A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My partner handed me their laptop so I could take a zoom meeting and I guess didn’t realize they had left their Instagram open. Well, he just made this new Instagram yesterday He had an old one which he had also kept a secret from me up until I guess he deleted it. He goes by secret pseudonyms and follows random people I used to know or he used to work with. Usually like 13 people. He constantly reminds me that he loves me and I’m the only one for him but we met online 5 years ago and now I’m starting to think he’s doing the same thing he did when we met (as in reach out to women online for relationships or a spark). I’m not sure what to do since yes, the Instagram was up so it was not a violation of privacy but he did lie to me and I never confronted him about knowing about the previous Instagram since it was a suggested page on my own. What would you do?
View related questions:
met online, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2020): Yeah it seems like he has made these accounts to look at attractive photos of females without you knowing. He may not be actually trying to cheat, but it is still really disrespectful and hurful imo. You need to ask him about it, without attacking first, and calmly and coolly say "be honest, are you making these secret accounts to look at the photos of other females". "Are you looking for opportunities to cheat"?
See what he says and go from there.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 April 2020):
 I both agree and disagree with Kenny.
I think if this is something that bothers you, BRING IT UP sooner rather than later.
As for him having a "secret Instagram" where he follows people you both know, I don't really think it HAS to be a sign of him looking to cheat, I mean... IF he really wanted to find someone to create an emotional affair or whatnot with... WHY do it with people you both know? Or have known?
And I don't think HIS social media (for the most part) is any of your business. UNLESS what he is doing is downright detrimental to the relationship or inappropriate in general. Following people you know and he has worked with is not necessarily a shady act. It might be curiosity is seeing what they are up to, if they talk about you or him or might be people he want to reconnect with for (for instance) work purposes.
Now if all these people are ALL women, then yeah that can seem pretty shady. And if he was DM'ing them with propositions then yes, mega shady, but then WHY would you not instantly confront and dump him?
Using a fake name isn't necessarily shady either. It might be to be anonymous for whatever reason.
If I decided to make an Instagram account for shits and giggles I would NOT feel a need to inform my husband or ask his permission. Nor would I feel my husband OWES me to inform me if HE made one.
You say he KEPT his old Instagram a "secret" from you, but did he really? Did you ask him, hey are you in Instagram? And he said no (that would be a lie), but not telling you is not lying.
I think IF you want a HEALTHY relationship having conversations and ASKING about things is probably - communication IS key. I know it sounds like a bumper sticker, but it's true. Being able to TALK about things instead of making up "scenarios" in your head is probably overall going to help you more.
As for whether is was a violation of privacy, I'd say you are wrong.
Yes, he LET you use his laptop, but go look at what he had on it. It would be like leaving his diary out in the open and you reading it. It still violate HIS privacy.
He didn't say hey feel free to look at anything on my laptop. If he had, then there would have been absolutely no violation of privacy.
But that is neither here nor there. TALK to him. We can't tell you what he is thinking. Neither can you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2020): [EDIT]
Typo correction:
"They do have boundaries of privacy."
Being his girlfriend, you can still keep some secrets; because he may not be the last boyfriend you'll ever have. Then you'll be left wondering what stuff he knows he'll share with others you never wanted anybody to know. Different with wives and husbands, their vows meant they've forsaken all others; and the commitment is for life. A violation of trust in a marriage is grounds for a divorce. That's no little thing!
Transparency and truth is a must to maintain love! If your boyfriend is cheating on the internet, and you have always know that. Why are you still together?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2020): Once you discover something shady, and it's seriously upsetting you; you have to address your source of concern and irritation. You should confront that person, or persons. I agree with Kenny, sooner rather than later. You've accused your boyfriend of being a liar. If he's untrustworthy and prone to lying, then you're justified. It also raises the question of why you're still together, if you've always known that?
My partner and I exchange and borrow devices; and it never occurs to me to spy. I respect the privacy of others, and expect the same. I have to maintain trust, and judge my partner by how I am treated. I know his values and character. I respect him and love him for them.
If there are side-communications with unknown-people, or secret pseudonyms he goes by; I don't want to know. Unless the evidence presents itself proving that he's cheating, and he's busted. I wouldn't just assume the worse; unless I knew all the facts and details. It's not my shtick to go searching or digging for "aha...I gotcha!!!" moments in my relationships. I want to be caught completely by surprise. That allows him a moment of considering the consequences, contemplating on how to redeem himself, and a chance to stop. Knowing his character, I know he would find a way to atone for his mistakes. I may never have known. Not because I've buried myself in-denial, but I trust him like that.
Trust and respect runs deep in my relationship; and I'm far from delusional or naive. I don't snoop or open Pandora's boxes; unless I'm ready to deal with whatever I went snooping for. I'll deal with problems and issues we have out in the open. Stuff that occurs in the daylight; without hunting or snooping for the hidden ones. I've got my own faults and issues that he has to contend with. I'm not quick to judge and convict him.
You didn't specify if you found any evidence of cheating or wrong-doing. Just following people from both your pasts is simply curiosity; and if there is no exchange of communication indicating any sort of messing-around, there is no cause for alarm or to bother. You don't need to know his every secret; and there are surely some dark things lurking in your mind and soul you wouldn't want anybody to find-out or expose. If it causes no harm to anyone, and it isn't something illegal; I'd pretend I never found anything. Unless there's the guilt on your shoulders that you stole him from his previous-girlfriend through the internet? What goes around, comes around...doesn't it? I would understand some measure of paranoia and concern.
If you are a person with trust-issues and of a suspicious-nature; you'll never enjoy a relationship with anybody. Even worse, nobody will ever enjoy a relationship with you. You claim he lied to you; so that's supposed to justify the "snooping" you're refusing to call snooping. If I only kept count of every female who comes to DC who snoops and spies on a boyfriend; and claims he lied to them first. Seems good-reason to have dumped him before finding/spying for more incriminating-evidence!
Wives and husbands get to snoop on each-other. Married-people shouldn't be sneaking-around or hiding things from their spouses. Secrets hidden, because you're up to no-good is a betrayal of your vows and dishonor to your marriage. That goes far beyond lies told by boyfriends or girlfriends!
Boyfriends and girlfriends are on an honor-system. The do have boundaries of privacy. They've never taken vows; so secrecy is not as much of a strenuous matter of contention. If you have a sneaky unreliable-boyfriend; then I guess you should confront him. If you can't trust him, there is no reason to keep him. The advantage over marriage is, you don't have to go through the trouble of divorcing him! Don't commit to people you cannot trust.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (20 April 2020):
 I think this subject needs to be broached with him sooner rather than later.
Yes it is rather strange that he is going by different names and following old friends of yours, and old colleagues.
whilst i think that what he is doing is weird, i think if he was looking for relationships or a spark he would go on a proper dating sate such as tinder, or something like this. And the fact that he handed you his lap top with this still open is maybe a sign that he is not upto anything, but rather just being nosy and wanting to see what people are doing, but does not want the people to know its him.
Again im not condoning what he has done, because i think its wrong. He has been secretive and lied to you. A relationship is built on trust, if there is no trust there normally relationships don't last that long, as trust is one of the biggest contributing factors that bind a relationship together. If he has lied about a secret instagram account, what other secret accounts has he got.
Talk to him sooner rather than later.
Good luck
...............................
|
