A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, this might sound like quite a broad question but I'm interested to know people's thoughts.My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 4 years and we're planning on moving in together this year. We've lived together on and off over the years between jobs and uni and stuff, but we've almost got to the stage where we can settle down permanently now. However, I'm swinging back and forth between being eager to move into the next stage of my life and thinking about marriage and kids and a vegetable garden, but on the other hand, part of me is thinking... how do you know you're with the right person? How do I know I'm not settling?My boyfriend is so easy-going, he never overthinks anything, but it's something I'm prone to doing... I don't believe in "the one" and soulmates, I'm too much of a British cynic for that. But I'm not sure where that leaves me. If you don't have that belief, how can you ever be sure you're with the right person? I almost envy people who find it that straightforward!I'm definitely happy, but I wonder if I could be even happier. I wonder what it would be like to be with a man who is more "conventionally handsome" (I'd call my boyfriend more cute and cuddly), or someone who is more exciting than homey, or just... different to what I'm used to. I never used to have much difficulty attracting new people, both men and women, and I feel like I could have so many different lives with so many different types of people... so how do I know that this is going to be the right life for me? Is it normal to not always feel sure? Does everyone "settle" a bit, or does everyone really believe in the fairy tale stuff and think they're with "the one"?
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female
reader, 0livia  +, writes (20 April 2020):
 I've settled w my man. We have a strong connection but hes not the one. One of the factors that keep us together is that the good outweighs the bad. When it's good, it's awesome but when it's bad, it's toxic. Another major component is that he never wants to break up and I'm a sucker cos he's my 11 y.o's dad *shrugs* ..... im human
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2020): Settling is when you commit and submit to being with someone totally incompatible, they don't share your values, have little in-common; and they offer very little (or nothing) of what you need in a relationship. People are lazy, impatient, entitled, and don't want to bother to work on their own weaknesses and insecurities. Instead, they'll just hitch their wagon to somebody, anybody, that will let them. They don't really love them, and they don't really trust them. They simply tell themselves that it's better than being alone; or "it will take too long to find somebody that really cares for me." If nobody can see the future, how do people make these predictions?
Before online-dating sites; dating used to be a random-process given to chance. It was meant to be fun, a means of socializing; and getting to know someone you find attractive and interesting. You chose an individual based on an immediate spark, or the way your personalities clicked. You started with a superficial-attraction; then pursued the probability and possibility of forming romance. Simply based on a hunch, a good-vibe, and an initial-chemistry. Instinct!
Nowadays you read phony profiles, fake hyped-up personal-assessments, view filtered and photo-shopped pics; and chat endlessly online...making-up a personality as you go. Assimilating the qualities and customizing a persona to fit the description laid-out on somebody's wish-list. Offering nothing better than an "assumed-identity!" The human-process of selection, and the option of mentally forming a summation of your desired human-qualities; based on the "observation" of strangers you've met. In cyberspace, this is virtually non-existent!
Dating is supposed to be a process of selection and evaluating another person as a match; to see if they are compatible for romance and companionship. To determine if they are trustworthy, and reliable. You also wanted to fulfill some of your fantasies. As long as they're not too far-fetched or creepy! That's mostly what people look for it seems; instead of what they can actually live with in reality. Just fantasy!
Everybody has insecurities. EVERYBODY! There are people who embrace and celebrate their insecurities (mostly fixable, if they'd even try) over their better character-attributes; they don't bother being the best they can be. It's because they're the kind of self-centered people who think the world owes them something. "I'm not as pretty as my sister or other girls!" "All the other guys know how to charm the women, I'm not as good with women as they are!" We all have our own unique qualities and attractive attributes that are yet to be discovered by the right-person. Does anybody have patience, or any faith? They want it all now! Waiting and searching is too much, just take any-ole-body! The people who take their time, use discernment, suffer a few failures, and learn from mistakes; they are the ones who find love, and form enduring and lasting relationships. They find partners for the long-term, or for life! They persevere, and don't give-up! They keep trying, until they get it right! They don't worry about how long it takes, they just keep their eyes open, they stay open-minded, they are optimistic, and let their commonsense guide and protect their fragile-hearts. You can't avoid failures and bad-apples! They are part of the learning and training-process. You develop strength, your mettle, and survival-skills. You use what you've learned to make better choices. Not be a life-long victim! Always hosting pity-parties, and giving people power over your emotions or feelings.
These kind of people feel no need to address their "issues!" They would rather slap a fancy psycho-babbled label on it, brag about being in therapy, take a menagerie of pills; and expect everyone to tiptoe around them. While handling them with kit gloves. They go out and seek people willing to accept them faults and all; even if these people are worse-off than they are! I'm not talking about disabled people. I'm talking about folks who just gave-up, and hate life because they weren't born rich and beautiful, or they got rejected by someone they obsessed over. They just throw themselves away! The hookup with losers, players, drug addicts, porn addicts, alcoholics, secret cross-dressers, lady-beaters, man-whores, man-babies, people allergic to work, thieves, liars, and anything that would drive their parents to an early-grave! In some cases, they'll end-up in an early-grave!!!
We all have some emotional-scars left from our bad-choices. You shouldn't seek new love, until you've gotten-over the old-one. Relationships should not be used as a refuge from ourselves.
You're not bringing anything equal to what you're getting; when you've found someone loving, affectionate, and eager to accept you as you are. You're bringing them grief and unhappiness.
You've found someone to dump all your baggage on! Don't take more than you can give!
I'm specifically referring to men and women who have been rejected or hurt a few times. Especially those who couldn't get the person that they wanted; so, they decide they were rejected, because they're so unworthy. They resign themselves to being worthless and toss themselves on the bargain bin for Lottie, Dottie, and anybody. Allowing themselves to be treated like a severely-disabled rescue-pet. Some submit to mean and abusive-people, to be treated terribly; so they can wallow in pity and play the victim. They are often smart, sensitive, kind, creative, and very talented-people. They resent life for not offering guarantees and promising them happiness 24/7; and not getting whatever they want, when they want it. They'll just take the first man or woman who comes along, and gives them the time of day. Knowing it won't work, but just "settling!" "Meh...whatever!!!"
You sometimes have to suck-it-up, and just let-go of relationships that aren't fulfilling your needs. Dragging you down, and holding you back. Killing your spirit. Be sure you set realistic goals, and have sensible and practical expectations. Don't set standards you yourself can't meet! Marriages require hard-work; and an exhausting-effort to keep them going. You'll know when to give-up; but not before trying your best. If you're the only one trying, don't waste your time. Let it go! Then move-on and move forward. Don't look back!
I understand how sometimes you can be so beaten down and dejected, that you get embittered and cynical. It's a normal human-weakness to feel hopeless after a series of failures. We also become content and complacent; and we'll cling to people we don't even love, because it's convenient or practical. Financial-security, prestige, and greed make some people stay with horrid monsters; because they like being able to shop and flaunt their wealth. Wealth not actually theirs; but they get to appreciate all the benefits, in spite of the underlying-unhappiness and abuse.
Finding the right-one is sometimes a difficult and lengthy process. Kissing a whole pond-full of frogs and toads! If you'll maintain the faith, patience, and optimism it takes; you don't have to settle. Sometimes people find true-love late in life; but not many are willing to endure that. I found true-love (the second-time), when I stopped searching. I just decided, I will be good to whomever is good to me. God blessed me! I got everything I wanted; because I didn't set a timeline or rush at anything. I believed I would, and that I could. By the grace of God, it happened!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 April 2020):
 There isn't a "The One" specially MADE for you. That only happened for Adam and well, he lost a rib...
Joking aside, there are people who are a GOOD fit for you, and whom YOU are also a good fit. THAT is what I'd aim for. Someone that you can talk to, feel attracted to, share a bond with, share values, morals, ideas with. Doesn't have to be a "male clone" of you or version of you, but to share common goal, hopes and dreams DOES help.
After 4 years together, things have "settled" down a bit between you, the "newness" is gone, you know him and HE knows you. While you might find that LIVING together will show you a different side of him and him of you. It's still a person you know well.
So yes, I can see why you are thinking, I have ALL these choices and options, IS HE right for me? No one can tell you that he is or isn't. ONLY you can work that out.
The GRASS is not always greener elsewhere, it's greener where you water it. Meaning that If you have something solid and GOOD with this guy, WORKING on the relationship AND yourself as you move forward together MIGHT be preferable to "trying" it on with someone else.
Does everyone "settle" a little bit, yes. Because NO ONE is perfect or a "perfect fit". It's just not realistic.
The reason we have the notion of "The One" is part cultural and part religion. It's an IDEAL. And we, human beings, like IDEAL. Just like we like HOPE.
I have been married over 20 years and I think (if I am being critical) that yes, we "settled" for each other in a way, but it has ALSO worked out FOR us. We both have flaws, idiosyncrasies, annoying habits, etc etc. But we also have many things in common, one of many is WE work well together, we can BOTH compromise, we ENJOY each other's company (on most days) and we can see ourselves keep growing old with each other.
Could you end up with someone else on a whole other "path" in life? Sure. You could also end up with someone who make your life a living hell. There is NO way of knowing right of the bat if someone is a good fit or not. Though... I'd say you should kind of have an INKLING if this guy is someone you can see yourself marry, have kids with, grow old with, after 4 years together.
And remember HE is also "settling" for you. Isn't he?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (19 April 2020):
 I think that we all give up something we may have originally wanted when we went looking for "the one". No one is perfect, we all have flaws but the bottom line is that are you with someone that you love? Do they make you happy? Are the flaws insignificant enough that at the end of the day you still want them by your side?
I still adore my husband and we've been together going on 20 years. My heart still skips a beat when he walks into the room, I still love the sound of his voice and I love falling asleep at night with him by my side.
Is he perfect? Nope but find his "imperfections" adorable and even if he says or does something that might annoy me, its insignificant because his good qualities are SO good. He's sweet, kind, thoughtful, funny, I find him very attractive, and he's smart but very humble. AND..most importantly, he puts up with my imperfections. I can't imagine life without him.
I don't think there is a "Mr Right" or a "Ms Right" for anyone but you make someone "your right". Remember..the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence but it may seem that way. You may think your guy isn't perfect, leave him and find another man that has qualities your guy didn't have...the bad may outweigh the good.
I dated alot when I was younger and I'll be honest..I liked good looking guys. What lady doesn't? Some of those good looking guys turned out to be the biggest jerks you would ever want to encounter! I'll take a sweet kind man any day over a stud who thinks he's all that and then some. Some of the sweetest guys in the world aren't the best looking or the richest but their hearts of gold make up for looks tenfold.
If I settled...then I must have made millions, because to me my husband is far better than I ever hoped to have. I wouldn't trade him in for anything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2020): "The one" is just a fairy tale idea. The reality is we choose someone who becomes our one. We choose the qualities we can handle and work with the faults we can handle, and commit.
Does everyone "settle"? Yes. No one is with the "perfect" man who existed in the dreams of girlhood fairytales, who has absolutely every perfect quality. All of my friends I know sacrificed SOMETHING- maybe they got an amazing man who is kind, but is not the greatest kisser, maybe they got someone who is really adventurous but totally impractical and leaves the family often to go on adventures, etc.
I understand that maybe you don't have a lot of dating experience, and just wonder what "different" would hold. More adventure? maybe. But probably also more pain and fighting.
If you are quite happy, and you say you are, then believe me that is as good as it is going to get. Even if you found a more attractive man, it would not feel any better than what you have now. I say this as a person who has had a lot of different relationships over the years. Because I was someone like you, who just wondered what different kinds of relationships would bring to the table. And I was always hoping for that man who was everything- eloquent, read poetry, was artistic and sensitive, and of course the perfect kisser who knows just how to hold me. Yeah...let me tell you, those men turned out to be really unreliable and prone to a whole set of narcissistic problems, and sometimes falling for other women. It was nothing like the dream I had imagined. Then I dated other types of guys- "butch" outdoorsy guys, handsome and rugged- again turned out to have alcohol issues and temper. In the end I missed my very first boyfriend, who was just an average fellow, but was kind and good and I was happy.
My story does have a happy ending, as I eventually learned my lesson after many years. Found a great, kind, so called "average" guy, and we married. To this day I am very happy with him. He is committed, reliable and so caring. He doesn't always have the most exciting ideas and I have to work to bring out his adventurous side. But our bond is so strong. I am thankful after the gruelling 9-5 pace to come home and know that I have someone who just cares for me without dramatics. Someone who is willing to listen to me and happy to be a constant companion to me in whatever I choose to do.
I don't think I would have so-called "settled" with him if I hadn't had all my life experiences. It took lots of experiences to realize that no one is perfect, that I had to give up that fantasy. Unfortunately, you may find yourself in a place where you have to learn that for yourself. But hopefully you don't and you can just be content with what you have.
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