 year's time, you'll be happy you experienced it.
This may be what you needed to get specific and not settle for less…. just sayin'.
Now then, how is that retirement plan looking? Solid? Healthy? What if you changed tack and went to another workplace?
Okay, now that I have diverted your thought process, I'm going to reinforce something. "We work together so it's very hard to deal with." You choices, as you now have made them are to find a way to work with him effectively without letting the emotional baggage drag you down, or to just go back to that point where you were before you were FWB, or to find a new job or hope that he finds a new job. If he laid a nice trail of stalking and come ons via email then you could try to get him for sexual harassment but this doesn't sound like it.
So, now that the choices are out there, which one sounds like the one that will work for you?
Go be brave, woman up, you are 30-35 for heaven's sake, find your courage and your moxie!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): It was completely stupid of me to get involved with him. I guess when it ended I still expected to be friends which we are clearly not right now. He did say he was attached so maybe it's his way of moving on , avoiding me. I care because I do feel connection and have feelings for him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 April 2014):
It's a readjustment period. Maybe part of the impetus for him to mutually agree to the breakup was that he felt like it was too much like dating and he just wanted to have the B without too much of the F.
It's also possible that he's met someone else and just wants to cut it clean so he can date her without too much drama.
FWB isn't meant to be a lasting lifelong situation, what did you discuss as you got into it?
And why would you ever get into a FWB with a co-worker? That's not wise, if you thought ahead you should have recognized that FWB is a temporary thing.
If you are finding it difficult to deal with then learn the lessons that this situation is teaching you. Don't get involved with a co-worker if you can't deal with the end of the relationship. Don't imagine that there is more to a FWB relationship than some mild F associated with B.
My guess is that he's now avoiding you because he senses you were getting too close and he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. I expect there is probably someone else already in the picture.
FWB relationships appear here on DC as problems usually for the woman.
If you want a boyfriend, then don't settle for FWB. Now that you know that FWB doesn't work for you, don't agree to one. Don't get into a relationship with a man at work unless you are prepared for the aftermath of a breakup with that man.
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (24 April 2014):
 No, I don't think he has the deep feelings of connection that you want him to have. You both ended the FWB arrangement, so for him it's over. If he did have feelings for you, he would not have ended it and he would have told you he had feelings for you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): OP you decided to end the "closeness" in terms of sexually and emotionally. The two are very much linked. It's possible he had feelings, it's also possible he thinks you have or he's pissed he's lost the sex on tap.
OP just because you both agree to something doesn't always make it mutual, but whatever the case the awkwardness is normal.
I mean you said it yourself it's "very hard to deal with", doesn't it make sense then that things would be awkward?
Seems like this was more than casual for you, OP, is that why you "mutually" decided to end it?
Because that's the only time I found the end of casual flings hard to deal with, they were only hard because they weren't really casual anymore.
OP, deal with it as best you can and give him time to adjust, give yourself more time to deal with this too. Don't read anything into the awkwardness, it's normal. Things were not just going to stay the way they were because most of that closeness came from the bond you created through physical intimacy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): Why are you so "concerned" if he has feelings for you if it was only friends with benefits?
Maybe he's avoiding YOUR feelings.
The longer you carry-on any relationship with someone; it goes one of two ways. It either gets closer; or you pull apart.
He apparently wants the relationship to stay on casual terms; without too much emotional attachment. He may have enjoyed sex without commitment. He wants the milk; but he doesn't want to buy the cow. No negative implications; this metaphorically speaking.
He is going out of his way for it to remain that way; that's why he is avoiding any contact with you.
He may also be interested in someone else; and he can't be on intimate terms with you while pursuing a romantic interest.
Do yourself a favor, and just get used to not seeing him around; and pursue other romantic-interests, before you find yourself feeling heartbroken over a man who isn't your boyfriend. If you weren't romantically-attached; seeing him
shouldn't bother you that much. You're still friends.
Good luck!
...............................
|
