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female
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*isztoria
writes:I've been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for a year now. We live together and spend as much time together as possible between work and school. I love him and I know he loves me, but I'm afraid that he can't fully love me because in my eyes I think he's still not over his daughter's mother. They haven't been together for about 4 years now because of cheating and lying, but every now and then she will call and he acts different and this upsets me because he basically treats me like his sister when he talks to her. For the first six months of our relationship he denied that he was even dating me. I really have high hopes for our relationship and even though I'm only 18 (he's 23) I think we could be great together for long term things. It's just that she gets in the way every couple of months and I don't know how to tell him how I feel about the situation. He says she's just a friend and he enjoys talking to her, but I don't think he should have that type of contact with her. He hasn't seen his daughter in almost two years because she won't let him, yet they can talk for hours on the phone and even hang out (very rarely). I guess my question is 1, do I let him know how I really feel about his dauther's mother and their current relationship with each other (I know I can't get rid of her completely because he has a daughter with her), and 2, does it seem worth it to be in love with somebody that is probably still in love with his ex?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): I am not sure if this is an answwer or a question very similiar to yours. I have been friends with HIM for a long time , he had a duaghter with someone he was dating for 4 years. she is very controlling with him. Times him coming home, he had to asked to leave to even goto the dump....long story kind of short, they obv split and 2 years later we hooked up. Their daughter is 3 in a half, i have never met her , he cant bring her outside the house, he had supervised visits at one time. This is all through the courts. He has had substance abuse problems in the past, but loves his daughter and would never harm her. so yes we are dating and they talk on the phone everyday, about the weather or about him doing favors for her. If we are in the middle of dinner or a movie or shopping he can think of an excuse to call about his daughter. They text while he isdriving with me in the car, gets mad that the phone died when they were talking about the weather and her stacking wood. well after a few months of this i finally sat down to talk to him about it , he got mad at me , said i was dumping him , and pretty much stormed out of my house. I havent talked to him since, i live 2 houses down . But my gut tells me im the second lady in his life and cant compare to the mother of his kid. I feel HE makes me feel this way. Like you said the way he acts when her name is mentioned or when he is on the phone with her! honestly ...im moving on causse i cant be that other girl. I want 100% cause thats what we deserve. I think when i man has a child with a woman they create this imaginery goddess that is really controlling their life and not even letting him see his kid. how coould you still want to be in love with her. BECAUSE SHE IS THE BABYS MOMMA!
A
female
reader, jhanson +, writes (12 December 2009):
I am not sure if this is an answwer or a question very similiar to yours. I have been friends with HIM for a long time , he had a duaghter with someone he was dating for 4 years. she is very controlling with him. Times him coming home, he had to asked to leave to even goto the dump....long story kind of short, they obv split and 2 years later we hooked up. Their daughter is 3 in a half, i have never met her , he cant bring her outside the house, he had supervised visits at one time. This is all through the courts. He has had substance abuse problems in the past, but loves his daughter and would never harm her. so yes we are dating and they talk on the phone everyday, about the weather or about him doing favors for her. If we are in the middle of dinner or a movie or shopping he can think of an excuse to call about his daughter. They text while he isdriving with me in the car, gets mad that the phone died when they were talking about the weather and her stacking wood. well after a few months of this i finally sat down to talk to him about it , he got mad at me , said i was dumping him , and pretty much stormed out of my house. I havent talked to him since, i live 2 houses down . But my gut tells me im the second lady in his life and cant compare to the mother of his kid. I feel HE makes me feel this way. Like you said the way he acts when her name is mentioned or when he is on the phone with her! honestly ...im moving on causse i cant be that other girl. I want 100% cause thats what we deserve. I think when i man has a child with a woman they create this imaginery goddess that is really controlling their life and not even letting him see his kid. how coould you still want to be in love with her. BECAUSE SHE IS THE BABYS MOMMA!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 March 2008):
 Having feelings for an ex is okay. In a way I love my childs mother. Not to be with her, but because she's a good mother and we have a child together. All though I'd consider us friends, I still keep our relationship "professional" on behalf of our child. Now this relationship he has with his ex is different. He's not partaking in the childs life, so why is he behaving like this with the mother. Is it his belief if he's nice then he can see his child? That's for the courts to decide, not the mother of his child. I don't believe the courts are always the answer, but they do come in handy when one parent is not fostering a relationship between the child and the noncustodial parent. That's a relationship that he has a right too, and it doesn't mean he has to have one with the childs mother asside from discussing on behalf of their child.
If I were you I'd tell him first how you feel and second if she's not allowing visits with the child to file in the courts to get those visitation rights established. Tell him that it's now not about him or his ex, it's about the child he hasn't been spending time with.
I will say his behavior with you has been inappropriate. If he's maintaining this relationship with his ex to butter her up to see his child, let him know, the mother is getting what she wants, and he's still not getting what he wants. Now if she's being nice so he won't file with the courts then again, she's getting what she wants and he's still out.
I hope it all works out for you. You seem like a nice dedicated person, and I hope he sees that and a future with you as well. Take care.
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A
female
reader, girlwhoneedshelp  +, writes (6 March 2008):
 Just make your feelings known! Tell him how you feel about his contact with his ex. Tell him how he changes around you when he's speaking to her and how awful it makes you feel. Let him know that you are the one he is in a relationship with. Ask him how he feels about his ex. Get the truth out of him! It sounds like, to be honest, that there still is something between him and his ex. This is totally unfair to you however. Tell him that he either changes his behaviour or he'll lose you. Tell him that he either has contact with his ex ONLY in order to see their daughter or you'll leave. This is not a healthy relationship to be in as you constantly feel as though you are second best to something you really shouldn't be second best to. Just sit him down and talk to him. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Just let him know how you feel and see where you go from there. If he is willing to work through this then he is worth it and if not there are plenty more fish in the sea.
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