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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Please help me understand.I'm 20 years old and i'm wondering about things in general to do with parent-child relationships.I read on here yesterday that its a diff kind of love and you often see on here parents write that their children are their whole world etc,,,well I was just wondering if a parent can ever love their partner as much? and if not why do people get into relationships with single parents as they are always going to feel like they're not important or special to that person. Im thinking of leaving my boyfriend cos i feel so hurt when he says his daughter is the most beautiful girl in the world and he always says he loves her millions on cards etc but when he signs mine he puts love you loads and I feel like i am getting the 2nd best. how can i stop feelin this way? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): Hey annalisa, u got it spot on - my Dad left my mum for my stepmum wen I was 2. My mum slagged my dad off 4 not pickin us up often enough + my dad, although v.loving, was a selfish man who loved his wife more. She hated me guts big time x
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): Oh dear, just read your recent postings. This is not meant to be offensive, but you are way too emotionally inexperienced to be with this guy of yours. You are acting and sounding like a child yourself.
As it was suggested, you are too young YET to cope with this, and by your last two postings, I feel this guy of yours is quite a bit older than you. May be late 20's or 30's. Of course he wants someone who he may feel a lot for to become part of the family unit, but already you are saying you don't feel like this. I can't see why you are jealous, but then I'm a Mother and a good few years older than you with an extensive emotional past.
As you are so CLEAR about your feelings, I wonder if it's time for you to say goodbye to the Brady Brunch..This is NOT a cosy family set-up you are looking for. You need to go out there and experience LOTS before you will be ready for any of this.
Don't stay and make his daughter suffer, children are really quick to know those who feel some animosity, so perhaps time to move on..
Nevertheless, I wish you well!
Jilly
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): One other thing I forgot 2 mention,he says he sees me as part of the family + he needs someone who will eventually care about his kids or love them and actually look forward 2 spending time wiv them but if I'm honest I carnt see that happening although I do get close to my nieces n nephews.coud it b my jealousy holding me back from gettin close 2 her?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): I'm the person that wrote the message.thnax for explaining stuff to me. How do I control my feelins of jealousy around her? Especially wen those 2 seem wrapped up in their own world when they're together. Do men ever wish they could marry their own daughter? I know it sounds a strange thing 2 ask but someone once told me that daughters n dads are the worse 4 being wrapped up in each other.to be honest I'm just thinkin of leavin cos I just can't cope wiv the feelins that come with this blended family relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): It's all been said here, and very eloquently! And I have to say I'm in agreement with 'Annalisa from the UK'.Towards the end of her reply, she say's " Are you in fact too young for him? "
That would be be my number ONE option, at 20, you have not experienced much of life, the emotions of bonding with a child, and the difference between the love for your child and a partner. Someone older, or one who had experienced more, would not be so hung up on ' where you come on his list' or what he signed in a card, gosh, this is a child we are talking about, an innocent child, and whatever he feels for you, is of course different, but none the less love.
Try to stop competing with his daughter for his affections, enjoy your relationship with him, and be proud he's a good father, that says a lot.
Whatever your boyfriend feels, he will always put his daughter first, by that I mean, if she needs him for whatever reason, say picking up from school, she's ill, needs looking after, it's her birthday, Christmas, going to the school parents evening, HE will drop everything else to be there for her. That is NORMAL, and if you can't handle that, then you aren't ready to be in a relationship where there are young children, you should choose a guy who's 20 without children, who has no other priorities.
Jilly
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A
female
reader, alice0110  +, writes (25 November 2010):
yes, the kind of love is different. he loves his daughter because he has made her but he loves you because of who you are and yh, he may not write down that he loves you as much but think of it this way, he has the choice on whether or not he wants to be with you, and hes chosen that he does, surely that counts for something? :)
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 November 2010):
 Imagine if you had a child of your own. Would you still love your partner? Would you show it in a different way perhaps? Is it a different kind of love?
Your partner may love you only as much as you can ever love another human being. The love for ones child is indeed different, because it is not the love for just another human being, an equal, it is the love for a human of your creation, that you are responsible for, that is family and will never stop being family.
I don't think you should try to compare these emotions, or rank them. You have your role as his girlfriend, and his child has its role as his child. You can't take on the role of the child any more than the child can ever take on your role. I do not see the need to rank these or compare these more than you can compare apples and oranges.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (25 November 2010):
 Are these your questions as well?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-do-so-many-women-and-men-get.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-helped-influence-my-boyfriend-to-disown-his.html
There are many different types of love. Family love, the love we have for parents, friends, passionate love, sexual love, and then there is the love we have for a child.
All of these are different, and no less meaningful or powerful. They cannot be compared, they are different.
"well I was just wondering if a parent can ever love their partner as much?"
yes they can, but it is a different type of love. Its not that they love you any less, its just different. A child is made from your own flesh and blood, there is an attachment that cannot be described.
"i feel so hurt when he says his daughter is the most beautiful girl in the world and he always says he loves her millions on cards etc but when he signs mine he puts love you loads and I feel like i am getting the 2nd best. "
ALL parents get soppy like that over their kids - to the point where it can drive people nuts. Mummy's little soldier, Daddy's little princess... etc.etc etc.. .This is NORMAL and when you have you own kids, you will understand. Right now, you dont have a clue what it is really all about.
Love you millions - love you loads .... what is the difference? WHY are you getting SO upset about that? Its not like he is only putting "from" on the card.
He loves her in a completely different way to the way he loves you. but it is equal.
You are the adult here. How would she feel if her dad never did anything nice for her or made her feel loved. Or would you be happy if he only wrote in her card *from*... would that make you feel better? To know that you were 100% the number 1 female in his life?
How selfish.
How would you have felt if your father had done that to you. Yet praised your step mother and gave her all the love she wanted? Wouldnt that make you sad? Wouldnt you feel unloved? She is a CHILD she doesnt understand, she isnt doing anything to hurt you.
What happens if she was your child. Would you still be jealous? Would you seriously expect your partner to tone down his love and affection for your children just to make you feel happy?
Are you jealous of his mother as well? Does he give her too much attention too?
I know you just want it to be you and him. But it is never going to happen. You have to SHARE him. Like it or not, there are going to be times when you are not top of the tree in his life. Its not that he doesnt love you, care for you, or want to be with you. He does, but he has other people he loves too. And his daughter is just as important. Girlfriends may come and go, but his daughter is for life. Until you accept that, you will never be able to have a grown up relationship with this man.
If you cannot accept that he will always love his daughter, then this is not the man for you. You are still very young to be having kids and your attitude suggests that you are in no way ready to be having this kind of relationship. Until you learn to be less selfish it will never work.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 November 2010):
You have to understand that you and his daughter are totally different people. You can't compare the way he feels love to you to the way he loves his daughter. He loves her as a child, he loves you as a partner. You're not second best. You're his girlfriend, and you will be treated as a girlfriend and not a child. That's what you have to understand. That's how it will be with any man who becomes a parent. You yourself will love your own children in a totally different way to your partner one day.
You're not in competition with his daughter. You are not second best. But if you make this into a problem, you will find quickly that you will lose. You are a different person, and you're not a child.
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female
reader, Italie +, writes (25 November 2010):
 I'm really sorry to say but your boyfriend will never be able to feel the same way about you as he does your child.
It's something inbuilt in us to protect our children and it will be exactly the same for you when you have your own children - you think you're in love now but it doesnt even compare to what you feel for your child.
I've been on both sides of the coin. My first husband had 2 kids and I thought I loved them the same as him but they used to irritate me also. We had our own son and I saw immediately the difference in the strength of emotion I felt. I am now remarried and I know that my new husband thinks he loves my son but that his feelings will pale into insignificance when he has his own.
To be honest, there is nothing you can do about it. Your feelings are natural too but it's jealousy that you'll never be able to live up to your boyfriends daughter's level. That's not to say he doesnt love you immensely but it IS a different kind of love and if you cant deal with it then you need to move on because it's not going to change.
My husband knows that my son is he most important thing in my world and that I'll love and protect him to the exclusion of all others until the day I die. If he cant deal with that then he should leave me, but, absolutely no question about it, my son will always come first.
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