A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a man married to a woman who loves me unconditionally. I have put my wife through a terrible heartache when I cheated on her twice with my ex. My wife was devastated, heartbroken and depressed and wanted to end our marriage, but she decided to forgive me for my betrayal and we went to counselling. My cheating resulted in possibly fathering my ex's son. I never really had a connection with him but I used to do my part and I treated him with love and care as my own since he is an innocent child. His mother on the other hand, she has disrespected my wife on many occasions. I love my wife dearly and I know I myself have disrespected and dishonored my wife but my ex goes far and beyond telling my wife lies about us. She would tell my wife we are still having sex and we are not. She would say I am begging her to be with me and that I get angry when she talks about being with someone else. I literally could care less about her being in another relationship. She even begged me to end my marriage with my wife and to put her and our children out of our home so she and her son could come and live at our (my) house. I told my ex what I did was a terrible choice I made and that I love my wife. But she always tries to stir up drama. She calls my phone constantly all hours of the night even if it doesn't concern HER son. I finally did a paternity test and he is not my biological child. I am tired of this woman and just want her out of my life, but how do I treat with the child? He only knows me as his father. He is only 6 years old. How do you treat with letting a child know someone is not their father? For 16 years I thought one man was my dad only to find out he wasn't. I was really hurting after finding out the man I thought was my father wasn't. So in my opinion the child deserves to know who is his father because sometimes teenagers may turn out to be rebellious in situations like his. Also, since this woman is so toxic, how do you suggest I still play a roll in the child's life?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 August 2019):
 Oh I don't think Anon is wrong. I don't think it will work out the way anon wants, but I do understand the ideal.
A note about fairness. In fairness my inheritance from my parents could be twice what it is if they hadn't adopted 4 teenagers after grew up. In fairness they would have more time for my kids, if there were less grandkids.
Hold on I'm not using my mothers definition am I. in equality these things would be true, but my parents are being fair to all of their children. Not just the biological set.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 August 2019):
 I'd say ANON has a different point of view and that IS the whole point of SC. Different points of view to help the various OP's figure out what path there are to choose from.
And in a sense, I TOTALLY understand what ANON is suggesting. As OP is (for now) NOT legally bound to mother OR child.
LEGALLY that CAN still happen. Because he DID financially resume responsibility without a DNA test. Which is WHY OP really should contact a lawyer FIRST and foremost. Secondly he SHOULD talk to his about about a solution and choice.
If he has just been the "mother's" BF, he would also have been a father-figure for years and I see MANY man who DO NOT remain in contact with kids they practically RAISED for years, after the relationship OR marriage falls apart. Some men do, some don't. There is no rules set in stone. It IS up to the OP to navigate (with his WIFE) which direction he chooses to go.
Morally, we might think the KID should come first. But if that means your marriage and family will be irrevocably damaged that might NOT be the "best" choice for the OP and family.
The "mother" has USED this child for 6 YEARS to manipulate OP, to emotionally BLACKMAIL him and play hurtful mind-games with the wife - I can EASILY see the choice of saying, SORRY I wash my hands, as an option.
I CAN also see an option where there are set up some STRICT boundaries for the SAKE of this kid.
It only takes some DNA in a splat of sperm to FATHER a child, but being a DAD takes a LOT more.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (16 August 2019):
Anon,
We are not here to answer your objections. And we have already answered your objections.
It could be very interesting to untangle the kinks in your thinking. Shall we do it in your own thread?
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2019): "I mean reality is, if I do decide to stay in his life, I may have to keep in contact with this woman."
"If I stay in his life I am afraid his mother would still try to stir up drama in my marriage."
EXACTLY!!
These are things I have already told you OP. That as long as you are in the child's life, the ex will continue to have access to you. And also, I don't think your guest appearance in the child's life will be of any significant value because the child will more or less be completely driven by his mother. She will just use your sympathy towards him to ensure that you are a part of HER life as well and will only cause more drama in your family.
If you have an obligation to absolutely anyone, it is your own wife and children. Not to this child whom you haven't fathered. Feeling bad for him is one thing but then where does that take you? You know the ex is awful and unfortunately for the child, she's his mother. I don't know why the others are still advising you to continue being involved in the child's life because that to me is just a short term solution. It's like putting a band-aid on the problem. You have been a substitute father for 6 years but enough is enough. If the situation is that bad then you should call child protective services and let them take over.
If I were you, this is what I would do.
Get a restraining order against the woman. Change your number immediately. Cut off all contact with her.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (15 August 2019):
Hey! thanks for the follow up. We really appreciate clarification. I'm going to continue my advice assuming that you will end up staying in the son's life, although I believe there is a chance that might change.
Absolutely, You need a lawyer at this juncture. It is part of Chapter 3 of my advice. Boundaries, And how they apply in coparenting.
Strong boundaries are the definition of strong people. You have a history of poor boundaries so a lot of this is going to seem harsh to you. Every person has things that they will not accept. Deal breakers, hard limits, lines in the sand. To define it completely, "Non-negotiable, Unalterable, Terms." (NUTs)
Some of my boundaries apply to your situation. I will not be abused. If someone calls me up and starts in swearing at me, I hang up. If they call back I tell them that I Will not be treated that way. In your life you need a boundary that you ex can only talk to you about her son. The second she asks about anything else, ie. her car, her bills, her boyfriend, her other child, as soon as that comes up you inform her that the conversation is over and you will only discuss the child that you parent together. Next boundary is that all calls will be between 8 am and 8 pm no night calls that aren't an emergency. When she calls in the middle of the night your first question should be "Who is bleeding?" if it is not an emergency you hang up and turn off the ringer. The third phone boundary is that your ex has no need to talk to your wife. Therefore she will not call her, text her, or contact her in any way. Blocks and straight to voice mail. That about covers phones.
Now there are other areas that need boundaries. You and your wife will know where they should be. There are two special areas around co-parenting that we also need to mention.
Money, and time (visitation). You will actually probably need a formal legal agreement to set these boundaries. You will pay precisely a certain amount that is fair to all three children. You will pay it on a certain day on a regular, predictable schedule. There will be no pity for "but, I need some money today . . . " There will be no "but he needs new shoes . . . " Her job is to live within the budget of her income and your contributions. Your job is to provide predictable support, not to fix her mismanagement.
Visitation, your boundary is that visitation will not be used to manipulate your life. She will not change visitation without minimum notice. You are not an on call babysitter. No Extra burdens for you. Child will be ready and present for regularly scheduled visitation. This will take a legal agreement. It could all be handled in mediation.
There is one other Boundary that I am going to suggest to you. You will not meet her alone any where any time there will always be an adult witness to every meeting. This prevents the "appearance of evil". There is no question of what might have happened, been talked about, been agreed to, and so on. Because of your history you especially need this boundary, but most divorced people should have and respect it.
Boundaries empower you and keep everyone safe. Please put some boundaries in your life. You have the power to protect your family from your ex. Boundaries are the way you achieve it. You can enforce reasonable boundaries whether or not you all agree that you need to remain in the child's life.
Specifically to OP: Your legal status is undetermined or questionable. That needs to be defined. Your specific state laws will effect how this falls out. It seems like the nice thing to do to just have an agreement. It isn't working for you because the agreement has one honest person, (you), and one crazy person (your ex). You can't have an agreement that changes every week.
A lawyer, or a mediator acts a a barrier between the two parties. You need that insulation. and it will be worth paying for.
FA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 August 2019):
Have a talk with your wife about what SHE feels should be next. Work this out between you two.
Talk to a lawyer as well. Depending on the State you live in, this woman can at some point claim child support FROM you because you HAVE paid her money for the child for 6 years. The law isn't made to protect you.
While I can understand that you NEED and WANT to protect your family, I feel so bad for that little boy to be left with her and whatever junk she will put in his head.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2019): I thank you for all your responses. I am not listed on the birth certificate as I wasn't sure if the child was mine. Also, I never paid child support as we made our own financial agreement and I stuck to it. Anything that woman needed for her son I would try my best to support her to avoid any conflict...yet she made it her duty to cause drama.
I feel for this child as his mother is very much mentally unstable. I Know I took long to actually do the DNA test. I guess I was afraid that my wife would have left me if the child was mine (given the chaos that came with his mother). I have not been easy to deal with and she has been most forgiving to me, even when I don't deserve it. Her parents on the other hand, never wanted us to be together, and were quite disgusted by my infidelity. There was a time when our eldest saw her mother crying after we were arguing over a disrespectful message sent by my ex. Within a couple of minutes, my mother in law just came by us unannounced and my wife could not contain herself (although she tried), she fell to her knees crying to her mother...that was around the time she learnt about my infidelity and about my ex being pregnant (I didn't confess that part to her, about me possibly being the father just yet, but she had a gut feeling that I possibly was). She didn't her parents anything about my infidelity as I didn't want them to know, so she was holding in all the hurt of my infidelity and just told her mother that I have a friend who is very disrespectful to her and I do not want to tell her to stop calling me.
It was hard at first, for her to accept the child. I had cheated on her while she was pregnant and my ex's son and our 2nd daughter is just 6 months apart. So she was devastated and embarrassed. We went through counselling and I was told it is only natural for her to react the way that she did. But eventually she acknowledged that he was innocent and treated him with love as well. I feel like I owe it to her for forgiving me and enduring the pain of my infidelity, the disrespect of both me being unfaithful and my ex's harsh words, to just block that woman out of our lives so that we can move on. Around the time I was unfaithful, our eldest daughter teacher stated that her behavior changed and the thing is, she endured seeing her mother crying from time to time...even recently when my ex sent a disrespectful message to wife. My ex recently had another child for a guy who wants no part of her baby. She was in the hospital and was ringing down my phone to tell me how she was feeling (not to ask me to take her son as he was with her mom). So I indicated to her that her BF should be in the hospital with her and she thought it was my wife who sent her that message. So she sent a message to my wife that started an argument and my wife had tears in her eyes (saying she can not bear this disrespect) and our daughter saw her crying. So I wonder if I do stay in the child's life if that would affect my marriage and even my own children. I mean reality is, if I do decide to stay in his life, I may have to keep in contact with this woman. For the past few days I have been ignoring my ex's calls. She's saying that she cannot live without me being a part of her life. She apologized for all her disrespect and me not being her son's father and claimed she thought the time we had sex matched his due date. She begged me to help her financially as she has no one to help her and to even take him at times. I just told her I am not sure just yet what I want to do from here onward. Since that conversation, I never answered her numerous calls. The time we had sex, she just got out of a relationship with a married man. It seems like he doesn't want to have any part of the child's life. She never told me that part though. I learnt that from a family member of hers. She claimed him to be the father at first and then it geared towards me. I heard the man moved from where he used to live and changed his and his wife's numbers. So I do not even know if she can reach him. I was basically raised by my stepfather when the first man I thought was my dad was never around. Even after I found out about another man being my father, he too never financially took care of me. Of course he's not my stepchild, but I feel so sorry for him...with the type of mother he has. It is like she is a ticking time bomb. But then I study my own girls, if I stay in his life I am afraid his mother would still try to stir up drama in my marriage. If she does, what then? My wife is like the ball is in my court. But I know she just does not want me to have any contact with my ex.
But thanks for the advice.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 August 2019):
Due to current interest in the "unfair to the official family" question I think I need to address chapter 4 before chapter three. I also invite and encourage OP to respond with updates and clarifications. I invite one and all to sign up, get a name, and post un-anonymously. It makes it easier for us to keep up with follow ups.
A little background to help you understand where I am coming from. I was the second in a family of 5 children (biological), and 4 children (adopted). By religion and choice I consider adoption to be equal (as if born) to natural childbirth.
My mother was an elementary teacher after us kids got into school full time. As part of that authority she often acted as judge and arbiter of disputes between students. She had a saying that applies here, and I'd appreciate your serious consideration of the principle behind it. Mom claimed that she was "Always Fair and Never Equal".
OK, that is the set up. Now for the advice. Why following my earlier advice to accept and fill the obligations to this child is FAIR, HEALTHY, and will build the strength of the whole family.
First your emotional needs as a man. Most men have a strong emotional need to Protect. You have a desire to protect this child and you have built an emotional connection to the child. This is no pretense. Way beyond the legal requirement is the obligation that every man feels to protect the week and helpless. In fact the laws that seem so unfair to men, were written by men as an expression of these integral needs.
Second your wife's emotional needs. Here there is a conflict. She has two competing needs. The first is safety and security. The second is the need to be first and most important. Women tend to constantly compare. And nowhere is this more dangerous to the man than when he has children with different mothers. I'm guessing that much of the push back here is from the feeling that the current wife and children are not #1 in his heart and mind (and wallet, and time). There are 2 replies to this first parents really do not choose one child over another but love them equally. As more children are added their love seems to grow to take them all in. And Second, At home kids always get more time.
As to the woman's need for safety and security, this is in opposition because as your wife sees you protecting and providing and nurturing the other child, it builds her sense of trust in you. Even though she hates to share, she naturally gets a love boost from seeing you be a good man. She has more safety and more security (but less money) because she knows that nothing will stop you from fulfilling the role of protector.
If on the other hand you abandon the child, as it would seem logical to do. If you manage to find a judge willing to free you from the legal obligations, how will your wife react. She will be proud to have won more of your time and money. But at the same time you have introduced a doubt. You have shown her that you can stop loving, That you can leave, that you can abandon. And her security will take an unexpected hit.
This is a new kind of thinking for many people. It's hard to accept. I assure you that it is fair. I also assure you that it is not equal.
For some additional information on the legal issue google "dad by default" and "France bans paternity testing". These issues are huge and are largely based in laws written by men with the best of intentions.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 August 2019):
Oh, I get it ANON,
I totally get your point. The "SYSTEM" is not set up to help fathers. THAT is a fact. It's out-dated. THAT is a fact. It doesn't ALWAYS see what the BEST interest is for the child. The Father. The mother. THAT is a fact.
Personally, I think OP got screwed. He also screwed himself by NOT doing the DNA AS SOON AS the child was born. He wanted to be a father? Perhaps? Or felt guilt? Wanted to atone?
He can stop being a dad to this child. "Just" pay the child support and go on his way, blocking this lady and the kid. He CAN seek legal help (which he SHOULD do anyways) but actually "WINNING" a case of paternity 6 years later? Depending on the state... pretty unlikely.
The "SYSTEM" is set up to "protect" the child. That means financially too.
I have seen cases where MEN get screwed over by the SYSTEM, when it comes to paternity. And more so, I have seen MANY kids being screwed over because the ADULTS prioritize themselves first. I have a niece who's "baby-daddy" hasn't paid child support in 9 years. Not a cent. He works for family "under the table" so the state can't take a penny from him. Thankfully my niece is hardworking and takes care of her daughter. But this guy has screwed his OWN future up by NOT taking responsibility for fathering a child. Let alone not being in his kid's life. She is a GREAT kid. He is missing out, but so is she.
OP, NEEDS to have a talk with his wife and TOGETHER they need to figure out WHAT actions they want to take, but "disavowing" a child is not going to be easy legally if even possible or affordable. If it ISN'T possible, THEY need to figure out what else. And PREFERABLY, they need to consider this INNOCENT kid, who is caught up in this ADULT drama that wasn't of HIS making.
It would be great if the OP can update? With info?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2019): There must surely be a way to disavow a child? As far as I know, it can be done but only through court proceedings and not a private DNA test. Yes life isn't fair and the child should never suffer but then why should the OP either? This isn't about making him pay for his sins! There are millions of children in the world who are in a terrible situation but that doesn't mean that people should be coerced into caring for them! I'm truly sorry the child is caught in all this but what about the OP and his wife? Why should they pay, both literally and figuratively, for something and someone they are in no way responsible for? Let them legally adopt the child if things work out that way but pretending to be the child's father just for the sake of pretences is just not right.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 August 2019):
A Note to all:
When we give advice here, we never know all of the facts. We never know if the question asker (Original Poster , OP) is actually reading the advice or believing it. In this case we have no idea who is listed as Father on the birth certificate. We don't know about child support payments or visitation.
For the sake of giving solid advice that can be applied to many readers problems we ASSUME that this case is typical. We hope that everyone examies the advice given and applies it as appropriate in their own situations.
Right now I'm considering a 4th message for this thread detailing how OP's past and future actions will affect his relationship with his wife and children.
This is a complicated issue and it will take a lot of words to advise sufficiently. It would be nice to think the OP has been reading and has also benefited from all of the advice posted here, but it doesn't look like it is happening.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 August 2019):
What you might not realize ANON,
Is that in the US - it's ALMOST impossible for a man to "remove" paternity if he has been "deemed" the father (as in he is on the birth certificate, he has paid child support to said child though the Child Support system). EVEN if he is NOT the father.
The American system looks out for what they think is BEST for the child, THEN the mother, and THEN (if at all) the father.
The system deems that a MAN PAYING is thus the father.
I have seem QUITE a few wives who cheated on their husband's while HE was deployed. The child they made with their "BF" is LEGALLY the husband's. EVEN if there is no way the husband FATHERED that child as he was halfway around the world. So the HUSBAND is legally obligated for the next 18 year to pay. Even if they divorce. ONLY if the REAL BIO dad steps up, can paperwork be initiated.
So it all depends on WHETHER OP is ON the birth certificate, Is LEGALLY the father OR not.
If the REAL BIO dad hasn't stepped up in 6 years, I don't think he will now. Also, the mother, might not even know who the father is. The BIO-DAD might not even know he fathered a child.
Life isn't fair. But why should the kid suffer?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2019): I don't agree with the others. By continuing to be in the child's life, you're being very unfair both to him and to your wife. The truth is that you mean absolutely nothing to him. Yes I agree that he's being punished for no fault of his but then for how long will you go on with this charade? And I hope you do realise that as long as you see the boy and continue to be involved in his life, your ex will be in contact with you.
If I were you, I'd do one of two things. You make it very clear to your ex that she gets hold of the real father of this child. You think you can continue like this and the child will never know the truth? Of course he will, your ex will ensure that he does! What happens then?
The second thing that you can do is, if your ex agrees to it, then your wife and you legally adopt the child and have the ex out of your lives, for good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2019): 1) you should not have cheated on your wife, 2) you should have got a paternity test done straight away not when the child is 6. Sounds to me like you are looking for a way out. Have you seen the birth certificate and is your name actually on it? Your ex might well be duping multiple men. The biological father also has an obligation and your ex needs to find him and tell him he has a son
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 August 2019):
I fully agree with FA.
YOU can not judge a CHILD, a 6 year old child, for his mother's "sins" or misdeeds.
HE needs you - especially with a mom like that! Can you imagine if you give up on him now? Leave him to HER devices? HE deserves better, and that means having YOU in his life.
How to go about it?
Well, for one - IF you pay child support you are LEGALLY the father. LEGALLY. You aren't the first man to be duped. And I AM sorry she lied to you, and TO her son. But really, after 6 years, you ARE his dad.
Would I tell him, son I'm not biologically your father? No, not yet, he is 6.
Back to WHAT TO DO!
I would SET up LEGAL visitation schedules and boundaries. So that SHE can not CALL or CONTACT your wife to harass her. Even better, if you HAVE prove if her behavior, your wife might think about a protection order. But that might also complicate things and muddy the waters. However, she SHOULD (your wife) have your son's mother BLOCKED on everything. The mother should have NOOOOOO need to even interact with your wife IF SHE CAN NOT be civil and GRACEFUL about it.
As for boundaries with you, YOU and your wife TALK this over. Let's say the "mother" calls you for some nonsense that has NOTHING to do with the child, then you ask her if this has anything to do with the child, if not... HANG up. HAVE a united front!
Rebuilding trust with your wife is IMPORTANT and that is ANOTHER discussion you NEED to have with her. ASK her HOW you can rebuild the trust she LOST in you when you cheated. Find ways to SHOW her you CAN be trusted and that you WANT the marriage to work.
NEVER talk smack to the kid about his bio mom. EVER. He will figure it out on his own. Trust me, kids are smart.
We have a friend who was in a very similar situation to you. His ex-gf put him down as father of her youngest child and HE wasn't informed (was later told he HAD to dispute it within 200 days of the birth) and he wasn't TOLD about the child until the child was almost 1. THAT is when she SUED for child support. He had LEFT her 12 months BEFORE the birth and they had not met or seen each other in those 12 months so there was NO WAY he could biologically BE the father.
Yet, today this guy is still considering the kid his.
He could have done the "bare bones" parenting and "just" paid child support but he chose not to, he chose to be there for the kid. The "kid" didn't know he wasn't biologically related to his dad until he turned 18 and joined the military.
You don't stop loving someone just because you don't share DNA.
Get a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. Get a court ordered visitation schedule and if NEED be a 3rd part to act as go-between so you will NOT have to deal with the "mother" at all. (or minimally)
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 August 2019):
Part 2 your moral obligation to your son.
For 6 years you have proclaimed to this boy and to the world that you are his father. Now you find that biologically you are not. The question is who is more the father to this guy. The biological doner who has never met the kid , who is unacknowledged by his mother, or the husband that may come at some time in the future, Or the man who has been there for 6 years. Yep it is you. Just as if you legally adopter this kid at birth, he is your moral responsibility.
You are morally obligated to love him. To continue to love him. To protect him, to nurture him and to provide for him. Especially when he is a difficult rebellious teenager. That is not very far away.
This will not always be easy. You have mentioned that his mother is causing troubles. In our hext letter we will talk about how to manage her. This episode is about you and Junior.
One of the biggest needs your children have is secure stability. What this means in practical terms is that you are reliable. You don't miss appointments. You don't break promises. You are the stable adult in his life. I get the feeling that this is what you want to be.
Now we are imperfect creations. We are going to make mistakes. We do our best to minimize the damage of those errors.
Next message is maintaining boundaries in coparenting and life.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2019): As Fatherly Advice has correctly advised you, the child remains your legal and financial-responsibility. He is innocent in all that happens around him. Had you not cheated on your wife, you wouldn't be paying such a price, now would you?
The woman-scorned, your ex, is self-consumed with envy and malice. It keeps her busy day and night. Nothing short of being the devil himself, can keep-up such a persistent schedule of harassment and malignancy. Unless she also suffers mental-health issues. Be that the case, she may be unfit to be parenting a child when she has so much time on her hands to be trashing your marriage. Your wife is also getting her digs in too; by keeping you on the hot-seat. She knows what's going on. She's punishing you and throttling you passive-aggressively. Holding you fully responsible for all of this.
You drew your ex back into your life, now face the consequences.
You can schedule visits with your son. You're the only father he knows; so until he rejects being so, he is your son. Your contact with her can easily be minimized; if you both mutually-agree to have a third-party arranged for pickup. If she won't, see him anyway.
Her motherly-love and maternal-instincts will force her to be attentive to the child's needs and his protection. She may be toxic to you or your wife; but she'll be protective of his well-being. In-time, I speculate she'll become exhausted; and she might just decide to move-on, with son in-tow. Not for your benefit, but because she can't keep this up forever. She wants her pound of flesh. You lead her to believe you wanted her back. Her plan to use the child failed. She only succeeded in getting child-support. Her unhappiness is her restitution and repayment to your wife for her part in cheating on your marriage. She suffers for her own bad-choices.
Deep-down inside, you may wish you could figure-out a way to ditch both mother and child; so you can pretend you didn't open this can of worms with your cheating. There is no easy solution.
If you really want to know how to still play a role in his life; like any loving and determined-father, you'd find a way hell or high-water. Love overcomes all sorts of obstacles. One way is to continue paying your child-support on a timely-basis. You can give him fatherly-love and guidance, and protect him. If you care to.
His mother is only human, no matter how toxic she is. Focus on the kid. You know as well as I do, there is no-way to have the child without the mother; unless you challenge her for custody. That would be using the child as a pawn, and simply to cover your own butt. It would be self-serving and would have nothing to do with the child's best-interest. You have to suffer and atone for the damage you've caused. She pulled one over on you; but you offered her the opportunity to do so.
If your marriage is stable, your wife will know the motives behind your toxic-ex. Regaining trust after betrayal sometimes may take a lifetime to recover.
My advice is simple. Endure the mother, and show the child love and co-parent as best you can under the circumstances.
Reassure your wife, and do everything humanly-possible to show that boy that you see him as your son. In spite of all the chaos and confusion swirling around him.
As he gets older, if you've established a good relationship; he will learn and understand what is going on. His mother is crazy with pain and anger. When I used the term "self-consumed," I meant it's hurting her more than it hurts you. Her anger and path of destruction will hurt her; and ruin the relationship she has with her son. She'll learn in-time, attempting to destroy people as your single-most objective backfires. You ruin your own life, and destroy all your own relationships. You don't win, you lose. You lose everything.
Be a father to a boy who needs one. You let that she-devil out of the cage, now man-up and deal with it. You figured-out a way to cheat on your wife, now figure-out a way to be a father; and reestablish the trust you destroyed in your marriage. Nobody can tell you how, the challenge is on YOU! Redemption will come in being a good husband and a good father. Time is the healer.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 August 2019):
There are 3 questions here. 1) proper boundaries in co-parenting. 2) your moral obligation to the son. 3) your legal obligation to the son.
Let's start with the easy one, #3. No matter how it came about if your name is on the birth certificate as this boys father, legally you are the boys father. Legally you owe this child support, and visitation. A paternity test will not interrupt this of itself. There is a possibility in some states, with the cooperation of the mother and the biological father of changing legal paternity. Honestly it's a long shot. Like you the court and by extension the state is most concerned with what is best for the child.
This is where #2 comes in. It is not best for the child to enter a legal battle over paternity. So legally you pay support as ordered. You visit religiously. You show up for important events. You support him in his interests and goals, in every way you can. for example and to put in a plug for my organization. If your son is interested in scouting, you arrange your schedule so you can go to tiger cubs with him. You buy his uniform, and you make sure he can attend den, and pack meetings, as ell as outdoor adventures.
In summary, you follow every legal requirement as a father. And you don't hesitate to go beyond requirements to fill the spirit of the law.
Stay tuned for the next 2 installments, we still have a lot of territory to cover.
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