A
female
age
30-35,
*oniqueEE
writes:Hi Dear Cupid Community,You've helped me out so much in the past so here goes.A few months ago my relationship broke down, we both lost respect, started dreading coming home to each other and started to avoid each other. We both had disgusting attitudes and were quite simply immature.The boyfriend did some lying etc and we have gone over the hurdle. Yesterday I found out (made him tell me) that he kissed another girl whilst we were going through this.The trust for me was broken by the lying before, he was unhappy but handled it stupidly. What hurts now is he continued to lie after we started mending through fear of losing me. (Strangely, deep down I knew he would have reached out for attention in another woman, it was one of things I was too self involved to bother giving to him) We've both cried and for some reason guys, I want to continue.Since we've started mending he has been the most attentive boyfriend. He's started looking at our future and regained confidence and got so much more involved with my family. He's even started looking for an engagement ring.My question:Does staying make me a fool? Does being in love with him make me weak? Most of all, does seeing my part all this and seeing that part of it was my fault make me an idiot?Thanks all:)
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female
reader, MoniqueEE +, writes (6 August 2015):
MoniqueEE is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the responses guys. It's strange but hearing that it doesn't make me weak to forgive but rather quite strong is liberating! I'm going to give this a good try and focus on the positive, and whatever happens I can say I gave it everything.
It's an incredible feeling, and I thank you all.
Sincerely
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2015): First of all, you are not a fool. If you geneuinely love him and have invested a lot in the relationship, then I think youd be a fool to let that go when you know it would make you unhappy. About three years ago, I was on the naughty end of this exact situation. My relationship was going stagnant, and although my SO and I loved each other dearly, our attitudes stunk. We took each other for granted. I went out and got drunk, and when a guy paid me attention it felt good. So I ended up kissing him. I regretted it instantly, and I didnt tell my SO because I thought it would be selfish to hurt him just to ease my own guilt, especially when I knew Id never do it again. THIS is why he didnt tell you. Its not that he doesnt regret it or nor does it mean he will do it again, because the remorse will serve as a reminder not to. My SO found out, and he was cross, as he had every right to be, but said no way would he consider leaving me for sometjing as small as a kiss. If you love him at all, youll give him this chance. Let him prove himself to you. My SO told me recently, although it didnt feel like it at the time, he is almost glad the kiss happened, because it jolted us out of the bad patch and made us realise we needed to treat each other better. There may always be some one who thinks its foolish or weak, my SO has had people call him a mug for taking me back, but, at the end of the day, these people are judgemental, have probably never been in the situation themselves and therefore dont know what theyd do in your shoes, and it really doesnt matter how they feel, but how YOU feel. Dont let pride or fear of looking like a fool stand in the way of your happiness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2015): It depends;Forgiving is noble and it liberates you from carrying resentment. It's a good thing!The question you want to ask is whether it is unwise to carry on a relationship with him. After all, you can forgive him and dump him.Have you figured out why your relationship broke down? Did / can you fix it? It would be unwise to carry on with the relationship when the core problem is still there.It sounds like you've both made some positive changes and things are heading in the right direction. But one thing you said stood out for me.'Strangely, deep down I knew he would have reached out for attention in another woman, it was one of things I was too self involved to bother giving to him'That is not a good thing to 'know' about your significant other. That he will cheat on you if things are not rosy in paradise. What if in the future for medical reasons you can't have sex for a few months? Then what? Or what if after you've had a baby you suffer post natal depression and you don't give him that attention? Can you trust that he will be there for you, helping you figure it out instead of running to another woman?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 August 2015):
 Not a fool. Just a "normal" bump in the road. We've all been there. Why are you questioning yourself? It's not foolish to have a big blow up and then gradually resume a loving relationship. No one seems to be at fault. Why look for problems when there are nione? Like they say down in Texas; "If it ain't broke don't fix it." Best of luck in your futures
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2015): hi. no it doesn't make you stupid etc at all. You guys both realised a couple of things here: firstly that your relationship had taken a nose dive, and secondly that you BOTH wanted to get your relationship back on track and find your connection again.He kissed another woman. he didn't tell you because he was most likely scared of losing you. He was trying to make himself feel desired and wanted and good momentarily while you twos relationship was deteriorating. It is a really bad way of trying to cope, and it may be something for you to be aware of in the future as his way of coping with thec rrelationship when and if it hits a bad patch again, but equally if this is out of character for how he acts in relationships then it could be a one off and you could put it down to where you guys were at at the time.right now, from what you are relaying you two have really connected and discussed what was going wrong, and are putting all your effort into building your future and taking care of your relationship. It doesn't mean what he did was ok because it isn't. but maybe he has learnt from it and I stress this is out of character for him, if I were you I would continue looking forward together, not backward, and feel glad you have found each other again x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2015): Be careful of the negative language that you are using towards yourself. If this is to be a happy reunion you need to think in terms of this being a wonderful new commitmant and renewed connection.It is on this level that you will be able to drive things forwards.You are in control of your own destiny and there will be no absolute certainty of the outcome.If you have achieved some emotional , spiritual or otherwise growth then you will have both gained something from the experience.Undoubtably your boyfriend was lying to you on the assumption that he didnt want to hurt you unnecessarily further.He may have felt regret and remorse.Most probably ,if he is out hunting for an engagement ring then he is like a puppy who just wont be able to stop wagging his tail, in a very happy frame of mind.I think normally you would go out together to choose the ring and it wouldnt hurt for him to treat you to a meal at the same time, so make sure you dont allow yourself to be sidelined again or get so stressed that you are pushing each other away.You are now more fully aware of each others character flaws and weaknesses so that is a good way to continue but as to the final outcome you ,yourselves control the future by your attitudes and behaviour to each other and the world around you.It is good to stay in apositive state of mind,because you will acomplish more together as a couple or individually.Some couples do battle through thick and thin, through highs and lows, through happy and sad times and their loyalty to each other keeps drivng things forward.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (5 August 2015):
It does not make you an idiot. It makes you a decent person. Forgiveness is a real virtue, and it’s hard. It’s hard because when we forgive, we don’t forget. When we remember how people have hurt us, it’s easy for that anger to remain within us and hard to let it go. It sounds like you have both made mistakes and have decided, after a lot of soul-searching, that you want to make a fresh start and rebuild your relationship. It sounds like both of you are really trying. You are no fool. You’re not excusing his behaviour just because you acknowledge that both of you contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. You’re not failing to see his imperfections, and you’re not turning a blind eye to some-one who has betrayed you and is totally unrepentant about it. You are somebody who recognises, unlike so many others, that relationships and commitment involve hard work. If both of you are willing to put the past behind you, identify what went wrong and resolve sincerely to make the necessary changes, there’s no reason why your future can’t be a happy one.
I wish you all the very best.
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