A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So my husband and I live here in England, but his family still live in Ireland so he goes over there a few times a year. Sometimes I go with him depending on if I can get time off work or not. He’s planning to go over in November but I won’t be going. Anywho, last night we were watching TV and he asked me how long he should go over for, 1 week or 2, and I held up 2 fingers and then when he turned to look at me put down one finger. He then asked if I actually want him to go for 2 weeks, and I said “go for as long as you want”. There was no hostility to my words, I just meant it as “go for one week, if you want. Go for 2 weeks, if you want”, and he said he’ll think about it. Then a few minutes later I moved in closer for us to cuddle up and he said something about “oh now you want to be with me” I asked what he meant by that but he didn’t say anything, and I was just getting a general sense that he didn’t want to cuddle so I moved away and then managed to get a proper look at his face and realised he was mad. I asked why and he said that he doesn’t know why I’d want him to go away for longer, referring to when I’d jokingly held up 2 fingers meaning 2 weeks. I was about to defend myself and tell him I was only joking, but he cut me off with “don’t tell me you were joking either”. I felt like he was being completely ridiculous but I ended up trying to apologise just in case it did come across worse then I’d meant it to, and then he said that he’s fed up of this relationship and that I disrespect him. I’m really confused as to where the disrespect was in this situation. Someone help me please. Does it sound like I disrespected him or is he overreacting a little bit?
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (14 August 2019):
His reaction is ridiculous. There was no disrespect here. You were supporting his wish to spend whatever time he wants to with his family. What could possibly be wrong with that?
If he’s saying that he is fed up with your relationship, the issue isn’t about a 2-week holiday. That’s a smokescreen. Where you have intended to make a simple comment about him following his preference, he’s heard many additional messages in that about your attitude to him and to this relationship. The only thing you can do now is talk to him about why he reacted that way. Explain your intensions and your confusion about why an attempt to be considerate met with such a reaction. I would also not let his comments about being fed up with the relationship slide. I think that here is the real key to figuring out what’s going on. Nothing can be sorted if you aren’t talking about things together, or if one of you is in the dark that the other is unhappy.
That reaction was not normal. It’s definitely a warning that something is amiss.
I wish you all the very best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2019): Personally, I think he's being petty. Maybe it hurt his feelings to think you might not miss him for so long; but insecurity might draw that conclusion, or pettiness. Take your pick, or both.
My advice? Just leave it alone. The behavior is immature, and to dwell on it will only blow it completely out of proportion. Deep-inside, maybe you could use some me-time and some peace and quite. Not have to pickup after him, and stress about petty little squabbles. He's lucky you didn't show only the middle-finger.
How do you think he would have reacted if you suggested only one week? Would he then feel you were placing time-restrictions on his visit? Come-on...seriously?!!
Let it pass!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 August 2019):
 Like Honeypie, I suspect there is background to this that you have not mentioned. I would suspect you are going/have gone through some sort of crisis in your relationship and he is feeling insecure, hence feeling you were wanting him to stay away as long as possible.
I think you need to stop apologizing, because you did not purposely upset him. Instead you need to sit him down and ask him WHY he feels so insecure. TALK to each other. It's the only way through this.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 August 2019):
 You sound like a very sensitive and caring individual who would apologize before an argument starts. So the problem must not be you. Your husband must be going so some sort of crisis that he hasn't talked about. He has some kind of insecurity that people don't want to be around him. It doesn't sound like he would be in high spirits to visit his family. Definitely find out what's wrong with him.
Often people don't know how to express what's bothering them, so they blame their emotional issues on other people.
This is not joking matter. Acknowledge this is serious to him but you could only understand him better if he opens his heart to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 August 2019):
 It sounds like you two talked PAST each other.
You said two weeks (probably) to make him feel that it's OK for him to go visit family without you.
He took it as you want him gone for as long as possible. And I have to wonder why.
You two need to ACTUALLY talk.
There is something ELSE going on that he is annoyed and upset about. THIS was just the "thing" that set him off.
Instead of making this into a drama, TELL him:" I'd want you to feel like you can visit your family for as long as you NEED because I KNOW it's important to you. And since I can't always come with you, I don't want you to think I EITHER just want you gone or that you can't go visit." In your own words of course.
My guess is there is something else going on here. That HE hasn't mentioned until now.
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