A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm looking for opinions from married people or people in long term serious relationships....I'm trying to figure out if what I'm feeling/not feeling for my boyfriend of 2 years is "normal", or is it an indication that we shouldn't get married?Here's what we have:1) We are very good friends. 2) We live together (for 4 months now/dating for 2 years). 3) We make great partners, (when it comes to daily chores, etc). 4) We both say we want to get married and have kids. 5) We come from similar backgrounds. (Catholic, but not extremely religious) 6) We have fun when go out to dinner and do things (although we don't have much time to do that b/c of work, etc)Here's what we don't have:1) A good sex life. (it was during the first 6 months, but now I rarely feel like having sex - He wants to all the time, I don't)2) A solid plan. (he says he wants to get married, but b/c of money issues, says he's waiting to buy a ring - even though that's not that important to me)3) Sometimes, he doesn't seem genuinely interested in me.***For example, he rarely asks "how was your day?", or if we talked about something that I was doing/thinking of doing one day , the next he won't follow up with "so how did that work out", or "what are you thinking now"?I guess this last part bothers me the most. Is the "lack of interest" a general rule of thumb as a relationship progresses? Doesn't it fade over time with everbody, or am I just being too sensitive?Thoughts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your thoughtful responses, it really makes me feel better to hear these educated and considerate reponses.
Satindesire - I have communicated directly; I really don't hold back much. I've told him I don't want a big ring, but rather he should save for our next down payment (I currently own the home we live in, he doesn't have one). His response has been "i can't have my future wife walking around with a small ring". (which is ironic b/c I'm not a "label" person always trying to impress people with what i wear)
As for the plan, I have said "where do you see us in 5 years?" That got me the male panic response, you know, the "deer in headlights" look. I felt bad for him and changed the subject. I know he gets stressed about money and says he worrys about providing for us (even though I make as much as him - and don't exoept to be taken care of)
As for the sex -- all three of you said I just have to do it. Hmmmm. I truly don't know what my issue is. I love him, want a life with him, but it's just not that important to me. And then it feels weird to have sex when I don't want to. I feel like then he'll know I'm just not that into it. I've never "faked it".
Before I met him, I had more sex with the partners I was in casual relationships with. Those where there was no real commitment - and we'd usually end up having sex after a few drinks. LOL. I know, not very healthy!!
Any thoughts on how to up a sex drive? (without booze). Thanks.
A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (6 March 2009):
Not sure I'll do these interesting questions their justice (good for you for asking), but I had a few thoughts I thought I would share.
The three you don't have:
1) Sex life. I'm torn whether to echo satindesire's sentiment. I suspect all highly sexed people (me included) believe that everyone else really wants to have sex all the time, and if they don't then something is wrong (not with the other person necessarily ... for example, it could be "stress about the lack of a solid plan is making you less enthusiastic about the relationship, and thus making you less sexual than the normal high-sex baseline."). From this point of view, regular (e.g. multiple/week) sex is to be expected, and if you aren't feeling it then you are partly responsible to take actions to get there. Or as satin says it "you have to go after it."
On the other hand, maybe there are guys and gals who want their steady-state relationships to have frequent sex, and guys and gals who want it less frequently. In this view, you really want to find out early on which you are (maybe via patterns in relationships), talk about it, and make sure you have a good fit. We certainly see a lot of people here (mostly men but not exclusively) who love their partners but doubt their relationships due to low sexual activity, and lots of people (mostly women but not exclusively) who love their partners but just don't feel the need for constant nookie.
The question is what to do, and I don't know the answer. I do believe, though, that it is important not to dismiss sexual problems, as they are about the most persistent and difficult problems we see here.
2) Regarding a solid plan, early in my marriage my wife told me she worried that I didn't talk about our future. She thought it meant I had doubts. I'm not sure why I didn't, maybe I was thinking more practically about budgets and jobs. But it was an extremely flattering thing to hear. It reminded me that she wanted to spend not just now, but forever with me.
So I'd tell you to say something similar. Ask questions about where he sees you two in five years. What kind of house he wants to live in. Does he want pets. As a guy, having a "project" like that to plan is very comforting.
Also speaking as a guy, I wouldn't propose without the ring. Well I lie; I did, but it was a family ring in another country, so its absence was unavoidable, but you can bet I told her about it, and its history.
I remember once taking seriously a statement that she didn't need to do anything for her birthday. Guess how that went. Guys know that the ring matters, the proposal matters, it is a story that gets told to children one day.
So if you want to get a solid plan, either talk about the tangible things - homes, travel, children, schools, jobs, friends, even wedding guests - or if you really want to be engaged now, follow satindesire's always good advice: tell him explicitly exactly what you want.
3) Doesn't seem genuinely interested... I'm echoing the other comments here, but I want to do it from a guy's perspective.
When guys talk to guys, the talk is mostly a way to establish your bona fides as someone who is competent. Wow them with sports stats. Know about the latest gadget. Talk about your car or the vacation you are planning. Meanwhile you offer info to other guys, being helpful ... I can help you move that couch. It can be seen (from an anthropologist's perspective I'd guess) as everyone showing off to establish their place in the charisma and competency hierarchy.
This is part of why guys don't ask directions. The gal may not see it (or be able to see it), but both guys know. One had to ask directions. They couldn't figure it out. A smart guy is one who knows that missing the show, or pissing off his partner, is more important than the loss of face. But that subtle loss of face is there.
How does this apply to him asking you how things worked out?
When a guy complains to another guy about something that is causing him trouble/stress (as opposed to how the Rockets are playing on the road), both recognize it is embarrassing to the one complaining. He's admitting incompetence. A good friend is one who promptly offers constructive advice while simultaneously assuring the friend it isn't really a problem in the first place (and thus no loss of face), and then changes the subject.
When guys start learning how to talk to women, the first major hurdles are (1) stopping the instinct to "rescue" a woman from the embarrassment of being upset or incompetent by telling her not to worry, or how to fix things, and (2) ignoring his own stress coming from hearing about emotional issues [hearing stereotypical "girl talk" from a guy would be stressful as the stakes would be high with the complainer likely very distressed to even be saying such things]. Young guys will tell their girls, out of love, "it's nothing, just do this instead, want to watch TV?"
The problem is that the things that women think and talk about to bond with one another, sharing their feelings of distress, frustration or insecurity, are things that guys are culturally taught not to discuss. So to a guy asking you "how was your day" instead of "did you hear the news about blah" is *instinctively* a difficult thing, because instinctively "how was your day" is a question that makes him feel frustrated, unsure, and uncomfortable, while "did you hear about" is a question that makes him feel knowledgeable and in control.
The difference is in how men and women talk about negative feelings. Guys largely try to ignore them, viewing them as something that makes you weaker (think crying), liable to teasing, to lowering of social status among men. Gals largely try to talk through negative feelings, viewing them as shared life experiences that can bind you to one another. Because women's status rests more on the relationships that she has, than on the competency that she demonstrates.
How does that help you? Well, it's a bit like the sex thing, in that where differences exist, you first need to respect and understand them, then decide how much compromise makes you happy.
Give him a copy of Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand (as a women friend gave me in college).
Directness is always good; tell him you are feel much better after you talk to him about things that (you accept) may seem awkward to him. Reinforce that these feelings are something you *want* to discuss. A kiss and "thanks for asking" helps.
I love listening to my wife talk for hours about her annoying coworkers, though I have to fight the urge to fix things, because I remind myself that her conversation means something different to mine. I recognize a different language, allowing her words to have different meanings.
Oh, and the short answer to your question: I don't think interest fades with time with everyone, but I do think there are default behaviors (like those above) that we fall back on when we get comfy in a relationship, and that those default behaviors are learned, can be modified to some extent, but mostly are worked around (by both partners) through understanding.
Oh, and your relationship sounds good to me.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (6 March 2009):
 could be he is picking up from u the same vibes, sex for men is a major form of communication, so if your sex drive has dwindled, he will think your not interested in him. thereby, he is treating you like the way hes feeling treated. for most men, buying a ring to propose is not up for disussion. they wont propose without the ring in hand. and, most want to buy a fairly decent ring for their lady. for men, its also a pride thing, like, if he buys you an engagement ring from walmart for 99$ well, hes thinking your friends are going to say hes cheap. men who love deep and want to marry their gf want to make sure they are financially capable to commit themselves. and a lot of ladies dont understand that its so much more. he may know u dont care about the ring. but he does. and thats what matters. so u should let him be the man he is and wait for him to impress u with a ring he hopes you will cherish. you may need to ask yourself why your sex drive has decreased? regardless, you nedd to show him you love him. and for a lot of men, they feel bonded with their gf when she shows sexual affection. it shows she finds him desirable, hot, and she is into mhim. sex plays a huge part in relationships, its as vital a part as eating and sleeping in the same bed. would u eat seperatly without him even though hes in another room? would you buy a seperate bed and sleep in a seperate room? eating together promotes bonding, sleeping in the same bed does the same. sex is no different. so you need to step up the bedroom night life, be spontaneous, initiate sex yourself for a chqnge, yes, men love it when their lady all of a sudden unexpectedly turns round and says, baby, i want you right now,on the table, lets go! u need to keep the romance alive. if your having problems sexually now, what are u going to do when you have a kid? you will be always tired and complaining of the kids etc. youd better get your priorities set straight now, while its just about you too. when a third comes along, its no longer about you and him.
reevaluate your issues and know he probably loves you but is feeling confused too about your behavior. if u surprise him a few times a week in bed, you might see a huge difference in his behavior. try it out.
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