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*ackie69
writes:hey,im in a dilemma,my ex i am still in love with dumped me in june because i looked at new farms and didnt want to go live with him in his dirty home(but it rly is).i need to make my own living, yes i didnt tell him i was doing so but now i am going to remain living locally and he told me if i did that and proved i loved him hed take me back, now it comes down to it he says he cant forgive my lie, even though its not bad i e=never cheated on him and i never been nasty.is he trying to hurt me by taking girls out and trying to punish me?does he deep down still love me as he wont tell me he doesnt anymore, im very hurt and confused.please tell me whether i should keep trying or has he deep down got commitment issues and needs to be single??he wont tell me he doesnt love me is what hurts x Reply to this Question
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female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (12 October 2012):
 Then why would you even ask if you should continue trying with him? The way you portray him is something of an emotional abuser...putting you down, keeping you down, etc.
And I do agree with my fellow Uncle about how your ex is a controlling scumbag. Don't communicate with the ex anymore...let him go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): "why has he placed all the blame on me when thinking about it its all his fault, putting me down, stopping me going out and trying to follow my dreams even though i offered to do them with him he wouldnt listen."Because he's too much of a coward to admit his own faults and shortcomings, but more importantly he knows exactly what buttons to push to get a rise out of you. "No offence but he does live in a filthy home which any respectful girl could never live in and he still couldnt see it?!"He can see it, he just doesn't care, but more importantly he knows exactly what buttons to push to get a rise out of you. "why do i still think about this ^^^^le!? grrrrrrrr been 4 months now,"Good question. My guess is he fawned over you, flattered you and fluffed your ego and vanity, "told you he loved you" and "treated you like a queen" (two perennial DC catchphrases of dysfunction), and you miss the attention, even when it was false and insincere and came from a controlling scumbag, which is probably why you originally claimed to be "still in love" with ex. "got a new guy hanging around that couldnt do more or be kinder to me - he's the way to go isn't he?"Not necessarily. Any controlling scumbag can and will "do more" and "be kinder" at the start, that's how controlling scumbags get vulnerable women to drop their defenses and lure them into unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships, overriding their common sense and good judgement by shamlessly playing to their ego and vanity. You're probably re-living the beginnings of your last relationship with the scumbag who dumped you yet you simply haven't learned.What personality or character traits does new guy have that you find attractive, appealing and/or endearing? Don't think in terms of what he can do for you, think how your presence in his life can enhance his strengths and mitigate his weaknesses and vice versa, otherwise you'll find yourself stuck in the exact same cycle of dysfunction.
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reader, jackie69 +, writes (11 October 2012):
jackie69 is verified as being by the original poster of the question yes he just wanted me to go work on his farm for nothing when i couldnt afford to do that.i think maybe he did want to be in control.Thing is im used to being a strong confident independent woman and he didnt like that and tried to keep me in , not talk to people and put me down in public sometimes.why has he placed all the blame on me when thinking about it its all his fault, putting me down, stopping me going out and trying to follow my dreams even though i offered to do them with him he wouldnt listen.No offence but he does live in a filthy home which any respectful girl could never live in and he still couldnt see it?!why do i still think about this ^^^^le!? grrrrrrrr been 4 months now, got a new guy hanging around that couldnt do more or be kinder to me - he's the way to go isn't he?
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reader, jackie69 +, writes (11 October 2012):
jackie69 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes i think he did feel i went behind his back maybe but he used a very small lie that never came to anything, as im not moving as a reason to dump me.
yes i do realise the man i thought loved me does not. bye
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reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (11 October 2012):
If you and your ex were talking about living together, why didn't you ask him to go look at new farms with you? Would he have been completely opposed to that? He probably felt like you went behind his back in looking at places to live.
I am also not sure what making your own living has to do with your boyfriend. Has he not allowed you to make your own living? Has he tried to control you? I feel like I'm missing half the story.
If he broke up with you and is seeing other women, I'd leave him alone. He broke up with you for a reason, and it was because somewhere along the line, you did not have the same goals. He doesn't have to tell you he no longer loves you...he does not owe you that, so let him be. I think it's immature to be requesting that a guy who has broken up with you tell you that he no longer loves you anyway. Some people break up, not due to whether they love someone or not, but because they can't reconcile their differences. In other words, they can't come to agreements about shared goals.
Go your own way an do your own thing. He is no longer interested in you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): "is he trying to hurt me by taking girls out and trying to punish me?"No, he doesn't care enough about you to hurt you or punish you; he's taking girls out because he's been single since he dumped you in June. "does he deep down still love me as he wont tell me he doesnt anymore, im very hurt and confused."No, he deep down doesn't love you and he told you as much when he dumped you in June and he's telling you as much now by taking girls out. "he wont tell me he doesnt love me is what hurts x"No need for him to SAY he doesn't love you, what he DOES (dumping you, taking girls out) should be sufficient proof of the obvious. "Does he have commitment issues and needs to be single?"He doesn't necessarily have commitment issues, he simply chose not to commit to you when he dumped you; he doesn't necessarily need to be single, he simply chose to be single when he dumped you.Sorry to be so seemingly harsh, but how many anvils have to fall on your head before you get it: HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU and so HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. Whether you believe the reason(s) he dumped you are invalid and whether you believe false promises he may have previously made to string you along are true is completely and totally irrelevant: He dumped you and he's taking out girls. Nothing you can do to change that inconvenient reality, nothing you can do to change his mind. I politely suggest you may find counselling helpful in accepting reality and moving on, only rational solution to your "dilemma."
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