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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a long distance relationship. I havn't seen him for so long. Got to his place last night, and things felt so awkward. I don't know why but I feel I want to keep distance, I don't want to get emotionally attached to him again, as I have to go home to finish off at Uni. But I want to keep our relationship going, we had something amazing. It just seems like what we had isn't there anymore, like it is just memories. How can that happen? Does chemistry fade? Will it come back? He said he feels strange as well. I went to bed with him last night, after I got to hos late, and it felt like getting into bed with a stranger. I still really care for him and we talk every night, when I'm away from him, we share everything. I used to fancy the pants off him, like I'd want to sleep with him all the time. I don't feel that now. But how can that happen? He's the same person :(I think in a way I'm protecting myself, because I have felt that he doesn't treat me right at times, and rejects me sexually because I have a high sex drive(this all happened months ago) and I don't want to give him the upper hand. Am I subconsciously protecting myself from hurt, by not allowing myself to fall for him, when i see him in real life?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLol! yup well spotted Cindy.
To be fair, around the time when I would have needed to apply for post grad courses, i hadn't considered teaching, because I didn't feel I had the confidence/personality for it. It was only after doing my placement in January that I realised it would be something I could really enjoy and be good at. So it wasn't an actual decision to postpone my dreams, rather, I decided to allow myself more time to make sure I'm making the right decision career wise, and this actually coincides with wanting to give my relationship time to work out either way. I had been wanting to go into art therapy, which requires a certain number of hours unpaid experience, which I would have had to have done in a year out anyway. But I do agree with you, one should never hold themselves back for love. And if it is meant to be, it will be. But if love fades over distance, then I would regret not giving it a chance. I don't know, maybe I am being naive and should put myself first. Either way I need to just focus on finishing uni work now, and taking everything from there. Thanks for all the great advice :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): Don't worry OP you weren't presuming anything and you are right to question that kind of relationship in the way that I put it.
Besides I'm making assumptions too, you see we don't know each other and we can only base our opinions and advice based on the tiny nugget of info we get from people. The more I read your updates the more my opinion varies slightly. The thing is OP your latest update tells me you know exactly what is happening here, it also tells me that you know exactly how to solve it. Give it time, get through this transitional period and see where you are then. Don't make any drastic changes or decisions regarding your relationship, just get yourself settled and get all the stuff you need done, done. There is lot of uncertainty now at the moment in your life decisions you've made that you're now questioning, things you have still to set in motion. Once you have done all that stuff and are back in a position of security your mind will have calmed down a bit and you'll see things more clearly.
With your greater independence and the fact that you no longer have this naive admiration of people and the fact that you now demand a lot more respect from people, things will be different but not necessarily worse. He'll have to adapt this OP but ease him in to it too. Don't try and make him change just ensure that he gives as much as he takes. If he's unwilling or unable to do that then I think you know what has to happen. I think it's not a case of him changing OP more the fact that you've grown in your time at uni, there is every possibility that you will grow out of this relationship too.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 April 2011):
 I wrote my post BEFORE reading your update , it sounds like I got it right : you ARE mad at the guy !
Anyway, after reading the update, here's some- unsolicited ,ok - advice. Don't put on hold or modify your plans for this guy. For any guy ! no man, no LOVE ,
is enough to justify not becoming the best you can become and manifesting your talents and strengths in the best possible way you are offered. No lover will EVER compensate for your not having become the person you COULD have become- if you had made your choices putting yourself first.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry Cerberus, I didn't mean to be rude or presumptuous about your friend, I guess I was upset by your suggestion that my relationship was basically just friendship. I understand what you were saying about distance restricting intimacy, but you can still have emotional intimacy long distance.
It's not the possiblity of having nothing but my partner, after Uni, I have friends whene he lives as it is my home town. Plus I have plans to volunteer abroad with a friend for a couple of months in september. And I will have to get a job, hopefully something that will give me experience that will benefit my progress towards becoming an art teacher.
I think, the thing is, if things don't work out with my boyfriend, when we are together for an extended time, then I will regret not getting into a postgrad course this year. But if I applied for a course, I would have felt that I hadn't given our relationship the chance I feel it deserves. Perhaps being together again for a year will help us to connect again and get back the intimacy we had in the beginning. I've stayed with this man for 3 whole years while at Uni, when I could have got with other guys there, I wouldn't have done that for any guy. It was because we had something amazing. But I'm not stupid or naive, I know people change. But I also know relationships take work, and I am a very loyal person. I don't end relationships lightly. I don't get into them lightly either.
I guess I am just in turmoil over things at the moment because I am reaching a crossroads. The end of Uni means a lot of goodbyes and a lot of decisions. Endings always throw issues up that you thought weren't there before.
Also I think I have got stronger as a person and more independant, so I'm questioning my relationships and the way I have been treated. Because I have been a doormat in the past, I have let peple treat me however and I'd still be in doe eyed admiration of them. I see this now and I resent that people have taken advantage of my kind nature. Although my partner has treated me with the most respect out of any of the relationships in the past, my friendships at Uni have been with really strong, emotionally intellogent people who have shown me that perhaps I have been the one doing a lot of the giving in our relationship and thinsg have been one sided. However when I try to raise this, he feels as though I'm attacking him and gets defensive. SO maybe resentment has just built up, mixed with the distance. But the only way things have a chance of being resolved is if we spend time together again. We can't fully address our issues when there are miles between us. And I just can't end it after all this time getting together and separating. I have to know for sure. I guess I will just have to take things as they come and see what happens. It's too late to get on a post grad course now anyway, and I need to be focusing on my dissertation! Aargh what am I doing wasting time worrying over things on here?! Dammit!
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 April 2011):
Surprising question. Of course chemistry can fade, it does all the time. If it weren't so, we'll all still be with the BF we had at 13 or 15. You meet someone -you feel attraction, chemistry ,desire- if you are very lucky it lasts long time, maybe forever. Other times, it dwindles and dies. And you are ready for something new.
And distance HAS a lot to do with it. Why, after a break up, the most common , and sensible , advise, is cutting contacts ? Because you move on much faster if you deprive yourself of sensory stimulations related to the other person. If you have to see his smile, hear his voice, smell his scent all the time, you keep reinforcing the effects these things have on you, while if you don't, after a while the yearning ceases or dies down." Out of sight out of love " seems to find some confirmation in the way the process of producing " feel good" chemicals in our brain works.
With you , though, I feel it's not just the LDR taking its toll. It's like you have suppressed some anger and resentment toward your bf. For having put less effort than you in this relationship, for having sacrified less, for not having desired you as strongly as you wanted. For not being the ideal man that you 'd liked him to be. Part of this is rational , part is not,- you know you can't REALLY be mad at him, - but you are, a bit. Maybe this lack of desire is the way your body expresses your anger.
It happens more often that you'd think . Many of those " not tonight, I have a headache " wives fall into this category.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): "I think long distance makes a relationship stronger and keeps is fresh" That may be your answer then OP. The distance may have been the only thing keeping you together in your situation, now that your finished and there's no prospect of leaving again any time soon then your time together doesn't feel as special anymore. Plus you had an alternate focus in your life that you liked. You had a break from the relationship at uni and now that's gone you're facing the prospect of spending a year or more with him and putting your career at the side for a year and not progressing any further in that.
You've lost the anticipation of not seeing him again and the feeling that you need to make the most out of your time. Basically it sounds like the honeymoon period has ended and now you're in the reality of a long term partnership with someone that you get to spend all your time with but the fact that you have nothing else going on, the fact that you've basically put your life on hold to make this happen has kind of left you with only him.
You see you're used to the pattern of not being near him, building up anticipation until you see him again. That's gone now because you can be with him. That excitement that you felt, the difficulties and all that are now gone, basically you're at the stage in the relationship where things get boring and mundane if you know what I mean. It's kind of hard to explain but when the honeymoon period ends and the excitement of being together goes then that's the real test of a relationship, whether you can still be happy together once the things that kept things exciting and fresh are gone. A lot of people slip up at this stage OP and they stop making the effort but it's at this stage when you should start making more of an effort, especially when it comes to being independent.
I think it's more the prospect of you having nothing else that is giving you this anguish OP. As you said it was probably a bad idea to put college off for a year to be with him because you left yourself with only him. Go out and find work or find something else to do to occupy part of your time. After 3 years of distance and getting together maybe being in each others faces all the time will suffocate you. So just give yourself something to do, something to keep your independence and not solely base your life on him.
As for my girlfriend and my best friend, my girlfriend is very secure. We're together 5 years and she cuddles with my friend more than I do not only that but everything I do and say to my friend is completely open and my girlfriend is a participant in most cases. She talks to my girlfriend about female matters, things to do with boys and stuff that I hate (the annoying cutesy stuff when she starts dating someone new and sex) and I'm then the person she turns to when things get bad in that sense or she's having trouble figuring out what the guy is thinking or wants. Basically OP my friend is like our little sister and there's about sexual tension as you would have with one of your siblings, exactly none.
Why would my girlfriend feel threatened by that when she knows I've never cheated emotionally or physically on anyone in my entire life even when I was a player I never cheated, she knows I'm a one girl guy. We've never had that issue OP because we were friends a long time before we got together and she saw me date a few other girls in that time and have had other girlfriends. She knows how I act when I'm in a relationship, I never cross any boundaries in fact I'm quite strict and respectful that way. I never get into situations where physical intimacy with another girl is possible, if another girl shows interest I cut that down immediately and actually stay away from them, I have never once in the time she's known me crossed any of those boundaries with her or any other girl and in the 8 years we've known each other . I'm not perfect and I have my flaws but cheating emotionally or otherwise or even situations where cheating may occur are things I would never and have never done, even in my most drunk I've never been that stupid nor would I.
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reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (12 April 2011):
 OP, this is the beggining of the end.
I have been there,done that.
Some years ago I would choose romantic love over a good relationship in person. I would choose PASSION over spending time doing fun things with a nice guy.
Now I don't anymore.
I am in a dilemma. There is this guy who lives 10 hours (bus) away from me, and another one who lives in my city and we just started dating.
I can't go through an LDR again. and I've known the Long distance guy more etc.
I guess there comes a time in every persons life that their standards change.Especially when your guy doesnt make enough effort to be with you.
I suggest breaking up. If it's meant to be, you will be together again.
Do not alienate yourself from him any further. You will end up not wanting to be friends even !
You are hurting a lot right now because it was so perfect before but now its not. It has become strange and cold.
Also, you expect A LOT when you are with someone,and its so hard for them to show you they love you,because 1) theyre far from you 2) everyone has different ways of showing it and some people dont function the same when not in person..
I just don't understand where I stand with everything now. I really want things to be the way I hoped. But I just don't feel the same and I can't quite put my finger on it. Myabe the distance has damaged us
You sumed it up here. Thats what happened.
I think long distance makes a relationship stronger and keeps is fresh.
Thats what I used to think too,but now I cant do it anymore.
You spoke about army wives...
well they are MARRIED to their husbands. they might be away from them,but when the guy is finished with his military duties,HE ALWAYS GOES BACK TO HIS WIFE. WHY? BECAUSE SHE'S HIS WIFE. they got a house together. a marriage.
You are not married to this guy. Things are unstable. Things arent certain.
Think about it OP.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYup, I understand all that. But I HAD to go to Uni. There wasn't an option there. We could have split up and he did raise this with me when it was coming to the time for me to leave, but at the time it was 4 months into our relationship and I was head over heels and he said he was also. SO we decided to make a go of it. We were lucky in that I had 6 months of holiday a year so we did see each other for half of the time. I know LDR is hard but some people have no choice. Look at army wives. But if you love someone you make that sacrifice of putting your relationship on hold, to be with them again. That's what we did.
I understood that would mean I couldn't hug him when I was down and we couldn't make each other a cup of tea every morning like we used to. But I knew that I would be able to in the holidays, and at the end of my 3 year course, I would be able to do that again, indefinatly, if we lasted.
And we did last. it has been excruciatingly hard at times. There has been distance. But when we have got back together, our intimacy has returned after a few days and just grows strong again.
What I am talking about now though, is that my whole feeling for him have changed. It's different to other times when I went to be with him. Like the anticipation isn't as strong. Perhaps I have grown too indepandant from him, because I have been focusing on myself, my career dreams and what I want to do with my life. Because he hasn't made the same effort as I feel I have, to keep our relationship going(visiting frequently, sending gifts, initiating intimacy etc) I kind of feel, I don't know, like it's not as amazing as it used to be. I used to be besotted. I was prepaired to go home every holiday to be with him. I truely believed after the 3 years we would be together. I have even postponed my pgce teaching quilaification for a year so that we can be together after these 3 years of uni.
But now I feel like this. I kind of feel like I should have just gone for the pgce, and if I wasn't thinking of him, perhaps I would have. We are more than friends because I have made sacrifices to make it work. If that's not romantic love, then I don't know what is.
I just don't understand where I stand with everything now. I really want things to be the way I hoped. But I just don't feel the same and I can't quite put my finger on it. Myabe the distance has damaged us. But if we were together, maybe it just would have got to this point quicker. I think long distance makes a relationship stronger and keeps is fresh.
I don't want to walk away after all I have done for him and all I have invested. I just don't know how to make it better :(
Personally, if I was your girlfriend, I'd be a little uncomfortable with the closeness you have with another female. You talk about how sexy and beautiful each other is and miss cuddles? I don't do that with any of my male friends, and believe me, I have a lot of guy friends. I get on with guys better. I would not want my boyfriend that close with another girl. I would be pissed!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): OP this is what happens in LDR's they're never a good idea.
The physical distance means that you can't develop this relationship physically or in person. You have a high sex drive OP and the distance between you means you don't get that satisfied, he can't satisfy that being so far away so you're starting to distance yourself emotionally because while there's this distance the relationship is stagnant it's not going anywhere.
OP romantic relationships without the physical intimacy are just friendships, how can you develop or keep chemistry when you can't be held by him when you need to feel close to him? You can't get a hug from him when you're feeling down, you can't get head when you're feeling horny, you never have the option of just laying there in his arms and hanging out.
You share everything and talk every night? I do that with my best friend too, what makes your relationship more romantic than mine to my friend? Nothing. We talk about how sexy each other are, how beautiful the other is, she's in a different country studying now and we talk about how much we miss each other, how we miss having cuddles etc. But I have a girlfriend too who I live with. The difference is OP I share my real life with my girlfriend we get to do things together, we get to spend time together. What have you got? A guy who you talk to online and on the phone, where's the closeness, where's the physical bond? How is that supposed to grow when you barely ever touch him? It can't.
You wanna know what I did this morning? I made my girl tea and toast and we talked about our plans for the day. I gave her a kiss before she left for work and we made plans to meet this afternoon for coffee before we go shopping. It's my turn to cook dinner for her tonight and it's her friends birthday soon so we're going to get her a present. The plan for the evening then is to watch a movie and we get to relax together and hang out. You don't have any of that at all. The simple little things are missing from your relationship. I get to see my girl in person any time I want. If she's in trouble I get to go and help her, if she's feeling down I can hold her. I get to smell her, hear heart beat, hear her breathe, feel her warmth and of course we get to make out and have sex any time we want. You have none of this and without ay of that how do you expect the relationship to grow? How do you expect your feelings to grow when you get to see him once in a while then put everything on hold again until next time you see him. The simple answer is you can't. You're not getting what you need our of this relationship at all and it's not going to go anywhere while you're so far away.
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