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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I need opinions, but please don't be rude or too judgmental. I realize I need help; that is why I'm reaching out for it. There is this guy I grew up with; we were always very close and I always felt like he was the best part of my life growing up. We were like best friends and I had always secretly liked him (and so had he). We laughed so much together, his friends know me; we had been alone together and nothing had ever happened. Well, I moved and then, revisited him after not seeing him for 2 years over summer. Nothing happened except for him bringing up all of our childhood memories and a lot of laughing. Then, I got to visit where he lives again a few weeks ago. We spent the most time together, just us two, ever! We got along so well and our ties came back. He introduced me to his friends, except for the ones that thought I was hot; he told me about his life and I told him about mine as we had always done growing up; I trust him because I told him things I had never told anyone and he never told, he kept them to himself. I noticed small things, like him asking me if I knew what eye sex was and him telling me about girls who asked him to take their virginities, but him rejecting all of it. But the blow that came, I didn't expect. When it was almost time for me to head back home, we began to flirt and then, in the darkness, he held my hand. I know how childish, that was it, but it was something I had always wanted (his love) so it meant the world to me. I got scared of how it could ruin what we have so I let go and left for home. On my flight stop, I opened my mail and had a message from him saying he noticed he liked me a lot. I told him I felt the same. We began to confess; he said he loved spending time with me and that he had liked me since the day we met (which was YEARS ago) and he even told me that he secretly kissed me in my sleep when we were younger. After this, he mentioned how I always pulled up my shirt when he looked and completely changed the subject to my breasts and sex. He is a virgin. Or so I believe since I don't know whether to trust him or not now :( . I felt very uncomfortable and then, I asked him if he really was a virgin and he said yes, but that he wanted to lose it to me. He knows I am a virgin, too, and he knows that I have dated many jerks in the past and am not sexually active and that that isn't the type of girl I am. But anyway I reminded him that I was waiting until marriage and he asked me to make an exception! And I said no and he went on, saying he will do whatever it takes to see me naked someday. Then, he claimed to just be joking and I asked him why he had rejected those other girls and he said he didn't want it with them and asked me 2 send sexy pics! I said no and he said he was tired and would text me the next day, and have a goodnight love you "baby" which he had never called me before. Now it's been two days and nothing. What should I do? It's hard to believe that everything we have been through meant nothing to him. I know I should not try to dance around it, but I cannot wrap my head around the idea that all I ever was to him was a sex symbol. I mean, did it all mean nothing? Or is it just in the age? He's two years younger, which is why I am considering age. If he liked me when he met me, we were still kids and I doubt that is what was on his mind back then. Is it just a stage? Will it turn more serious once he matures a bit? I am willing to wait, but not on someone who will never respect me if that is all I am to him. I thought virginity didn't really matter to guys as long as they lost it, but when he said he wants to lose it to "me", could he mean that? And if so, if he likes me so much, he would be willing to set it aside, correct? I want to talk to him, but he has not answered and I am starting to think he will not answer. How can I maintain our friendship or find out his intentions? ANY suggestions or comments? PLEASE!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): Update: We've lost contact.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): There are a few details lacking, but I don't want to get too deep into it. I will have to see him for the rest of my life because my family loves him and they have no idea anything is going on. At first, he seemed so dreamy and maybe it's my fault for having built up a fantasy world around him. No one is perfect; I forgot to remember that. I will not see him again until next year or longer than that. I am afraid that by then, he will have lost it to someone else. I shouldn't be because I'm not willing to lose it to him so I guess I cannot blame him, but I got myself to think that he had saved it for me though probably false. What made me think that is that when we were younger there was this girl he liked a lot (he used to talk to me about her) and he told me while we were alone that he was a virgin and that he had the chances, including her. I was surprised that he wouldn't take advantage of the chance to sleep with her when he liked her so much. I knew her and I used to be very jealous of her when she would hang out with us, but she was also very kealous of me and would act very sexual towards him when I was around and would then give me this 'haha' stare. But anyways, she's now out of the picture and I'm still here, waiting on his response. I just wanted to talk to him about what happened the other night. Maybe he was just turned on? He also didn't grow up in a very healthy household and used to get into a lot of trouble, with both fighting and girls. I always told him to do better; I witnessed him fight a family member and tried stopping him. That was a long time ago, now he told me what he wants to do with his life: the college he wants to go to, etc. He hadn't told anyone else. I guess he could be a bs-er though that is never what I pictured him to be. Maybe he just needs to grow up a little. And yeah, lately he has been sounding like a creep and it isn't 'love-making' talk, it's sex talk. He still hasn't written me. It is really hard asking a guy to be in a relationship with you without sex in this day and age, but I think that if he waited all of this time without having sex, if he really does like me then he could wait a few more years. His mom did say that he's been feeling lonely and wonders why all of his friends have girlfriends but he doesn't. Is he just trying to get laid now because they're getting laid (or claiming it)? It's not that I do not want to have sex with him, I had dreamed of the day he would confess he loved me and we'd make LOVE. However, this sounds more like he's turned on by my body. He looked at my eyes and lips when I talked this last time I visited, but he did listen to every word I said because he would respond perfectly. He also remembers EVERYTHING we do and say; sometimes I slightly remember and he remembers every detail. One time, when I was younger I permed my hair and the lady burned it. He has curly hair and I didn't know how to do my hair, so he offered to do it (back then, I liked him but thought he didn't so I enjoyed having him run his hands through my hair). We were talking about it and he was remembering how it was burned and said something about my scalp I hadn't even remembered. We were just always together growing up. Also, I had my hair straightened the first day I saw him in this past visit. The last day before I left, he asked me if I had my hair straightened the first day. He just notices every little detail about everything. But I don't know. Maybe he's just a good observer. Back to the topic of sex; I want to, I had almost waited for it (expecting myself to be older and it being more romantic), but I have morals. Well, not really morals but I think it is better for after marriage due to all of the emotions involved. I want to know that the first (and hopefully only) person I make love to really loves me. I hope I can spend the rest of my life with this man. And if just the sex TALK is putting our relationship at risk, I can't imagine if we were to actually have sex. Plus, he's young; I don't want to be the one to take his youth because people do change. If he doesn't like it, he'll leave me. If he does, then being so young, he'll probably think "There's no way you're tying me down when I have all this time to explore." I doubt he would take me seriously any more, but instead more like a ho. I will wait for him to reply and if he doesn't, what should I do next time I see him? Ignore him? Thanks SOOOOOO MUCH! I don't have anyone else to talk to about this, so you have provided SO much help! Sorry it's so long!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): He is blowing his own trumpet, because he is a virgin he is trying to impress you with his vast vocabulary in sex words, he’s also trying to figure out if you’re really a virgin and not just teasing him to make a fool of him. Me being a man I understand these progressions in sexual behavior.I think he really has keep himself for you, if he hasn’t call, he will most likely be frighten to do so, you should give him a phone and explain you truly love him and want to get married.If anything you should phone and find out.
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A
female
reader, Viv Acious  +, writes (13 November 2010):
Hello.Let's just break this down into the very bare facts.Some young man you like has asked you to sleep with him and send him sexy pics. You have said no and now you haven't heard from him. Sounds like a creep to me.You are not a mind-reader and nor are we. We don't know what his thought processes are but we can look at his ACTIONS. Actions speak volumes. We have quite a good saying in the ole UK: He's all mouth and trousers. The point is that you don't do anything you feel uncomfortable with nor pressurised into , flattered into, cajoled into, bullied into nor manipulated into. The most important thing is that you take care of yourself and don't feel as if you've done anything wrong. You haven't. Do not give in to the silent treatment - it is als known as controlled hostility. The very best of luck.xx
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (13 November 2010):
 It may sound far-fetched but I think he wants to lose it to you BECAUSE of your close friendship. You are someone special to him, perhaps he sees his virginity as something so precious that losing it to you would mean more than anything to him. Perhaps that is why he is so eager to lose to you. But only you know whether or not he is the type of guy to see things this way. When he talked about sex, was he vile about it? Perverse? Or was he sensitive enough to talk delicately enough about it?
You may be right, it could be the hormones running amuck inside him, tarnishing his mind and forcing him to basically slap this friendship in the face. He does seem to show a complete lack of respect for your decision though so I would tread cautiously whilst trying not to judge him too harshly. I think it best that you keep trying to talk to him about it for the sake of your friendship.
I hope that helps.
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