A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a 58 year old married man with a question...My wife and I have always had a very good sex life in the past, but over the last couple years that has slowly changed to the point that she shows no interest at all anymore, and I'm tired of begging, which rarely makes a difference anyway...she always has an excuse not to do it...I'm at the point where I have almost totally lost MY desire for sex, which is something I never thought would happen...I dont understand it all, and It worries me...My wife and I have no major health issues, and she seems happy otherwise...not depressed or stressed out...should i leave and become a monk, or something else? And please dont tell me that I should be thankful for what i have, because I do and always have, but this issue is really taking its toll. I need some objective advice...Thanks...
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depressed, married man, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2020): If you didn't do anything to bring this on, like have a fling -- there is hope. You must know what turns her on after being with her so long. Think of something you guys did in your 20's that really turned her on, like outdoor sex -- then go there. Play out her fantasies. Have her write out a porn scene, maybe a handyman who gets his way with the lady of the house; then acted it out (without a camera on)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2020): Don't go straight for the begging for sex. If she isn't feeling it, that's gonna make her even more turned off. Take sex off the table, but make her feel desired, without sex being the pay off. Just pay her attention, women love attention on the whole, look at her like you love her, like you really fancy her, with soft, happy eyes. Compliment her in a respectful way AND another time in a naughty way. BUT leave her alone physically, other than maybe giving her a quick cuddle as you pass, kiss her hair, tell her she smells nice, make her laugh, BUT take the pressure for sex away.At the same time, make sure that you are someone she would WANT to have sex with. Look after yourself, be interesting and interested in new things, be happy and great to be around, like you were when you wanted to attract the attention of a woman when you were younger and out on the town.The trouble is often (I'm not accusing you of this), but especially on this site, we hear men complaining that their wife no longer wants sex, but perhaps don't realise that they have stopped making an effort themselves. If there is any kind of resentment that she is doing all the housework, with no assistance, or that you watch porn or ogle other women, well that turns us right off.The way to a woman's sex drive is the same as it's always been. Make her feel gorgeous, wanted, desired, do your bit around the house and be someone she wants to get into bed with. BUT take the pressure OFF. I heard a man who lectures in human behaviour talk about courting and he said that if a man takes sex off the table, the woman will put it back on. That is, IF she still desires you, has no resentment towards you etc. It made me think of a man I once dated who I really liked and fancied like hell. I always felt safe around him, because he NEVER tried it on with me. Well, not in an overt way. He would just sit and cuddle me and maybe stroke my arm, or kiss my hair and then go right back to watching the film or whatever. There was never any pressure from him, and guess what, after an hour or so of this, he always got laid!There is also her age to consider, when sex hormones fall off a cliff and her desire is less. Pump up her desire in the ways I have explained, if that fails then ask if she would see a doctor about lowered sex drive and the possibility that sex has become painful, which obviously happens when our hormones drastically reduce. Good luck
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (21 April 2020):
 Hello Op,
Your frustration is well noted, as a lot of couples are in your shoes.
As we get older, sex no longer becomes how often we have it, but more of...How much gasoline is added to the flames. You wife my no longer feel like a hot spunky woman you use to know, and needs some reassurance from you that she's still got it. Just saying I love you will not do.
Ask yourself this...or better yet...put yourself back into your 25 year old self. You are single, horny as hell, and this older woman...aka your wife...shows you that she maybe interest in some "fun". How would handle her back then?? Maybe that is exactly what she needs right now. For you to add the gasoline. She may not say it, as to avoid offending you, but she may very well be thinking it.
Maybe things have become routine. Maybe she wants to feel a little naughty.
I know I have become more interested in the wild side the older I get. My partner's lack of the wild side makes me not very interested in sex myself.
Maybe she has some fantasies she wants to try, but afraid you will say no, or just to embarrassed to ask for them.
Talk to her with a completely open mind. No judging, and let her express her deepest needs to you. Heck, it may wake up that 25 year old you after all.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2020): Instead of being defensive why don’t you stop and consider the questions people are asking you . These are some very real things that commonly happen to cause women to go off sex . It doesn’t happen without reason . You insist your wife has no health issues and is not droressrx or stressed . SOMETHING is happening to cause her to not want sex with you. If yoh are serious about resolving the issue you need to stop being so prideful and consider the fact that there’s is a strong possibility there is something yoh are either doing or not doing . Healthy non depressed women don’t just stop wanting sexual with loving attentive partners for no reason!
I’m her age and I can tell you that in a happy relationship a woman’s sex drive easily stays strong or even grows
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2020): So tell us , are you using porn ? This is a sure fire way to turn her off especially if she has to endure knowing you watching women half her age and then coming to her For relief as so many older m n seem to feel entitled to do this may be fine for SOME women but MANY find it not ok and it can sure turn off the flow of sex over time , in a major way . Just makes many of us mature women feel totally used and unappreciated . Not saying you’re doing that but by the sounds of your post and your suggestion of this something else you can do you sound like your hinting at cheating or paying for women.You sound aggressive angry and entitled to be honest What you’re supposed to do about a wife who doesn’t want sex with you is A) talk to her about it B) if that’s not possible or goes nowhere suggest counselling meC)if that’s not possible I or goes nowhere divocerce but never cheat !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2020): So what did your wife say when you talked to her about it ?
Do you use porn or look at younger women making her feel bad about getting older ?
What have you done to address the issue ?
When you talk about ‘ something else ‘ what exactly are you hinting at ?
More information please
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2020): I am the creator of this post---so far all i have to say, is in response to WiseOwls answer...Oh my god...what is the problem? You turned me into some sort of insensitive monster, who only cares about myself...I was shaking my head in disbelief the entire time i was reading your answer..you sound like you have serious issues with other men..if this is because of something that happened in the past in your marriage, well thats not my fault...the ficticious monster you describe is not me and never was...After reading your answer, I couldnt help but wonder why you call yourself WiseOwl...maybe old, mean,difficult,and grouchy Owl! And not all seniors are wise just because of their age...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2020): Although sex-drive decreases with age, declining health, excessive drinking and/or or smoking, dropping hormone-levels, and the lack of exercise. Some people just feel having sex is unnecessary once they're older. Post-menopausal women sometimes suffer vaginal-dryness, and sex is painful. They could take-it or leave-it. She may have "faked-it" for a number of years; and you were too into your own needs to really notice one-way or the other.
Let me clue you in on a few things that often gets overlooked by selfish-men with very forceful and intimidating-personalities. With swollen-egos and too macho for their own good! Used to calling the shots, pushing everybody around, and thinks he's Mr. Know-it-all! He never takes his wife on romantic-vacations, never takes her out to dinner, or dancing. He stares at younger women in-front of her. Flirts with the wives of his friends, or his own brothers. Flirts with young female-servers when you're out socializing; on those rare occasions that it ever occurs that you go-out. When you can't even see your own negativity, bullying, and controlling ways; but never hesitate to tell her what you don't like about her.
If you're the kind of guy who corrects your wife in-front of people. You ignore her when she's talking to you. Never compliment her new dress, her hair, or her body. Never think to bring her flowers or little gifts. It's always your way, or the doorway! Maybe you have a really sloppy, clumsy, or gross love-making technique! How do you tell somebody that? If you're never gentle or sweet. If you never kiss your wife, never show her spontaneous-affection. Yell nasty insults at her. Forget all special-occasions and her birthdays. Your parents/family have always been mean to her; but you never stood-up for her. Women never forget! It sucks all the passion and any desire for you right out of them!
If sex for you all these years has been "hop-on-top, ejaculate, rollover, and snore!" It gets repetitive, predictable, and boring! If you never practice romance, use tenderness, and do simple things like hold her hand, grab her around the waist, compliment her, and brag about her to your friends. You are the typical dried-up old crusty horny-dog women just get tired of; and just wish you'd get erectile-dysfunction and leave her alone. If your only excuse is always "that's just how I am;" when she tries to discuss what she wants from you. That is, If you even bother to discuss your marriage and relationship; because in your opinion, it's just fine the way it is. Not if she has been trying to tell you something!
In order to want sex, it often helps when your partner makes you feel sexy. When people show you they feel you're still sexy; even when they don't actually want to have sex. That encouragement goes straight to your head; and from there it sinks into your heart. That blood flows to all your kinky-spots! Do you know all her happy-places? Do you always pay them a visit?
Think about how you've treated her over the years. I mean really think about it! Without being defensive and stubborn. If you haven't kept her feeling loved and appreciated; the passion slowly evaporates, and you get a cold-fish in the place of the warm and loving woman you used to know. Many men grow older, get set in their ways, become difficult, mean, and grouchy. They still expect their kids to love them, and expect their wives to want them on-top of her... grunting, sweating, slobbering, and panting like a dying old-dog! NOT!!!
If you're guilty of only one of the things I've described above; and it has been consistent over many years. You've reached the threshold, and she just isn't feeling it for you like she used to.
If you've let yourself go, never dress-up for her, you're smelly, sweaty, overly-hairy, and stink of stale beer, old scotch-breath, and cigarettes. That's no turn-on, my friend! Ask any woman!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2020): Take up a mistress my friend. Where is the problem.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 April 2020):
 Dear female anon,
NO older people don't "lose their ability to have sex" they might lose their libido or drive for it, as it's not really inherently "needed" as (women mostly) are no longer fertile. Some people (men AND women are having sex way older than 58...)
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OP, your wife is hitting menopause or she ALREADY hit menopause, and it can cause a drastic level of libido to drop. There isn't the same amount of hormones going on after the menopause, there can be dryness below, and it can become painful to have sex. Of course SOME of these things can be helped with lubricants but overall, BIOLOGICALLY it is a NATURAL progression.
You options seems a little off kilter, leave or becomes or a monk seems just plain silly. I get that you still would like to enjoy the intimacy of sex and I think TALKING to your wife and TOGETHER find a solution would be MY first option. There are other ways to be affectionate and intimate. Maybe start there instead of going straight to I WANT sex.
Telling your wife that you MISS the physical intimacy would be a good start.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2020): The reality, dear sir, is that you are 58 years old. Many people lose their abilities to have sex at your age. So yes, you SHOULD be thankful for all the years you've had. The idea that you would consider leaving a marriage that has been happy up to this point is pretty terrible.
Maybe if you change your attitude and stop giving yourself ultimatums (even if only in your head and not voiced to your wife), maybe if you relax a bit things will settle into a new normal. Try talking compassionately to your wife and perhaps see if there is some road block in particular, physically or mentally. Perhaps her doc can prescribe her some things to make sex more comfortable again. Perhaps you need to learn some new techniques or slower warm up techniques to suit this new period in her life.
But leaving? If you found another woman at this age, chances are her sex drive would be low as well.
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