A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Does it mean he really doesn't love me if he can't respect me enough to tell me the truth?I see lying as a lack of respect. And I have doubts that true love and disrespect can co-exist. People talk about lying to someone to "not hurt them," but I'm having a hard time understanding how someone who truly loves you can look at you and lie. Isn't that hurting the person? Isn't lying to someone a huge sign of disrespect? This is a hard one. Any advice would be appreciated b/c I'm trying to get past the idea that someone can withold information from a partner and NOT see it as disrespect... Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, blahblahblahh  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Personaly, I agree, I think no matter how painful the truth may be, lying is so dissrespectful, and to me is dissrespect and love can't co-exist. My ex was a compulsive liar, and that itself is what ended our relationship. I think if you truely love someone, you can look them in the eye and tell the truth, I find it worrying when someone can look you in the eye and lie so well. And there's nothing more insulting to me from experience, than someone you love, lying to you in order to 'protect' your feelings, taking advantage of your naivety.I look at it this way, if the lie is something extremely stupid, for example someone lying about liking your hairstyle, there's no harm. To lie about something because you're trying not to hurt them, can only stem from your own guilt of doing something wrong. And if you truely love someone, why would you do something to hurt them.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 October 2010):
 It really depends on the context. A lot of people lie to their partner to spare their partner's feelings. That doesn't mean it's OK, just that it doesn't mean they don't love them. If you give a bit more context we can help more.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (8 October 2010):
 It depends on the situation. There are lies that can actually be a good thing in a relationship. An example of this; "How do I look in this?" "You look beautiful!" Even if she doesn't look that great. It's how you should respond. Don't get me wrong, if it is something that she shouldn't be wearing, I won't lie about it, but if I'm just not feeling it, I'm not going to crush her self esteem by saying she could stand to lose a few pounds. After all, i'm not perfect either and if I love her, she is beautiful to me. Even if she wouldn't be to others.
There are lies that are a sign of disrespect, but there are others that can be better for a relationship. I don't believe that full disclosure about sexual history is always the best option. It opens up too much room for retroactive jealousy. Since the past can't be changed it is best if it is left there. I'll give certain details if asked, but most of them I will avoid. I've seen too many problems that come from full disclosure.
Sometimes it is also disrespectful to dig about things you know will bother you. Guys know that women do this all to often and so we will lie. Not the best option, but would you rather us say we will simply not have this conversation?
I lay out my ground rules about this stuff when I first get to know a girl. That way I can reference that conversation if things start going in a direction where there is no returning from.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 The truth may not always be pleasant. The truth can sometimes be unbearable. Sometimes, the pain of knowing the truth is more terrible than the pain of knowing that a loved one is lying about something. People are often torn between their want to support their loved one's happiness, and their moral need to let them know. Selfless happiness often surpasses one's moral needs. I know that this might not make sense to some people but this is my opinion.
I know that when a loved one uncovers a lie, it is heartbreaking, a disgusting feeling but, perhaps the liar did it out of love.
It really depends on what he lied to you about. If it was something like love, if he had done something like lie to you about sleeping with another woman, then this was an act of fear, the same rule I stated above applies. It shows he still cares about you in a way I suppose, unless he has done something like, post pictures of him and some other girl on the internet.
Lies are necessary sometimes. The truth can be a terrible burden.
Make no mistake, I am in no way encouraging people to lie to loved ones. I was merely stating why one would lie. The truth is just as necessary but requires precise timing, and a fashion in which you would reveal it as to avoid wounding a loved one's heart, be it a romantic partner or family member. The truth is always just as necessary.
I hope that helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): I would see it the same way as you, but not everybody would. Some people do lie and don't see any harm in it. You need to talk to him about it and try and get an understanding of his point of view, and give him yours.
...............................
|
